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Front Room
6 years ago
Avatar for reverendhornibastard
reverendhornibastard
Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy

Hickory-Smoked Barbecued Lamb of God

Faced with dwindling attendance after widespread scandals over pedophile priests and the consequent cover-ups, the Holy Roman Catholic Church (NYSE ticker symbol “HRC”) has been forced to reassess its marketing strategies. After millennia of dull, gray piety and flavorless white wafers, HRC is about to begin allowing franchising in the distribution of more mouth-watering varieties of the Holy Eucharist!

Commencing next month Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts will include flavorful versions of the Holy Eucharist among their pastry selections. Holy Eucharist options will include blueberry scones, cheese blintzes, and chocolate or cherry-iced donuts (both with and without sprinkles).

Luther’s Barbecue will also soon commence serving a more palatable version of the Holy Eucharist when it debuts its delicious hickory smoked barbecue “Lamb of God” (comes with a choice of two sides - coleslaw, baked beans or potato salad). Bottled, chilled holy water will also be available (both still and sparkling).

HRC shares are up 4% in pre-market trading.

comments (5)

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Avatar for gSteph
gSteph
•

You bad, Rev....

As a recovered ex Catholic, my kind of bad. 😉

Avatar for reverendhornibastard
reverendhornibastard
•

I was told that I now have a reserved parking space close to the gates of Hell.

Avatar for ATACdawg
ATACdawg
•

I dunno, rev. I'd avoid going outside in thunderstorms if I was you.... 😉

Avatar for reverendhornibastard
reverendhornibastard
•

2 lightning stories ...

When I was in my late teens, the frisbee my friend and I were tossing around ended up on the roof. I went up to get it as a thunderstorm was approaching. While on the roof I raised a fist to the sky and loudly challenged god to come and get me. My friend was horrified. Although he didn’t believe in god any more than I did, he said he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life wondering if god or Mother Nature had struck me down.

A few years later when I was a college student, lightning struck a building across the street from me. I must have got one of the side streamers. I felt a strong shock that nearly caused me to drop my umbrella. I was startled but unhurt.

For the record, I did pay extra to put properly grounded lightning rods on the high points of our current house.

Avatar for Call.Me.Ishmael
Call.Me.Ishmael
•

I wish that this were true.

It wouldn't get me to join the Catholic Church, but I wish it were true.

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