• discussions >
• Front Room

What I’m Most Thankful For

reverendhornibastard

Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy

I probably won’t mention most of these at the dinner table later today, but the things I am most thankful for include the following:

1. My surname isn’t “Schitter,” “Fokkwad” or “Aszwype.”

2. I have a boxcar load of money.

3. None of the desploogination service professionals with whom I’ve ever gotten sticky know what neighborhood I live in, much less my address.

4. John Denver is dead and buried.

5. I am again living in a country where I can open my mouth in the shower without risking cholera.

6. Despite my advanced age, I still have a lot of hair, it’s mostly black and, most importantly, my hydraulics still work!

7. My little girl is growing up which means I should never have to sit through “Beauty and the Beast” again trying to pretend I like it.

8. There is no heaven, no hell, no afterlife, and there certainly isn’t a god or gods.

9. While I readily admit that I may not be perfect, at least I can honestly say that parts of me are excellent!

10. I’m thankful that life is so unfair. It it were fair, after being such a shit-head all my life, I certainly wouldn’t have the wonderful family I have now or the boxcar full of money.

On the negative side, I am truly sorry the pilgrims ate turkey on the first Thanksgiving instead of a stray cat. If they’d eaten a stray cat we could all be eating pussy today!