You know you're in a dive bar when . . .

How about...

When you spot 3 Hispanic migrant workers asleep in the back row of the club. Oh, and the club does not serve alcohol or let you BYOB, so it's likely they are not drunk.

You see Papi_Chulo. :)

It's so dark in the club that you keep trippin' over shit, and when you look back to see what you tripped over, you'd swear that you just saw it move on its own.

When each time you speak to a dancer she listens attentively, and then at the first opening she tells you where she lives.

SJG

There's a pay phone inside

They have a jukebox instead of a DJ

They don't have an ATM

No hand-soap or paper-towels in the bathroom (or even toilet-paper).

They put out buckets on the main-floor when it rains.

They serve lot's of beer in plastic cups

When Juice is considered a baller

30 y/o pool table in the back, with only one crummy cuestick

When each time you give the girl on stage $1 she rolls it up and starts showing you all the ways it can be used.

( George's Rock'n Robin, east San Jos )

SJG

"They put out buckets on the main-floor when it rains."

Now what type of buckets are we talking about? There are 3 tiers as far as I am concerned:

Low-Tier - utility buckets, like the ones you buy at Home Depot or Lowes for construction

Mid-Tier - sandbox buckets, like the type a dancer stole from her kid

Upper-Tier - champagne bucket, bonus points if it's a Moet bucket

^^^ A dive would probably have KFC buckets.......courtesy of Juice

When all the dancers weigh more than you... WAY more than you...

I hate to admit it, but I've been to a few clubs with many traits described above, and I was a repeat customer.

How about when your shoes stick to the floor from all the spilled beer that never gets mopped up.

The VIP room is the size of a broom closet with just a single cafeteria style chair.

Dances are $5

They have old-style CRT TVs instead of LCD/plasma TVs

The strippers underwear and bra is from Zayre's department store.

Instead of a VIP Room the main group of dancers has brought their own mini-van into the parking lot, and they are doing guys one after another.

( true )

SJG

Every White guy gets asked,

"are you a cop?"

You strike up a conversation with a guy at the bar, only to find out he is one of the dancers' father.
And he encourages you to get lap dances from her.

(also true)

There's duct tape. Lots of duct tape.

Half the people in the club are smoking weed.

3/4 of the dancers have noticeable C-sections

The only dancer in the place has abdominal scars which look much worse than a C-section. It looks like someone must have stabbed her, but she refuses to talk about it.

( true, George's Rock'n Robin, east San Jose, now defunct )

SJG

Several of the dancers have old bullet wounds.

The tiny one toilet restroom is covered with old pages from nudie magazines

When most of the dancers don't look better than the bouncers.

When a dancer is the bouncer.

The Space Invaders video game gets more attention then the strippers.

$80 bjs? Sounds upscale to me.

That one wasn't meant to be serious

When you order a Jack and Coke and the bartender brings you a Bud.

They have all-you-can-eat peanuts and the shells litter the floor

There is a sign outside that names the club Bogarts.

You ask for a chilled glass for your beer and they give you a beer pong plastic cup.

I was at one that snow vaved in the roof

Caved in the roof

There's a condom machine in the main room, just inside the front door. (C-Mowes, Washington Park, IL)

The dancer takes off her dentures just prior to BBBJ.

The mixers are in 2 liter bottles purchased at the nearby 7-11.

^^^Lol that was funny

You try to hand the stage dancer a dollar, but she doesn't know what to do because she's waiting for you to slap it on her crotch (but this place closed after the robbery-murders).

Which make it a bigger dive bar, if the granny stripper is over 50 or under 35?

The floors are stained dark brown because nobody can hit the spitoons....

In the VIP room there is an outline of a body in chalk.

There are no doors for the toilet stalls or only one toilet with a sign, out of order.

The bathroom stall looks like one big cow trough for everyone to piss into and the girls can walk right by and watch, no door on the bathroom.

The lap dance room has a separate juke box for music and you have to put in money before your lap dance can start.

The tiny bathroom urinal has the words Death From Above written above the urinal and other graffiti to read while urinating.

Grandma stopped dancing a few years back but still hangs around the bar with daughter and granddaughter who both dance there. Other assorted family members (male and female) also hang out there. Granddaughter had twin girls a year ago. I assume they're destined to be strippers in 17 years.

This place really exists. I just posted a review of it, though none of the people described above were there at the time I reviewed. They're day shifters and the review was for an after midnight visit. This place also has many of the other "qualities" described above: jukebox, rain buckets, ancient pool tables, dancers large enough to bring down the pole. The condom machine is in the men's room. There's probably one in the ladies, too. The bartenders are retired dancers, but they still do a set from time to time.

You know your in a dive bar when you see stretch marks and bullet wholes on your stripper

When there is a huge hole in the wall between the men's and women's bathrooms and it's been covered up with duct tape on both sides.

When you enter the 6x6 1 toilet bathroom and there is a wooden chair sitting a foot in front of and facing the toilet. (We assumed it was the BJ throne or used for other sex acts

When the bartender tells Mrs. Sea normally she'd dance most nights but her IBS is acting up and it's hurting her back today.

When the 2 dancers working are sitting in the corner eating chicken wings and there are only 2 customers. One is sitting at the bar watching jeopardy and the other is playing pool by himself.

"The dancer takes off her dentures just prior to BBBJ."

That would be seriously non-brilliant! :(

When the bathroom is so filthy that your hands will stay cleaner if you DON'T wash them.

When they serve all of the drinks in plastic cups so that the patrons cannot use the containers as weapons.

When they don't bother putting covers over the exposed light bulbs.

When the LD/VIP area contains nothing but folding metal chairs.

When you are one of the few people in the club who is fluent n English (obviously this one is meant for American clubs).

When everyone in the club is watching an MMA fight on TV. Actually happened way back before the UFC. The fights had zero rules it seemed.

In was in the Alley Cat in Miami, And I mean everyone, including all the club staff and dancers.

When a dancer uses a customers jacket for her outfit.

When the tables and chairs are older than the dancers, even the old dancers.

"...bullet wholes..."

Somehow, misspelling "holes" makes it funny! Brilliant! ;)

There is no stall and the toilet is it in the open.

When you ask the female bartender for a Miller Lite, and she replies that "Busch is better" while she looks down at her crotch.
(This one actually happened to me one time in a SC).

---> "You know you're in a dive bar when . ."

. . the "security" is the owner's dog (Rottweiler).

. . the Street Walkers are allowed in, but they can't loiter in the SC nor the adult bookstore sections, so they have to stay in the section with the 25 ¢ video booths (for hjs, bjs, etc).

. . the over-the-hill bartender doubles/subs as a stripper when there aren't enough girls that night.

. . mother and daughter are a hustling duo.

. . the dancer on the pole has a house arrest bracelet on her ankle.

. . you go to tip on stage, but the dancer doesn't have garter or a g-string, and she instead tells you to put the dollar in your mouth, and put your head down on stage. o.O

. . there's no cover charge right now because we were just robbed, so we can't make any change right now.

(all true stories)

"When there is a huge hole in the wall between the men's and women's bathrooms and it's been covered up with duct tape on both sides."

???

Like some of our local porno stores with video arcades, and holes between the separating walls crudely patched over.

How about some of these places in Gary Indiana and Fayetteville North Carolina that I want to visit, where the strip club is part of a porno store and they have private rooms for hostess porno movie viewing?

SJG

There are expose electrical wires hanging from the ceiling.

The air-conditioner blows hot air most of the time and everyone inside is sweating.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A DIVE CLUB WHEN YOU SEE JUICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If she's hot, that's code to me that shes probably a cougar. And I LOVE cougars.

...when the strippers want to fuck you for free. Their life must suck so bad that they can't find dick at a better establishment than a strip club

when the best stage tipper in the club only gave a dollar....oh wait that was me at a very clean but boring establishment. Scratch that

SmithVF, I have been in a few clubs where the dancers were also the bouncers, including two dive bars in Cleveland back in the 90's.

Here are a few that I personally experienced.
The men's restroom is locked and when the door finally opens a customer and dancer walks out, and when you go in there are two toilets and 3 urinals, so it is quite obvious what was going on back there, especially since it was a common occurrence at the club.

You need to approach the bartender for a key to use the restroom. Asked a dancer about this and she said it's because someone got mugged in there a few years ago.

Security consists of an police officer or sheriff that sits at the bar checking licenses, and kicking out drunks. Also at a Cleveland Club.

Before you get a dance the dancer hands you a few dollars in quarters and asks you to get her some condoms from the condom machine in the restroom, because she is out. Happened in several clubs, most recently in the Tampa area.

You have to navigate an obstacle course consisting of dancers legs dangling outside the curtains, and dozens of bottles of beer that has rolled all over the hallway that is slippery and sticky from all the spilt beer, to get to the one lone dance cubicle at the end of that narrow hallway.

You leave the club after declining dance requests, replete with all the extras you could ever want, from every dancer in the club at least two times, because not one dancer appealed to you.

Several of the dancers in the club are pregnant and another dancer sprayed her breast milk all over me and offered to let me drink some, if I promised to tip well. Happened to me at several clubs in Ohio over the years.

You know you are at a dive bar when . . .

. . . the bar will cash payroll or Govt benefits checks.

. . . you go there with your step-brother's baby mamma (since she's bi) and the doorman still turns her away. Because at this SC Every woman needs to be accompanied by TWO men, not just one. And the doorman says, "how do I know he's not yo pimp and 'youse 'jist tryin' to git in anyway?" And the baby mamma turns to you saying, "R U going to take that from him?" I answer, "according to him I'm your pimp, so I should smack you for talking out of line." lol. We later laugh about it and find a third companion (her bf).

The dancers leave skid marks whenever the rub against you