21 Tips for Going Alone to a Strip Club

For as long as there have been establishments offering live nude girls, groups of men have found their way in. But what about the solo hound and the stigma of going to the strip club alone? If you're thinking about flying solo at the strip club and have never done so, you're in luck, because I often fly solo to these establishments and would like to share twenty-one tips from my experience with you. And I hope they make your solo experience a very good one. (Note: The strip club I'm referencing is Sensations Cabaret in Stuart, FL) 1. You're not a loser for going to strip club alone. If a store sold video games, and you liked video games and you went by yourself and bought a game or two, does that make you a loser? Of course not. You just like video games and they sell them there. And if you like live and attractive naked girls in person, well then, you go to the strip club because that's where they have them! Plenty of guys with girlfriends and wives (love 'em or cheaper to keep 'er) go to the strip club, they just go in groups, but they are there for the same reason you are. You're just flying solo, and trust me, management is not treating you any differently. You will probably be approached heavy by strippers, but carry an air of confidence and maintain your focus and you'll have no sweat dealing with them (we go over this later, gentlemen). You're not a loser. You're a hound flying solo. Don't ever forget that. 2. You shouldn't count on more than one hand the number of times you go to the strip club solo in a year. Bet you though I was going to tell you how to do this on the regs? Nope. Strip club visiting isn't something you should do consistently. Not every week, not every month, like every three months. You want to go reeeeeally fucking bad, but just wait. Rub one out to some porn, play Halo, do something to calm your itch long enough to not, fucking, go! Strip clubs are places where good financial sense goes to die a sudden and spectacular death (Think Gordon Smiley hitting the wall. Google that shit and you'll understand). It's also good not good to go often because strip clubs have very high turnover. To keep your erection you need a new girl, and the management knows this. But if you go every week you will run into the same girls and then you'll be walking around with a giant "REGULAR" sign hanging above your head. But go every three months (you get a pass for your birthday) and you'll have a new batch of freshman honeys roaming the halls. 3. Day shift sucks. Spring for the night shift. At the club I go to, the cover on day shift is free and a beer is $3. But the girls are either... A: Tatted like sailors B: Aging like milk with freakish fake tits. C: Pretty, but playing with their phones while smoking at the bar wearing their tops AND bottoms It's a graveyard. I've done both shifts man. You can hear the buzzards circling above the main stage. Remember how (not) often we go to the strip club? So cover is $10 and a beer is now $6. But the standard of currency is STILL a $1 bill and the girls on night shift are more plenty and much hotter, with the chance of an outlier (stripper way too hot for the area) yours for the taking. 4. Avoid UFC and Boxing Pay-Per-Views. Yes, the strip club will have the fight, and yes, the price of everything will be jacked up and there will be a ton of road-raging alpha-males wearing Tapout and looking for a fight. Go on a night during a sexy NFL or college game (don't know about going during the Super Bowl, honestly. Never have), or NBA Finals. The turnout is better but without the machismo bullshit and the prices should be the usual at night. They may even have gameday specials but those are catered more to groups, not the solo flyer, so I tend avoid them when going solo. 5. Leave your card(s) at home. In fact, while we're sitting here, forget you have a bank account. Make like a drug dealer and consider yourself a cash only entity. Once you do the responsible grown-up thing and cover your bills, now you have the money you saved for the night. So you... 1. Get your card(s) 2. Hit up the ATM 3. Take out only what you planned to spend 4. Drop your card(s) back off at your pad 5. Leave without your card(s) In my county strip club (which is pretty nice given the area) night cover is $10, the two beers is $6 each and a dance is usually a two-for-one at $25. Your prices will be higher if you're in a bigger city so plan accordingly, but with those prices and knowing what you'e doing just $120 can lead to a wonderful night at this strip club. You do have to bring your wallet, just without your card(s) in it (the wallet will come in handy later, it also has your ID in it, which you have to have when you drive anyway). But of course... 6. Once in, once out. That dream lap dance you just got? Her tits were HOW big???!!! Glad you enjoyed it. But don't go home and visit the ATM for another round of cash for a return trip. Then you're just a sucker. And if you left WITH the card(s) then there's no help for you. 7. Hide your valuables in the glove box or out of plain view in your ride. There's a bridge that runs up to the strip club in my county. One night, me and some amigos went for a night run on the bridge and stopped at the end across from the club parking lot. We were then approached by a cop who asked if we saw anyone "break into a car". Some dude busted a car window and took a girl's purse. Lock your shit up and out of sight. 8. Turn your phone on silent and make sure it won't do anything funny before you go in the club. So you don't want to leave your phone in your ride and risk getting it stolen (and you need your phone on you; shit happens), unless you have an on call job (some guys do) put it on silent and make sure it won't do any funny business. I read a post tell a story of how a guy had his phone out and set to flash when he got a text message, and a girl though he was snapping a picture of her, grabbed it, and threw it against the back wall. Strippers are as predictable as the stock market. Don't take any chances. You can address any missed calls later and you shouldn't be playing with your phone anyway with all that eye candy prancing around. Or watching ESPN on the TV for that matter. 9. Carry your singles in your hand, and leave larger denominations in your wallet. She's beautiful and she's doing an amazing trick. You reach into your wallet of singles to reward her for her effort with an extra dollar and find out, to your horror, that you just tipped her a $10 bill. OUCH! The girl before you walk in will take your cover and then change you out how many singles you need. You can get the whole stack in singles if you want,, but if you're going to walk around with larger bills keep them in your wallet and your singles in your hand, so when you tip from your hand you know you are only giving away a single, and when you run out of singles and want to get more or buy a beer, you can go into your wallet, pay the barkeep with the big bills and/or ask for the change in singles, if they have it it in the till. (The bar also works as a change-out, management moves the money around so don't worry about it. It's a standard industry practice.) 10. Don't make it rain. Are you a starter in the NBA? Do you have a net worth? If you answered yes to any of these questions feel free to pass on this one but, I know I'm not, soooo...I don't do this. Tipping every staff member $20, hyper-flicking singles on top of girls during their second song and keeping bottle service coming makes you feel like a rap mogul but really makes you look like an ass. Like my Dad always says, "There's what you need, there's what you want, and there's what you can't afford." It's already bad enough you're in the biggest money vacuum in your county, try to remain calm. Which leads to my next finding... 11. You're money goes pretty far for what you're doing, as long as you stay focused and out of the "sucker fantasy" zone. A girl dances for three songs. The first song is top and bottoms, the second song the top comes off, and the third song, the bottoms come off. Since you're here on a night shift there are more tipping customers on the rail so she won't be coming back to you over and over like a piggy bank (which happens during the dead day shift). You tip a single per song (sometimes I tip two singles for the final song if I really like the girl or she does a cool trick). $3-4 for a full stage performance. If you see her out and about and she talks to you a little, tip her a single as she goes on her way. Using this method you can get a full performance out of a lot of girls and quality time with one here and there and still have some left over for a dance. The sucker zone is a slippery slope. If you forget that she's just a saleswoman and you're just a mark you can see your stack blown faster than Gordon Smiley's car (still haven't Googled it?). You're trying to make your money last (without being a rock, of course, which we'll also address later). And if she comes around and clam traps you, see the next piece of advice. 12. When telling a girl you don't want a dance, thank her for her time, leave it up in the air, and leave her with a tip. Clam trapping is real, especially with the Thai strippers. If this happens remain calm. She wants a dance, not your autobiography. So cut her to the chase. Ask her how much for a dance. She'll tell you, and then say "Well, maybe I'll get a dance from you later, but I'm good for right now.", and pull out a tip to go in her g-string. She should get up and walk away. If she continues to clam trap you, just ignore her. She'll get the message. And if she STILL clam traps you... 13. As long as you aren't an asshole, management is in your corner. You are a customer. The girls are not. As long as you're polite and you really tried everything to resolve a situation yourself, state your case to one of the male staffers and they'll usually fix it on your behalf or get management to talk with you about it. Be calm, respectful and polite, and they'll usually fix it for you. You don't have to tip them, but you can always offer. But don't insist, if they pass on the tip just let them be on their way. 14. The three big rules (as told by a bouncer)... The first time I was done at one of these (it was a smaller, titty bar in another town) I said to myself, "Ya' know, I may wanna' come back to this kind of place someday." I didn't know proper etiquette so I searched for the bouncer. I found an older man, slightly-shorter-than-average that looked like he could stomp the holy piss out of me (he also had the club logo on his shirt). I remember the conversation... Me: Are you the bouncer? Bouncer: (pause and facial gesture) When I have to be. Me: I really liked it here. What do I do to not get thrown out of a place like this? Bouncer: (another pause and facial gesture) One, don't be rude. Two, don't touch the girls. And three, have a good time. It's not finding her G-spot guys. It's really that simple. 15. Before asking for a dance, specifically ask if what you really want to do is OK. I'm a natural boob guy. More than a handful is a must and they can never be too big. So when I see a girl with tig ol' natural bitties, I ask about a dance. We talk for a second and then I go into her ear and ask, "Can I play with your boobs?" If I get a "No", I pass. If I get a "Yes", my stack becomes lighter. But no matter what your thing is during a dance you have to ask for your thing spec-if-ic-al-ly, unless it's way out of the question. Don't be vague because then you'll pay for a dance and if it's not cool with her, then you don't get what you paid for. 16. Enjoy the fantasy, but don't act in an unnatural way. Strip clubs are the ultimate fantasy. As long as you have money you have lovely naked ladies on your every word, and as long as the money is it for her she gives you the GFE minus the V. And sure, you can act any way you want, but letting it all go to your head and acting in a way that isn't yourself is just going to make you look like you're swinging at cheese outside of the strike zone. The best way to be at a strip club is genuine. Smile back when they smile at you, tip them if they hug you, wink after they say bye. It's all a game. Play the game. Just don't be a sucker. 17. DO tip your bartender and bathroom guy. Yep. There's a bartender. And yep. There's a bathroom guy. But if you make use of their services, DO tip. Just a single or two will do. I mean, the bathroom guy DID hand your wet hands a dry towel, ya' know. 18. Have a beer in your hand, but stay away from the liquor drinks. If you are a guy (and you are), and you drink (and you do), then you can drink a beer no problem. You have acquired the taste and can actually enjoy it. Please do so. They are less expensive than liquor drinks, and liquor drinks are packed with extra liquor to make it easier to separate you from your money (remember, the house gets a slice of the dancer's take). It also makes you appear as if you are spending money and, c'mon, who doesn't like beer with their titties? And the stronger liquor drinks lead to my next point... 19. Be way more fucking careful about drunk driving than usual. Your BAC is not your tolerance. You drank and you don't feel drunk. You really don't. But your tolerance can lead you to think you're OK when your BAC will come up as above the limit when you blow. It's night and cops love to hang out near the strip club. It's a great place to catch drunk drivers. If you feel you aren't safe to drive, take a walk, take a nap in the backseat if you feel safe, call a friend, get an uber; whatever it takes to get you back to a safe level. A DUI costs $10,000 in jail and bail (provided someone can spring you out, which isn't "always" a possibility), legal fees, and increased insurance costs (but on the bright side, it will come off of your record in 75 years). Be responsible. 20. Someone else will pump money into her. Let that guy do it. Stripper shit. It's real. "My car broke down" (she has no car), "My boyfriend dumped me" (she has a boyfriend), "My dog just died" (it didn't), "I am a single mom, and it's hard". (well, that one's probably true). She is a saleswoman and will use every page of her playbook to get a string of lap dances out of you. Some guy will do it. Trust me on that. Let HIM be the sucker. Speaking of lap dances. 21. Watch for dirty hustles. Management wants you to enjoy your visit. Strippers want your money, and some less scrupulous girls have a number of dirty tricks to get that money out of you. One of the most common is getting you to pay for extra dances by not ending the dance themselves, you don't catch it, and they charge you for extra dances for the extra songs she performed. A lap dance is for ONE song UNLESS specified over the big speaker by the DJ (i.e. "Get your money out fellas...TWO SONGS FOR $25!). A song is three-and-a-half minutes and you really should have enough self awareness to know when the song changes. He's just playing one song at a time off of a computer, not blending them seamlessly like a House DJ. Check the boards where more seasoned hounds have posted other dirty hustles. Although I have yet to encounter any personally, they are still out there... Have fun and be safe out there, fellow solo hounds!