Is it wrong to frequent SC's if you're involved in a relationship?

34 comments

• FONDL

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  18 years ago

  The lucky guys find a girl who is willing to accept them for who they are, rather than who they want them to become. But that's rare, it's usually the women who change. Case in point - when we were dating my wife gave me a subscription to Playboy, now she gets pissed if I look at one. She says they've changed. Maybe that's true but so has she. Something I once read that I've posted before but I think it's worth posting again: when a man and woman get married, she hopes he'll change and he hopes she never will; they're usually both disappointed. I think that's one of the saddest things I've ever read, mainly because it's so true. Right Chitown? I think if I ever really underwent psychotherapy with a really insightful therapist, he'd conclude that the reason I go to strip clubs is that I'm looking for the girl my wife used to be. And I never would have posted that without a few drinks in my belly.
• ShotDisc

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  18 years ago

  i consider SC my hobby also. Luckily I travel a great deal for work and have the opportunity to practice my hobby out of town. was caught once, a long time ago. it wasn't pretty. that is why I never go at home and when on the road, I am a day shift guy only. Spend extra time making sure I go home with no tell tale evidence. Money isn't an issue, since I am able to provide my own cash for my trips
• easyed14

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  18 years ago

  Well, problem resolved. As soon as she can find her own place, she's moving out. After having given up my weekly Friday night poker game and cutting my Sunday golf outings in half to twice per month, I basically told her I had given up all I was willing to give up. After all the other things I had given up for her and now being asked to give something else up, I just couldn't do it. I could have lied to her and visited the club without telling her but it just seemed like too much trouble to conceal and I would have felt guilty. I was hoping should could accept it because I am, who I am. On the plus side, I have my Friday night poker games back and the freedom to go look at naked women anytime I chose!
• AbbieNormal

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  18 years ago

  Ed, I'm either sad or glad for you, whichever you prefer, but in either case you took the proper way out (IMHO) and made a choice rather than just lying and hoping not to get caught. That of course is easy for me to say, but as I and others have said, make your choice and decide what you are willing to lose (either your independence or your relationship) whichever way you go.
• chandler

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  18 years ago

  A lot of bottom lines statements thrown down here. Mine goes like this: Whether you have a wife or girlfriend or you're single, if you're not feeling conflicted in some way about your strip club habit, then you're not having enough fun.
• Yoda

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  18 years ago

  I think we are talking about two different issues here. Is it wrong? The answer to that is between the people involved and every case will be different. Should you keep going? I defer to T-bones logic. If you've got the itch, you gotta scratch it. We all get up in the morning and look in the mirror. If you are honest with yourself and truly happy with the person looking back you don't owe anyone else-including a spouse or SO-an explanation .
• T-Bone

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  18 years ago

  JC - I don't battle this issue. But if I did, I doubt my SO would support my dick getting sucked by strippers, etc. I'm only pointing out the inevitable. Keep on going incognito, or get dumped and keep on going. Whatever. But nobody here is gonna convice me that they'll give it up. No way. You wouldn't be here otherwise. So you might as well embrace it and deal with it. And for the record, honor has no place in a strip club, nor on SC websites....better reality check yourself on that my man. You're a pig the minute you walk in the door.
• JC2003

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  18 years ago

  He could tell her the truth, and she could leave him... or maybe decide that he's worth staying around for, even with his strip club habit. That would be the honorable thing to do, but, no, fuck honesty and all that "relationship" bullshit, right, T-Bone? No wonder strippers have no respect for married men.
• T-Bone

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  18 years ago

  Fuck that. Keep on going.
• JC2003

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  18 years ago

  It wouldn't be wrong if both of you are comfortable with you going to strip clubs. In your case, however, she is uncomfortable with it, so, yes, it is wrong. You need to ask yourself what is more important: your strip club habit or her? You need to be honest with yourself about this, because the answer may very well be your strip club habit, despite the three years you have spent with her in a relationship. But if the answer is her, then you need to stop going.
• FONDL

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  18 years ago

  Easyed, the answer to this question is different for each of us. If it makes you uncomfortable, for you it's probably wrong. Personally I think there's a big difference between going to a high contact place to get extras vs. going to another place where you know the contact is pretty low.
• DandyDan

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  18 years ago

  It all depends on your SO's attitude about SC's. But I will say I broke up with one of my ex-girlfriends because she didn't like the fact I went to them. That wasn't the sole reason, but she would get all upset because of that more than anything.
• lopaw

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  18 years ago

  My SO knows, but is not thrilled with it. I won't outright lie about how often I go, but I won't volunteer the info, either. I think that as long as don't blow the mortgage money & I come home every night, she won't complain too much. She's actually fairly tolerant about this topic. Whatta gal. I've always suspected that she's too good for the likes of me.
• parodyman-->

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  18 years ago

  This is easy for me. Before we were married I told my wife that I go on occasion to strip clubs. She is cool with it. In fact she has been known to join me every once and a while.
• davids

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  18 years ago

  T-Bone: "either lie and continue or "hide it" and continue" Lots of backbone, honesy and integrity there T-Bone. Why not just get some balls and lay down the law? Are you scared to be w/o a woman? Fucking pussy.
• Yoda

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  18 years ago

  "Bottom line: going to SC's is not wrong, women may not understand it, but we'll find a way to go anyway." Truth.
• T-Bone

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  18 years ago

  Regarding this issue, here's the deal as I see it... 1. If you're a SC man, you're not gonna change. Ever. If you're a TUSCL subscriber, fucking forget it. 2. In a monogomous relationship, most women will not fully accept it (if at all). Some do, but it's rare. Most will accept the occasional "bachelor party" type activity, but not habitual clubbing. 3. If you're with a woman who doesn't except it, you have two choices: either lie and continue or "hide it" and continue. Not going is rediculous, and moreover, it's not realtistic. You're gonna find a way to go anyway, so just accept it. Bottom line: going to SC's is not wrong, women may not understand it, but we'll find a way to go anyway.
• GooberMan

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  18 years ago

  No, it is not wrong unless you promised your lover that you would not do it and lie to keep the relationship. If she demands that you not go, you need to make a value judgment about whether you value the pleasure of the relationship or the pleasure of the strip club more. Sometimes it pays to dump the relationship and retain your social freedom. Such a woman may have security issues that could strangle you in other ways over the long haul.
• FONDL

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  18 years ago

  This hits close to home for me. My wife has known about my occasional clubbing almost from the beginning, and while she might have preferred that I not do it, for a long time it wasn't any big deal. In fact she and my ATF have become good friends. But in the last 10 years or so she has become increasingly rigid, and things that were once OK aren't anymore. Maybe that happens to a lot of people as they get older but it hasn't to me. The way I would handle it (and have handled it) is via very delicate negotiation. If you're going to give up something that you really enjoy for her, I think you have a right to expect her to do something similar for you in return. If she's doing something you don't like (eg. watching too much TV or spending too much time with some friends who you don't especially care for), ask her to stop. But ask very carefully. One of the reasons I've been able to carry on a friendship with my ATF for so long is because my wife has some friends who she knows I don't much care for, and she knows that if she demands that I give up a close friend, I will demand the same from her. And so she tolerated my ATF and now that she knows her is very OK with it. But I better not find another one, I've reached my limit. So if you're happy with the relationship and want it to continue, give up clubbing. But insist on something in return or she'll be wearing the pants forever.
• Yoda

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  18 years ago

  If men in relationships didn't go to strip clubs their wouldn't be any strip clubs.
• AbbieNormal

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  18 years ago

  Yoda, true, but not dispositive.
• chitownlawyer

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  18 years ago

  I'm perfectly happy with the meal...sometimes I just wish that the server had a better disposition.
• easyed14

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  18 years ago

  I too have no problem with my meals and I've grown very fond of the chef as well. It's just that occassionally, I prefer to have my meals prepared by a different chef. I shouldn't say meals, I should say snacks. I'm perfectly fine with sampling the snacks at the Strip Club and coming home for my meal.
• AbbieNormal

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  18 years ago

  So make sure you mary a good cook with a decent repertoire.
• easyed14

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  18 years ago

  Well, truth be known, the home cooked meals don't seem quite as satisfying as they used to. I've always been the type that appreciates some variety in his meals and tend to get bored of dining at the same establishment after a period of time.
• AbbieNormal

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  18 years ago

  Chandler, the riffs on that analogy are endless. If you are a single guy "eating alone" so to speak, the buffet looks pretty damn good, and there isn't much reason not to go for the all-you-can-eat special. This discussion is about a fairly specific situation where we can assume (can we?) that good home cooked meals are available.
• chandler

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  18 years ago

  AN: My problem is that I can't be so sure that I'll restrict myself to working up an appetite. When I have to rule out dinner - regardless of whether it's available to me - clubs don't have the same allure.
• davids

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  18 years ago

  chandler: are you problems w/ marriages and LTRs due to underlying misogyny. Did women clue into this eventually?
• AbbieNormal

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  18 years ago

  Tough situation. I think once she became aware of the hobby you were probably screwed. At this point the question is which do you value more? If you aren't willing to give up clubbing for a 3 year relationship then I'd say you care for clubbing far too much, or your SO far too little. If nothing else you'll find out how important each is to you. I agree with Chitown, hiding the hobby probably isn't a feasible option. I've had SO's in the past that went either way. One was freaked that I read Playboy on occasion, not because of any moral objection, just because I liked looking at naked women other than her. Another had the best attitude I've ever run into. It is summarized as "I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you come home for dinner." If you can convince her you're just working up an appetite, but never ordering take-out you might have a chance. Once the ultimatum is laid down however I don't see much bargaining room.
• davids

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  18 years ago

  chandler: "my track record indicates that my approach to making a marriage or relationship work for any duration leaves something to be desired" Is that the real reason you frequent strip clubs? Because you free the inevitable in normal (non-paying) relationshp with women?
• chandler

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  18 years ago

  It would feel wrong to me. However, my track record indicates that my approach to making a marriage or relationship work for any duration leaves something to be desired. And I don't feel I'm in any position to pass judgment on whatever approach works for others.
• chitownlawyer

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  18 years ago

  My question to you guys is, do your wives/SO's know you go to SC's no. and are they okay with it? n/a, but if she knew, I think that thermonuclear war would be an appropriate metaphor for her response. Or, do you lie to them no and not mention anything about being at a SC? Not mentioning anything about having been to a SC is distinctly different from lying about it. I have my own business which is very time consuming, as does my wife. If, when I am gone for a couple of hours, she makes the unspoken assumption that I have been doing professionally-oriented things, I don't necessarily feel obliged to correct her. I have never lied to my wife about my whereabouts. However, my wife has better things to do than track my whereabouts 24/7. If your relationship involves each other documenting daily where the other person was for every minute of the prior day, you are probably sunk. Fortunately, my wife views her role as distinct from that of a prison warden. She also has no interest in our personal finances, which makes things easier as well. You may be screwed because you announced to this SO (Indeed, demonstrated to her) that you have an expressed interest in spending time in places that she finds reprehensible. Because of this, she may well be hyper-vigilant about how you spend your time. You may just have to console yourself that this is a lesson on how to manage the next relationship. Carl Sandburg on marriage: "Keep your eyes wide open beforehand, half-closed afterward." Truer words were never spoken.
• davids

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  18 years ago

  Hey, dude: paragraphs are not evil. Please utilize.
• FONDL

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  18 years ago

  I agree with Yoda, except that I think there's a big difference between having a girlfriend and being married. Personally I wouldn't let a GF tell me how to live my life, that sets a bad precedent. But I might be willing to give up something that wasn't very important to me if it was important to her, depending on how much I wanted a long-term future with the girl. So I think it comes down to two questions: how important is the girl to you, and how important is the SC to you. I'm betting that if you give up the SC habit you will end up finding a new habit that's just as bad or worse.