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The New And Improved Catholic Church

SlickSpic
Check it out people. I went to my niece's first holy communion this Saturday and who am I greeted by but none other than church ushers who look more bouncers than ministers. Seriously, one usher looked like an extra from Sons of Anarchy. One usher looked like a squat Yakuza. And another usher looked like a DI-barrel chest, crew cut, high and tight, no humor.

Let me tell you that they ain't fucking around. These new ushers dog you hard until you tip a little extra in the collection basket. Heaven ain't cheap.

By the way. Lots of hot Catholic chicks in my parish. I might just start going to church again.

19 comments

Latest

motorhead
•
11 years ago
I might have to head West. It's been a few years since I've been to Mass, but the parishioners at my church are no where near what you described. The only people that attend church are old people with a few married couples in their late 30's early 40's with small children. Young singles from 18 to 34 avoid Mass like the plague.
crazyjoe
•
11 years ago
Get a lapper for me slick
ATACdawg
•
11 years ago
Slick and Moto, you guys should definitely try the Presbyterian Church! We actually recruit dancers to be our ushers, do evangelism in clubs, and fill our missionary positions.

I am one of the chosen frozen and you can trust me.
SuperDude
•
11 years ago
Pope Francis worked as a bouncer before he went to seminary.
Dougster
•
11 years ago
Yes, the new pope is cool. Catholic girls always hot, ready and willing - making up for lost ground when they were young I guess. :-)
lopaw
•
11 years ago
The only times I ever step inside of a church is either for a wedding or a funeral. And each time I'm amazed that when I walk in the place doesnt burst into flames and burn to the ground ;-)
georgmicrodong
•
11 years ago
Last time I was in a church, the pew I was sitting on started to char, so I left.
lopaw
•
11 years ago
@gmd-
Those who fart in church sit in their own pew.
sharkhunter
•
11 years ago
Slick, are you sure your local mafia isn't Catholic? They might be one and the same.

I don't care for people pressuring others for donations. I only see mostly old people in church. It seems like visiting an old folks home or nursing home when I go to church. Well except for trying to understand the priest speak English when he's from another country.
Clubber
•
11 years ago
lopaw,

Are you saying that the churches I walk into aren't suppose to burst into flames and burn to the ground?
sharkhunter
•
11 years ago
I was once asked to help with Christmas decorations in one church. After a fire started in the window during the service and everyone was watching, someone grabbed the end of the pine tree branch on fire and ran out of the building with it. I was never asked to help again. They also stopped using real candles in the windows. I helped point out the safety hazards without even much effort. It's a good thing they had me help right before the service. It only took 30 minutes for the branch to ignite. The flames were reaching one foot high before someone jumped up.
lopaw
•
11 years ago
Clubber-

You must be a fun church date!
Clubber
•
11 years ago
lopaw,

I am like you, on attendance. And very few of the first reason and the second, well, getting much more frequent.
Clackport
•
11 years ago
If I knew there would be hot girls in church, I would go to church a lot more often.
alabegonz
•
11 years ago
LOL. Eye candy.
alabegonz
•
11 years ago
One eye closed, one eye looking around the perimeter.

Mila Kunis at two o'clock, yeah!
georgmicrodong
•
11 years ago
@lopaw: I don't think I've ever farted in a church. I haven't spent long enough in one to have things affect me that way. :)
farmerart
•
11 years ago
My visits to churches are probably over. All recent weddings that I have attended have been breezy outdoor ceremonies. I like that trend. I have been at two church funerals in the last 10 years; my father's and the funeral of a beloved uncle. The next (and last) church funeral for me will be my Mom's service.

In Canada churches are exempt from property tax assessments. That really picks my ass.
motorhead
•
11 years ago
"In Canada churches are exempt from property tax assessments"

In the US also (in most states that I'm aware of)

The Amish hold church services in private homes on a rotating basis. Some of the wealthier Amish have started building huge "Amish mansions" and are trying to try get partial property tax exemptions claiming a certain percentage of the square footage is for the church services.

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