REUTERS - (Santa Monica, California) The Holy Roman Catholic Church has not yet lifted its ban on women in the clergy. Nevertheless, a maverick priest in Southern California has already ordained four of them. Father Les Dewette, the renegade pastor of St. Anne’s Catholic Church, is facing criticism, censure and possibly even excommunication by Vatican authorities. Despite this, he remains nonchalant, saying he plans to ordain several more female priests in the coming weeks.
As Reverend Les Dewette explains, “The Catholic Church is in crisis. Attendance is dropping all around the globe. We have a desperate shortage of male clergy that has only worsened since we officially began discouraging pedophilia and stopped openly using it as a recruitment tool to induce horny young men having trouble getting laid to enroll in a seminary. Meanwhile, we have all of these women, some of them with marvelous jugs, clamoring to become priests.”
Father Les Dewette carefully lit his pipe, sending a cloud of Borkum Riff smoke billowing up towards the ceiling. Sitting back in his leather chair and holding his pipe in a scholarly pose he added, “I think priests with knockers is an idea whose time has come!”
Father Les Dewette doesn’t take credit for the idea of admitting women into the clergy. When asked, he said he drew inspiration from Reverend Hornibastard’s ribald, iconoclastic congregation, Our Lady of Perpetual Lust” and its “Naked Guardian Angels,” the world’s only order of nudist nuns.
Father Les Dewette applauds Reverend Hornibastard’s marketing genius.
“Our Lady of Perpetual Lust is packed on a nightly basis. Its Sunday ‘services’ draw huge overflow crowds. In one fell swoop Reverend Hornibastard doubled his pool of potential clergy and vastly improved his attendance figures! Fucking brilliant!” Father Les Dewette gushed.
Carlotta Fuentes, a long time parishioner at St. Anne’s says she doesn’t object to women in the clergy but has reservations about some aspects of the new initiative.
“I always thought it would be a good idea to have women priests,” Carlotta says, “but I don’t understand the need for their skin-tight, form-fitting, semi-transparent, spandex clerical vestments. What the hell is that all about?”
When asked whether his parish would also emulate the Naked Guardian Angels that are such crowd pleasers at Our Lady of Perpetual Lust, Father Les Dewette said “no” but promised that St. Anne’s would soon debut their own provocative all-girl gospel rock band, “Thunder Thighs.”
When pressed for further details including whether Thunder Thighs would perform totally nude, Reverend Les Dewette insisted they would not.
“Don’t be absurd,”!he said. “Of course the Thunder Thighs gospel rock group will not perform totally nude! St. Anne’s is a respectable Catholic Church! They will all be wearing their guitars or some other musical instrument! What kind of fucking retard are you?”
