I need your help. Weird discussion for this site Serious replies only please
bossproducer
I am 40, married with 2 kids. My wife and I have not been sleeping in the same room for over 3 years now. I live the "perfect" upper middle class life , with the house and debt to go along with it. Our marriage of 20 years has become more of a friendship. We still have sex that we both like but she had an emotional affair 4 years ago which put a major dent into our relationship. We went to marriage counseling for years and still very much love each other but is definitely not the strong base we had years ago
This emotinal affair led me to strip clubs I used to frequent the clubs a lot this led to OTC partying which was great. My spouse never caught on. I loved the immediate albeit fake emotional gratification I received.
Well I startedthis sortof sugar daddy relationship with a 22 year old stripper in August. I paid her phone bill, part of her rent, visited her in and out of he club, basically unlimited sex. Basically OTC dream. She has some of the usual stripper baggage including th drug dealer boyfriend who just got out of jail, terrible abusive childhood, etc. Since I used to work in the music biz these are my kind of people so her past did not bother me. It fact it molded her into someone that I could relate my own issues of anxiety and depression with.
Our relationship at first was just about partying, going out and scandalizing people in the mall lol. (daddy kissing his daughter in public etc). Well she quit dancing in dec lost the loser boyfriend, and got a "real" job. I inevitably ran out of money in the beginning of the year and I thought this would be the end of our relationship
Well it didn't stop for the last three months we still see each other, even more often. She pays for me when I don't have the extra cash. For lack of a better description she has become my mistress I guess.
This new relationship has made the weakness of my marriage very clear and I plan to get legally separated. I still have love for my wife and especially my kids. She makes just as much money as I do so financially things will still be the same. After she gets her masters she will be making 4 times as much as me so money really isn't an issue. The kids are almost 18 so custody really isn't an issue. If this happens I will never get married again. Gene Simmons past philosophy of the endless boyfriend girlfriend will apply.
Now back to the former 22 year old dancer. Just to be clear I AM NOT SEPARATING FROM MY WIFE FOR THE DANCER ITS FOR ME This relationship is everything I pretty much want. Passionate. Exciting, everything I never had even when my wife and I started seeing each other. She doesn't want kids just wAnts to experience life. Sex with her is incredible as one might expect. She is fighting a drug habit that with my past doesn't really concern me too much. I assume wants she hits her late twenties early thirties she will lose her body sex drive etc but I am done trying to predict the future just want to enjoy the here and now
One thing I am concerned about is becoming the 60 year old who is all alone. It seems like so many divorced guys get remarried. Why is this the case? I have kids who I love and may make me a grand dad someday. I just no longer want this marriage. It seems to me women do everything they can to get a man (sex being fun etc). And that all goes away albeit gradually after they get married. Meanwhile we as men are stuck with our vows while not getting what we need. " I won't have sex with you husband but don't you dare cheat". Seems like our gender is getting the short end of the stick with this
Marriage concept. Is there a point where our (males) sex drive peters out too much and all we have left, or even want is the caring relationship with a long term wife? Guys who are as sexually active in their 70s like farmart are an exception. Based on this should I try to save my marriage and spare my kids the anguish that comes with a divorce?
Or is this all a midlife crisis? I am certain there has to be some men here that can relate and not judge me for straying from my wife. Should I become single again? Am I being a fool? The rhetorical questions go on and on. Clubbing to me was a way of filling a void, now that void has been filled by my ex stripper girlfriend. If I lose her I can always go back to the clubs. As we all know it pretty much costs the same amount of money as having a wife or girlfriend anyway. No specific questions just any serious thoughts or advice appreciate especially from the older crowd.
The reason I am posting this here is tha all my friends are her friends and most of my friends are woman who are inherently horrified at the thought of me dating a stripper. My shrinks are all females so they are all about saving the marriage. I need advice from guys who have been on the other side so to speak. Any thought appreciated and I am sure gatorfan does not give a fuck lol!
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As to whether you pursue anything with a Dancer or this Dancer, think about it hard.
Others here will possible tell you differently as they disagree with my stance on marriage & Strip Clubs.
Good Luck!
1. Get out of the marriage
2. Enjoy the stripper while you can
3. Don't try to plan your entire life ahead of time
4. Be real good to your kids, you'll need them in your old age
Disclaimer: don't come looking for me when your life goes to crap because you followed my lame advice.
Long ago, we knew that my sex drive was higher than hers. There are various reasons, both physical and emotional, for this state, and nothing we've tried has made any long term difference, at least not without unacceptable side effects.
Even before we were married, I made it clear that I was in no way, shape or form going to ever promise never to have sex with other people. There have been, and still are, albeit much less frequent, periods when she approaches my level, and during those times, I tended to stray less.
To be clear, my relationship with my wife is *full* of love, hugs, cuddles, laughs, good times, bad times, mutual support, friendship and all the other things, besides sex, that one associates (rightly or wrongly) with "marriage" in the U.S. I wish the sex were there, but it isn't, and I'm not willing to give up all the rest in order to look for a more "perfect" relationship. And she's given no indication that she's willing to give it up, either.
Fortunately, my CF/ATF doesn't want any of those things, just my money and my dick. Sure, I like her quite a bit, and we talk, and we have some limited form of friendship, but that's not why we're there, and we both know it. She's managed to keep my attention for a year and a half now, which frankly still amazes me sometimes, but it's still about the sex and pretty much only the sex.
In my case, complete honesty has been the rule. I'm honest with my wife about what I'm doing, even if I don't rub her face in it, and I'm honest with my "girlfriend" about what I'm after and how far I'm willing to go. It's worked well for me.
Hope that helps at least some.
I went through 27 years of being unhappy. I am now happier than I have ever been since before I got married. No I won't get married again. Not because I had such a bad marriage but rather because I don't see any reason to do it. My kids and grand kids give me all the love I need. I do not feel lonely even though I live alone.
Strip clubbing & strippers provide me with additional activities to keep me going. I am now getting the sex that was missing through most of my marriage and have enjoyed a couple of relationships with strippers that turned into legtimate friendships.
I just wish I had done it sooner.
That fact is the single great regret of my life. I really wish I had married and had a family. As I age the barren nature of my emotional life is more and more of a torture for me. You now have much of what I never had. Think long and hard before you cast it away and be brutally honest with yourself. Would you be experiencing the same anguish if this girl was NOT in your life?
As an aside, shadowcat is the 70 year old sexual athlete on tuscl. I am not quite at that age yet (63) and, though still happily active sexually with hot dancers, I am nowhere the sexual athlete that the old swordsman is proving himself to be!!
After that, you'll at least be making a more clear-headed decision, whichever way you decide.
I need to up my game I guess...
I guess it was indeed a serious question.
I think divorce is entering my head because of my current girlfriend. Hmmmm very relevent and thoughtful posts from all. Even juices provided a moment of comic relief.
I'm quite impressed with how farmerart, despite his enfeebled condition due to his advanced age, was able to hobble to the computer and peck out a coherent response. Good show!
Boss thanks for the love and good luck bro
I don't think you should be shocked. I think most of the married guys on here can identify with your situation to a greater or lesser degree, including, in some respects, myself.
My advice is to think long and hard about everything before making a decision.
What do you love about your wife?
What about her made you marry her in the first place?
What does she love about you?
What about you made you marry you in the first place?
Why did she stray?
What do you need to do to meet her needs?
What does she need to do (outside of sex) to meet your needs?
These are just some of the questions you need to sit down and ask yourself and her and have MANY good discussions.
If you are willing to put in the work, you may be able to save your marriage (if that is what you truly want). From some of what you say, I think you at least want to give it a shot. Focus on her and not the stripper. They will come and go. You will have to deal with your wife because of the kids, even after they are out of the house. If it doesn't work out, fine; but don't throw it out without giving it one last shot if you still love her.
As far as marriage is concerned, there is a lot of societal pressure to get married. Most of us cave to this, and that's why we did it in the first place. Naturally you two do love each other because you have shared so much in life. Since you have tried consuling, and didn't split at the first sign of trouble, I would say you did your "due diligence". That is huge.
I would suggest you free yourself of this unhappy union with a Dissolution, if recognized in your state. This is assuming you could afford to live on your own, with the debt. A divorce can be much more costly if she wants to contest it.
You can pay for nurses and therapists to take care of you in your old age. Likely for less than a wife costs.
Good luck!
This raised serious alarm bells...you're talking about a 22 year old who hasn't finished her undergrad who will, "when she gets her masters she will be making 4 times as much as me". Sorry, but many college graduates, both master & undergraduate, don't make shit for a few years if they can even find a job. Plus she says she has a drug habit...I'm not sure what drug is her choice but there aren't a whole lot of people who balance drugs & college studies in there life successfully.
Sorry but to be honest, this has "Greek tragedy" written all over it.
That started what I consider a bit of an addiction and that is truly what I believe any relationship with a stripper would be. I would never go in with the illusion that I could spend the rest of my life - or even a good part of it - with a stripper. Some of them are very sweet and they are generally beautiful, but let's face it, I'm there for the fantasy - and just like our married relationships - things fade over time.
Boss, have you tried talking to your wife. Maybe not in a lot of detail, but perhaps admit that you like going to the strip clubs. What would her reaction be? I have admitted it to my wife and she just shrugs and says "whatever".
I still love my wife and have had many of the same feelings you are describing. I hate the thought of ending up alone myself and so I worry a bit about the line between clubbing and cheating - but as my wife put it, "as long as you don't bring anyone or anything home". So my wife has become the "friend" I hang out and talk to in the evening, but when I'm feeling anxious, I head to the club.
I also belive that fate has a tendency to work out as it is intended to.
I'm not sure where it will all lead, but I appreciate the post - it lets me know that there are many of us neurotics out here.
Ditto on the kids.
Eventually she came to a different conclusion. If it requires all that work, she now says, then maybe it's not a very good relationship.
It's a judgment call. Figuring out whether you're on one side of the line or the other is absolutely and only a gut instinct. Is it worth resurrecting or not? Is it more positive than negative, more negative than positive? Who the fuck knows ...
See a REAL counselor. It is NOT the case that there is "nowhere to turn" but an internet board. There are counselors who take your case at fifteen bucks an hour, people who take you over the phone, people who listen at churches and community centers and even some workplaces, paid care-givers and professional care-giver-therapists and just open ears and wise old men and ugly old ladies and everything in between. The 'net is a decent resource because of the variety of viewpoints, but it's a poor resource because it's unedited, the care-givers and advice-givers are generally inexpert (and some won't admit that fact, instead seeking to hide the fact that they're just spouting bullshit out of their asses, for a mild ego gratification), and because people who hang out on the internet are the sort of people who don't have better places to hang out.
Get with your buddies on a sports team. Call an old college chum and go on a hiking trip with him. Hang out with the crazy single old widower on the street, you know the guy, the one who spends all his time on that amazing model train set up in his attic, have a chat with him. Call someone else's chaplain or rabbi or social worker. Write a long letter to Dear Abby (hell, don't POST it, just WRITE it!). Ask your dog for advice. There are plenty of places to turn ...
Best wishes man! Sounds like it's kinda eatin' you up inside. Hope that any resolution can help you out eventually!