Happily married me, how do you deal

24 comments

• whodey

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  4 years ago

  Best advice is be honest with her about your desires. She may want the same thing or at least be open to allowing you to explore your sexual needs as long as you aren't hiding it from her. I honestly can't wrap my head around someone who claims to be "very happily married" while lying to their spouse and hiding the fact that they are having a sexual relationship with other people.
• mark94

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  4 years ago

  “ I would do anything for her”, except give up blowjobs from strange, diseased women. I guess that’s too much to ask. Your post reminds me of a boss I had who would publicly brag about how much he loved, loved, loved his wife. Every time I went on an out of town business trip with him, he spent his evenings chasing the skankiest whores he could find.
• shadowcat

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  4 years ago

  Just remind your wife that Hillary Clinton didn't mind!
• TheElmerFudd

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  4 years ago

  I can understand that the brow can all be true because we humans are complicated and often conflicted: 1. You love your wife 2. You have a strong desire to have sexual relationship with other women 3. You are willing to lie to your wife, and put her and your marriage at some risk, in order to have sex with others. This is who you are now. My advice is to either accept it and be at peace with it, or don’t accept it and change it. If you keep doing what you are doing and hate yourself for it, that’s going to put you in a really bad place.
• FishHawk

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  4 years ago

  Fuds99. That’s pretty good advice.
• JamesSD

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  4 years ago

  BBBJ is pretty low risk for the receiver. I think most married men at some point are unhappy with their sex life even if they are otherwise content. Either you negotiate some form of nonmonogamy or find a safety valve.
• herbtcat

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  4 years ago

  Not married and this is why. (Well TBH, there are probably many other reasons why... :p) \ But if you can't live up to your commitment to be monogamous, then perhaps you should consider either telling her and risk that she may not accept your decisions and leave you, or pull the trigger yourself and break it off now. As I see it, your real question is not "how do I cheat?" You already know how to do this since you've already splooged in a number of mouths. You question might be "why am I married if I cannot adhere to my agreement with my wife?"
• DeclineToState

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  4 years ago

  OP: ->"I would consider myself very happily married." ->"I occasionally give in and hit the clubs for companionship and bbbjs when I have an opportunity to be away for the night . . . the fear of giving my wife an STD." Others: ->"Best advice is be honest with her about your desires." ->"You are willing to lie to your wife, and put her and your marriage at some risk, in order to have sex with others . . . This is who you are now." ->"I think most married men at some point are unhappy with their sex life even if they are otherwise content. Either you negotiate some form of nonmonogamy or find a safety valve." Degrees of marital happiness is a subjective sliding scale and I won't pretend to know yours or presume to judge it. Me personally, my SC'ing was occasional and with pals when we were in away in an area that had clubs, and my targeted pursuit and high frequency commenced 3+ years ago and corresponded with less than happy period in my SO relationship of 20+ years. The SO sex is fine and available, but the side effect of being with youthful dancers at clubs has been I'm less interested in SO sex at home even though the relationship is now in a happier place. My SO relationship would be 100% over if she were to discover my extracurricular activities or be honest about clubbing desires (regardless of whether just looking, getting dances, or extras). I don't want that, but yet I run those calculated risks - and to rob a term from JamesSD and his "safety valve", these are mine: covered only nothing BB not even BBBJ, primarily when she's out of town or I am, and in the unusual occasion when she's in town and I go then it's cautious as possible with change of clothes before I get home, plausible explanation for where I've been, and no dancer texts on my phone. You say your marriage would be "ruined," and not sure if the ruination refers to getting caught versus being honest with your desires or both. If the ruin means divorce and you don't want that then make your decision to either cease or to run the risk as cautiously as you can in effort to avoid the ruin.
• skibum609

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  4 years ago

  We wrote our own wedding vows; I have been to over 200 weddings and as a divorce lawyer I am familiar with the vows; except the one that requires monogamy. Marriage is more than sex. People who base their marriage on sex, get divorced. My advice is simple: Be honest. Its not the sex that fucks up marriages; its the lying and getting played. Try swinging. Let her have a boyfriend or girlfriend. A myriad of options. I like clubbing a lot, having been 3 times in the last nine days, and thats because the last time I had great sex with my wife was, well last night, but thats not the point .......
• Mate27

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  4 years ago

  There days I want a divorce (few) but I’d say 95% are blissfully happy. The guilt you write of is normal, and even I share your sentiment when I go clubbing, so I get it. In my case I don’t allow exchange of bodily fluids, strictly lap dances and hand roaming. I see your conflicted, but I’ve compromised and rationalized this hobby to allow myself a little fun. Not sure if you need to do the same, either rationalize what you’re doing or set tighter boundaries on yourself so you won’t feel so guilty about it. Bottom line is I couldn’t keep going to the clubs if the guilt hit me as hard as it does you.
• NSFlex

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  4 years ago

  I agree with what skibum is saying. Love and sex are completely different and honesty is 100% the best route. However, it sounds like you're stressing more about the whole getting-caught-by-STD thing than anything else. If you're going to stay in the shadows (which, let's be honest, is the probability here) toss a cover on it, lose some feeling, and wake up less guilty. And try being honest on this forum, it'll help. If there was zero risk of an STD you probably wouldn't feel guilty or like a piece of garbage. It's ok to say that.
• rickdugan

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  4 years ago

  Ask your father how he managed it.
• gSteph

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  4 years ago

  Well-spoken DeclineToState. OP, I understand guilt, and the difficulty of bearing it. I felt a lot of it, after my 1st lap dance (well, 2nd LD, sat on my hands the 1st one, totally did not the 2nd one). It felt so good, so close, it must be cheating. I thought if I didn’t ever go again . . . But, I couldn’t not go again. So, I finally talked about it with wife, and she said she’s ok with it (not that this was a short or easy discussion), as long as it was ‘not all the time’, certain limits, etc. I have no idea if similar process could work for you, but for us, - the talking about who you really are, and each accepting such, I think, has helped our marriage. But, I go for the ‘foreplay’ of a lap dance, not a bbbj, that’s a step farther. No advice, except to list what I think your choices are. Only you can decide on the pros and cons, and make a choice. And what do you want, besides a cessation of guilt, where would you like to be? Come clean with wife that you visit strip clubs, and you can’t imagine giving that up. Discuss and compromise. Tell her everything. Thank your lucky streak so far, and put a cover on it. Retreat to standard lap dances. Ride that guilt to a medical problem, or at least bad sleep. End up divorced, with more ‘freedom’. I’m glad the 1st one worked for me.
• Jascoi

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  4 years ago

  Looking back I see skibums idea is the best overall. I wish I thought like that decades ago and even when I first separated from my wife almost 10 years ago .
• wallanon

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  4 years ago

  "No matter much or how good I get it from her, it will never be enough. I have an uncontrollable desire to to get pleasure from other women." If you're not satisfied, then I'm not sure how the "happy" part fits in with that. There's movies where I like certain parts but can't sit through their entire run time. If you think you're happy, then it's not for the peanut gallery at TUSCL to talk you out of it. But you should ask yourself if you'd still be happy if you suddenly couldn't get your rocks off in the provider throat of choice.
• skibum609

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  4 years ago

  How to know when you married the right woman: She is your best friend, to whom you are sexually attracted. The rest is negotiable.
• Longball300

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  4 years ago

  There'll be times When my crimes Will seem almost unforgivable I give in to sin Because you have to make this life livable
• WavvyCain

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  4 years ago

  Join a swingers club
• SaltyNuts

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  4 years ago

  I just say to self, "self, you're an asshole", compartmentalize it and then have some fun. If spouse ever finds out, I'm screwed and not like I fantasize.
• georgebailey

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  4 years ago

  I wouldn't post personal shit on a website with strangers I've never met, even if we share some of the same experiences and opinions and want to help out when there's a need. I like you people but I've only met two or three in person, and I have no idea who reads our work of fiction. I'd like to think you appreciate my respect for your anonymity.
• georgmicrodong

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  4 years ago

  Thank the gods that I don't have this problem. :) If you don't think your wife will be accepting of your choices, then I'm afraid your choices are limited. Either keep cheating on her, or leave. If you're reasonably certain she won't divorce you at the mere mention, then take her to a club and see if she likes it. Maybe even see if you can get a dancer to eat her out. :)
• CJKent (Banned)

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  4 years ago

  “It is not to be forgotten that what we call rational grounds for our beliefs are often extremely irrational attempts to justify our instincts.
• Sgrayeff

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  4 years ago

  What's the quote? Wife. Children. A house. The full catastrophe. Marriage (relationships?) can be complicated. Usually are complicated. You can love somebody. You love what you have. And yet you can still be incompatible in certain ways. I know couples who are compatible in bed yet can't share a favorite meal. Is that reason to divorce? They surely don't think so. A perfect sexual union is rare. Strong sexual preferences and drive aren't. So we compromise - on the preferences or the drive - or on the perfect union. What's important is less the compromise than our comfort in our choices. That's my advice. Whether it's a diminished sex life or diminished fidelity, choose to be comfortable in whatever you decide and all that implies. Either way, don't heed the advice to confess. Your desire to unburden yourself will only hurt her. Confession won't get you back to even or normal. On the contrary, it will reset the terms in entirely negative ways. What's the quote? The "fidelity bank and trust" is an unforgiving creditor. And for the record, I am in league with the OP. The girls are my requirement and my risk. Getting what I need requires that I be smart in my own imperfections.
• Ldkmike659

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  4 years ago

  Hey op, don’t be stupid and do stop getting bb service of any kind. If you want bb, get an otc oiled tf or hj. Trust me, the social complications of getting a sti is bad enough and in your case it comes with the potential to lose your marriage. Secondly, don’t feel guilty about having polyamorous tendencies (so long as you’re not giving her a disease or go bankrupt). Legacies of better and more accomplished men than any on this website have had a side piece; no reason that a person of less impact on society can’t also enjoy having side pieces. Thirdly, don’t ever admit anything to your wife. If you feel the need to dig into why you have polyamorous tendencies make sure you do therapy over telehealth or go several towns over. Otherwise just try to chill out with all your guilt. You’re not hurting anyone, and at worst shaming her into being cuckolded (like if you get caught giving her a sti). Be smart, be safe.