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10 Things My Children Taught Me

reverendhornibastard

Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy

1. Children spread disease more effectively than roaches, fleas and mosquitoes combined.

2. Children differentiate by gender whether you want them to or not. Neither my son nor daughter missed a single gender stereotype despite our attempts not to fetter their range of choices.

3. Not all farts are dry.

4. Sexuality begins astoundingly early. It’s subtle at first but they quickly work up a head of steam. Trying to stifle it is futile.

5. Wiping your ass isn’t instinctual. You actually have to teach your kids proper ass wiping techniques.

6. Little kids are lousy liars but as they mature they gradually polish their ability to feign sincerity convincingly.

7. You should push your kids to eat healthy foods but remember - they all have their limits. My kids drew the line at Brussels sprouts.

8. Kids worry about divorces even when there is no divorce in the offing. The parents of several of my kids’ schoolmates were going through divorces and both of my kids became paranoid. They worried that divorces are inevitable in all marriages.

9. Kids don’t handle boundaries very well. But with persistent yelling and an occasional beating they eventually get the idea. My kids have learned to recognize when mommy & daddy are busy canoodling and to respect our privacy. Our twins now stop at our closed bedroom door and holler, “Mom, when you’re finished with Daddy we’re ready for breakfast!”

10. My kids taught me to appreciate Mondays mornings when I can finally go back to work and rest.