Handling bad news
100% serious thread.Used to have this regular who came in once a week pretty reliably. Eventually the reliability falls off once he’s paying 10k a month because his wife moves to a living facility. It drops off even further when he gets a cancer diagnosis, and have only occasionally seen him since. I’ve texted with him occasionally and reached out to wish a Happy Thanksgiving. I wasn’t trying to get him back in the club because it’s understandable.
He texts me this morning that a few days ago the doctor predicts he has another 4-9 months left to live and they aren’t going to be doing anything more treatment-wise anymore. I feel awkward and I don’t know how to act in this. Here’s the text exchange:
I am sorry to hear that. I’m mentally giving you a hug
Thank you. I hope I can see you at least one more time.
You have always been a joy to be around, and I won’t ever be able to forget you.
I’m sure we can work something out. Let me know whatever you want to do
I will thanks
…Should I be saying or doing anything in this situation?
And no, please don’t suggest extras services. One time he specifically told me about having a buddy who would brag about taking girls out of the club for extracurricular activities, and rolling his eyes because that wasn’t ever his thing and got annoyed when the friend tried to make it a competition thing for something he never wanted to participate in. That wouldn’t be helpful in this situation.
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Another innocent option is meeting for coffee.
All of this depends on how bad his situation is and what you are both comfortable with. Who knows? He may want to go out with a bang and hit your club one more time while he's still up for it.
You wrote and I quote:
“I’m sure we can work something out. Let me know whatever you want to do.”
In my humble opinion and limited experience, you are treating him like a reliable regular customer that became unreliable, but you had still hoped he would become reliable at again at some point in the future...however his imminent demise in a few months makes that most likely impossible to happen.
And again in my opinion this is causing YOU some kind of discomfort, remorse, I don’t know what exactly, hopefully you do know.
In my opinion if you really wanted to do something for him, you would have said, “when and were would you like me to meet you?” because he already told you that he wanted to see you, because YOU brought JOY to his life...
Being with family members and friends and saying goodbyes is important when death is imminent and this becomes a “good death” because helps to calm and soothe the soon to be departed so that they have a more peaceful journey to their death.
“To ive real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.”
I'm not unsympathetic to what he's going through, but if you start getting sucked into customers' sad situations, it will become a never-ending vortex. If I were you I'd block him and be done with it.
If he is up to a last trip to the club just make sure you give him a great show that he can think back on and smile as he goes through his final months. Not saying it would be anything extra, just put your best effort into making each song great.
If he isn't up for a trip to the club then the suggestion of meeting for coffee would be a nice thing to do if it would be something he would want.
Otherwise if you find yourself thinking of him just send him a text saying you hope he is doing as well as possible along with a pic of your smiling face.
Being nice is harder than being callous. But in the long run, it's the way to be. It's exercise at being a better person. If I were that fellow, I'd be touched to be offered one free one. Whether that's a cup of coffee, a lite lunch, or if he is up to going to the club, one free dance.
I would let him know though, that this is the one last time, so you don't get sucked in too far.
We ALL, if we're lucky, will grow old and possibly feable, the kindness of others means more than you may know.
This all presumes you feel strong enough emotionally. Best to you.
I have to qualify my opinion though, I really don't know your relationship with this dude. Simply seeing him every week doesn't tell me anything. If you guys actually had a connection of sorts, maybe it's appropriate to make more of an effort. It also depends largely on his desires. I'm guessing since he made a point to tell you, he wants something from you. Not suggesting it's carnal or anything, but he evidently wants to see you. If he wants to blow his last dollar in a strip club before he can't get out of bed, I wouldn't feel one ounce of guilt helping him.
I'll also say I think it's pretty normal for someone your age to feel awkward and unsure of how to respond. Generally, it's not a situation 20 somethings have a lot of experience with. As you get a little older, it'll happen more often and you'll feel a little less awkward and a lot more confident in how to respond. That's just life.
Saying what you did over text was fine but I wouldn't offer anything any more than you would to a good regular that you have a good rapport with. I'd work out something with him to come in and meet with him. And sure, give him the best time you can give him within the same limits as any other regular.
Him telling you all that was too personal in my view. He's the one that went too far with information, not you. But for me I've always drawn clear personal business lines in a club and with strippers. I'm there for a physical experience first and second to be treated like I'm a stud on a superficial level. It's an indulgence in a fantasy, and I like the strippers that cater to that. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't want pity because I'm not going to bemoan my lot in life myself to strippers. That's what my friends and family are for. I think it's unfair to strippers, no different than I don't really want a stripper to bring up how she's hurting for money for some personal issue that has nothing to do with me.
"so it turns out there is chance I live longer....it isn't common but...my doctor said that the excitement of sex with a woman under 30 could really kickstart my body. It has to be somebody I know though, so not some stranger/prostitute...."
If you engage any further (I have no opinion on that; you're the best judge as to whether or not it's a good idea), then possibly send a message like: "It sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot to think about. I don't want to make demands on you. Please let me know what will be fun for you and I'll try to accommodate that." That way, you're not trying to figure out this guy's current mindset. Put the ball in his court, which is where it should be. If he's only got months to live, then he gets to set the agenda for that time.
End-of-life stuff can be complex, but sometimes it isn't. I've seen some people be very matter of fact about their terminal illness. The situation might present itself as sad, the people around him might be sad, but he could totally fine with being in the home stretch.
But just be honest. If I were in your position I'd say...
"I don't know what to say. This is unexpected to say the least. How are you hanging there?"
If he offers money take it.
If I’m reading you incorrectly and he is just a regular custie but nothing more, then I think your kind expressions have been the right way to handle it. He needs his loved ones, not an entertainer acquaintance at this point.
I'm not super old, may have another 10 to 20 years. But if I go tomorrow, I wouldn't feel cheated, I've had many blessings in my life. Among the biggest blessings have been the chance to spend time with nice, beautiful, charming, interesting dancers like you. You have already done more than you know.
I suggest you watch this and, based on knowing him, decide if you should send him the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuDiPv-a… .
It’s not a pity hustle. Last time I saw him in person, he was definitely looking weaker than he previously had been. And he didn’t even order any beer for himself. Honestly, even if the news was sad I wasn’t surprised. Previously, he always got a specific beer brand and was annoyed when the club didn’t have that in stock for a month and grudgingly drank a different brand at that time. So only ordering water was really uncharacteristic at that point. Also he’s either 84 or 85 years old right now (fuzzy on the exact age) so it is what it is.
I appreciate the general validation that I messaged the right thing. I just didn’t know how friendly or distant is appropriate for that type of text.
I wouldn’t be opposed to meeting for coffee or anything, but I don’t think I will initiate that type of thing. Judging from previous conversations, he already has children and other loved ones who would be better for that type of thing. I’ll send out a Merry Christmas text when it’s closer to that time though.
Me: “ … ”
Him: “ … “
I didn’t get the sense either that he was angling to get something out-of/from you – if he was a regular and you’ve texted in the past, I assume his current text was a way of saying goodbye or as a way to let you know his condition so at least you would know what happened if you were unable to make contact w/ him in the future.
As others have posted, I don’t think you can do anything more than maybe be available to see him (in the club or for coffee/lunch) if he so wishes although when one is in poor-health often times doing stuff is not really enjoyable or doable.
Him:
On December 7th I went to a doctor appointment expecting to re start the treatments. They had been telling me for a while how much better my liver was. Instead of a treatment I was told they couldn't do any more for me. They said I probably have somewhere between 4 and 9 months. I sure have a lot to do in that short time. I'm sorry to bring you the bad news.
Me:
I am sorry to hear that. I’m mentally giving you a hug
Him:
Thank you. I hope I can see you at least one more time.
Me:
You have always been a joy to be around, and I won’t ever be able to forget you.
I’m sure we can work something out. Let me know whatever you want to do
Him:
I will thanks
Even if things don’t work out for you to get together, I believe your text brought him joy, has given him something to look forward to, and let him know he’s not forgotten. Those things mean so much.
As for communication with him, I'd say do whatever feels right. If you think he'd prefer to be the one reaching out, then let him. But, if you think he'd appreciate hearing he's in your thoughts now and then, do that. Yes, we're strippers and our job is what it is... but that doesn't mean we can't also just be kind humans. 😊
I'm a little surprised at some of the callous responses to this post... this poor guy dealt with his wife's failing health and now faces his own imminent mortality but was a loyal, weekly customer prior to the unfortunate turn his life has taken at the end.
I would say take the positive comments here (of which there are some great ones) to heart and leave the rest.
First protect thyself. He got what he was paying for - she has no obligation to let his problems become hers. It's the circle of life. The old die and the young move on. Indeed his decision to burden her with this to begin with makes me wonder what his motives are.
I'm not.
If only that were true, I guess there's a first time for every thing !
Everyone, before you're too hard on Rick, you should know he was that kid who had to shoot Old Yeller.
Hey, advice costs me no more than a handful of seconds typing. Getting caught up in some old man death saga is an entirely other matter. But at the end of the day she'll do what she wants anyway.
As for you, nicespice, I would continue to just message him through the holidays and intermittently after that. I hope he can find some joy this year, despite the sequence of bad news. I wouldn't push him to come to the club, though.
Everyone is entitled to their opinions, of course, but I'm infinitely glad that all my years in the industry haven't hardened me so much that I'd share yours on this one. 😊
And throughout that time I had hard times, clearly not as bad as having only a few months to live, but still I went through things that I'd rather not have had to. And throughout that time I made no mention of any of it to her. Even if I did have only months to live or my wife passed away, I highly doubt that I would have offered that info to her. If it came up in conversation, maybe.
Point being, everyone handles there personal business differently, and everyone expects different things from their time in a strip club. It doesn't have to be viewed as "callous" either. It just means some, stripper or PL, would rather not bring personal issues into the club.
Furthermore, where does one draw the line with empathy? Should nicespice give the guy a 4 hour free VIP for his last club visit? Maybe a set of 3 dances for free? Or just 1? She's already drawn her own line at extras, but why not a private OTC but no extras?
My point to all this is that there's a grey area here. And a lot of variables. And every stripper-regular relationship is different.
So you can't even suck right? Why am I totally un-surprised.
____________
...and if you notice, her 85-yr-old client happens to be dying of liver cancer. Is @Spice capable of fabricating a story like this to get attention? Who knows? And in the eternal manifolds of time and space, who cares.
I hope @Spice will be there when I'm nearing the end. Because I'll also want one finally tearful rendezvous with a thoughtful and empathetic stripper who poses as a shit-truck driver on a stripper site.
One thing to think about is what you would do if he pushed for more. He sounds like a nice guy and you said he isn’t into “more”, but he is going though something major. I’m far from the end in terms of age and I mostly like strip clubs for a lark and to see some titties. I don’t want anything more and in that sense I guess I’m like this guy. But if my SO was away in a living facility and I had <6 months to live I might think “what the hell…I want some dick sucking and pussy”. Would you feel bad if he ultimately pressured you for more?
https://www.amazon.com/Bottom-Feeders-Fr…
Anyone with any interest in strip clubs has got to read this. It tells you how the ideas had been very different, pre-Deja Vu
These regulars, yes they are RILs and they are pathetic. But the girls do respect them. Usually they are forking over a lot of their pre-tax paycheck.
They don't want much mileage or OTC. If they started getting mileage or OTC, pretty soon they would have a sexual relationship. And this is what they really do not want.
So mostly they want to be listened to.
The girls like them because they make the job easier. They explain that when they look out at the crowd and they see these familiar faces, it relaxes them.
But they know that if they let a RIL become a boyfriend, then in the vast majority of cases that relationship will eventually crater. And then after that, he will never go back to being a RIL for her. They learn that RILs are more valuable than BFs.
And then life as it is, often the RIL arrangement will get broken by outside circumstances. It never was a primary relationship for either party.
There is much in videos about the licensed prostitution in Australia, and the women being asked to do "emotional work". Usually they do do it, but they want the same money that they get for sex work.
There was a guy who would always come to Viet Coffee and want a girl to sit with him and just listen. He was well known. So usually a girl would be appointed to do that, and she just listens. And this guy pays well, and that money does not get divided up with the other tips.
People have written about at the L.A. Hostess Dancing clubs, guys who want to sit across a table with a girl, like they are on a dinner date. So he has a regular girl for this. Other people laugh, but the guys pay well.
This is just how our world is.
One place where all of this will change is in the organization which I am working to build.
SJG
I think he's honest. But the way he's saying things and laying all that on nicespice it's obvious he wants her attention. Maybe he wants a last fling before he dies or is just making peace telling people what they mean to him
https://tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=5991…
Hey dumbasses. These are two threads by doctorevil when he was one of the first TUSCLers to meet her at a club. These are the threads that prompted me to see her in real life. Not to mention she used to post her schedule in her profile.
Like I said, get a clue, dumbasses.
For the benefit of TUSCL, I took this picture of her. It was while I was giving her a massage before dances at the Sunset Strip in Portland. It was around Halloween so she wore a unicorn outfit. I remember that visit very well. 🥰🦄
Like I said, get a clue, dumbasses.
But you dumbasses don't have such a check to verify who yourselves are. Yet you accuse her of being fake. 🤭
Like I said, get a clue, dumbasses.
/s
And nicespice is behind much drama on here. She gets off on it. These idiots are easy for her to manipulate coz it's the only free contact they have with a girl.
I, verified member, gentle Steph have met Nicespice also. She actually exists, a nice person in my opinion, definitely a girl.
I understand your having a mean persona is a defense mechanism to help ease the pain in your life. Maybe, just maybe, you could take a real look and see it's not working so good for you. And maybe, just maybe try a bit of kindness, not necessarily to others yet, but toward yourself. As a start.
Best to you, sir. There is the potential for good in all of us. Have a great day.
I hope I have someone in my life like you when my time is near!!!!!!!!
Just keep communication open and stay within your comfort zone when it comes to how much you're willing to be there.
Like I said, get a clue, dumbasses.
https://www.amazon.com/Ride-Tiger-Surviv…
We have to develop a higher level of consciousness before The Singularity comes:
https://tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=7680…
SJG
^^^ @georg don't just end with me then, if I remember correctly several TUSCLers have posted their own independent accounts of meeting her. Off the top of my head and besides doctorevil and myself, I believe others have been Nidan111, heaving, and gSteph. I think there are more but I remember posts by them on meeting her too.
But dumbassscrub and IceyDodo don't pay enough attention to this. It goes along with them being dumbasses. 🤷
SJG
Taylor Swift
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXctLxNU…
SJG
Taylor Swift - Shake It Off
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h…
SJG
But I have been in situations in San Francisco where a sidewalk makeout session would have worked great!
SJG
As stated, you sound like a guy that only fantasizes about going to strip clubs. 🤷
SJG
6 days a week.
Year after year.
If would say that you sound ready for a drug overdose, were it not for the fact that you are a zombie already.
SJG
6 days a week.
Year after year.
SJG
6 days a week.
Year after year.
She would be pissed.
SJG
6 days a week.
Year after year.
@gSteph I remember you two had tacos OTC or something like that. And I agree, she's as nice as she looks and the fist half of her name. Hopefully someday you'll be honored with seeing her at a local club. Then you'll experience the spice part of her. 😁
Your "credibility" is the entertainment value of a low grade insult jock, hence why you're ignored more than board luminaries SJG and Icey.
https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Lurkers_Sup…
It's actually not surprising how many TUSCL users run to online "arguments" that lost credibility over 20 years ago.
LMFAO no homo.
^^^ @dumbassscrub is this your story about "handling" bad news?
Great post!
LMFAO no homo.
Do his children, other loved ones or his wife know that you even exist? I doubt it. An old man on his death bed exchanging texts with an attractive stripper, who may be young enough to be his granddaughter, is a lawsuit waiting to happen should he by chance change is will and leave you some money. Of course the meeting for coffee, if it should take place, was his idea and that decision (like the decision to leave you some money) was not at all influenced by you. You'll have a lot of explaining to do before the judge when the will is contested.
He was a customer; nothing more. No more texts.
2. Even on the off-chance there was some type of surprise inheritance intention…pretty sure that would involve putting down my full legal name somewhere.
3. How would I be contacted anyways? My VOIP phone number?
Anyways, I said the coffee thing as a response to a hypothetical question from somewhere earlier on this thread. I doubted that would seriously happen ever anyways.
I was being serious that a “merry Christmas” text would be just that. Just taking like 2 seconds to type a friendly message and that’s it. Wasn’t even going to try to ask to come to the club.
I’m all ears for hearing feedback on anything ethics wise, or anything similar to that. But I’m just not convinced there is anything legally anyone can come after me for. 🤔
When Anna Nicole Smith married her billionaire husband, I think he was already bedridden. As I remember, the only "sex" they had was her getting topless and waiving her boobs back and forth for him.
My ATF accepted an invitation from one of her regulars to a family dinner with his adult children. She said they were very friendly to her. His $ ran out, so she let him give her rides to the club, so he could at least spend some time with her. She kept badgering me that she wanted to give me something for X-mas, so finally I said I would like to met her daughter. I was pretty surprised that she left me to watch her while she went out to the store. We played catch with her balloon ball, and then she spent twenty minutes or so whacking my ATF's practice stripper pole with a spatula (fun times).
@ns I think dancers like you are highly ethical. You stay positive, even though so many customers, dancers and club staff want to make stripping into something toxic and ugly. Memories of times with you will be a comfort to your regular as he faces death. I've had several close family members die after long illnesses, so I know what I'm talking about. People die like they lived, well or otherwise. You helped him to live well. I think you should just text him once or twice a month, ask how he's doing. I doubt very much he'd want you to do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable.
I have been fortunate to have met a fair number of dancers with a high level of compassion. And not just towards those who spend a lot of money.