I'm back again. Same story of love. VERY lengthy and detailed but 3 months has p
HarryJones
.
I'm 20 and she is 24. I have been seeing her at work for 8 months (5 as a huge regular). I am in both nights each weekend. I used to spend big for my age and occupation whilst everything was professional and a fantasy. She then escalated things personally and my spending didn't overly change, she has only gained hassle from me by doing so.
I simply cannot get her out of my mind. I have never felt this way or had a connection like this with anyone. I'm shy around new people and girls in particular but I can just be so relaxed with her now. I have her real name and we have chatted on Facebook daily since February (Coincidentally just after she dumped her boyfriend). We have had a few lengthy phone calls too. Its not always me making the moves, she'll often popup and ask me how my day has been without me initiating things.
We're in the UK, its a tiny gentlemen's club. Very cleanly ran, no drugs, extras, etc. (Trust me, I may as well live in that place) everybody knows everybody in my small town. She doesn't even drink alcohol at work. I see the manager buying groceries almost daily. Whenever I attend the club now, i'll literally sit and chat for upto 30mins before even paying for anything. And its all mega personal stuff. I know everything about her, her family, her finances to the nearest pound and her past. I ask personal questions but she'll often give me deep info without me asking. She really trusts me.
Me and my friends are next door in a regular nightclub every weekend and she often goes there for the final hour before close. We have bought eachother many drinks and have kissed...usually hidden away in a corner because other girls are present. We often share a taxi home and get out at our own apartments separately as a way to save money and make sure we get home safely. I lost my wallet once and was staying out of town. She leant me a pretty good sum of money at 5am so that I could get home. I paid her back and when I leant her money next month...she did the same. We have also exchanged birthday gifts. She has many times told me to save my money for another night rather than buying tonnes of lapdances whilst i've been drunk and feeling flush after a casino visit.
She has recently been to my place and met my parents. She used to work in the beauty industry so she is doing my Sister's hair and makeup for her highschool prom. Other stylists quoted us £150 but she is doing it or free. And the test version she did last week was great and so professional. If anybody knew she was involved with me like this....she would be done. My parents were surprised at how lovely and well mannered she was. She truly is a sweetheart but doesn't take any shit. She now wants to attend the prom with my family and witness it whilst taking pictures.
I told her that I was falling in love with her last month and I gave her permission to laugh at me because its so stupid and unrealistic. I said "You probably think i'm lovely but will never see me in that way" she then got pretty upset. She hates when I put myself down, she says she likes me and cares deeply about me. She often reassures me and tells me to stop overthinking little things, something that I do a lot. I do worry about her. She HATES me referring to myself as a regular, she calls me "her man" or "future husband" if she is smoking out the back, other girls will run out to her and say "Your man has arrived" and she even told me that her manager said that I am "Good boyfriend material for her"
She said I would be "Perfect for her" but she is simply not looking for a boyfriend right now. I've said things like "As if you'd date a guy with my looks" and "Nice guys finish last" and she again got quite upset and told me about one of her exes who had long hair and missing teeth but he was a lovely guy. She constantly reminds me that its out of our control who we fall in love with and that you simply never know whats around the corner. "You cant prove those theories of nice guys"
She has Bi-Polar disorder and her most recent ex verbally abused her frequently. She has lived alone since the day she turned 18, 6 years ago and is VERY independant and stubborn, she has days where she just needs to be given space. Her Mothers boyfriend would beat her as a child and eventually set the family home on fire, leaving her to save her 3 younger sisters from the blaze even though she was just a child herself. But her life is in such great order now. (No problems like I hear about these American girls on this site) she doesn't have many luxuries but cares very deeply about her Mom, Sister's and Dog. She is clean, just gets by and is a lovely young woman. Her Mother is also aware of me. She isn't overly intelligent and enjoys her job, it suits her. Shes been there since she was 18, the second longest serving girl has only done 2 years.
She knows that I fully respect and understand her job more than most guys and loves that about me, I 100% do not see her as a sexual object at all. Obviously I want her in my bed but I would rather do a million other romantic things with her before that.
I've been told "I just don't want you to wait around for me and miss out on other opportunities and fun because of me" but I have never had luck with girls and nobody else is on my seen so i'm happy to wait. When we look in eachothers eyes we just both smile and giggle. It was never like that a few months ago. We truly have grown closer and closer. My dances are often longer because she "Just loves dancing for me"
Overall does anybody seriously think that One day I could hold her in my arms and call her mine? Obviously the whole "not being ready" thing could be a gentle letdown but she is a 10/10 and EVERYBODY'S friend in our town, but has been single for 4 months.
With the style of person that she is and the way she's been treated in the past, you can genuinely see why she may not want love right now.
I just fear that one day some other asshole will stroll into her life and suddenly she will be "ready" for him.
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Sounds about right. You better get a bit more aggressive about it if you are serious dude. Girls don't like guys who take "no" for an answer too easily. You might find it was all a hoax, or maybe not.
She has been treat so badly in the past that she does genuinely seem like she'd rather enjoy life freely alone at the moment
I'm decades older than you ...doesn't mean I know much more about affairs of the heart but the issues now are where you stand one to one with her.
Again, there's a good chance she written you off as a pushover already, and you're just gonna find out she does this with all her customers, but at least you have age going for you, so I'd say it's worth a shot.
I've been in love with 4 different women. All at different points in my life. If I had met them at different points in my life it may not have been the same.
Bottom line, it's gonna hurt because you can't be with her, but you'll find someone else who will be ready to love you.
Just don't get married (but that's another subject) lol.
(ps. i spent 32 years trying to live in a marriage that just didn't work. and i had waited until 29 to get married. imo... much better to be single. you can still have love as a single man but life is not as complicated.)
Being fixated on a stripper is like being fixated on a movie/tv actress; it's basically an unrealizable fantasy w/ rare exceptions.
If you have game to think you can land a hot stripper; then you should have game to land a hot civvie and that is what you should do - if you can't land a hot civvie then wake up and smell the PLness.
But - in emergency cases like this we often recommend the old standby of sending her some dick-picks - believe me this works a lot better w/ strippers than flowers.
My advice is to move on, but to respect your own feelings enough to not settle for less than you feel for her. If she is ready and you still haven't met anyone you love more, who can love you also, then it's meant to be.
There's also no reason to stop being friends w her. She isn't taking advantage of you and it sounds like she does care for you, as a friend. This has happened to me, and it would hurt when a guy friend would finally get sick of me not having romantic feelings for him, and would move on bc I'd miss his friendship. It actually still happens w pls, but I've gotten more used to it and I guess w age and experience, I don't get as close anymore.
That should say: "when pl's confuse Sc fantasy w reality."
:)
Throw a PL a bone (and we'll throw back a boner) :)
Anyway, when we started dating I was 15 and she was 18. She was always worried about messing up an impressionable youth, so she wasn't willing to go all the way. Fast forward two years after I had been dating other girls, and she was ready to do about anything to get with me. As fate would have it, she was pregnant and engaged then, so it wasn't something I wanted to pursue at that point.
I was on the other side of that dynamic when I was 21 and an 18 y/o virgin would come visit me at my apartment and we would trade massages. She hinted that we could go further, but I just wasn't that into her and didn't want to mess her up for a casual thing.
Anyway, my guess is that she sees you as fragile and doesn't want to break you. Probably the best you can do is stop approval seeking and not treat any next stage as some big deal. In other words, anything that happens is a natural thing that happened, and interact with her the same the next day as the day before. Of course, any boldness you can muster is probably a good thing as long as it's water off a duck's back if she isn't down for it.
I'm not sure I would want to hook up with a bipolar girl. From what I read, she may think she might ruin your life because she might think she's not good enough for you and thinks it's silly when you put yourself down. Think about things from her shoes and it might make sense. Warning, you might be better off without her in the long run. I suspect you are in lust instead of love but I could be wrong. Also if you have success, use protection otherwise you might become her first baby daddy. Happens all the time. From what you described, you would feel obligated to support her. Making payments for 18 years or longer won't be pleasant especially if she kicks you to the curb. She could have other unmentioned sexual diseases from past boyfriends. You never know if you don't talk about this stuff. She might even have a boyfriend she hasn't mentioned if you really don't know her well. She might only see him for a couple hours here and there.
I remember a dancer was all over me at one time. We even saw each other outside the library on occasion. She didn't want to have sex. Red flag for me. One day she suddenly wanted to change our relationship. I was wondering what was up. She told me she had a boyfriend she had never mentioned a word about. She even thought she would eventually get married or whatever. Anyway she got pregnant and he left her. Obviously I saw that I was the next in line for the boyfriend. I was not feeling that attached to her anymore. I was looking for a new job and finally found one a matter of months later. I said goodbye. She wanted my phone number to stay in contact. She cried, said she was in love and never realized it. We never went all the way. I think it would have been fun but she never told me she had a boyfriend.
2 years later she called me out of the blue, apparently still had my number. Asked me to come visit a club in South Carolina she was working at. I had probably gained 10 or 15 pounds over two years. When we parted, she seemed disappointed saying I didn't look the same as my thinner self. She wasn't interested in me anymore, Things change.
Just my experience. In a way I'm glad I didn't get that involved with her because she reminds me of one of my sister in laws. I remember, if anyone reminds me of a sister in law, run, run fast.
I understand the whole boyfriend thing but I am close enough to her and her friends to know that she genuinely is single. And as for the Bi-Polar thing, I would want to support her. It is not lust, I love her for all her imperfections and would be willing to take risks
Disclaimer: any sex or anything bad that happens, it's not my fault. You are responsible for your own actions. If you get herpes, get her pregnant, your fault.
In general most girls who aren't ready for a boyfriend change their minds when they meet someone who makes their heart race.
You're the "good guy" the safe bet, but you're not the guy who makes her pussy gush.
37 year old divorced women go for "good guys". Hot 24 year olds don't.
There are plenty of girls out there for you to date. I know that's not what you want to hear but if you go out with other women you can see differences and she will see you are capable of moving on. Many times this wakes them up if they have an interest. And women don't want a needy man.
Lastly on the whole bipolar deal. Take it from someone who lived with a bipolar person. It's not easy, especially if their meds are not right. I know you say you're willing to support her, that's great, I said the same thing. But I also was married to her when it manifested itself and she was diagnosed. You need to understand how the bipolar brain works and what to expect and how to react. Because a majority of relationships (more than 75%) where one person is bipolar fail.
This just seems to be more trouble then it's worth at your age. You should be out having fun with lots of civi girls, going to parties, hanging with friends. Being in the obnoxious groups at strip clubs that us seasoned mongers hate. Not stressing over a possible relationship with a stripper. Especially when the numbers say Strippers don't date customers and when they do it ends terribly for the customer.
She may stay as long as your money hold out.
I would also recommend Warrenboy75's suggestion of taking her on a weekend trip or the like where it is just you and her for a couple days and nights. You will learn a lot about whether you're compatible with each other and how you truly feel about each other.
Here are some questions you need to answer if you end up in a relationship with her:
1) Are you okay with her stripping while in a relationship with you?
2) If she leaves the strip club, will she be able to get another job that pays a comparable wage? If not, do you have the finances at 20 years old to support her while she attends trade school or university?
3) Are you sure you can weather the storm of being in a relationship with a woman who is bi-polar?
It's not your age. It's the fact that you are a pussy. And if you weren't such a pussy you would have been in this girl's panties a long time ago that is the fact. You're only 20 this the first time you like the girl so much like to save you from yourself for the remaining parts of your twenties stop being such a f****** pussy. Even if you don't have confidence you better fake it bro. Confidence is what makes the girls panties wet confidence is what makes them attracted to you confidence is the thing you better learn to f****** fake while you establish it for real.
You feel shy, you feel embarrassed, you feel weak, you feel small... keep all that s*** to yourself.
You can get out of the friend zone but it's going to take you banging some other girls that she knows about hell maybe that she even knows before she'll ever consider banging you again. Girls want a guy that every other girl wants to period so now you got to prove that other girls want you.
Good luck
So, yeah, GACA is right. Crank up the aggressiveness by a fact of 10 or so, and give it another try.