Crazyjoe goes on a vacation to Italy and goes to the hotel bathroom for his post-flight shit! Decides to have a long drink of water before he takes his shit! But the drinking fountain is too close to the floor so he goes to the lobby to complain! He storms into the lobby and asks the concierge "why the drinking fountain in the bathroom so low to the ground?"
Isaac Newton, Blaise Pascal and Albert Einstein were playing a game of hide and seek. Einstein was it to start. As Einstein started to count to 100 with his eyes closed, Pascal ran off to hide. Newton, on the other hand, picked up a stick, drew a square exactly one meter on each side and then stood in it. When Einstein stopped counting, he looked a said, "Aha! I have found you, Newton. You're it!"
Newton replied, "I beg to differ sir. What you found was a Newton over a square meter. You found one Pascal!"
Why do engineers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Husband comes home to a mopping wife.
"What's the problem? " he asked
Wife: I want a boob job my tits are too small
Husband: How much?
Wife: $5,000
Husband : Hell the fuck no, I know how you can get bigger tits for damn near free
Wife: Oh yea, How?
Husband : All you have to do is go into the bathroom get some tissue and rub it right between your tits, do this two to three times a day
Wife: What the fck? Are you sure that's going to make my tits bigger?
Husband : Hell yes, look what it's done to your ass
Zebra dies goes to heaven meets St.Peter at the pearly gates.
St Pete: Welcome to heaven where all your questions are answered
Zebra: Good I've always wanted to know if I'm White with black stripes or if I'm Black with white stripes
St Pete: Wow, that's a good question, you're gonna have to ask the big guy himself for the answer
And with that the Zebra goes off to meet God. A few moments later St. Peter runs into the Zebra
St. Pete: So what did God say, are you White with black stripes or Black with white stripes
Zebra: Well I asked God, and he told me "You are what you are"
St Pete: Wait, what? No tell me exactly what happened
Zebra: I saw god and I asked "Dear lord I'd like to know am I White with black stripes or am I Black with white stripes?" And then God said "You are what you are "
St Peter hand to chon deep in thought
St. Pete: Hmm, I guess that means you're White with black stripes because if you were Black with white stripes he would have said "You is what you is"
Figaro the greatest animal trainer in the world was performing one night. For his first act he put his head in the mouth of a Lion. Looks at the audience and says "Childs play"
His next act he get a hungry tiger stick his entire arm down it's throat, "I haven't even broken a sweat"
For his third and final death defying act he get an Alligator opens it's mouth, then he whips out his dick places it in the gators mouth, and he hits the Alligator in the head as hard as he can, but it never closes it's mouth. "You might think it's just this gator" Figaro yells, so he grabs a different gator, this one bigger than the first, opens mouth insets penis and hits the gator in the head as hard as he can, and the gator never closes it's mouth.
Figaro : If anyone in the audience is brave enough to try this I'll give them $2000
The audience is silent, until of in the distant a man stands up
Guy: OK Ok, I will try it, just don't hit me in my head so hard.
Santa makes his way down a chimney to deliver a gift to a little girl who was on his Nice list. As he's places the present under the tree out walks the hottest 21 year old in sexy lingerie.
Girl: Hi Santa I decided this year I was going to give you something other than milk and cookies
Santa: Ho Ho Ho, no no no, I've still got presents gotta go go go
Girl: But Santa look at this ass I've got
Santa: Ho Ho Ho, no no no, I've still got presents gotta go go go
Girl: But Santa look at the tits I have
Santa: Ho Ho Ho, no no no, still got presents gotta go go go
Girls: But Santa I sucked 100 dicks this year, got gangbanged by 200 other guys, I did all that practice to make sure you would have the time of your life..
Santa: ....
Santa: ....
Santa: Hey Hey Hey, gotta stay, can't go up the chimney with my dick this way
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last commentPlease add! But keep it brilliant!
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One for crazyjoe!
Crazyjoe goes on a vacation to Italy and goes to the hotel bathroom for his post-flight shit! Decides to have a long drink of water before he takes his shit! But the drinking fountain is too close to the floor so he goes to the lobby to complain! He storms into the lobby and asks the concierge "why the drinking fountain in the bathroom so low to the ground?"
Oh, Bidets! They're brilliant! :)
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m.youtube.com
Remember Crocodile Dundee?
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Two flies in an airing cupboard, which one is in the army?
The one on the tank.
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Lost in translation.
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Wot say, guvnor. Airing cupboard?
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The difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your dick down a girls throat.
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What did the balls say to the penis?
"How come you always get to go inside and have fun, and leave us outside knockin?"
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"The difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your dick down a girls throat."
Brilliant! :)
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On the other hand, the similarity between jam and jelly is that neither is a very good lubricant!
jam + liquid lap dance = not brilliant!
Jelly + liquid lap dance = not brilliant
I just wonder if lapdanceking82 has done the experiment!
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I had no idea what an "airing cupboard" was. I know now thanks to Google.
It's a funny joke but loses its effect when you have to use Google
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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
:|
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How are a burnt out light bulb and a stripper's boy friend alike?
They both don't work
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Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts
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Sex when camping is in tents.
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"Hey doc, sometimes I feel like a teepee and sometimes I feel like a wigwam"
"Relax", said the doc, "you're just two tents"
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Sorry guys, guess it's one of the British terms
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Who is the father of all jokes?
Pop Corn(y)!
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Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors they would have to call it a chicken sedan.
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A couple of engineering and science jokes:
Isaac Newton, Blaise Pascal and Albert Einstein were playing a game of hide and seek. Einstein was it to start. As Einstein started to count to 100 with his eyes closed, Pascal ran off to hide. Newton, on the other hand, picked up a stick, drew a square exactly one meter on each side and then stood in it. When Einstein stopped counting, he looked a said, "Aha! I have found you, Newton. You're it!"
Newton replied, "I beg to differ sir. What you found was a Newton over a square meter. You found one Pascal!"
Why do engineers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
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Husband comes home to a mopping wife.
"What's the problem? " he asked
Wife: I want a boob job my tits are too small
Husband: How much?
Wife: $5,000
Husband : Hell the fuck no, I know how you can get bigger tits for damn near free
Wife: Oh yea, How?
Husband : All you have to do is go into the bathroom get some tissue and rub it right between your tits, do this two to three times a day
Wife: What the fck? Are you sure that's going to make my tits bigger?
Husband : Hell yes, look what it's done to your ass
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Zebra dies goes to heaven meets St.Peter at the pearly gates.
St Pete: Welcome to heaven where all your questions are answered
Zebra: Good I've always wanted to know if I'm White with black stripes or if I'm Black with white stripes
St Pete: Wow, that's a good question, you're gonna have to ask the big guy himself for the answer
And with that the Zebra goes off to meet God. A few moments later St. Peter runs into the Zebra
St. Pete: So what did God say, are you White with black stripes or Black with white stripes
Zebra: Well I asked God, and he told me "You are what you are"
St Pete: Wait, what? No tell me exactly what happened
Zebra: I saw god and I asked "Dear lord I'd like to know am I White with black stripes or am I Black with white stripes?" And then God said "You are what you are "
St Peter hand to chon deep in thought
St. Pete: Hmm, I guess that means you're White with black stripes because if you were Black with white stripes he would have said "You is what you is"
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Just after God made Adam and Eve and left them in the Garden of Eden, he made a random visit to check up on things
God: Hey Adam how's it going and how are you liking the world?
Adam: Oh God, the world is such a wonderful place we have that big bright thingy up in the sky
God: Ya, that's the Sun, don't look directly into it you'll go blind
Adam: And the there's the moving things that make strange noises and crawl everywhere
God: Yep those are animals some are friendly some will bite you in the butt so be a little careful. By the way where's Eve?
Adam: Oh she said she was feeling a little icky and wanted to go into that big blue wet place over there.
God: Holy cap Adam! The Ocean, you let Eve go into the Ocean, Dammit Adam, now all the fish are going to smell that way!
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Figaro the greatest animal trainer in the world was performing one night. For his first act he put his head in the mouth of a Lion. Looks at the audience and says "Childs play"
His next act he get a hungry tiger stick his entire arm down it's throat, "I haven't even broken a sweat"
For his third and final death defying act he get an Alligator opens it's mouth, then he whips out his dick places it in the gators mouth, and he hits the Alligator in the head as hard as he can, but it never closes it's mouth. "You might think it's just this gator" Figaro yells, so he grabs a different gator, this one bigger than the first, opens mouth insets penis and hits the gator in the head as hard as he can, and the gator never closes it's mouth.
Figaro : If anyone in the audience is brave enough to try this I'll give them $2000
The audience is silent, until of in the distant a man stands up
Guy: OK Ok, I will try it, just don't hit me in my head so hard.
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Santa makes his way down a chimney to deliver a gift to a little girl who was on his Nice list. As he's places the present under the tree out walks the hottest 21 year old in sexy lingerie.
Girl: Hi Santa I decided this year I was going to give you something other than milk and cookies
Santa: Ho Ho Ho, no no no, I've still got presents gotta go go go
Girl: But Santa look at this ass I've got
Santa: Ho Ho Ho, no no no, I've still got presents gotta go go go
Girl: But Santa look at the tits I have
Santa: Ho Ho Ho, no no no, still got presents gotta go go go
Girls: But Santa I sucked 100 dicks this year, got gangbanged by 200 other guys, I did all that practice to make sure you would have the time of your life..
Santa: ....
Santa: ....
Santa: Hey Hey Hey, gotta stay, can't go up the chimney with my dick this way
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Is it brilliant or non-brilliant that GACAclub's Santa joke kind of turned me on?
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^^^ ummm, think that makes you kinda creepy , lol
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Check! The comment was non-brilliant! Consider it retracted! :)
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@4got ...I was Just kidding, I get a little turned on just telling that joke :)
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Don, the manager got memo from CEO. Gotta cut workforce.
Don had to either let go of his secretary or his sales guy - Jack.
Don tells his secretary - "Look, today I either have to lay you or jack off.
Secretary - "I have a headache. Better if you jack off."
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