Describe the worst lap dance you've ever received?
PaulDrake
Off again on again PL
So I tried nightshift out tonight and got a dance with a new baby stripper. She literally just violently jackhammered her pussy into me for 4 minutes. The pounding was so extreme that my lower abdomen is all red and I am still in pain an hour later. Luckily she was grinding a few inches high and completely missed my dick. As it was happening all I could think was worry that she might move down and hit my dick and I would need medical attention.
Honorable mentions:
1. Had a nearly blackout drunk dancer try to use her hand to move my dick from tucked down to tucked up. She stopped halfway and then started grinding. On that one I cried out in pain and stopped it immediately.
2. My first dance with what surprisingly became my current ATF was what I can only describe as the "worlds angriest" lap dance after I pissed her off.
Honorable mentions:
1. Had a nearly blackout drunk dancer try to use her hand to move my dick from tucked down to tucked up. She stopped halfway and then started grinding. On that one I cried out in pain and stopped it immediately.
2. My first dance with what surprisingly became my current ATF was what I can only describe as the "worlds angriest" lap dance after I pissed her off.
Got something to say?
Start your own discussion
47 comments
Worst dance I ever got was nothing but air. The fact that she thanked me halfway through for understanding and told me that only a handful of customers had ever complained about her dance was icing on the cake. I didn't tip. And I laughed when she asked if I wanted another.
100% air dance
Another bad dance was a dancer that kept giving me elbow drops like it was WWF
My worst, though, was the time at one of my old favorite clubs where I paid for my ticket to have a dance and right at stairs that lead to the lapdance room, she said she had to go to the rest room. 15 minutes later, she comes back, obviously high on something, she finally does the dance and basically just sits in my lap doing nothing the whole time. Then she asks if I want another. I just paid her and ran off. Before I get to the door, though, I hear her whining about how I didn't give a tip.
Dishonorable mention goes to Leticia at Playhouse Lounge: we went to the room and she started out with all these rules. I thought she was using reverse psychology and her body is amazing, so I stuck it out. One song went by, the LD version of crickets. The reviews couldn't have been off, and she can't be this lame. Shame on me. I got up like the seat was burning when I heard "Leticia, 2". It took everything in me to give PH another chance, but I did last weekend. Twas much better.
As gentleman said, I'd take the OP's dance any day of the week. That's right up my alley.
Tough competition would be getting cut during a lap dance. She had something sharp on her and cut my leg by accident. I didn't realize I was cut until I saw the blood running down my leg.
In third place, a girl who sat on my lap and refused to take off her top. She actually seemed confused why I never would ever buy another dance from her even after asking probably a dozen times in the months to follow.
Second worst: I was at McDoogal's in Baltimore, a nude BYOB club. The girl was easily a 9.5 (including a 0.5 point deduction for having enhanced boobs). She was seductive on stage, and often strolled naked through the club. A sure thing, right? Wrong! She had a terminal case of GPS. She basically sat on my lap and shook her boobs at me until the song was over (not that there was anything wrong with that, lol). I mean, how can you be getting a lap dance in a nude club and never see her pussy? We we're one and done, when I was fully prepared to do four.
I found out later that this was pretty typical, and that she loosened up a lot after you had purchased about $1000 worth of qualifying lap dances. OK, but I wasn't going to be the chump paying for that many air dances.
Have never had an air dance thank goodness.
Less than a minute into the dance she stopped, took my dick out and gave me a BJ. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but the dance was very short and not very good.
This is where the girl gets in cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, except there's an inch of air between you and her. She then grinds the air.
Worst dance was a 100% air dance. Those are absolutely, totally worthless IMO. One of those I received in a high two way contact club. I got up wondering, did I forget to put on deodorant or something. Check myself out and I was fine. Thankfully the next dancer took much better care of me. I watched that first chick give 4 more air dances after mine. Those were also one and dones. I wonder how she made any money from that.
Still, nothing like getting cut during the dance, or contacting poison ivy. Jesus!
Imagine losing complete control over your senses and reason, and the dancer morphs into a being of composed entirely of light and unhealthy thoughts, babbling nonsense at you while you hold back your vomit ...
all the while you are hemorrhaging cash.
One would be surprised - just like you and 4 others felt for it, probably others do to - some good looking girls can get by making pretty-good $$$ w/ mostly one-and-dones if the club has enough custies - and she may club-hop once she's duped enough custies for a while.
Some Miami clubs have a tip-parade on steroids - these clubs are fairly good-sized and lots of custies many of whom are amateurs - there are dancers that don't have much interest in giving dances and just circle the club all night-long asking for tips - many of the custies just pay up b/c "they don't wanna look cheap" and don't like saying no - in the course of an hour the same girl may approach you like 5 or 6 times for a tip.
One painful episode was w/ a meaty ebony that seemed inexperienced - this was probably 12 years ago and I was sitting on a sofa kinda slouched down and this meaty hard-bodied young-ebony managed to sit on my balls w/ her big very firm butt - that one really hurt.
Another one was another ebony that sucked my balls thru my commando shorts but did it really hard to where it was painful.
I ain't looking for a third baby momma goddamn.
Several months later I saw her again and she came over and used every bit of her charm so I gave her another try. She had learned to give a sensual dance in the meantime, and smiled at me and said she had gotten a lot better at it.
I had one ask a month or two ago how I like it, so I asked what the options were. She said fast or slow, and that she had been doing slow. I asked her to demonstrate the other way, and it felt like a washing machine out of balance on spin. She said she thought that she remembered that I had liked slow, but she wanted to make sure.
The worst, worst, though was one who looked like an attractive-ish spinner on stage, but a bit rough around the edges once she was on my lap in the LD room. Her 'secret weapon' was kissing on the customer, apparently, and it was wet and sloppy like a dog who had just been drinking from the toilet. I think she might have been offended when I held my hands up to block her forehead and told her "none of that", but what else can you do when one has taken SJG a bit too literally?
Bitch, if you're reading this, I never asked you for a fucking dance, so take your attitude and shove it up your ass.
#2 was Surprisingly lame air dance in an allegedly nude club in Madison, WI. The club itself was a disappointment because in the hour-plus I was there only ONE girl went nude on stage. Of course I chose her for private dances. For those dances she sits ON MY KNEES and never moves any closer for contact of any type. If I’m ever in that area again, I’ll be researching other club options.
It was from a bartender turned stripper. Beautiful, Hispanic young lady. She went back to bartending after a couple of weeks.
But the thing is, the money is high, and what is done amounts to very little. And it is also just a rotten choreography to be using.
So the entire concept of buying dances is really stupid.
Want a free form interaction with the girl you like. She will be expecting money and this is fine.
Strip clubs are hang out places, so you should be able to fraternize in an unstructured way, and the front room makeout session is the pinnacle of this.
Afterwards the back room, or just take her home with you.
Strip clubs are fine tuned well oiled machines for separating marks from their money. So you can't really take the ways they do things at face value.
As to the young women who work in these clubs, they are exactly what they appear to be. There is zero deception being employed. So select the one you want to be waking up in the mornings with and proceed.
Buying Dances Is A Chump's Game.
SJG
Coltrane
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ll3CMgiU…