I need your help. Weird discussion for this site Serious replies only please

29 comments

• bossproducer

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  12 years ago

  Please excuse any typos I am posting this from a phone.
• Alucard

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  12 years ago

  I'm unmarried & never married. Your marriage sounds as if though it is not a marriage in the accepted manner any longer. In your shoes I'd end it. As to whether you pursue anything with a Dancer or this Dancer, think about it hard. Others here will possible tell you differently as they disagree with my stance on marriage & Strip Clubs. Good Luck!
• Ermita_Nights

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  12 years ago

  Holy cow. Reminds me of myself when I was younger. You'd think I'd have learned something and have some wise advice. I understand what you're saying about having someone to grow old with but I don't think your current marriage is tenable, so getting out seems like a good plan. But I wouldn't count on keeping the stripper for the rest of your life either. So my gut feeling, which could be completely wrong, is: 1. Get out of the marriage 2. Enjoy the stripper while you can 3. Don't try to plan your entire life ahead of time 4. Be real good to your kids, you'll need them in your old age Disclaimer: don't come looking for me when your life goes to crap because you followed my lame advice.
• georgmicrodong

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  12 years ago

  Sex is a crappy reason to get married, and it's an even worse reason to get divorced. I've held that opinion since high school. I can't offer you any advice, but I can tell you about my relationship with my wife. Maybe some of it is applI able to you, and maybe not. Use it if you can, ignore it if you can't. Long ago, we knew that my sex drive was higher than hers. There are various reasons, both physical and emotional, for this state, and nothing we've tried has made any long term difference, at least not without unacceptable side effects. Even before we were married, I made it clear that I was in no way, shape or form going to ever promise never to have sex with other people. There have been, and still are, albeit much less frequent, periods when she approaches my level, and during those times, I tended to stray less. To be clear, my relationship with my wife is *full* of love, hugs, cuddles, laughs, good times, bad times, mutual support, friendship and all the other things, besides sex, that one associates (rightly or wrongly) with "marriage" in the U.S. I wish the sex were there, but it isn't, and I'm not willing to give up all the rest in order to look for a more "perfect" relationship. And she's given no indication that she's willing to give it up, either. Fortunately, my CF/ATF doesn't want any of those things, just my money and my dick. Sure, I like her quite a bit, and we talk, and we have some limited form of friendship, but that's not why we're there, and we both know it. She's managed to keep my attention for a year and a half now, which frankly still amazes me sometimes, but it's still about the sex and pretty much only the sex. In my case, complete honesty has been the rule. I'm honest with my wife about what I'm doing, even if I don't rub her face in it, and I'm honest with my "girlfriend" about what I'm after and how far I'm willing to go. It's worked well for me. Hope that helps at least some.
• shadowcat

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  12 years ago

  I will be happy to give you the name of the African-America FEMALE physiatrist that confinced me to put my fears(kids, finances)behind me and get a divorce. I went through 27 years of being unhappy. I am now happier than I have ever been since before I got married. No I won't get married again. Not because I had such a bad marriage but rather because I don't see any reason to do it. My kids and grand kids give me all the love I need. I do not feel lonely even though I live alone. Strip clubbing & strippers provide me with additional activities to keep me going. I am now getting the sex that was missing through most of my marriage and have enjoyed a couple of relationships with strippers that turned into legtimate friendships. I just wish I had done it sooner.
• farmerart

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  12 years ago

  I am going to venture a comment or two even though I have never been married or even had any kind of a relationship with a woman other than a commercial sexual one. That fact is the single great regret of my life. I really wish I had married and had a family. As I age the barren nature of my emotional life is more and more of a torture for me. You now have much of what I never had. Think long and hard before you cast it away and be brutally honest with yourself. Would you be experiencing the same anguish if this girl was NOT in your life? As an aside, shadowcat is the 70 year old sexual athlete on tuscl. I am not quite at that age yet (63) and, though still happily active sexually with hot dancers, I am nowhere the sexual athlete that the old swordsman is proving himself to be!!
• hakanlube

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  12 years ago

  This probably isn't what you want to hear, but break things off with the dancer for a few months before you make a decision about your marriage. I know you said you aren't leaving your wife for the dancer, but pussy can be blinding even if you know it's not there long term. After that, you'll at least be making a more clear-headed decision, whichever way you decide.
• JuiceBox69

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  12 years ago

  Damn !
• bobvz

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  12 years ago

  Can't handle it Juice!!
• Leonard313

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  12 years ago

  Damn. Why can't I score a hot 20 year old stripper. Granted I've never offered to pay phone bills and rent...but still. I'm only 37...these dudes are practically elderly and they're banging hot young tail in exchange for a cell phone?? I need to up my game I guess...
• motorhead

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  12 years ago

  Damn. I can't believe anyone had the patience to read it all. I will later. And I'm equally impressed at the length of the responses. I guess it was indeed a serious question.
• bossproducer

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  12 years ago

  I am shocked and grateful for all the responses. Ohio has made a very strong point about me lying to myself about the 22 yo ex stripper. I need to read the posts and absorb all this good info. A lot of perspectives here and excellent advice will consider all of it. I think divorce is entering my head because of my current girlfriend. Hmmmm very relevent and thoughtful posts from all. Even juices provided a moment of comic relief.
• steve229

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  12 years ago

  "Guys who are as sexually active in their 70s like farmart are an exception." I'm quite impressed with how farmerart, despite his enfeebled condition due to his advanced age, was able to hobble to the computer and peck out a coherent response. Good show!
• JuiceBox69

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  12 years ago

  Bobv lol no no I can not handel this lol Boss thanks for the love and good luck bro
• jester214

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  12 years ago

  Consider separating from both of them, see how you feel for a while. Then make a more permanent decision.
• georgmicrodong

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  12 years ago

  @bossproducer: "I am shocked and grateful for all the responses." I don't think you should be shocked. I think most of the married guys on here can identify with your situation to a greater or lesser degree, including, in some respects, myself.
• bossproducer

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  12 years ago

  Btw sorry farmart for the mix up.
• rh48hr

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  12 years ago

  Boss - You have received some good advice in the previous posts. My advice is to think long and hard about everything before making a decision. What do you love about your wife? What about her made you marry her in the first place? What does she love about you? What about you made you marry you in the first place? Why did she stray? What do you need to do to meet her needs? What does she need to do (outside of sex) to meet your needs? These are just some of the questions you need to sit down and ask yourself and her and have MANY good discussions. If you are willing to put in the work, you may be able to save your marriage (if that is what you truly want). From some of what you say, I think you at least want to give it a shot. Focus on her and not the stripper. They will come and go. You will have to deal with your wife because of the kids, even after they are out of the house. If it doesn't work out, fine; but don't throw it out without giving it one last shot if you still love her.
• Dougster

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  12 years ago

  The 22 year old stripper will be gone in time. What you do with your wife should be quite independent of what's going on with the stripper. A complete non factor in whether should or should want to try and save your marriage.
• HonestT

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  12 years ago

  There probably is some part midlife crisis, and the balance being the weakened marriage. As far as marriage is concerned, there is a lot of societal pressure to get married. Most of us cave to this, and that's why we did it in the first place. Naturally you two do love each other because you have shared so much in life. Since you have tried consuling, and didn't split at the first sign of trouble, I would say you did your "due diligence". That is huge. I would suggest you free yourself of this unhappy union with a Dissolution, if recognized in your state. This is assuming you could afford to live on your own, with the debt. A divorce can be much more costly if she wants to contest it. You can pay for nurses and therapists to take care of you in your old age. Likely for less than a wife costs. Good luck!
• Bishop4224

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  12 years ago

  "She makes just as much money as I do so financially things will still be the same. After she gets her masters she will be making 4 times as much as me so money really isn't an issue" This raised serious alarm bells...you're talking about a 22 year old who hasn't finished her undergrad who will, "when she gets her masters she will be making 4 times as much as me". Sorry, but many college graduates, both master & undergraduate, don't make shit for a few years if they can even find a job. Plus she says she has a drug habit...I'm not sure what drug is her choice but there aren't a whole lot of people who balance drugs & college studies in there life successfully. Sorry but to be honest, this has "Greek tragedy" written all over it.
• bossproducer

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  12 years ago

  Actually it will be my wife getting the masters and making four times as much as me. Sorry for the confusion. This is why I am not too worried about finances
• sharkhunter

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  12 years ago

  I would wait for your wife to be making 4 times as much as you. If you get separated at that point, your financial situation will be much better I believe. Besides if you give it more time, things may get better with some couseling. I'd also talk to a finanial divorce advisor if you're serious about getting divorced because divorces get nasty fast and seeking revenge by taking money, making you pay child support etc. etc. can and do happen to guys in the marriages whether it is fair or not. I'm single and thinking about financial impacts.
• sharkhunter

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  12 years ago

  I would look for a male divorce advisor if you are serious and would do that before speaking to the wife. However I am not married. I've heard that advice is only as good as what you pay for it. This is free advise. Remember the choice is yours so don't let someone talk you into something you don't want. You could end up all alone with no wife, angry kids not talking to you, and no stripper interested in you either.
• sharkhunter

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  12 years ago

  Maybe I should say I would want an experienced advisor with credentials, not someone who just graduated.
• bossproducer

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  12 years ago

  Once again guys, thank you all for comin through. I have decided to take a break from both of them for a couple of months. See how i feel afterwards. My wife has agreed to this and as was pointed out before the ex stripper will always be there. my kids are what are most important to me right now
• Revolution

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  12 years ago

  The whole reason I started in this scene is because my wife of 25 years has decided she no longer likes sex - or even affectionate physical contact anymore. I did a lot of research on ways to bring her back - including a lot of effort on my part for therapy, celebacy, apathy and whatever other "y" you can think of. The greatest irony is that I simply made a (serious) joke about going to see the strippers once and my wife actually looked me dead in the eye and said she thought it was a good idea. That started what I consider a bit of an addiction and that is truly what I believe any relationship with a stripper would be. I would never go in with the illusion that I could spend the rest of my life - or even a good part of it - with a stripper. Some of them are very sweet and they are generally beautiful, but let's face it, I'm there for the fantasy - and just like our married relationships - things fade over time. Boss, have you tried talking to your wife. Maybe not in a lot of detail, but perhaps admit that you like going to the strip clubs. What would her reaction be? I have admitted it to my wife and she just shrugs and says "whatever". I still love my wife and have had many of the same feelings you are describing. I hate the thought of ending up alone myself and so I worry a bit about the line between clubbing and cheating - but as my wife put it, "as long as you don't bring anyone or anything home". So my wife has become the "friend" I hang out and talk to in the evening, but when I'm feeling anxious, I head to the club. I also belive that fate has a tendency to work out as it is intended to. I'm not sure where it will all lead, but I appreciate the post - it lets me know that there are many of us neurotics out here. Ditto on the kids.
• georgmicrodong

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  12 years ago

  @Revolution: Welcome to the club. Honesty really does work sometimes, doesn't it? :)
• Book Guy

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  12 years ago

  I have a long-time female friend who is an ex-lover, a best friend, a great woman, a good person. She went through a ten-year marriage, and she worked on it the whole way, taking care to do what was best for her husband, trying to make sure he could understand how to maker her happy in the way she was trying to come to understand how to make him happy, etc. etc.. Good relationships are worth working on, she used to say. Eventually she came to a different conclusion. If it requires all that work, she now says, then maybe it's not a very good relationship. It's a judgment call. Figuring out whether you're on one side of the line or the other is absolutely and only a gut instinct. Is it worth resurrecting or not? Is it more positive than negative, more negative than positive? Who the fuck knows ... See a REAL counselor. It is NOT the case that there is "nowhere to turn" but an internet board. There are counselors who take your case at fifteen bucks an hour, people who take you over the phone, people who listen at churches and community centers and even some workplaces, paid care-givers and professional care-giver-therapists and just open ears and wise old men and ugly old ladies and everything in between. The 'net is a decent resource because of the variety of viewpoints, but it's a poor resource because it's unedited, the care-givers and advice-givers are generally inexpert (and some won't admit that fact, instead seeking to hide the fact that they're just spouting bullshit out of their asses, for a mild ego gratification), and because people who hang out on the internet are the sort of people who don't have better places to hang out. Get with your buddies on a sports team. Call an old college chum and go on a hiking trip with him. Hang out with the crazy single old widower on the street, you know the guy, the one who spends all his time on that amazing model train set up in his attic, have a chat with him. Call someone else's chaplain or rabbi or social worker. Write a long letter to Dear Abby (hell, don't POST it, just WRITE it!). Ask your dog for advice. There are plenty of places to turn ... Best wishes man! Sounds like it's kinda eatin' you up inside. Hope that any resolution can help you out eventually!