Describe the worst lap dance you've ever received?

Guys, I feel like someone punched me in the pelvic bone 50 times....

You should have tipped her, she probably wanted FS, but you were too sheepish to whip it out

I'll take what pauldrake describes over an air dance any day.

Worst dance I ever got was nothing but air. The fact that she thanked me halfway through for understanding and told me that only a handful of customers had ever complained about her dance was icing on the cake. I didn't tip. And I laughed when she asked if I wanted another.

I really do feel sorry for you, but holy cow nice prose there! Have you considered writing erotica?

A dancer in TN stood on a box and I sat on the couch and watched her dance for $25 LMFAO

100% air dance

Another bad dance was a dancer that kept giving me elbow drops like it was WWF

When I felt her dick on me...those Asians are sneaky!!

I have had several like PaulDrake's dancer, where they just jackhammer your cock into submission. All of them were girls on the skinny side. I suspect many of them were newbies.

My worst, though, was the time at one of my old favorite clubs where I paid for my ticket to have a dance and right at stairs that lead to the lapdance room, she said she had to go to the rest room. 15 minutes later, she comes back, obviously high on something, she finally does the dance and basically just sits in my lap doing nothing the whole time. Then she asks if I want another. I just paid her and ran off. Before I get to the door, though, I hear her whining about how I didn't give a tip.

Mine is similar to Juice's. Years ago, went to a club that had "table dances". I paid her $20, she got on top of the table, took her top off and dances around. Needless to say, I stopped at one.

After about 20 secs, the dancer backs her ass on to me, not so bad, but then just stays that way the whole rest of the time with a mild grind while she's reading texts on her phone.

Table dance LMFAO

i had two vip air dances. in both cases I walked out.

Two come to mind: one at Vegas Cabaret (Lauderhill), the other at Savannah's (Harrisburg). The VC dance was with this girl Paradise. She sat on my lap RCG and was on her phone the whole song. The Savannah's dance was with Gia, who's actually pretty popular for whatever reason. She said to sit down, put my arms on the armrests, and not to move. Savannah's is no-touch anyway, so I didn't get it...but I figured it was going to be one of those "she grinds all over me" dances. Not even close. I like moving along with the girls - basically dancing like at a regular club. Started doing that with her, got air for the rest of the song. Whenever she approaches me now, I look at her like she stole something...because she pretty much did.

Dishonorable mention goes to Leticia at Playhouse Lounge: we went to the room and she started out with all these rules. I thought she was using reverse psychology and her body is amazing, so I stuck it out. One song went by, the LD version of crickets. The reviews couldn't have been off, and she can't be this lame. Shame on me. I got up like the seat was burning when I heard "Leticia, 2". It took everything in me to give PH another chance, but I did last weekend. Twas much better.

As gentleman said, I'd take the OP's dance any day of the week. That's right up my alley.

Ive had complete air lap dances years ago. Tough competition would be getting cut during a lap dance. She had something sharp on her and cut my leg by accident. I didn't realize I was cut until I saw the blood running down my leg. In third place, a girl who sat on my lap and refused to take off her top. She actually seemed confused why I never would ever buy another dance from her even after asking probably a dozen times in the months to follow.

I’ve had my fair share of bad lapdances over the years. One that stands out was this girl who lifted up her top to reveal that she was wearing pasties. The contact level during the dance was also really lame. I stopped after one song, paid her for the dance and went back to my table.

My worst dance was an expensive air dance at Admiral theater in Chicago. My worst dance experience was a drunk dancer with a strong gag reflex in Washington Park about 8 years ago. Soaked my pants. I couldn't clean it very well in the bathroom and had to smell it the whole drive back to the hotel in St Louis. Felt like I had a biohazard in my lap. That put me off going back to clubs for the better part of that year.

Justin, you may have "won" this one. Gross !

I got a dance once where her pussy stank so bad I almost threw up. She was really sweet and wondered why I never got any more dances from her.

At Mons Venus I had one similar to the OP. She wouldn't take direction so I stopped the dance midway through. This was before my TUSCL learnings and I paid the full $20. Now I would probably just have given her $10.

My worst: An extremely cute VCU coed (easy 9) who started the dance by saying she was absolutely no touching, and proceeded downhill from there. And, of course, it was a Virginia pasties club, so I couldn't even see her nipples. JS would have loved this girl, a really cute redhead.

Second worst: I was at McDoogal's in Baltimore, a nude BYOB club. The girl was easily a 9.5 (including a 0.5 point deduction for having enhanced boobs). She was seductive on stage, and often strolled naked through the club. A sure thing, right? Wrong! She had a terminal case of GPS. She basically sat on my lap and shook her boobs at me until the song was over (not that there was anything wrong with that, lol). I mean, how can you be getting a lap dance in a nude club and never see her pussy? We we're one and done, when I was fully prepared to do four.

I found out later that this was pretty typical, and that she loosened up a lot after you had purchased about $1000 worth of qualifying lap dances. OK, but I wasn't going to be the chump paying for that many air dances.

Worst is anytime dancer stops mid dance and sits in my lap cowgirl and commences extended conversation. I don’t mind some chitchat, but I’ve got no interest in paying lap dance price for lap sitting/talking. Hate that. Has happened 3-4 times. Have never had an air dance thank goodness.

I almost forgot about this one.

Less than a minute into the dance she stopped, took my dick out and gave me a BJ. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but the dance was very short and not very good.

^ yes I "hate" it when they don't dance at all in VIP.

Guys, I am still a little sore this morning...

In a rural club many years ago I saw a dancers cutting through a field on the way to the club wearing tiny jean shorts. She was hot so after a drink with her rubbing those shorts up against me we went for dances While they came off during the lap dance it wasn't before long I actually began to feel itchy. She had been grinding all over me and touching my legs with those hot little shorts and covering me with .................................................poison ivy

My worst in recent memory was with a brand new stripper. She's not very good at lap dancing, and has a lot of limits even for this club. All of which is a known risk with baby strippers, but it's a risk I'm always fine taking, because I like baby strippers, and often there can be significant rewards... just not this time. She also started off slightly into the first song, and didn't provide any extra time at the end to make it a full 3 songs. At the end of the dance, she asks for a tip -- this is at a dead dead dead dayshift, where the girls pretty much rarely if ever ask for tips, for all the obvious reasons. I say no, she asks why, I tell her (very low contact even for here, you cut off part of my time). I actually said it with a gentle but confident voice, since she's a baby stripper and the goal wasn't to upset her (I know baby strippers can be delicate), just to let her know why I didn't tip her ... she did get a little upset "I'm just really new"

Obviously air/table suck, but the most frustrating for me are the simulation dances.

This is where the girl gets in cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, except there's an inch of air between you and her. She then grinds the air.

Wow, some of the responses on here make my worst dance seem like nothing.

Worst dance was a 100% air dance. Those are absolutely, totally worthless IMO. One of those I received in a high two way contact club. I got up wondering, did I forget to put on deodorant or something. Check myself out and I was fine. Thankfully the next dancer took much better care of me. I watched that first chick give 4 more air dances after mine. Those were also one and dones. I wonder how she made any money from that.

Still, nothing like getting cut during the dance, or contacting poison ivy. Jesus!

Oh man ... I just wrote about it. I'll try to relive it here.

Imagine losing complete control over your senses and reason, and the dancer morphs into a being of composed entirely of light and unhealthy thoughts, babbling nonsense at you while you hold back your vomit ...

all the while you are hemorrhaging cash.

My worst dance was a new girl who gave me an air dance, actually just standing in front of me three or four feet away and dancing around. In the middle of the dance she lighted up a cigarette and started blowing smoke in my face.

skibum for the win - that was horrible

"... I watched that first chick give 4 more air dances after mine. Those were also one and dones. I wonder how she made any money from that ..."

One would be surprised - just like you and 4 others felt for it, probably others do to - some good looking girls can get by making pretty-good $$$ w/ mostly one-and-dones if the club has enough custies - and she may club-hop once she's duped enough custies for a while.

Some Miami clubs have a tip-parade on steroids - these clubs are fairly good-sized and lots of custies many of whom are amateurs - there are dancers that don't have much interest in giving dances and just circle the club all night-long asking for tips - many of the custies just pay up b/c "they don't wanna look cheap" and don't like saying no - in the course of an hour the same girl may approach you like 5 or 6 times for a tip.

It's been a while since I've had a physically-painful dance - I enjoy a good grind and the small-black clubs I hit that is the norm - but these are usually floor-dances where I am sitting on a barstool and she is standing in front of me grinding her butt/cooch on my junk, so her body-weight is mostly off me.

One painful episode was w/ a meaty ebony that seemed inexperienced - this was probably 12 years ago and I was sitting on a sofa kinda slouched down and this meaty hard-bodied young-ebony managed to sit on my balls w/ her big very firm butt - that one really hurt.

Another one was another ebony that sucked my balls thru my commando shorts but did it really hard to where it was painful.

The worst dance I've had in recent memory was an air-dance about 2-years-ago @ Playmates in Coral Gables (suburb of Miami) - this club is 2-way-contact and extras are common, as pretty-much all clubs in Miami are - I go for a dance w/ a curvy Cuban - we go to the dance-area which is out-of-view of the main-room and consists of individual cubicles open in the front and walls on 3-sides about 4 ft high - we get to the LD area as a song was starting - I sit on the bench and she stands about 3 ft in front of me at the entrance of the cublcle resting each arm on the 4-ft cubicle-walls - I figure since we got there as a song was starting that she was waiting for a new song to start and why she was just standing there barely swaying her ass - I figure I'd feel her up some while "I was waiting for my song to start" - I only felt her up a bit b/c I didn't wanna take advantage since we were waiting for the next-song to start - the new song starts and I verify w/ her that this is my-song/the-first-song to which replies "no we already did one" - I told her "you just stood there" - to which replies "well at least you touched some" - well I did so paid up for the lame-ass song in a high-mileage place - what a bitch/ROB.

Obviously, air dances are bad, but some vlubs have rules. The worst air dances are when the dancer is allowed to make contact and she still opts to air it out. A pet peeve of mine during a contact dance is when a female moves around too much, which tells me she’s trying to avoid getting too intimate. When she stays in one position a while, that’s better for me.

Obviously, air dances are bad, but some clubs have rules. The worst air dances are when the dancer is allowed to make contact and she still opts to air it out. A pet peeve of mine during a contact dance is when a female moves around too much, which tells me she’s trying to avoid getting too intimate. When she stays in one position a while, that’s better for me.

One time I was getting head in the backroom and she said she wanted me to put a baby inside her.

I ain't looking for a third baby momma goddamn.

The worst I can remember for technique, which was frustrating because I otherwise liked her, was a newbie who would bounce up and down fast during her dance. I tried to slow her down a bit, but figured she was doing it how she did for reasons along the lines of LDK82's "she keeps getting up" peasants.

Several months later I saw her again and she came over and used every bit of her charm so I gave her another try. She had learned to give a sensual dance in the meantime, and smiled at me and said she had gotten a lot better at it.

I had one ask a month or two ago how I like it, so I asked what the options were. She said fast or slow, and that she had been doing slow. I asked her to demonstrate the other way, and it felt like a washing machine out of balance on spin. She said she thought that she remembered that I had liked slow, but she wanted to make sure.

The worst, worst, though was one who looked like an attractive-ish spinner on stage, but a bit rough around the edges once she was on my lap in the LD room. Her 'secret weapon' was kissing on the customer, apparently, and it was wet and sloppy like a dog who had just been drinking from the toilet. I think she might have been offended when I held my hands up to block her forehead and told her "none of that", but what else can you do when one has taken SJG a bit too literally?

About 30 years ago at the now-defunct Gold Door on 8 Mile in Detroit. I used to be a Sunday night regular, going by myself. Still remember. Some plump fairly unattractive dark-haired bitch in black leather pants comes up to me while I'm sitting at a table drinking a can of Miller Lite and starts grinding on my leg. I'm like WTF? I tipped her $1 when it mercifully ended and she says "Thanks for the dollar" and leaves in a huff. Bitch, if you're reading this, I never asked you for a fucking dance, so take your attitude and shove it up your ass.

^ been there - that's why when a girl I'm not interested in tries to dance on me I don't let it go long at all and just tell her I'm good (as in I don't want dances from you)

been there too.

Almost forgot. Most memorable worst dance was when a buddy of mine treated me to VIP. He picked the girl and we went together. This gal started biting me, not nibbling. Marks were imminent and that shit hurt, we are talking like a flesh eating zombie. I told her to stop, she started again, I told her to PLEASE stop once more. She bit me really hard. I pushed that bitch off me hard where she fell on the floor and she goes 'What the fuck? What's wrong with you.' I loudly said 'I asked you 3 fucking times to stop biting me. I wasn't fucking around. Not cool.' Friend hears this and he and his chick come out of the booth next to us to see what's happening. The funny thing is he looked like he was having a good time as his pants were halfway around his knees and he is in his white boxers. I told him what was up. As he is pulling up his slacks he gets the money and goes 'you dumb bitches. Let me give you your money.' He throws the money for both of them on the floor 20 dollar bill by 20 dollar bill and goes 'Im not handing it to you for treating my friend that way, you can get pick your shit off the floor like the dirty bitches you are. We out.' Worst dance I ever got but funny ending. I also never let anyone ever pick a gal for me after that.

Heinous. This is why SJG says you should choose the girl and approach her yourself. I'm not sure why he says all that other stuff, though.

So it's now 24 hours later and I can still feel some soreness when I lie down.

Several years back, when the dancer took off her panties, there was a fishy smell. I was ready to barf after about one minute. I think she had just done a dance with minnow which is probably how he got his name. Same club and another dancer, it smelled like fresh ass when she took off her panties. It took me a day to get that shit off my pants.

I have 2 entries in the Worst Lapdance Ever competition. #1 was a similar misadventure to the OP, a pretty girl bouncing on my boner from 8-10 inches above with violent intent. I had blood in my urine 12 hours after that “dance”.
#2 was Surprisingly lame air dance in an allegedly nude club in Madison, WI. The club itself was a disappointment because in the hour-plus I was there only ONE girl went nude on stage. Of course I chose her for private dances. For those dances she sits ON MY KNEES and never moves any closer for contact of any type. If I’m ever in that area again, I’ll be researching other club options.

Never been injured or hurt from a lap dance so my worst was a simulated lap dance like houjack described.

It was from a bartender turned stripper. Beautiful, Hispanic young lady. She went back to bartending after a couple of weeks.

Girl has never done anything distasteful or unpleasant. So there has never been a 'bad dance'.

But the thing is, the money is high, and what is done amounts to very little. And it is also just a rotten choreography to be using.

So the entire concept of buying dances is really stupid.

Want a free form interaction with the girl you like. She will be expecting money and this is fine.

Strip clubs are hang out places, so you should be able to fraternize in an unstructured way, and the front room makeout session is the pinnacle of this.

Afterwards the back room, or just take her home with you.

Strip clubs are fine tuned well oiled machines for separating marks from their money. So you can't really take the ways they do things at face value.

As to the young women who work in these clubs, they are exactly what they appear to be. There is zero deception being employed. So select the one you want to be waking up in the mornings with and proceed.

Buying Dances Is A Chump's Game.

SJG

Coltrane youtube.com