Face it: the 1-10 scale for stripper attractiveness is busted. Everyone has a different yardstick, some scale 1-10 linearly, some scale it exponentially. 1-10 ratings of stripper attractiveness are a disaster.
A more promising metric still is the MilliHelen, first discovered by @reverendhornibastard. Helen, a Greek princesses of legendary and unparalleled beauty eloped from Greece with Paris of Troy, prompting Greece to launch an armada of 1,000 warships to invade Troy. Thus, a milliHelen is: how many ships would a Greek king launch in pursuit of any given lady, were she to abscond with a foreign adversary? A rating a few milliHelens would indicate mild attractiveness, while a rating above 800 would indicate an incredibly attractive woman.
However, as @rickthelion mentioned in the recent thread on Sydney Sweeney, the notion of a 1,000 warships is completely outdated in modern naval paradigms. Therefore we need a new naval-focused metric for comparative hotness between strippers. Right?
I propose the Nimitz Response Rating. Were a given lady to abscond with a foreign adversary, what level of naval response would be warranted by the famed Admiral Nimitz?
| 1-10 Equivalent | Nimitz Response Rating | Attractiveness Level | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| 0-5 | No Response | Very Low | Should a lady of such caliber abscond with a foreign adversary, no response is warranted. |
| 6 | Patrol Boat | Low | The lady is attractive enough to warrant pursuing with a patrol boat in case she goes overboard. |
| 7 | Destroyer | Mildly attractive | For a girl next door, Nimitz would send a single destroyer, an asset capable of provoking international incidents. |
| 8 | Nuclear Attack Submarine | Mysteriously Attractive | Possibly irresistible below the surface, Nimitz would send our stealthiest and deadliest warship to track down the lady. |
| 9 | Light Carrier Group | Hot | The lady is hot enough to send a pursuit group capable of projecting power over a large region. |
| 10 | Carrier Surface Group | Insanely Hot | The disappearance of a lady like this requires an epic response, a full carrier battle group supported by destroyers, submarines, logistics and support cruisers with the capacity to wage war anywhere on the planet. |
Examples of the Nimitz Response Rating:
- The talent in that club was so bad it warranted no Nimitz response.
- The last dancer I saw was nuclear attack submarine hot, I had to take her to VIP.
- Sydney Sweeney is Carrier Surface Group hot, I challenge you to name a more attractive lady.
What do you think, TUSCL?
Comments
last commentCall me dumb, but I guess I’m a little cornfused. I appreciate all the work you put into this with fancy fonts and tabular columns, but based upon the far left column, you’re still using the tried and true 1-10 hotness scale (after you were critical of it) and then just applying different names. No?
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Sydney Sweeney isn't really that hot. I seriously don't think I'd buy a dance. I'd argue I'd have to scroll for a while here instagram.com to find a girl who wasn't hotter than her.
I get that's not really your point, but it illiterates the fundamental problem that neither the MilliHelen nor the Nimitz Response solutions address. And that problem is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or put another way: its a matter of taste. I don't know how to fix that issue.
It does however at least partially address two other common issues, namely the dispute over where average lies. It does this by simply acknowledging that when dealing with strippers, average hotness is simply not worth noting. It also address the issue of the potential asymptotes at 0 and 10, again by simply avoiding the issue altogether and establishing upper and lower boundaries beyond which precise measurement isn't required.
Nice try, but I'll stick with the classic 0-10 scale for now. Even with its flaws.
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@motorhead I guess, I'm saying the right-most column is a rough equivalent. Not an exact match.
Clearly the Nimitz Response Rating is much more nuanced, no?
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What's the best wine? What's the best food? Where's the best vacation spot? All opinion. All subjective.
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