Self destructive behavior

You need to work with your therapist on your tendency to deny reality. People with low self-esteem are often driven to compensate through professional achievement, hence why it's a cliche. And there is absolutely nothing you can do to help your ATF stop using drugs. Truth is, you're actually her greatest enabler. She has zero respect for you, and is taking advantage of you in every way she possibly can. She will never turn her life around until she hits rock bottom, and that will never happen as long as you are there to continually save her from the consequences of her own actions.

aside from the drug issue... NICE!

Just listening and reading, here. I can't really judge (not a professional; and, I assume that, as with most of us, your assertions and historical descriptions are only half of the story, a half which sometimes paints you and her in unfairly positive, sometimes in unfairly negative, light). I have used web-boards like this for major self-scrutiny in the past. Something about typing at TUSCL, or another adult-services-oriented board, just got my juices going, to the point that I need to "write a journal" and eventually I would have so much typed I couldn't even count it all! Then I would say to myself, well, should I post it, or will it annoy people. Eventually I always decided, that I would just post it up there, to hell with if someone wanted me to shut up or not. The act of journal-writing is sometimes therapeutic in and of itself -- typing for a while; or hand-writing; whereas, some other times, the revelations are what turn out to be therapeutic, you write something and eventually write down the solution to a problem; yet some other times, it's the responses that are therapeutic. So, I say, feel free to share, don't worry about the people who (eventually; they'll be doing it, trust me) say something pointless, like, "shut the FFFF up you loser! I don't have time to read all your blather!" (because, what? they own the internet?).

Best wishes ,,, a fellow journal writer and long-post self-scrutiny navel-gazer ,,, BG ,,, :)

I'm really sorry you wife has ALZ. I take of my mother who has easily onset ALZ, that in itself is awful to go through. It's good you have a forum you can get your frustration out at.

aside from the drug issue... NICE!

Well, and the part where she fucked up his granite countertop by slamming a glass down. And where she had another old guy over paying to fuck in her his bed while he was out.

The guys I hang out with have a rule: countertops before hoes.

You should put her in your will. Seriously dude.

OR...

You could just get a prescription for Viagra so that you don't have to give a girl your life savings and then let her trash your place just so you can get a hard on.

But -'m not buying your weak explanation anyway. I think that her drama fills some void in your life. Hey, I"m not criticizing per se, but just be honest with us and yourself about it.

Yeah good thing that faggot RickyBoy is not one to criticize others. Certainly a guy who lives in a glass house himself.

No disrespect, but I got depressed reading this post and quit before the end. Good luck to you though.

I hope you have the jewelry locked up since she's living with you.

I respect a mans determination, especially one who is older, and has been through some shit. BUT, have you ever thought of what you're going to do if you come home to your condo one day and she has OD'd?

shailynn has an excellent point, what are you going to do if you come home one day and discover she and her bf have emptied out your house? or suppose she gets into your laptop and your online accounts?

Best of luck Gawker.

Gawker, I respect you for the way you love your ATF. Probably because I too have felt that way about a messed up stripper. Of course what you are doing for her doesn't make logical sense, there are many risks, and you have spent tons of $ on her. But you understand all of that and want to help her despair all of that. Theres nothing with that.

Please keep telling us how she is. I know, like you do, that she might OD some day and be dead. Or she might turn her life around. Nobody knows which way she will choose but because of you it's at least a little bit more likely that she might turn things around for good.

Damn Rick is an asshole. Just read that hateful post. Sometimes I understand why Dougster feels the way he does.

Ditto

There's a couple of haters here, but I'm supportive. You're living your life the way it was meant to be lived. I hope you don't go broke or worse, but... what a way to go, right? Good for you

You rawdawging it?

And yet another excellent point. Anna Nicole Smith ring a bell for anyone?

Two troubled people use each other to get through the day. It’s not healthy, and it won’t end well, but maybe it’s the least worst option for you.

I had an older, wealthy friend take up with his nurse while his wife suffered Alzheimer’s. He got a companion and she got a nice inheritance a few years later when he passed. It worked for both of them. The calculus is different when heroin is in the picture.

I hope your girl gets clean. I also hope she gets out of your place before her boyfriend moves in. I’m going to sound like an asshole - but when you have both of their minds working together and all of your stuff near them - things are going to be removed and sold (for drug money).

You posted in a discussion previously about her having an overdose and dieing in your place. That possibility remains. I’m not sure how that would effect you, but it’s something you might need to mentally prepare for.

You are an intelligent man, and I hope your situation doesn’t become worse. You care for your wife - and now you also care for this girl. I understand the intense pleasure derived from the sex. It can be very addictive. I’m glad she makes the sex feel great. My hope is that you don’t find yourself in a desperate situation due to your caring for a girl who is in a committed relationship with heroin.

I'm glad Gawker shares his experiences with us. Provided much needed perspective on this hobby.

1. Your therapist, the guy you pay to help you, agrees with us.

2. You don't want to save her, you want her in a position where you can fuck her for money.

3. You previously posted that you had brought her into your home while your wife was there. Lied to your wife about who she was and said she treated your wife poorly while there.

4. I think we all know this isn't about "taste".

5. Hardcore drug addicts don't stay 9's after a decade and a half of using.

6. So she's a good fuck? That doesn't make up for the rest of the fucked up shit.

Gawker regarding your point 5 of respecting another monger's choices. In the other thread I didn't mean to come off like SJG trying to tell you how you should have your fun. I was simply trying to understand why you'd go through all this trouble. I mean you listed 8 different issues you had with your ATF, some of which would be enough to end marriages, let alone a dancer/customer relationship.

From your post in this new thread, it seems that the sex and companionship is worth going through all that. I was thinking that for the time and money you spend on your current ATF you'd be able to find another with much less drama that can give you the same companionship and sex. But like you said, it's your choice and you choose to stay with your ATF. So I have no choice to respect that.

he gets my vote for good guy.

^^^in my last sentence I meant I have no choice but to respect that.

Justme62 no doubt gawker sounds like a good guy. But bad things can happen to good people. It's unfortunate, but it's life. This relationship sounds like he's putting himself in danger of bad things happening a lot.

Hey Gawker, I love your updates. Please keep them coming.

Perhaps you two just have this unconventional, outside the box, relationship that works for both of you. She likes being a junkie. You like being an enabler and having a junkie taking advantage of you. Instead of trying to change, or even understand it, just own it and roll with it.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out though. In the SC, I've seen 8's go to 5's in just a few months when age and the lifestyle catches up them them. Your junkie honey may struggle when her pussy is no longer desirable. When her looks fade will you still be there for her? Of course you will honestly say "yes" but the truth may be something else.

Being young and sexy enables these honeys travel far off the rails before the suffer the consequences making it even harder for them to get back on track.

Best of luck to you and your honey.

It's funny to read the disparity of your comments. Part of what I find funny is that they're almost all true. I see the danger and I get a rush out of it. I know the statistical evidence of the likelihood of her getting and staying sober and it ain't good. I know when she's faking and when she's truthful ( most of the time). Many have said there's plenty where she came from. True, but with my ATF, there's rapport. There are two other strippers I've invested heavily in ( both time & money) and one has deteriorated terribly. She's currently incarcerated and her teeth have rotted, she's not looking too good, has developed a skin condition and a ton of other medical issues. She & her mother are both crack addicts and I want nothing to do with her. I've blocked her phone and cut ties. The other has never used hard drugs, occasionally smokes weed and is a gorgeous young woman. She had a child about 6 months ago and her stomach is as flat as can be, her tits are larger than when I met her and yet she has serious anger issues. She's never unleashed her rage on me, but I've heard her share her plans to destroy her former BF which range from cutting the brake lines on his Mustang to killing his dog. When angry she's a true psycho bitch. She is the only dancer or escort I've been with whose blow jobs compare with my ATF's. She now lives 2 hours away from me but I've seen her twice since the baby was born and if she wasn't so far away it'd be a tough choice between them. This little honey is mixed race with the best qualities of both. Once we were at her apartment watching a movie with me sitting on her couch and her sitting on the floor between my legs. She turned, looked up at me and said, "May I suck your dick?" Such a well mannered woman! My ATF must have good genes because other than a little trouble with her complexion she is still a damned good looking piece. Her mother is alcoholic, in her mid 50's and yet is still attractive. The ATF has horrible eating habits and yet she continues to look fine.

"I've heard her share her plans to destroy her former BF which range from cutting the brake lines on his Mustang to killing his dog. When angry she's a true psycho bitch. She is the only dancer or escort I've been with whose blow jobs compare with my ATF's. She now lives 2 hours away from me... and if she wasn't so far away it'd be a tough choice between them"

That's all I need to hear, and pretty much all that needs to be said. You're not self-destructive, you're suicidal. I have no clue why you hate yourself so much, but have fun pursuing your self-homicide.

@jester214 said "You don't want to save her, you want her in a position where you can fuck her for money."

So what? Let him have his fun. Are we any better than he is? The entire strip club industry would shut down if it weren't for desperate young women and the men who are desperate to fuck them.

@anonlvone, he was talking about the other one, not the ATF.

yeah, i got that. in between all the other bs he posted i completely glossed over the part about the anti-depressants. a while back before i understood what was going on, i suggested he shop around for a younger, hotter, mentally sane fuck buddy. but he doesn't want that. gawker is drawn to women who are dangerous, who are as self-destructive as he is. the more dangerous & self-destructive the woman is, the more of a hard on he gets.

@anonlvone, I don't know, in my experience the self-destructive ones are the only ones want to fuck for money.

0_0 maybe so, i wouldn't know, i gotta go wash out my brain

Gawker thanks for continuing on posting your unapologetic true life pl saga. I personally find your posts to be some of the most entertaining and informative posts on TUSCL. Few would have the stones to post this stuff about their lives and I commend you for your candor. Enjoy yourself and hope you and your girl are able to continue to benefit from each other's company. Stay safe!

"So what? Let him have his fun. Are we any better than he is? The entire strip club industry would shut down if it weren't for desperate young women and the men who are desperate to fuck them."

I was simply pointing out he's full of shit. As I did with several of his points. Are we any better than him? That's a moral and/or philosophical question that's unique to the individual, we all have our line and what we think goes beyond it.

I would remind everyone: To each their own.

I'm not one for telling others that they're having fun wrong, but I'd never choose this path. Actually, Gawker's story is the reason why I don't get overly involved with any of these women. To me, it seems like the polar opposite of fun.

Sure, to each their own, but... shit.

I have a question for @gawker. Is your avatar photo one of the girls you’ve mentioned? As that girl appears to have an awesome body.

Gawker has courage to post this stuff. I shudder to think about things we all have done, but cie la vie.

JS posted: "Damn Rick is an asshole. Just read that hateful post."

Nothing hateful there JS - just keeping it real. Just like when you write those romantic novellas about how your ATF #1, 2, 3, [whatever the fuck number you are on] is the perfect one for you, then claim that it's solely because of how she looks and the sex when it is eminently clear that you have some emotional attachment.

To be clear, I don't really care how dudes like you and gawker spend your own time and money. If you two keep getting fucked up and dropping large sums of money over a little stripper pussy that is attached to girls that really don't give a shit about you then c'est la vie I suppose. It's just a bit painful to read these weak rationalizations about the sex being the sole reason for it when that is all too obviously not the case. :)

Cashman - my photo is my ATF's body. Today she called me saying she couldn't stand detox and left against medical advice. I told her she was not welcome in my home. I did pick her up in Boston and drove her to her mother's home about 100 miles from my house. She appeared to have had a dissociative episode (that means she's batshit crazy) talking about the end of the world and how her son was going to the another planet. She would not talk with me about how she trashed my house or all of her belongings. I'll throw all of her stuff in trash bags and store them in my cellar. She called her mother to tell/warn her that she was on her way. Her mother told her that she was going to send her to an in-patient psychiatric hospital, but the ATF said she wanted to go to an out of state rehab facility where she's been before. She said her roommate was there yesterday and took the car from rehab and crashed, killing herself. She's now at a point where reality as I know it, has left the scene. I think she may be suicidal and if she won't go I'm sure the court will confine her. I told her that she should not turn to me for help because I tend to enable drug use and that we are toxic for each other. I told her to give me at least 24 hours notice when she wants to pick up her stuff. After I was on the road for an hour I heard her Phone ring and discovered it under the front seat. I called her mother & said I'd mail it, which I've done. Out of curiosity I checked her pictures. I found a video of her masturbating crying out my name, saying how wet she was and cumming. She then stated the whole name of her "lover" who has the same first name but a different last name. Lol There was also a 30 minute video of her and her most recent BF fucking and sucking to beat the band. God, she's beautiful, but I'm afraid my 8 year run has ended.

Gawker - your ATF has an amazing body. It’s sad to hear how drugs have made a mess of her brain. I don’t know much about addiction - but it seems that she needs to be in a place where she can’t just leave.

You (and her mother) are taking the steps necessary to hopefully get her clean. Regardless of the outcome, you are doing what is needed.

It must have been both arousing - and also a bit odd - to watch her videos.