Things to be Cautious Of When Clubbing -(For the Married - or those with SOs)
DougS
Florida
Being married, or a clubber with an SO, assuming that the other person in your relationship isn't too thrilled about you clubbing, you have GOT to be extremely discreet. I thought I'd list some of the things that have tripped me up in the past, or at least those potential "gotchas" and mistakes that everyone should diligently try to avoid.
In the words of Chick McGee of Bob and Tom fame, "don't take pictures, don't write anything down, deny, deny, deny!"
In no particular order, things you don't want to get caught with...
- glitter (any dancer wearing glitter ought to be strung up, if you ask me)
- excessive scents from perfume (or, uhh... scents originating from other uhh... areas)
- makeup / lipstick / bodily fluid stains
- hairs (my eagle-eyed spouse recently spotted a blonde hair on the carpet of my car)
- hickies / love bite marks
- phone records (both incoming and outgoing)
- receipts (hotel/motel, restaurants, gas - especially from a city that you weren't expected to be in)
- pictures / letters / physical evidence
That's enough to get the topic started...
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59 comments
I also have a bottle of "fresh scent" Fabreeze that I spray my clothes in order to get rid of any smells. It even helps with the smell of smoke, which when I am spending HOURS in a club can be quite troublesome. These days, with smoking bans, etc., it's getting hard and harder to explain why I smell like I spent a week working in the R J Reynolds testing facility.
HEY, BUSTER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING MARRIED TO MY WIFE! Seriously, my wife is the same way. Strangely, other than commenting about how bad the smoke smell is, she's never mentioned the smell of perfume (or other things). I know I can still sometimes smell it faintly, so unless I'm overly paranoid, I can't believe SHE can't. You know, I've even driven 3 hours with all of my windows down, air conditioning running full blast in the dead of winter in an attempt to air out before getting home.
I also try to plan my Clubbing so that it's not the same day as my return home. On the other hand, OTCing works out well for smells of the smokey variety, since there is no smoking allowed in the hotel, I at least don't smell like cigarettes, however, the bad side is, there's no smoke smell to cover the perfume smell. Fortunately, both girls that I OTC with currently do not wear strong perfume.
A score of years practicing law has given me the ability to explain away a lot of atrocious, indefensible stuff...but I have no idea how I would have dealt with that, if, for example, at the dinner table, my lovely, inquisitive daughter had checked out the bright purple wrapper in my breast pocket.
Damn, that would've been disastrous. That is a good example of why I always go through each and every pocket, to make sure there are no surprises, even when I know that >>I<< never put anything in there... you just never know. I even go through each pocket of my suitcases, computer bag, you name it. It would be just my luck that a well-intentioned girl would stick a "love note" somewhere for me to find later...
Prior to my habitual pocket searching missions, I also got caught with something. I'd been to several strip clubs in the Toronto area with a group of co-workers/friends on a boondoggle. At one particular club, they were handing out all sorts of freebies... playing cards with dancers pictures on them, t-shirts, g-strings, coupons, etc. Well, I WAS smart enough to leave the obvious stuff in the wastebasket of my hotel room. However, thinking that we'd probably go back to that club later in the week, I held onto the coupons (I think it was free admission, or something like that). Well, we never went back, but the frickin' coupons were still in my shirt pocket when my wife did my laundry. DOH! (not disastrous, but it certainly made home life a bit awkward for a while)
Recently, I suffered a severe dumbass attack and used the wrong credit card for a purchase that looked suspicious when the Visa bill came. I had to do some quick thinking and fancy dancing, complete with some amazing footwork to get out of THAT one.
Oh, and there's the time a few years back when my wife suddenly wanted to listen to my voicemails on my phone. Knowing that there were MANY very damning VMs from my prev-ATF, I pretended that my voicemail password suddenly quit working. Talk about lame, but even as unbelievable as THAT was, and as much suspicion as that raised, it was still MUCH better than if she had heard the voicemails. (I haven't learned my lesson entirely on this, as I have three from my C-Fav on my phone asI type... gotta record them onto my computer and delete them off my phone, before I get caught)
Living life on the edge of stupidity... (uhh, no, I think I have crossed completely into stupidity)
Alibis... that's another to add... alibis have to be relatively fool proof, and cover anything that may come up. This is an area where I really live "on the edge". I often am actually "many hours" from where my alibi SAYS that I am. If I ever run into a problem such as car accident or car trouble, it would be nearly impossible to explain whey I am in Indianapolis, when I'm supposed to be in Livonia.
NJSCFAN: You are good at creating explanations... How do I talk my way out of THAT scenario?!
The other advantage of only clubbing on business trips is that if you do get caught you can always blame some other guy for dragging you off to the club. In my case there were even a couple times that would have been true.
The other option, of course, is to find a club buddy. You don't have to actually club with the guy, he just has to be willing to cover for you. If you are out with your best friend Bill, and he will vouch for you, then you can be doing all sorts of things -- bowling, going out for drinks or dinner, etc. -- and if you're questioned about it, you can say, "give me a break, I'm hanging out with my friend."
And again, I try to be diabolical about coming up with ways to throw her off. For example, sometimes I will go out with a female friend (not a dancer or escort), and I will make a big point of telling her -- even joking about whether she is jealous. This totally throws her off, because I have nothing to hide.
Accounting for time is not a problem, as I am self-employed in a job that can be very demanding in that respect, and can legitimately have me working any time, day or night. I sometimes really do go to the office from 10:00pm. to 2:00 am., just because I can be so much more efficient then...no phone calls, few e-mails, etc.
Accouning for money is not a problem, as my wife has no interest in keeping track of our money, as long as the ATM card works (She's not a mercenary bitch...she has a good job, and she and I trade off about every year as to who is making more money--we both have professional practices, so our incomes vary from year to year. She also spends very little money). She gives me her paycheck in the sealed envelope that in comes in from the accounting office at her workplace. So she sure the hell is not going to be opening credit card bills or bank statements.
So, the only way I can get in trouble is a really stupid mistake on my part (the condom wrapper in my shirt pocket, for example), or some unforeseeable and unpreventable bad luck (having a heart attack in a club, for example, or getting in a car accident on a strip club lot).
Last summer, we were on vacation. I don't carry a wallet, instead have the bare necessities of identification (driver's license, insurance card, debit card) in a money clip in my top pocket. For reasons too complex to go into, I also had my "industry card" (free entry, 24/7, to any club in a national chain...comp from the manager). Wifey got up before I did and, in looking for a keycard, looked through that stack of cards. When I awakened, she was in the hotel dining at the complimentary b'fast buffet (thus, her concern for the keycard), and the remaining cards were in a stack on the dresser. To this day, I don't know if she noticed the strip club pass, or appreciated its significance. My wife is an extremely intelligent woman (maybe the smartest woman I've personally known), but also has an extremely focused way of thinking. The way her brain works, she probably just discarded anything that didn't look like a keycard, and didn't worry about what anything else might be (Like sculpting an elephant by carving away anything that doesn't look like an elephant.) In any event, she never said anything about the pass.
Man is out late one night with his lover. As he is leaving her, he asks to borrow some baby powder, which he proceeds to sprinkle all over his hands. When he gets home at 1 a.m., his now very angry wife is waiting for him. "Where have you been?!?" "Sweetheart, I won't lie to you. I've been having an affair with a beautiful young girl, and tonight I stayed late at her place, making wild passionate love." The wife looks at him suspiciously, and says, "let me see your hands." He sheepishly shows her his hands, covered in white powder. Now she's really angry. "Don't you lie to me, you've been bowling!"
Another guy was always getting in trouble with the wife for going out and getting trashed, and she swore she'd divorce him if he did again. One night he's carousing with his buddies, and he gets so drunk that he barfs all over himself. He's horrified, and says to his friends, "Good lord, what'll I do? When I get home, my wife's sure to know I got drunk again. She'll divorce me. I'm doomed." But his buddies calm him down and say, "look, it's simple. Stuff $10 in your shirt pocket. When you get home, just calmly explain that another guy barfed on you, and he paid you $10 to take your shirt to the cleaners." Satisfied with this plan, the still woozy man makes his way home. When he gets there, the Wife confronts him in his unsightly state, but he's ready for her and whips out the money with his explanation. But when she looks at the money, she says, "I don't get it, you said he gave you $10 to clean your shirt, and this is a $20." "Oh yeah," the man replies, "I almost forgot. He also took a shit in my pants."
It sounds to me like having secrets and being clever about it (or at least thinking we are) and the risk of getting caught are all part of the fun of clubbing for a lot of us.
I was so jarred by the experience that it was all I could do to focus enough to cum. However, I rose to the occasion.
Out of about the last 6 club visits, she was even went with me about half of them.
Fastforward a few more hours, and I found myself having to do some serious explaining to get into my own home (wife was none too happy, as it was 4am). The male friend was in even more trouble (his wife noticed that his belt was missing). My friend used me as a scapegoat, saying that I'd dragged him to a party and we all got drunk. To this day, his wife won't let him so much as talk to me.
That would be just my luck....I could just see my poor wife having to explain to everyone how I passed away at a strip club. Thanks chitown, like I needed one more thing to wory about.
I am usually more concerned about where to park my vehicle so that nobody I know drives by and sees it. The problem here is parking in the back of a strip club can be a little on the dangerous side.
My wife is pretty low key. Probably all she would ever say directly about it would be, "serves you right."
Godfather, I actuall had a car accident in a strip club parking lot once - I backed into a limo when leaving. It was very minor and didn't leave much of a mark on my car, but the limo driver/owner was so upset that he insisted calling the police. and they in turn were so upset at having been called for such a minor accident that they sited him for parking incorrectly, which I thought was pretty funny.
On another visit I got up the next morning with a dent in my car and had no idea how it got there, whether I did it the night before or someone hit me in the parking lot. That's the last time I ever drank heavily when clubbing.
ATTORNEY: And when your husband woke up in the hospital, what were his first words?
WITNESS: He said, "where am I, Judy?"
ATTORNEY: And what was your reaction when he said that.
WITNESS: I was very upset.
ATTORNEY: And why is that?
WITNESS: My name's not Judy.
One night DougS and I were at Brad's Brass Flamingo when we were visited at our table by a very young (probably 19 y/o dancer), who started lecturing us on the fact that she had no issue with dancing for single guys, but was disgusted by the idea of dancing for married men. I can't recall if it was me or Doug who broke the news to her that her philosophy would cut her off from 80% of her customers.
In any event, the club is at the end of a street that includes a residential area and sometimes, particularly on warm days/evenings, the streets of full of people milling around, taking their sweet time crossing the road, etc. I sometimes think about what a life-ruining experience it would be to hit someone, esp. a child, as I was leaving the club. Even if I hadn't been drinking (and I drink very little any more, under any circumstances), people would assume I was loaded. And because this club is located in an impoverished black area, the socio-economic angle of a white lawyer from one of the more affluent towns on his way home from a strip club hitting a poor black child would be impossible for the press to resist. People who have read my favorite modern novel, Tom Wolfe's "Bonfire of the Vanities" will get the picture. My life would be gone--disbarred ("conduct tending to bring the legal profession into disrepute"--I'm serious), bankrupt (uninsured punitive damages assessed against me at trial for drinking while driving), divorced (for obvious reasons), imprisoned (reckless homicide).
A couple of years ago I wrote about a colleague of mine who, in the mid 90s, had made the grand tour of the ESL clubs when his wife was out of town. At 5:00 am, he was driving drunk, the wrong way down a state highway, driving the wrong way to get to his intended destination of his home in St. Louis, and struck and killed a 15 year old farm boy who was on his way to work at Grandpa's produce stand at the St. Louis farmer's market. The lawyer was convicted of reckless or vehicular homicide and DUI, and spent a year in a county jail that is said to be fairly brutal (experienced criminals have said they would rather go to the State penitentiary), but survived the experience. Missouri disbarred him, but D.C. never did, so his lost his practice in St. Louis, but relocated to D.C., where I understand he is doing well. His insurance company paid the civil damages (claim resolved without him having to pay punitive damages, which are uninsurable). Amazingly, and finally relevant to this thread, his wife stood by him, and they are still married.
But I bet she makes his life hell.
However, the fact remains that accidents can happen anywhere, but not all accident scenes are equal. If your serious injury occurs because you slipped on spilled communion wine at Church, it's just not going to make the same headlines as if you slipped on some spilled beer at a strip club.
But then my hubby can do what ever the hell he wants. If he gets too frisky with a dancer he just better share her with me! And of course the same rule applies to me.
But then my hubby can do what ever the hell he wants. If he gets too frisky with a dancer he just better share her with me! And of course the same rule applies to me.
I'm glad my wife knows I go to the clubs and I'm glad she only thinks it's once a month or so. I'm not sure what she'd think if she read this stuff. Since I don't do OTC stuff, it probably wouldn't be too big of a deal (I'm probably kidding myself).
There is a SC that I have been to a couple of times lately that the bouncer/bartender is related to people that I work with. I dont know if he knows who I am but I know who he is so I have decided to avoid that place for a while.
the smell of smoke is the worst thing to worry about.
The thrill of victory, and the agony.....well....you know.
Although not from clubbing, but I also make a habit of check that I have all the right things in their proper place, and do it often, when out and about.