Dating Strippers from a club
JimOsterberg
New York
Monday, April 30, 2018 10:09 AM
I have a buddy who's living the dream -- dating an actually hot, clean, sane, educated stripper from one of the higher end clubs in his area. It is quite a thing to see. Huge ego boost. It seems so far to be a very balanced, two-way relationship. It has literally changed his life. Nothing lasts for ever and these things rarely end well. I am out of my element on advice for him other than that obvious. Anyone with direct experience in this?
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90 comments
Nightmares are dreams.
I hope things go well for your friend.
Most relationships don’t end well. Relationships with strippers usually end horribly...
That already includes two other dancers being in touch on totally civilian, not SC matters. He is experiencing something I have experienced as well but never capitalized on anywhere close to how has he -- these younger (early/mid 20s) strippers when they have their shit together do not want to deal with their own peer group and would rather spend their down time with someone older (mid 40s in his and my case) who also has their shit together, and obviously someone who has $$. But he is not getting hit up for the sugar daddy thing. Other than paying for dinner, drinks, and basic travel (a night at a B&B etc) he is not paying for anything out of the norm of any other casual dating. Since he's no longer paying for VIP at the club, he's probably about breakeven overall. Plus so far it seems like a pretty decent relationship. Some crazy stories for sure, but mostly mundane girlfriend stuff (just with a ridiculously hot girl who under other circumstances we are both abundantly clear would be entirely out of his league)
Shameful, is what it is. Downright shameful.
Upright, yeah looking for any horror or success stories from firsthand experience. Obviously, everyone's circumstances are different. I am usually a go-to guy for advice on these things, but my otherwise mild-mannered bro has completely trumped me on this. My advice is little more than commonsense, which he already has. Right now he has a realistic view of it. At this moment, it is perfect and just a lot of fun. I do see that inevitably changing: jealously; one of them one wanting to bail before the other does; there must be a hundred reasons why this doesn't work as a normal relationship. So I am curious to hear from anyone who has lived through it himself. Or if there are strippers on here who want to share their perspective, that would be huge and greatly appreciated. Otherwise, I get that this isn't so exciting a topic, other than the inevitability of this blowing up at some point.
I think that for the most part, strippers are strippers because they crave an excessive amount of validation. The better man you are, the more meaningful any sign of validation from you will be. Maybe she will surprise you with unexpected kindness when she senses she can help, even.
If this is true, then the obvious advice is obvious: Enjoy it while you can, but prepare for it to fall apart spectacularly.
Alternatively,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytH7SLzn…
"Geez, what’s with all the hate? She accepted a gift. Unless the PL attached strings to it before giving it to her, and she cut those strings, I don’t see a problem. “Thanks dude!” is perfectly acceptable and appropriate."
I've commented on here before I met a girl before she was a stripper. The relationship had enough of a strain that we broke off for about five months ( this is a couple of years ago) and during that time some of her friends convinced her to become a stripper since she was broke.
I was surprised when she called me after a five month separation-- I had heard from her once ( text) during the break and it wasn't good.
She spent the better part of two days convincing me that 1) she knew the problems were hers 2) although she was a "dancer" that nothing was going on besides dancing period.
There were good times, great times, but the bad times were very bad. It ended five months ago, this time for good.
If you are on the up and up the big red flag I see in your comments is that they are dating and he is going to the club she works in--on that alone I almost call BS....but.......if you are straight I will tell you it is going to lead to a problem and it is going to be ugly when it happens. I never, repeat never, went into the club she worked. I still don't go there although she is long gone and somewhere on the West Coast ( probably dancing) And just to be clear it had more to do with messing with her head than my becoming jealous. It also had to do with what you are describing is going on with him now--- other dancers taking a run at me--according to her it wasn't an if but a when if I showed up at the club.
What broke us up is simple. She couldn't be honest with me and as the little lies piled up I trusted her less and less. Eventually she did something that I couldn't tolerate and I ended it. Now to be fair we had our problems before she started dancing but the dancing only made those problems worse and there was always some level of drama with her.
Is that a compliment I'm sensing or is it wishful thinking?
This happened to me one time, too. I wish I had read the Little Prince before I met her
“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”
Ok, maybe it was more than one time, I just happened to be thinking about that one time just then.
My advice to him, enjoy the relationship as much as you can an keep it the same as long as you can, it won't last for ever.
Her needs and wants will change, and if he is not be able to adjust, will end.
More than anything don't develop "feelings" for her other than friends with benefits, unless he wants his marriage to end.
Good luck to you and your friend.
Please keep us informed about the relationship.
Although not as civilized I'll point you in the direction of Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf Islam.......and later redone by Rod Stewart and Sheryl Crow........The first cut is the deepest.
The best thing to do is to speak up if he gets into a bad situation - so he doesn’t get into trouble. He might refuse to listen anyway, but that’s his choice.
Don’t get too close to the dancer. The last thing you want is to lose your friend due to any jealousy over his stripper girlfriend.
I think you said it best - as you are staying clear of the blast zone. Stay far away - as the fallout can clear a very wide area.
Maybe, but from the sound of it, some are seeking.
> The first cut is the deepest.
I heard one time about a stripper who cut a bitch. Devils speak in the way in which she'll manifest. Angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress.
I now know the depths I reach are limitless. Oh, my beautiful liar, oh my precious whore.
I am so impure.
If she didn't meet him at the club then a "bit-better" chance it's not just b/c of $$$ but strippers hooking up with custies often/usually comes down to $$$ whether she asks directly or "indirectly" (i.e. "emergencie$" start popping up that she asks the guy for help for or at least she brings up her woe$) - this is often the M.O.
Can a dancer and custy have a "legit" relationship, I suppose, i.e. they have to date someone, but given the age difference it's usually about $$$ and her not having the hots for him - but I assume in some instances a dancer might like dating an older guy b/c he can provide her a certain lifestyle (dinners in nice restaurants, trips, staying in nice hotels, etc).
Girls in their early/mid twenties like to party. Strippers like to party. Stippers in their early/mid twenties are definitely going to party hard (their is no down time)
My advice is to tell you're friend to watch his stuff. Never get comfortable. Ya daddy issues exists, but that means dating a few abusive assholes, rampant sex and drugs, then when she's about 29, trying to get off the cock carousel and finding a sucker to marry them. Not going to happen in the early twenties to mid twenties.
I did with him once, and I know he has more than once. She texts him and invites him to come in to see her, but he sees her more outside of the club (especially now, and this is something that going on right about 90 days.) He or I or anyone we know, would almost certainly have never met her if not at the club. Our professional and social paths would not cross, and there is not an insignificant amount geography between where we each live, where the club is located, where she lives (even further) or where her family is (much further)
But based on my one experience, I would say that should not be repeated. This was early into the relationship -- they'd already scene each other outside the club a few times (with overnights) and he had already been back to the club a couple of times since they first met (which was at the club). The way they met was this -- lapdance and then chatting, and more chatting for a long time, and they swapped numbers. She responded first (via txt naturally) and after a lot of texting back and forth they met outside the club.
But here's why I would agree with you 100% that he should *NOT* go into the club. She gave him obvious special treatment and had another dancer do the same. To the point he has a two-on-one LD with everyone's jaw dropping in the club. He looks like a typical "yuppie" (yeah no one says that anymore) not any kind of playa or Russian oligarch. I had special treatment too but nothing like that, and I paid (I don't know to be honest and haven't asked, I know he hasn't paid for a lot but not sure what he paid for that night considering another dancer was involved.)
That was an awesome fantasy scenario for a couple of middle-aged dudes with a lot less swagger than would usually command that. And while I would love to have that every Friday night, I think I should consider it once and done as it was getting a bit weird with girls being catty and I just felt like a hammer would drop.
Plus, she didn't work that night while we were there. Except for the two-on-one there was nothing unusual about our presence. It would be just like a couple of regular seeing their ATF. And as I right this, I am sure he at least paid the friend. But again I think he and I both should just consider it lucky we had a good time and leave it at that.
Warrenboy that is all great advice. Thanks! I will give him my unsolicited advice to stay the hell out of the club -- and to be straight with her that he needs to see her outside of the club if they're going to see each other. That addresses a number of potential issues. The need for validation and attention as primary driver for that lifestyle... shit yeah are you ever right on that!
I have seen it happen. She was a little nerdy and a total sweetheart.
People get jobs because of money. What steers them to being a stripper or working at Enterprise, though? It's not the 1990s anymore.
It's better to have loved and have lost than to have never loved at all.
Your challenge is to make sure she knows she was actually loved even after you have lost.
Yeah I hear that too. My buddy is barely keeping up. BUT you might be surprised that there is down time. Not the kind that I require but he's been doing normal stuff more often. Clearly though, at what it is, it is not a sustainable pace any more than it's a long-term scenario. He just needs an exit strategy. And not just to pivot to another dancer (as I think about it, at the pace he's seeing other interest, that is even worse! He needs an offramp)
Middle aged men can convince themselves of pretty much anything if there's a hot young girl in the equation. I think the strip club industry would cave in on itself if it were any other way.
Thanks!
How old is he? 21?
And is she a bit older than him?
Just trying to get a better understanding of the dynamic at play here.
20 years older, then she's not sane. She's got emotional issues. Not to say that she's completely self-destructive and off her rocker, but something not "sane" about her.
That said if I'm your friend I'd enjoy the ride while it last. Some people occasionally hit the jackpot in Vegas....But easy come easy go.
He shouldn't get too invested cuz this chick is gonna ghost him eventually.
Thank me later (or your friend lol)
Also, let me be clear that I am am NOT stating he gets free VIP. What I did say is that I am almost certain he paid the other girl, and that he is not going down there for freebies and I don't know what he is doing behind the scenes (frankly it was a little weird to ask if he way paying her at the club.)
Again, the club part of this is almost incidental. He does not see her often at the club (we're talking a just a few months since the first met, and he's see her at most maybe 3 times at the club plus the time we both went, and he has otherwise seen her dozens of times outside of the club.)
They don't exactly go to the movies or other couples' houses for dinner, but generally it is a like a normal casual dating arrangement. As I wrote
Yeah I get the skepticism. It sounds like bullshit. If he just told me and I didn't see it firsthand, I'd think maybe he's lost it and was bullshitting *me* but I met her and then saw her so then saw her again outside the club. So whatever is going on, it's with her.
This is not some derp who thinks some stripper is his girlfriend because she's nice to him and shakes him down in or outside the club. This is a guy who is pretty fucking smart, and very street smart. He's got his shit together, she's got her shit together, I've got my shit together. We're reasonably sophisticated people as far as stripper and a couple of mongerers go. Let's not waste any more time on that.
And Papi, and others, I get that this could be play-for-pay and I am just not seeing the pay. I just don't think so. I really don't. But that's just me thinking what I think so let's not waste anymore time on that either.
Also, to be clear, at this point I have described the situation sufficiently that anyone who works there and reads this site (which I guarantee there is somebody) they could put it together on who this is (I know there is a fuckload of gossip in the club -- but I maybe overestimating this significance of these circumstances.) But either way I am NOT saying there is a guy getting free VIP or girls breaking house rules. I don't know shit about that, but I do know that this dancer is very legit and honest in everything I've seen and I can only imagine she follows the rules.
If he's paying her for VIP-time then he's a custy not someone she's dating - a dancer will not call the guy she dates to come do VIP w/ her at the club - I think this guy is confused and kinda giddy about the whole-thing and not really seeing things for what they are, IMO.
Dude, again in 3 months since meeting her he's done the VIP thing maybe once. What I am saying is if anyone were to read this from the club and the divined who I am talking about, I am not bragging about someone get treatment from a dancer outside of club rules.
Otherwise, yeah obviously. If his interaction with the chick is to go see her in the VIP room, and he calls her his girlfriend, then yeah that guy is a best really missing the point. But 1) I never said that he called her his girlfriend, he never called her anything; and 2) he is seeing her outside the club far more than inside the club.
We went to see her in the club after meeting IRL because that is kinda of an obvious thing to do. (yeah I get that it is also fraught with landmines. That's good advice) but other than that it is interaction outside of the club.
Do I know he's fucking her? I know he texted me a picture of her wearing nothing but his shirt, standing bare-ass at the balcony of his condo the morning after we met. Do I know he isn't paying her? No. But I serious do not believe he is or that she otherwise does OTC or escorting. She actually has some real shit going on, and as corny as this sounds, I don't see her doing anything illegal that would jeopardize that.
And she could be an UTR type but I just don't see that. I am in 80% confident she's just a dancer at a fairly high-end club that is more about pizzazz than mileage and happens to have it is off with somebody she has something in common with. But time will tell.
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SJG
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Crises of Capitalism, David Harvey
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Wendy Brown: How Neoliberalism Threatens Democracy
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SJG