Faced with dwindling attendance after widespread scandals over pedophile priests and the consequent cover-ups, the Holy Roman Catholic Church (NYSE ticker symbol “HRC”) has been forced to reassess its marketing strategies. After millennia of dull, gray piety and flavorless white wafers, HRC is about to begin allowing franchising in the distribution of more mouth-watering varieties of the Holy Eucharist!
Commencing next month Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts will include flavorful versions of the Holy Eucharist among their pastry selections. Holy Eucharist options will include blueberry scones, cheese blintzes, and chocolate or cherry-iced donuts (both with and without sprinkles).
Luther’s Barbecue will also soon commence serving a more palatable version of the Holy Eucharist when it debuts its delicious hickory smoked barbecue “Lamb of God” (comes with a choice of two sides - coleslaw, baked beans or potato salad). Bottled, chilled holy water will also be available (both still and sparkling).
HRC shares are up 4% in pre-market trading.
You bad, Rev....
As a recovered ex Catholic, my kind of bad. 😉