Self destructive behavior
gawker
Older than dirt
I've written many discussion topics and one lengthy article regarding my ATF. Most recently I received a great deal of derision due to my decision to allow her to move into my condo with me. I replied to another post when I was angry and frustrated regarding the shit I went through due to her drug dependency.
I'd like to share a little bit more:
1. I am seeing a therapist ( saw him today) and he is in full agreement that it's a bad move. He said he's concerned that I don't feel as if I deserve better. Yet I'm a retired professional who has held leadership positions all my life, have received national recognition in my line of work and have never had trouble dating civvies when young and even when married have had women hit on me.
2. I accept that I'm Sir Save-a-Ho personified. My ATF is viewed as a challenge and I feel that she is worth "saving". I'm very aware that I can't do anything to make her stop using drugs. Only she can do that. I do feel that I can assist by putting her in the best position to do so. Her brother & her father are heroin addicts in recovery.
3. I've never met another member who posts on TUSCL that I know of. There's another occasional poster here who knows who I am from my favorite club and he knows my ATF and we frequently pm each other, but he prefers to remain anonymous.
4. In the past 15 years I've had sex with about 30 escorts and a dozen strippers. My wife has early onset Alzheimer's and has had and continues to have the best care available. She's currently in a nursing home, has severe dementia, and has OT, PT, & Speech Therapy 5 times each per week. To this day she comes first.
5. If you recognize that we all have different tastes, then I'd hope that you'd respect another monger' choices. I was with a couple yesterday who are in their early 30's and they were planning on hiring an escort to join them for a 3 way last night. They were looking for a thick dark skinned woman with big to huge tits and a fat ass. Just the opposite of my taste but to each their own.
6. Despite being an active heroin addict and frequent crack smoker for 16 years, my ATF still is a 9 in my book. I met her when she was 22 or 23 and she's 32 now. She's not as "cute" as she was then, but her body is still a spinner (106 lbs. last week), she's got great muscle tone and looks like a million $ when dressed up. One night last week she wore her LBD (little black dress) and I loaned her a piece of my wife's jewelry - a 38 carat amythyst in a platinum necklace setting with matching earrings. Wow!
7. Sex. I'm on so many heart & diabetes & anti-depressant drugs as well as being in my 70's, that it's not unusual that I have difficulty maintaining an erection from time to time. Recently, I thought it was a lost cause. She blew me; I ate her pussy, we 69'ed and it was like trying to put a clam in a slot machine.
She rolled me onto my stomach, took some massage oil and massaged me from my neck to my toes. When massaging my ass she leaned down and licked my scrotum and kissed the underside of my dick. She sucked on my balls and rolled me over and started blowing me again. She used the softest kisses up & down my penis and it started growing again. All the time she was doing this she was softly dragging her nipples up and down my legs, then swinging around so I could finger her pussy and suck on her clit.
She then laid back and I knelt between her legs and she lifted her right leg straight up in the air while I fucked her as deeply as I could. As I moved in and out I used my thumb to massage her clit and she came with a deep throaty moan. I then got on my back and she rode me cowgirl style then reversed with her perfect pink asshole spread. I then got off the bed and took her doggie style and spilled (dribbled?) my spunk on her ass. Not bad for what I thought was a lost cause an hour or so earlier. That was on the house for letting her stay at my house.
So if you're going to be critical, feel free. But I'll tell you, it sure beats master bating to porn.
I'd like to share a little bit more:
1. I am seeing a therapist ( saw him today) and he is in full agreement that it's a bad move. He said he's concerned that I don't feel as if I deserve better. Yet I'm a retired professional who has held leadership positions all my life, have received national recognition in my line of work and have never had trouble dating civvies when young and even when married have had women hit on me.
2. I accept that I'm Sir Save-a-Ho personified. My ATF is viewed as a challenge and I feel that she is worth "saving". I'm very aware that I can't do anything to make her stop using drugs. Only she can do that. I do feel that I can assist by putting her in the best position to do so. Her brother & her father are heroin addicts in recovery.
3. I've never met another member who posts on TUSCL that I know of. There's another occasional poster here who knows who I am from my favorite club and he knows my ATF and we frequently pm each other, but he prefers to remain anonymous.
4. In the past 15 years I've had sex with about 30 escorts and a dozen strippers. My wife has early onset Alzheimer's and has had and continues to have the best care available. She's currently in a nursing home, has severe dementia, and has OT, PT, & Speech Therapy 5 times each per week. To this day she comes first.
5. If you recognize that we all have different tastes, then I'd hope that you'd respect another monger' choices. I was with a couple yesterday who are in their early 30's and they were planning on hiring an escort to join them for a 3 way last night. They were looking for a thick dark skinned woman with big to huge tits and a fat ass. Just the opposite of my taste but to each their own.
6. Despite being an active heroin addict and frequent crack smoker for 16 years, my ATF still is a 9 in my book. I met her when she was 22 or 23 and she's 32 now. She's not as "cute" as she was then, but her body is still a spinner (106 lbs. last week), she's got great muscle tone and looks like a million $ when dressed up. One night last week she wore her LBD (little black dress) and I loaned her a piece of my wife's jewelry - a 38 carat amythyst in a platinum necklace setting with matching earrings. Wow!
7. Sex. I'm on so many heart & diabetes & anti-depressant drugs as well as being in my 70's, that it's not unusual that I have difficulty maintaining an erection from time to time. Recently, I thought it was a lost cause. She blew me; I ate her pussy, we 69'ed and it was like trying to put a clam in a slot machine.
She rolled me onto my stomach, took some massage oil and massaged me from my neck to my toes. When massaging my ass she leaned down and licked my scrotum and kissed the underside of my dick. She sucked on my balls and rolled me over and started blowing me again. She used the softest kisses up & down my penis and it started growing again. All the time she was doing this she was softly dragging her nipples up and down my legs, then swinging around so I could finger her pussy and suck on her clit.
She then laid back and I knelt between her legs and she lifted her right leg straight up in the air while I fucked her as deeply as I could. As I moved in and out I used my thumb to massage her clit and she came with a deep throaty moan. I then got on my back and she rode me cowgirl style then reversed with her perfect pink asshole spread. I then got off the bed and took her doggie style and spilled (dribbled?) my spunk on her ass. Not bad for what I thought was a lost cause an hour or so earlier. That was on the house for letting her stay at my house.
So if you're going to be critical, feel free. But I'll tell you, it sure beats master bating to porn.
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41 comments
Best wishes ,,, a fellow journal writer and long-post self-scrutiny navel-gazer ,,, BG ,,, :)
Well, and the part where she fucked up his granite countertop by slamming a glass down. And where she had another old guy over paying to fuck in her his bed while he was out.
The guys I hang out with have a rule: countertops before hoes.
OR...
You could just get a prescription for Viagra so that you don't have to give a girl your life savings and then let her trash your place just so you can get a hard on.
But -'m not buying your weak explanation anyway. I think that her drama fills some void in your life. Hey, I"m not criticizing per se, but just be honest with us and yourself about it.
I respect a mans determination, especially one who is older, and has been through some shit. BUT, have you ever thought of what you're going to do if you come home to your condo one day and she has OD'd?
Please keep telling us how she is. I know, like you do, that she might OD some day and be dead. Or she might turn her life around. Nobody knows which way she will choose but because of you it's at least a little bit more likely that she might turn things around for good.
I had an older, wealthy friend take up with his nurse while his wife suffered Alzheimer’s. He got a companion and she got a nice inheritance a few years later when he passed. It worked for both of them. The calculus is different when heroin is in the picture.
You posted in a discussion previously about her having an overdose and dieing in your place. That possibility remains. I’m not sure how that would effect you, but it’s something you might need to mentally prepare for.
You are an intelligent man, and I hope your situation doesn’t become worse. You care for your wife - and now you also care for this girl. I understand the intense pleasure derived from the sex. It can be very addictive. I’m glad she makes the sex feel great. My hope is that you don’t find yourself in a desperate situation due to your caring for a girl who is in a committed relationship with heroin.
2. You don't want to save her, you want her in a position where you can fuck her for money.
4. You previously posted that you had brought her into your home while your wife was there. Lied to your wife about who she was and said she treated your wife poorly while there.
5. I think we all know this isn't about "taste".
6. Hardcore drug addicts don't stay 9's after a decade and a half of using.
7. So she's a good fuck? That doesn't make up for the rest of the fucked up shit.
From your post in this new thread, it seems that the sex and companionship is worth going through all that. I was thinking that for the time and money you spend on your current ATF you'd be able to find another with much less drama that can give you the same companionship and sex. But like you said, it's your choice and you choose to stay with your ATF. So I have no choice to respect that.
Justme62 no doubt gawker sounds like a good guy. But bad things can happen to good people. It's unfortunate, but it's life. This relationship sounds like he's putting himself in danger of bad things happening a lot.
Perhaps you two just have this unconventional, outside the box, relationship that works for both of you. She likes being a junkie. You like being an enabler and having a junkie taking advantage of you. Instead of trying to change, or even understand it, just own it and roll with it.
It will be interesting to see how this plays out though. In the SC, I've seen 8's go to 5's in just a few months when age and the lifestyle catches up them them. Your junkie honey may struggle when her pussy is no longer desirable. When her looks fade will you still be there for her? Of course you will honestly say "yes" but the truth may be something else.
Being young and sexy enables these honeys travel far off the rails before the suffer the consequences making it even harder for them to get back on track.
Best of luck to you and your honey.
Many have said there's plenty where she came from. True, but with my ATF, there's rapport. There are two other strippers I've invested heavily in ( both time & money) and one has deteriorated terribly. She's currently incarcerated and her teeth have rotted, she's not looking too good, has developed a skin condition and a ton of other medical issues. She & her mother are both crack addicts and I want nothing to do with her. I've blocked her phone and cut ties.
The other has never used hard drugs, occasionally smokes weed and is a gorgeous young woman. She had a child about 6 months ago and her stomach is as flat as can be, her tits are larger than when I met her and yet she has serious anger issues. She's never unleashed her rage on me, but I've heard her share her plans to destroy her former BF which range from cutting the brake lines on his Mustang to killing his dog. When angry she's a true psycho bitch. She is the only dancer or escort I've been with whose blow jobs compare with my ATF's. She now lives 2 hours away from me but I've seen her twice since the baby was born and if she wasn't so far away it'd be a tough choice between them. This little honey is mixed race with the best qualities of both. Once we were at her apartment watching a movie with me sitting on her couch and her sitting on the floor between my legs. She turned, looked up at me and said, "May I suck your dick?" Such a well mannered woman!
My ATF must have good genes because other than a little trouble with her complexion she is still a damned good looking piece. Her mother is alcoholic, in her mid 50's and yet is still attractive. The ATF has horrible eating habits and yet she continues to look fine.
That's all I need to hear, and pretty much all that needs to be said. You're not self-destructive, you're suicidal. I have no clue why you hate yourself so much, but have fun pursuing your self-homicide.
So what? Let him have his fun. Are we any better than he is? The entire strip club industry would shut down if it weren't for desperate young women and the men who are desperate to fuck them.
I was simply pointing out he's full of shit. As I did with several of his points. Are we any better than him? That's a moral and/or philosophical question that's unique to the individual, we all have our line and what we think goes beyond it.
Sure, to each their own, but... shit.
Nothing hateful there JS - just keeping it real. Just like when you write those romantic novellas about how your ATF #1, 2, 3, [whatever the fuck number you are on] is the perfect one for you, then claim that it's solely because of how she looks and the sex when it is eminently clear that you have some emotional attachment.
To be clear, I don't really care how dudes like you and gawker spend your own time and money. If you two keep getting fucked up and dropping large sums of money over a little stripper pussy that is attached to girls that really don't give a shit about you then c'est la vie I suppose. It's just a bit painful to read these weak rationalizations about the sex being the sole reason for it when that is all too obviously not the case. :)
Today she called me saying she couldn't stand detox and left against medical advice. I told her she was not welcome in my home.
I did pick her up in Boston and drove her to her mother's home about 100 miles from my house. She appeared to have had a dissociative episode (that means she's batshit crazy) talking about the end of the world and how her son was going to the another planet. She would not talk with me about how she trashed my house or all of her belongings.
I'll throw all of her stuff in trash bags and store them in my cellar. She called her mother to tell/warn her that she was on her way. Her mother told her that she was going to send her to an in-patient psychiatric hospital, but the ATF said she wanted to go to an out of state rehab facility where she's been before. She said her roommate was there yesterday and took the car from rehab and crashed, killing herself.
She's now at a point where reality as I know it, has left the scene. I think she may be suicidal and if she won't go I'm sure the court will confine her.
I told her that she should not turn to me for help because I tend to enable drug use and that we are toxic for each other. I told her to give me at least 24 hours notice when she wants to pick up her stuff.
After I was on the road for an hour I heard her Phone ring and discovered it under the front seat. I called her mother & said I'd mail it, which I've done. Out of curiosity I checked her pictures. I found a video of her masturbating crying out my name, saying how wet she was and cumming. She then stated the whole name of her "lover" who has the same first name but a different last name. Lol
There was also a 30 minute video of her and her most recent BF fucking and sucking to beat the band. God, she's beautiful, but I'm afraid my 8 year run has ended.
You (and her mother) are taking the steps necessary to hopefully get her clean. Regardless of the outcome, you are doing what is needed.
It must have been both arousing - and also a bit odd - to watch her videos.