Going Under the Knife
reverendhornibastard
Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy
n a few days I will go under the knife for what is referred to as a “minor medical procedure.” Some comedian, I can’t remember who, said a medical procedure is only minor when it is performed on somebody else.
I’m slowly coming around to that view.
I already went to the hospital for my pre-surgery medical evaluation and to fill out an ungodly number of largely repetitive forms about half of which seemed to have been prepared by health care professionals and the other half of which seemed to have been prepared by lawyers (some really crappy ones).
All this rigmarole seemed absurd especially given the de minimis nature of my medical problem. No one ever died from the medical problem that is currently making me so uncomfortable.
The very last form they gave me to fill out required me to indicate which service was most important to me. I could pick only one from a short list of services that included pain management, keeping me warm, keeping me informed and maintaining my privacy.
One important service was noticeably absent from the list. I asked why “keeping me alive” was not included among the available choices.
I received no cogent answer.
I offered to pay a little extra for the service of keeping me alive but it seemed that service was unavailable.
I told them that I certainly hoped their doctors are more competent than their lawyers who prepared those ridiculous forms.
They laughed (nervously).
I’m slowly coming around to that view.
I already went to the hospital for my pre-surgery medical evaluation and to fill out an ungodly number of largely repetitive forms about half of which seemed to have been prepared by health care professionals and the other half of which seemed to have been prepared by lawyers (some really crappy ones).
All this rigmarole seemed absurd especially given the de minimis nature of my medical problem. No one ever died from the medical problem that is currently making me so uncomfortable.
The very last form they gave me to fill out required me to indicate which service was most important to me. I could pick only one from a short list of services that included pain management, keeping me warm, keeping me informed and maintaining my privacy.
One important service was noticeably absent from the list. I asked why “keeping me alive” was not included among the available choices.
I received no cogent answer.
I offered to pay a little extra for the service of keeping me alive but it seemed that service was unavailable.
I told them that I certainly hoped their doctors are more competent than their lawyers who prepared those ridiculous forms.
They laughed (nervously).
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12 comments
SJG
It's like getting on a plane, kiss the wife, hope the pilot and crew have a good, no-stress shift.
I’m afraid of a lot of things but death is not one of them.
As I see it, I was not alive for billions of years before I was born ...
... and I survived THAT!
Hmmm. I sense that hemorrhoids my be at the root of this problem.....
Serious, rev, good luck with your surgery.
But what ever it is good luck Rev.
It’s not a hemorrhoid. That’s what I thought it was at first. I had a hemorrhoid once about 12 years ago but it disappeared without treatment.
I went to a specialist about this pain in my ass. I don’t know what you call this medical specialty so I just call her my butt doctor.
She’s a funny lady. She knows what I do for a living and so she also wisecracked that it is very rare for lawyers to be afflicted with this since most lawyers are perfect assholes.
Bottom line (get it?), she said my problem is common and, although my particular situation is very superficial and easily fixed, it usually causes pain that is all out of proportion to the very minor medical risk.
For the first time in my life I can hardly wait for this surgery!