As a married guy its easy to go into this with reckless abandon once you get too comfortable. It requires discipline and an abundance of caution to go the long road. Ask yourself this question honestly "Did i want to get caught?".
try to talk your wife into couples therapy. if you want to save your marriage it might help, but you need to be really careful about the therapist you get. don't get a therapist who hates men and is going to blame you for everything. but you also don't want to get a therapist who is "value neutral" and will help push you into a divorce. unless of course you want a divorce, in which case you should still seek a therapist b/c it might make the divorce process smoother and less painful
I adore my SO dearly. I don't do this because she's lacking in any way. She's great emotionally, physically, in every way. I love her dearly. If anything, I do this because I didn't have someone like her in my life for far too long and am simply permanently damaged by that.
She, too, does not know I do this. It would break my heart if she found out and decided to take away her love accordingly. It's part of my own self-destructive cycle. I know it will happen eventually, which stresses me out, which makes me want to relax by doing this.
You have my condolences, Doces. However the chips fall, I hope it is not too bad for you.
SA relationships and strip clubbing do not exist on the same level of moral equivalency. Anything short of ITC is not quite whoremongering. However, OTC and SA are whoremongering, no matter how you slice it. My SO has always sworn it will be over if I ever cheated on her.
As a practical matter, there are 100 things that have to go just right to avoid being caught. No traffic tickets. No accidents. No lingering perfume. No evidence of financial transaction. No accidental encounter with nosy neighbors.
I mean, it’s a miracle to pull this off once, let alone over a long period of time, right ?
All this non-stop drama, unbelievable experiences (none of your SA girls are flakey, and they are all hotter than their pics??? just doesn't happen), all make it sound as if it's all a story constructed to garner attention, alas
Yeah a little out of control, she searched my truck and found a receipt and the paper from the roadside service guy. That both place me where I wasn't supposed to be. I still deny but she has enough now she is sure
Find some unique place to shop along the route yet beyond where you 'weren't supposed to be" and buy something expensive. Pay cash -- you cannot have a dated credit card receipt "after the fact." Think it through -- it has to be believable. Give it to her for Christmas and tell her where you got it as explanation for the suspicious paperwork.
if she wants to stay with you, you will give her enough plausible deniability for her to stay with her pride intact.
Tell her that searching your truck hurts your feelings and almost ruined the surprise.
As one who has been there, let me offer you this little bit of advice. You can take it or leave it, I’m just letting you know how it worked out for me.
Do not. And I mean this in the most sincere way, do not try to fix it with your wife.
Cut your losses and cut bait.
If you try to make amends and try to work it out with your wife, you will spend the rest of your days here on earth paying for it. She will never forget it and it will always be there in her mind and you will never be trusted again no matter what you do. And if she’s vindictive like my ex was, you would be so better off just leaving now and don’t look back. It will be painful. But staying in the relationship will be more painful in the long run because she will make your life a living hell.
I agree with @Subraman there is just too much drama going on here but on the off chance that this time just bullshit get yourself tested because if you have any sense or feelings for a woman who is the mother of your children you need to be a man and do the right thing.
You cannot abandon the denial that you have begun. You have to either acknowledge that it is over or play the denial out for all it is worth.
If you reverse course and attempt to fall on your sword, I cannot imagine it ending well for you. In the interim, it will be nothing but torture for you.
I don't think it's completely made up, cause Doces sent me the screen names of the 5 girls and they are all legit SA users. The pics were all cute and 4 of the 5 profiles were consistent with girls that would do casual dates. The 5th had a "Lifestyle Expected" of High ($10k per month), so she would never have turned up in one of my searches and I'm surprised she agreed to a one-time date.
The area he is in had WAAAAY more 18-24 yr old girls listed than around here, and the majority of them were Minimal, Low, or Negotiable and listed "Flexible Schedule" as something they were looking for. If Doces is decent looking, I can see why he was able to get the positive response he did.
Heck, I think a short 3-week project assignment in that area might be coming up in my future. ;-)
I agree w warhawks. It’s why I didn’t offer a good excuse. Seems like a deeper issue, and I feel bad for her if you are trying to make her feel like a crazy jealous bitch for not believing your lies. :/ it’s something that contributes to why a lot of hot girls are bat shit crazy. Once you’ve been dragged along and deceived that way, it’s very hard to get over. I feel bad for you too tho. You need to decide what you want.
Having been caught several times and still remaining happily married despite it all, I advise telling the truth or at least enough that it is understood you are seeing strippers in some way. To flat out deny when your wife already suspects you is not going to end well in the long run.
My wife would rather I don't go to strip clubs at all but she would rather know than have me lie about it. And once she suspects, there really is no avoiding the inevitable getting caught. So in my experience it is best to come clean and admit you like to go to the strip club. And then if your wife makes you decide between her and that, just be honest with yourself about it. Luckily my wife hasn't forced that decision on me and just enforces honesty over everything else.
-->"The 5th had a "Lifestyle Expected" of High ($10k per month), so she would never have turned up in one of my searches and I'm surprised she agreed to a one-time date."
Oh, joc13, I remember back 7 months ago when I was as young and naive as you :) :) lol ... On another forum, some of my experienced SD seadaddies, who were helping guide me through SA, told me that I should ignore the Lifestyle expectations (I had previously set my search parameters to Negotiable, Minimal, and Practical). They were 100% right. Very few of the girls are serious about their expectations, and a huge number claim to not even have realized what it meant when they checked "Substantial" or whatever. In my initial contact, I just tell them up front that I'm unable to meet their $10,000/month expectations, or even come close, and the girls don't care. In our next exchange, I typically propose we go per-meet for at least the first month, and offer $300 (sometimes less), and many many Substantial (up to $10,000 per month) and High (more than $10,000/month) girls jump at it.
So, strong advice: completely open up your search parameters, many of the cutest girls will have checked High and Substantial just out of pride, but many will take whatever you offer
I used SA the one time as I have explained in order threads but I also rejected most of the substantial expectations I also used the wish list just to see how much awareness these girls had about real luxury items needless to say I excluded more that had a wish list than those that had high expectations.
I have several rule:
1} cash only
2} no real names
3} never club close to home
4} no favorites
5} no personal information (phone numbers, addresses, facebutt, twatter, intitgram)
6} keep it professional
Im 2yrs in marriage and my wife knows about my stripclub activities. Does she know everything that goes down in the SC? No. But at least she knows where I am at. And yea if she really wants me to stop then I "think" I will but she hasnt gave me that ultimatum yet.
@subraman Thanks, I'll give it a try. I guess a rejection is the worst that can happen, and that's happening on other grounds anyway (too old, too heavy, won't pay for m+g dates). There's one chick who isn't really anything special but she pushes all my right buttons. Can't get her to go out again (we did one m+g date which I thought went well and she said she did too), but can't get her to reject me completely either. She's ALWAYS on the site, which I take as she's not finding anyone (like I said, she really isn't anything special).
I've been increasing on either the hotness scale or the sex scale with each new SB or OTC stripper. e.g. latest SB is a 6 in hotness, a 9 for sex. latest OTC stripper is an 8 in hotness, but only a 6 in sex (kind of a limp fish, not much energy or enthusiasm; proof that not all women willing to sell sex are good at it).
So, I'm willing to push the envelope a little more next time.
joc: exactly, very little downside. The one thing I do suggest is that you tell her, right in your opening message, that $10,000/month is beyond your current level ... Let her cut bait immediately (that is, simply not respond); you'll find most girls do respond back, though, often with "I had no idea what High meant when I checked it" silliness.
The other fun one is the girls who have checked "Financial Domination". The most common response I get back when I ask them what that is: "I'm not really sure, I checked it because it sounds interesting".
Financial Domination sounds like she wants to make investing her bitch. Maybe someone like Dougster is her type ;)
Actually its term that there are make believe guys out there that get off on just paying girls money for nothing in return but their company. She wants to be the dom for this fantasy unicorn guy...
I would think that complete exclusivity, living where you’d like, being available for trips/dates nearly on demand, dressing appropriatly to impress, and possibly having the education, intelligence, and reliability to go along with the looks, might be at the highest end of the scale, but the same girl who could offer those things for 10k, might have a sliding scale where she is allowed to have other arrangements, requires notification of dates ahead, limits availability, and shows up in her pjs for a lot less.
@bj99 there was some truth to the movie Pretty Woman. If I was living the life Gere's character was living (long work hours, extensive travel, no concerns about money), I too would just have a "Beck and call" girl in a couple cities I'm in frequently and available to travel as needed. And in that case, I can absolutely understand that 10k per month might be justified.
Sorry to hear you got caught, but I think as soon as you had suspicions you should have shut it down. But the little head obviously won out and now you have to pay the penalty whatever that is.
I'm not going to advise you on what to do because I don't know your wife or how your relationship is with her. You know her and know how she will react to if you tell her the truth or not. You have to decide how you want your life to be moving forward.
I'm not married so have no experience cheating on someone so no advice.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
No idea if you want a divorce or not or if your wife wants a divorce but is going to take as much of your money as possible before telling you or not. My older brother threatened divorce with his wife and she nagged him to death. First claimed some type of cancer and in one year, got thousands from him to pay for an experimental drug each visit. When I suggested going to Doctor with her to verify things, miraculous recovery after months of treatment at $1500 a visit. Then she nagged him to pay off the house mortgage and taking all money out of a former 401k. Caused massive taxes and money in 401k had been protected. I think my sister in law had sneaky ulterior motives. Now my older brother is old and broke. Sad story. Still married though if that's what he wanted. She also nagged him into taking a drug for cholesterol which had a side effect that wasted his muscles away so much that he had to quit his job and go on disability and retire early. When I told him there were class action lawsuits against doctors prescribing the dosage of drug he was taking, he said his doctor lost his medical records. His wife picked out the doctor. I personally think she's not too bright and am staying out of it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what keeps him going. He might die before my mother. Males on my fathers side have died in their 60's. I would t be surprised to live a lot longer since I haven't had all the stress he's lived with. Just an example of what can happen if you decide to stick it out.
I'm still going to go with a counselor. Assuming your story is true, no one does that type of fucked up shit w/o having serious underlying issues with the marriage. You owe it to yourself to find out why you're on a self-destruct mission.
The options provided could work - but a lot depends on how he reacted when originally confronted. If he’s a stoic type - and has a good poker face - there might still be time to work an elaborate web of lies (that create a bit of deniability).
It’s similar to a defense lawyer attempting to create reasonable doubt. It’s not easy - as you really need an upfront alibi. By going back and providing a well devised alibi now - she knows he’s had time to weave a web.
As a side note, I wonder why people get mad when they get caught. Like when my coworker got caught cheating on his wife, she followed him to the club and then followed him and the accompanying stripper to the motel secretly taking pictures. His wife was standing outside when they came out and he got mad at her for being sneaky... and said that he wouldn't have been cheating if she trusted him. SMH
JackScott - it’s a challenge to determine how a person will react to specific confrontations. In certain cases - docile folks will become violent. There can be an immediate overflow of emotion - a release of control - and then an emotional outburst.
The logic of any arguments when a legitimately unexpected confrontation occurs might be totally irrational. The emotions are so high - and the release of chemicals in the body can make for bizarre reactions.
Also, I never do this - because I think it could be disastrous - but if you back an animal into a corner - the reaction can be totally unpredictable. I think that contributes to this type of reaction too. Folks are cornered - caught red handed - left without a way out - so their reaction (when they no longer have the flight or fight options) when left with only the fight option - can be very aggressive.
Lol I have been laid back in my denial, but very weirdly after the initial accusations and very aggressive behavior by her she has backed down to the point she is acting like nothing happened. Makes me nervous, watching bank and investment accounts closely. She is being way too nice...
That type of behavior can be very unsettling. Most folks expect aggressive, angry and hurt reactions. When she acts like nothing happened - is when I’d be more worried.
However, her mind is possibly still processing things. She may still be trying to put the other pieces together. Things that seemed innocuous before - might arouse suspicion now. After this type of discovery - it can cause her to look at everything you’ve done with suspicion.
@Doces300 - you're either making all this up, or you have bricks in your head. your wife is behaving strangely, and all you're doing is watching your investments? really? isn't there some saying about latching the barn door after the horse has bolted? if you're really this dense IRL then your OTC behavior explains itself.
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Lesson? Stay single.
She, too, does not know I do this. It would break my heart if she found out and decided to take away her love accordingly. It's part of my own self-destructive cycle. I know it will happen eventually, which stresses me out, which makes me want to relax by doing this.
As such, I hurt for you, bud.
SA relationships and strip clubbing do not exist on the same level of moral equivalency. Anything short of ITC is not quite whoremongering. However, OTC and SA are whoremongering, no matter how you slice it. My SO has always sworn it will be over if I ever cheated on her.
I mean, it’s a miracle to pull this off once, let alone over a long period of time, right ?
if she wants to stay with you, you will give her enough plausible deniability for her to stay with her pride intact.
Tell her that searching your truck hurts your feelings and almost ruined the surprise.
Good luck.
Do not. And I mean this in the most sincere way, do not try to fix it with your wife.
Cut your losses and cut bait.
If you try to make amends and try to work it out with your wife, you will spend the rest of your days here on earth paying for it. She will never forget it and it will always be there in her mind and you will never be trusted again no matter what you do. And if she’s vindictive like my ex was, you would be so better off just leaving now and don’t look back. It will be painful. But staying in the relationship will be more painful in the long run because she will make your life a living hell.
You cannot abandon the denial that you have begun. You have to either acknowledge that it is over or play the denial out for all it is worth.
If you reverse course and attempt to fall on your sword, I cannot imagine it ending well for you. In the interim, it will be nothing but torture for you.
Decide. It is 4th down. Punt or make..
The area he is in had WAAAAY more 18-24 yr old girls listed than around here, and the majority of them were Minimal, Low, or Negotiable and listed "Flexible Schedule" as something they were looking for. If Doces is decent looking, I can see why he was able to get the positive response he did.
Heck, I think a short 3-week project assignment in that area might be coming up in my future. ;-)
My wife would rather I don't go to strip clubs at all but she would rather know than have me lie about it. And once she suspects, there really is no avoiding the inevitable getting caught. So in my experience it is best to come clean and admit you like to go to the strip club. And then if your wife makes you decide between her and that, just be honest with yourself about it. Luckily my wife hasn't forced that decision on me and just enforces honesty over everything else.
Good luck.
Oh, joc13, I remember back 7 months ago when I was as young and naive as you :) :) lol ... On another forum, some of my experienced SD seadaddies, who were helping guide me through SA, told me that I should ignore the Lifestyle expectations (I had previously set my search parameters to Negotiable, Minimal, and Practical). They were 100% right. Very few of the girls are serious about their expectations, and a huge number claim to not even have realized what it meant when they checked "Substantial" or whatever. In my initial contact, I just tell them up front that I'm unable to meet their $10,000/month expectations, or even come close, and the girls don't care. In our next exchange, I typically propose we go per-meet for at least the first month, and offer $300 (sometimes less), and many many Substantial (up to $10,000 per month) and High (more than $10,000/month) girls jump at it.
So, strong advice: completely open up your search parameters, many of the cutest girls will have checked High and Substantial just out of pride, but many will take whatever you offer
1} cash only
2} no real names
3} never club close to home
4} no favorites
5} no personal information (phone numbers, addresses, facebutt, twatter, intitgram)
6} keep it professional
Im 2yrs in marriage and my wife knows about my stripclub activities. Does she know everything that goes down in the SC? No. But at least she knows where I am at. And yea if she really wants me to stop then I "think" I will but she hasnt gave me that ultimatum yet.
And sometimes I will tell her about my SC trips.
I've been increasing on either the hotness scale or the sex scale with each new SB or OTC stripper. e.g. latest SB is a 6 in hotness, a 9 for sex. latest OTC stripper is an 8 in hotness, but only a 6 in sex (kind of a limp fish, not much energy or enthusiasm; proof that not all women willing to sell sex are good at it).
So, I'm willing to push the envelope a little more next time.
The other fun one is the girls who have checked "Financial Domination". The most common response I get back when I ask them what that is: "I'm not really sure, I checked it because it sounds interesting".
Actually its term that there are make believe guys out there that get off on just paying girls money for nothing in return but their company. She wants to be the dom for this fantasy unicorn guy...
I'm not going to advise you on what to do because I don't know your wife or how your relationship is with her. You know her and know how she will react to if you tell her the truth or not. You have to decide how you want your life to be moving forward.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
No idea if you want a divorce or not or if your wife wants a divorce but is going to take as much of your money as possible before telling you or not. My older brother threatened divorce with his wife and she nagged him to death. First claimed some type of cancer and in one year, got thousands from him to pay for an experimental drug each visit. When I suggested going to Doctor with her to verify things, miraculous recovery after months of treatment at $1500 a visit. Then she nagged him to pay off the house mortgage and taking all money out of a former 401k. Caused massive taxes and money in 401k had been protected. I think my sister in law had sneaky ulterior motives. Now my older brother is old and broke. Sad story. Still married though if that's what he wanted. She also nagged him into taking a drug for cholesterol which had a side effect that wasted his muscles away so much that he had to quit his job and go on disability and retire early. When I told him there were class action lawsuits against doctors prescribing the dosage of drug he was taking, he said his doctor lost his medical records. His wife picked out the doctor. I personally think she's not too bright and am staying out of it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what keeps him going. He might die before my mother. Males on my fathers side have died in their 60's. I would t be surprised to live a lot longer since I haven't had all the stress he's lived with. Just an example of what can happen if you decide to stick it out.
It’s similar to a defense lawyer attempting to create reasonable doubt. It’s not easy - as you really need an upfront alibi. By going back and providing a well devised alibi now - she knows he’s had time to weave a web.
The logic of any arguments when a legitimately unexpected confrontation occurs might be totally irrational. The emotions are so high - and the release of chemicals in the body can make for bizarre reactions.
Also, I never do this - because I think it could be disastrous - but if you back an animal into a corner - the reaction can be totally unpredictable. I think that contributes to this type of reaction too. Folks are cornered - caught red handed - left without a way out - so their reaction (when they no longer have the flight or fight options) when left with only the fight option - can be very aggressive.
However, her mind is possibly still processing things. She may still be trying to put the other pieces together. Things that seemed innocuous before - might arouse suspicion now. After this type of discovery - it can cause her to look at everything you’ve done with suspicion.
My ex was actually nice for a while too. But she was just setting things up. Getting all her ducks in a row, information compiled, documents etc.
Be very cautious. She just might be setting you up for an iron clad divorce settlement.