Girl died last week ....

So this happened in Miami? Care to mention the club?

No, didn't happen in Miami. I vacation in Miami Beach live in the northeast ...

In the early 1980's, I befriended a porn actress/stripper named Summer. Her roomate, became a porn star named Savannah. In the early 1990's, Savannah was the number one porn actress. In 1994, her life quickly unraveled (combination family/drug problems). She suddenly took her life with a gun.

Her death really rocked me. Yeah, I'd seen her nude in person, but I'd also sat in her kitchen and told jokes with her. I knew her non porn persona.

When a guy takes his lfe, we say that he took the coward's way out. When a female takes her life, we say it's tragic because females are nurturers and caretakers.

You don't know all her issues. A number of porn actresses have taken their lives, but it's been because of drug issues.

I had just started seven years of counseling and therapy when Savannah took her life. I had guilt, but far more survivor's guilt because I had survived military missions where others didn't.

Therefore I suggest the following:

If you can afford it, see a shrink (300 per hour).

If you can't, go to a church and ask about counseling (it's free).

Eventually, though, as part of your treatment, you're going to have to go back to a strip joint. Don't go to hers because that would be too overwhelming, and damaging. After several trips, you'll find that your experience was onetime fluke.

I do heavily recommend the counseling/shrink visit because you might have more than survivor's guilt.

Get some help, if you feel you need it, but take realism approach. You didn't kill her, you didn't provide her the drugs, you just had a nice time with her.

But really, suck it up, this is not on you. We are not responsible for the lives of every girl we fuck.

It may sound cold, but unless you were directly involved, it is not something for you to get worried about.

if you cannot keep an emotional detachment from strippers, then you need to stay out of clubs.

I'm saddened to hear your story and I offer my sympathies for your pain. Take care of yourself.

Thanks for the replies/comments,

For the record, I really don't feel like I have an emotional attachment to any of the girls, this was just something that made me stop and think about the entire club scene I guess.

Nothing you did contributed to her demise. I understand your sympathies towards her, but please try to avoid guilty feelings over this.

I am very sorry to hear that. For all of our coarse comments here, many of form bonds of affection for the girls we see in the clubs. Unfortunately, many of the girls are working out issues, and some of them are on a downward trajectory in life.

My SO has taught me a great deal about drug addicts. She was an addict on the streets of Philly for 4 years. Her mom died of a heroin overdose when my SO was 5 years old. She also had friends in Philly who suffered overdoses, and she had a friend who died of complications from a needle-caused blood infection. In all of these cases, the addiction was stronger than anything else in their lives. They did all kinds of things to get money for drugs. Stripping, prostituting, stealing. Who provided them the money was of little consequence. If not someone in a club, then someone else on the street; or a pawn shop, or by panhandling, or by ripping off their friends.

So I think it is right to grieve. But I don't think it is right to feel guilty unless you put the drugs in her hands.

Having said that, I also have the personal experience of being with a person who was addicted, and I did everything I could to prevent it and to help turn it around. It took a huge effort; it hurt my career and was a factor in the failure of my marriage. But it was worth it. So if you find yourself where you know, and you can do something, that is the time to either get in or get out.

As for strip clubs, I still go, but I'm not a passive participant, and I'm not shy about giving advice to girls who seem to be in need. But I'm under no illusion that I can save them.

There's nothing wrong about being human about things, but counselors and psychologists say you shouldn't worry about events you have no control over. Concern is natural, but worry is not called for when we don't have any input or control of the situation. Guilt is an extension of worry, so you shouldn't feel guilty about things you have no control over either.

You don't say how old you are. If you're younger, you may not be hardened to life enough yet. It's a process. If you're older, no offense intended.

I've been acquainted with four dancers who died, two by natural causes, one by accident and one suicide. It is rough when someone you come into contact with on a regular or semi-regular basis passes away. In one of these cases I did feel a heavy degree of guilt for a variety of reasons. I've got over it. You just need to put things into perspective.

The lesson in all this: you can have fun and still treat everybody as a fellow human being. I'm always amazed about some of the cruel bashing of dancers that comes from a small minority on this forum. They are service workers we all appreciate. In the final analysis, we're all human.

I think this is a very sad situation but I would not give up going to strip clubs forever. Not all of them are filled with junkies working.

cube,

Let it go. Nothing to do with you.

Sorry to hear about your gal. Many of these gals die young. Others live in the fast lane like they have a death wish. It is always very sad to hear when one passes. I know of one ATF who died in a car wreck and she was prob only 24. I had seen her at two different clubs, she was always fun to get dances with and was very nice. I could tell she was a caring mother bc she talked about her kid a lot. I hope when I pass, I somehow see her again. I had visited that club frequently and knew a lot of the girls. When its a gal you know well with a lot to live for (like her kids) it really hits home. I sometimes believe when they sign on upstairs for this incarnation, a long life is just not in the package / gameplan for a lot of them. Like an English sailor with his "God bless the Queen toast" I will have my own moment of silence for these gals when I first settle in at a SC with a drink. They are there at the club for us night and day and their valiant efforts in doing what they do deserve to be honored.

Known 5 dancers who died. 4 drug related: 2 OD, 2 suicide. One was domestic violence. I knew 2 of the 5 pretty well; it's an event that causes you to pause and express your sorrow even if you didn't know her well. The death of ones you know are more difficult to process of course.

Recognize that the chick who will be grinding on your lap later tonight is a human life. Don't forget to give her a genuine hug after you're done dancing...even if she's a R.O.B. Who knows, it might keep her from offing herself later in the dark corridors of addiction.

[i]Recognize that the chick who will be grinding on your lap later tonight is a human life. Don't forget to give her a genuine hug after you're done dancing...even if she's a R.O.B. Who knows, it might keep her from offing herself later in the dark corridors of addiction.[/i]

that is a great damned comment! I am hardened from years of these kind of women, but regardless of what I think of some of them, they should be appreciated for what they do, it is not an easy job! (look at some of the guys in the clubs!)

If a dancer dies, in many cases I probably would not even know about it unless she was one of my favorites and she had dancer friends in the club who knew it and would tell me. You did not cause the drug overdose so you're not to blame. I rarely ever hear about someone at a strip club dying but it does happen sometimes. I remember a waitress at one club died. I forgot the reason. I believe in the same club, one dancer was murdered (not at the club but in her apartment or somewhere). I was wondering if the dancer had danced for me recently the weekend she was killed but I don't remember anymore. Actually at the time, it's hard to know who died because usually papers do not post pictures, stage names at strip clubs, and real names all together so everyone can figure it out who may have gotten dances. I try to remember to be nice to people because you never know when it could be your last day or their last day. Some dancers often don't work longer than a few days to a week at some clubs, so it could easily be the last time you see some dancers. I remember I enjoyed one dancer a good deal since our chemistry clicked together. However she only worked at the club a few weeks and then I never saw her again. Unfortunately that was not long enough for me to remember her well. I think I don't remember things well if I'm tired or only hours away from going to sleep.

I myself have known two who died and there's probably more than that that I don't know about. One was a suicide and one was a drug overdose, and perhaps that was really a suicide, but the official story I got was a drug overdose. It was rough when those events happened but I got over it eventually.

The thing I personally worry about is that there is one specific dancer at my favorite club I've bought dances from (and they were low mileage which sucked). This particular dancer got her name in the press for getting busted for methamphetamine possession. It's fairly amazing she continues to dance there considering everyone seems to know of her drug habit and legal issues (thanks to banging the owner). How are you supposed to deal with that?

The more people you know, the more people you'll know who suddenly die in accidents or due to other causes. If you avoid the possibility of getting hurt, you'll miss out on all the people you could have known and I think that is a bigger tragedy.

Cube, you are a human being. These feelings of guilt, grief, and remorse are what make you human. If these feelings are overwhelming, dudester's advice to seek therapy is wise.

Twice in my business life I had to deal with the accidental death of employees (my company was oil exploration and production). Those deaths will haunt me until I die. I worked my way through these tragedies by involving myself in the lives of the surviving families to whatever degree the survivors accepted. One family accepted my financial help for many years and the other accepted financial and emotional help. For a little daughter in that family I became a surrogate uncle. I proposed the toast to the bride at her wedding years after the terrible accident.

Cube. step back from clubbing for a while. See how your feelings evolve. If you choose to seek therapy be brutally honest with the therapist and yourself.

Best wishes.

cube242, I also wish you well as you try to heal from this tragedy. And I also echo everyone else's belief that you should talk it out to someone you trust, even a professional, as you deal with this loss. Finally, please don't blame yourself Godspeed.

I know of only one girl who died; it was of an OD. Didn't see her the year before she died because she moved to another club, but everyone who was a regular at her old club knew her because she was sexy as hell. What can you do besides patronize her work and try to be friendly and, possibly, give good advice if she asks for it?

If I may make an observation: I have never seen an outpouring of support, and an indication that TUSCL is indeed a community of people, until this thread. cube242, I thank you for that as well.

i totally agree to all above , i hope you can overcome this , a lot guys who don't clubing say , what they doing with your money , after it goes from my hand to theirs i can't control it , not my bezwax don't want too know its theirs they did the work for it

Thank you to everyone for your honest and kind words. I think I decided to sit back and process it for a little while and see how I feel. If I still feel crappy I'm going to start out by talking with a priest that I trust.

I lost my cousin to a heroin overdose when I was 16. She was 17 at the time. I'll never forget seeing that beautiful girl in the casket. Don't have much else to say about it honestly.

BTW, I am in my late 20s, didn't do much clubbing until 2-3 years ago when a girl that I cared about left me. It was a pretty bad period in my life. I only really go to two clubs in Miami when I travel there every summer, and the one club locally where this happened.

Sharkhunter brought up the issue of the girl's names .... well the local club I go to posts updates about what is going on at their club via facebook everyday. Most of the strippers working at the club are listed as facebook friends using their real names.(Yea, no rocket scientists I guess!) I went on the other day to see what was going on at the club that night and some of the dancers were posting RIP messages to her stage name. Real name was in the local obits the next morning.

Thank you everyone

There was a dancer who I'd seen a few times on stage at Mardi Gras here in Atlanta -- stage name Eliza, real name Lexis. We finally hooked up and had a lot of fun, in every aspect. The next time I was at the club, I was hanging with 2 other dancers that I've known for a while when Eliza came by and gave me a hug. She acknowledged that I was with others and asked if I wanted her to stop by later. I was kinda half-hearted in my response, because I was pretty sure I was going to spend all of my time (and money) that night on the two that I was already with. (And such was the case)

The *next* time that I was at the club, I wanted to be sure to tell Eliza that I wasn't blowing her off before. I asked for her at the door, and the girl there told me that she had been killed in a traffic accident the previous night. Even though it was an accident (so I know my semi-blow-off didn't affect it), I still felt like shit.

It's forever colored the way that I treat dancers now - kinda like mmdv's "Recognize ..." comment.

Sad story, LeeH. Tomorrow really isn't promised for anyone, is it?