Sexual Superlatives and Omissions
reverendhornibastard
Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy
A Top Ten List
1. Most Canoodlings in a 24 Hour Period: On our first night together I nailed the woman who eventually became Mrs. Hornibastard #3 eight times. I wonder, does it count as running a train if you’re the only one but you nail your “bitch” 8 times?
2. Longest Marathon Pussy Eating: I once treated Mrs. Hornibastard #3 to a 2-hour and 45 minute intimate tongue lashing. I couldn’t pronounce “Mississippi” properly until the following day!
https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=1971
3. Most Intense Sex: This occurred in front of a roaring fireplace in a rustic but romantic, creekside cabin just north of Sedona, Arizona with (you guessed it) the woman who is now Mrs. Hornibastard #3.
4. Most Women in My Bed at the Same Time: Four Women in Buenos Aires. I remember it was crowded but I don’t remember any of their names. I only fucked three of them. The fourth one just gave me a blow job.
https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=1970
5. Best Blow Job: A sexy lady lawyer I knew in Houston whom I had just finished fucking a few minutes before gave me an awesome, long, slow blow job. I was so impressed with the blow job that, when she finished, I found it necessary to fuck her again.
6. Most Women in One Day: Four women in Jakarta while I was there on business. Unlike the experience described in #4, these women never saw each other. It was a very busy day. As I recall, I think I just stayed home alone the next day eating a lot of Cheetos in front of the TV.
7. Loudest Sex: A woman in Houston who I only dated once was by far the noisiest woman I ever got juicy with. We went to my place. It was a cool autumn night and I had the bedroom windows open. She was so noisy in bed that I found her very annoying. I also worried that my neighbors would assume I was butchering a woman in my home and would summon the police.
8. Sweatiest Canoodling: This was with Sandy (the one who got away - https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=… ) on a summer night in Houston. The air conditioning was on but I guess we just became too exuberant.
9. Sloppiest Sex: In Jakarta with Liah, my first major league squirter. At first I thought she had peed on me.
10. Largest Audience: 8 or maybe 9 people in a night club in Buenos Aires, Argentina watched me bang a night club performer. I can’t really be sure how many were watching, I was so drunk at the time. This may someday become the subject of a post dedicated to that bizarre night.
A few sexual things I’ve never done:
1. I never canoodled an underaged girl. When I was underaged myself I did try to canoodle some of my underaged girlfriends but didn’t score until we were both of legal age.
2. I never got my buddies together to run a train on anyone. I did once accidentally run over my girlfriend’s pussy (cat) with my car. She forgave me after I got her a new one.
3. I never had a threesome (or more) that involved any other men. I never wanted to and no woman ever asked me to engage in a threesome involving another man.
4. I’ve used grapes, ice cubes, cucumbers and zucchini during foreplay but never tried olives (pitted or unpitted), marshmallows, Velveeta or caramel syrup.
5. I’ve never gotten sticky with an Azeri but I’m not ruling it out.
6. I’ve always had the greatest respect for barnyard animals and have never molested any (though I did wink at a cow once but only because she winked at me first).
7. I’ve never juiced up a woman with tattoos. Although I don’t like tattoos, I am not fundamentally opposed to screwing a woman with a tattoo. I just never found it necessary to lower my standards on this point.
8. As much time as I’ve spent on airplanes this is a little surprising, but I’ve never had sex on an airplane. I’ve done some high altitude groping and been groped at cruising altitude a few times but no actual fucking.
9. Although I never had sex inside a school, I did get it on with a girlfriend in the back seat of my car in the school parking lot during lunch break.
10. To the best of my knowledge and belief, I never fucked any Mormon chicks.
1. Most Canoodlings in a 24 Hour Period: On our first night together I nailed the woman who eventually became Mrs. Hornibastard #3 eight times. I wonder, does it count as running a train if you’re the only one but you nail your “bitch” 8 times?
2. Longest Marathon Pussy Eating: I once treated Mrs. Hornibastard #3 to a 2-hour and 45 minute intimate tongue lashing. I couldn’t pronounce “Mississippi” properly until the following day!
https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=1971
3. Most Intense Sex: This occurred in front of a roaring fireplace in a rustic but romantic, creekside cabin just north of Sedona, Arizona with (you guessed it) the woman who is now Mrs. Hornibastard #3.
4. Most Women in My Bed at the Same Time: Four Women in Buenos Aires. I remember it was crowded but I don’t remember any of their names. I only fucked three of them. The fourth one just gave me a blow job.
https://www.tuscl.net/photo.php?id=1970
5. Best Blow Job: A sexy lady lawyer I knew in Houston whom I had just finished fucking a few minutes before gave me an awesome, long, slow blow job. I was so impressed with the blow job that, when she finished, I found it necessary to fuck her again.
6. Most Women in One Day: Four women in Jakarta while I was there on business. Unlike the experience described in #4, these women never saw each other. It was a very busy day. As I recall, I think I just stayed home alone the next day eating a lot of Cheetos in front of the TV.
7. Loudest Sex: A woman in Houston who I only dated once was by far the noisiest woman I ever got juicy with. We went to my place. It was a cool autumn night and I had the bedroom windows open. She was so noisy in bed that I found her very annoying. I also worried that my neighbors would assume I was butchering a woman in my home and would summon the police.
8. Sweatiest Canoodling: This was with Sandy (the one who got away - https://www.tuscl.net/discussion.php?id=… ) on a summer night in Houston. The air conditioning was on but I guess we just became too exuberant.
9. Sloppiest Sex: In Jakarta with Liah, my first major league squirter. At first I thought she had peed on me.
10. Largest Audience: 8 or maybe 9 people in a night club in Buenos Aires, Argentina watched me bang a night club performer. I can’t really be sure how many were watching, I was so drunk at the time. This may someday become the subject of a post dedicated to that bizarre night.
A few sexual things I’ve never done:
1. I never canoodled an underaged girl. When I was underaged myself I did try to canoodle some of my underaged girlfriends but didn’t score until we were both of legal age.
2. I never got my buddies together to run a train on anyone. I did once accidentally run over my girlfriend’s pussy (cat) with my car. She forgave me after I got her a new one.
3. I never had a threesome (or more) that involved any other men. I never wanted to and no woman ever asked me to engage in a threesome involving another man.
4. I’ve used grapes, ice cubes, cucumbers and zucchini during foreplay but never tried olives (pitted or unpitted), marshmallows, Velveeta or caramel syrup.
5. I’ve never gotten sticky with an Azeri but I’m not ruling it out.
6. I’ve always had the greatest respect for barnyard animals and have never molested any (though I did wink at a cow once but only because she winked at me first).
7. I’ve never juiced up a woman with tattoos. Although I don’t like tattoos, I am not fundamentally opposed to screwing a woman with a tattoo. I just never found it necessary to lower my standards on this point.
8. As much time as I’ve spent on airplanes this is a little surprising, but I’ve never had sex on an airplane. I’ve done some high altitude groping and been groped at cruising altitude a few times but no actual fucking.
9. Although I never had sex inside a school, I did get it on with a girlfriend in the back seat of my car in the school parking lot during lunch break.
10. To the best of my knowledge and belief, I never fucked any Mormon chicks.
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26 comments
How could I know whether to characterize myself as over-sexed? I’m the only male data point that I have. So it’s hard for me to compare myself to others.
But while I do suspect that I might be less well behaved than the average guy, I tend to blame that on my superior access to women rather then a hyperactive sex drive.
Many women are drawn to power and money. Until about 20-25 years ago I had only a little money and even less power. As I acquired more money and more power, I gradually became much less well behaved.
I don’t keep a diary as such but I have surfaced for years on different discussion boards and blog sites in this “Reverend Hornibastard” persona and chronicled my adventures for my own amusement and the amusement of others.
As I get older, I find my own past increasingly surprising and comical. But there was a lot of self-loathing too and I have not forgotten it.
As the god I don’t believe in is my witness, I hope my son does not follow in my sordid footsteps.
I really don’t like tattoos.
My second wife got a small tattoo late in our marriage.
I left her.
OK, I didn’t leave her over the tattoo but it sure didn’t improve her in my eyes.
Although I have gone to strip clubs for a long time, I really don’t go that often. I get the impression that lots of the players on TUSCL go far more often than I do.
And when I do go, I am very picky. It’s quite common for me to go clubbing and never even see a woman who I’d like to sit and talk with, much less get a lap dance from or anything potentially stickier than that.
Rev, I think TUSCL is the perfect place for you. I don't know of any other forum where you can tell stories about strippers, prostitutes and cumming in your pants, and not be branded a disgusting pervert. I have told some stories myself that I would not tell anywhere else.
I prefer no tattoos or piercings, but strippers are what they are. If they can put up with an aged man, I can put up with them.
"An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
Soul clap its hands and sing"--Yeats
“ ...TUSCL is the perfect place for you. I don't know of any other forum where you can tell stories about strippers, prostitutes and cumming in your pants, and not be branded a disgusting pervert.”
Makes good sense. But about 10-15 years ago in the second incarnation of Reverend Hornibastard I had a long-running blog entitled “The Gospel According to Reverend Hornibastard.” It was my first “mental drip pan” and included personal stories featuring Reverend Hornibastard (a.k.a. “the mutant miscreant”) and plenty of my anti-religious vitriol and politically incorrect humor. I assumed that kind of sophomoric fare would appeal principally to young men, possibly even to juveniles.
Much to my surprise, my readership was mostly middle aged women. And despite reading how awfully I behaved and how disloyal I was to my wives and girlfriends, they found the Reverend Hornibastard endearing because of the candid portrayal of love and sex from the male perspective.
I thought that was really strange. Reverend Hornibastard had even admitted to having two wives simultaneously on different continents. I only had two male readers who regularly posted comments on my blog. Both were openly gay.
Eleven years ago when Reverend Hornibastard announced in his blog that he had knocked up his wife who was young enough to be his daughter the number of followers on my blog skyrocketed.
That blog site shut down a few years ago and Reverend Hornibastard has been mostly dormant until recently other than for a few stories and contributions to some sex story sites.
My list is extremely short compared to others here, having gotten back into the game just a couple years ago and dabbling only on occasion.
But my pre-marriage exploits (late 80s to early 90s) consisted of many AMP and street lady encounters — most of which I can hardly remember — that I would have documented had there been Internet and this site, or one like it, back in the day.
Not as a means to boast, more as a reminder to myself that life can be fun at times.
I have tried caramel sauce...and recommend it...but you have me beat in almost every other category you listed...wow!
Now, please pass the lube.
You seem to imply that sex can be dirty and shameful.
I tend to agree with you.
Some folks think sex is NOT shameful or dirty.
They’re dead wrong.
Sex IS very dirty and shameful when it’s done properly!
No i dont. I dont think that there is anything inherently shameful about sex. As a result, that is why i disassociated you all with the term "pervert" , as i don't think that the most predominant quality that should be criticized in men on tuscl is the fact that y'all like sex..
While you all might be perverts, i associated y'all with the terms "shameful" and "insane" to a far greater degree.
Sex is not shameful, and loving sex is not shameful..i mean i think about it a lot too. However, the perception of women and the world at large according to men on tuscl(with a few exception of respectful men) is what is shameful and insane. Just look at JApruf's previous comment made "jokingly" to me for an example!
Hence , this reiterates that while sex is neither shameful nor insane, men on tuscl are both(shameful and insane)
Most of them fail to realize how badly this attempt is backfiring.
My dad always told me luck was better than skill, and he was 100% right, especially when you consider being lucky takes an extraordinary amount of skill
1) no it wasnt to talk about yall having fun wrong.i dont talk criticize people for how they like to have fun, but it is a different issue when they think that objecitfication is acceptable.
2)and umm why does me making one comment have to equate to me having "smartest person in the room " syndrome?
Damn.. i didnt know that such "innocuous" behavior would irk you auch to the point where you wanted to block them.
Nicole, why are you here ?
To cuddle with u:)
I did once run over my girlfriend’s pussy cat. I think it was sleeping under my car near one of the tires. Her driveway had a good slope to it and my car started to roll backward before I cranked up the engine. So the cat never heard anything and got smushed before it realized what was happening.
As for the Azeris, I met quite a few when I was living in Africa. Most were married to Americans or Brits who had previously worked on oil projects in Azerbaijan.
“i dont talk criticize people for how they like to have fun, but it is a different issue when they think that objecitfication is acceptable.”
As usual, you’re analysis is short sighted.
Objectifying a woman isn’t the same as thinking of her as nothing but a sex toy. I have been desperately in love with various women in my life and they seemed to feel the same way about me.
They seemed to enjoy it immensely when I objectified their bodies (especially when I paid a lot of attention to their panic buttons) and you call me weird if you want to, but I am rarely happier than when a sexy woman is objectifying my penis.
None of them.
The ones you have to pay for don’t count.
You’ll understand when you grow up, junior.
2. Longest Marathon Pussy Eating: Probably the night of 69 above.
3. Most Intense Sex: Sex on the hood of her father's sports car on the side of the freeway just behind some trees. I'm sure we were seen but nobody stopped to give us a hard time.
4. Most Women in My Bed at the Same Time: I've fooled around with one while her friend was in the same hotel room bed. They both had their chance to have me but one was more aggressive and the other didn't seem to want to share. I'm not a guy for "groups".
5. Best Blow Job: The time a virgin told me she wanted to TRY IT. She wasn't great at it but she was enthusiastic. By the time our dating days were over, she'd become quite an expert. But there's just something about knowing that it was her very first time.
6. Most Women in One Day: 3 on the Saturday of my 21st birthday weekend. Birthdays used to be good.
7. Loudest Sex: Meh......I prefer it quiet.
8. Sweatiest Canoodling: Cannot recall any special stories there.
9. Sloppiest Sex: Drunk and high.....girl gushed all over the place (luckily it wasn't my place). She left a huge wet spot on my friend's basement rug where we crashed and smashed.
10. Largest Audience: 0....I don't need or like an audience.
While I've had a few really good times back in the day.....it was all fairly boring as I am self conscious about sex. The times I was wilder involved alcohol bringing down my walls a little. There's plenty I still want to do but I'm torn with my sense of self worth that I would be cheating on my wife and breaking my word or sense of honor or some shit. Maybe it's just midlife crisis shit.