How not to be a Pathetic Loser

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Yes, I am a pathetic loser(PL). I&#39;ve read a few articles on this site but haven&#39;t run into any that tell you how to avoid being a PL. I am going to tell you my story so you can understand how I came to be a PL. You can avoid becoming one like me by reading this and understanding by my example how one becomes such a loser.<br />
The saga starts with the end of my deployment to Iraq. I came home after spending a year in the &quot;big sandbox&quot; with several serious injuries and PTSD. The injuries included a traumatic brain injury and a spinal cord injury. The docs at Fort Bragg wanted me to stay for several months to have surgery and rehab. I couldn&#39;t do it. I had been mobilized back to active duty after being discharged more than 10 years ago. I hadn&#39;t seen my wife and family for over a year and my business was on the verge of bankruptcy. I decided to suffer with the pain and go home. My first bad decision.<br />
Shortly after returning home I went to the VA for care. I was determined to be 70% disabled. Care amounted to giving me pills for pain and depression. I also got to meet with a psychiatrist on a regular basis for depression associated with my deployment. After a while things got better and my visits more spread out. Eventually I quickly fell through the cracks as more and more veterans returned home. I slept very little, usually 2-3 hours a night. Some due to pain, some insomnia due to recurrent thoughts of Iraq. Some nights I would sleep and then wake up in a panic and rush out of my house, only to have my wife come outside to bring me back in.<br />
Then I got diagnosed with prostate cancer. The options were radiation, brachytherapy, or radioactive bead implants, or surgery. Surgery seemed the best option as there was great potential for cure at the stage my cancer was in. All options carried a risk of erectile dysfunction, but the first two had higher rates of recurrence after 10-15 years. I had the surgery performed and developed erectile dysfunction.</p>
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For the first few months my wife was helping me try to regain my function. The ability to get erections isn&#39;t about sex in the big scheme of things. It is about being a man. It provides self confidence, virility and vitality. My wife developed some health issues her own and was unable to help me. I did the best I could on my own. I started going to the Men&#39;s Health Center where I met doctors who specialized specifically in men&#39;s health issues. I under went a lot of testing and even though it had been a year since I had gotten a real erection the tests showed there was hope that function could return. I needed to get erections, real one&#39;s, regularly though. Medications and other aids didn&#39;t really help much. Things were rather desperate...if I didn&#39;t regain function soon I would lose my ability forever. I joined an internet group for men who had ED after prostate surgery. There were two guys there that had the same predicament as me. One refused to go outside his marriage the other started going to strip clubs for help. The first guy lost function and need a penile implant; the other was starting to get results. I talked to my wife about this and she said &quot;do what you gotta do, I can&#39;t help you right now. I&#39;m sorry it&#39;s not you, I just can&#39;t.&quot;<br />
I decided to go to Desire based on recommendations from friends. I met some girls and explained my situation. I was there only to get erections, not cheat on my wife. Help me get erections and I&#39;ll pay and go on my way. Some girls were very nice and agreeable. after I got an erection and it lasted for 5-10 minutes I would have them stop and we would sit and talk for a bit, just relaxing no pressure to dance or perform. Some tried to push for &quot;extras&quot;. I didn&#39;t &quot;dance&quot; with them again.</p>
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Then I met &quot;her&quot;. She was very nice, sweet and courteous. We did a dance. I explained my situation to her and told her I was only there to get an erection. I loved my wife and didn&#39;t want to truly cheat on her. She began to do her dance routine, then unzipped my pants. Most of the girls did, they would touch it and fondle it gently until it got erect. She began to do the same. Suddenly my dick was in her mouth! I was surprised, but it felt good; at that point I hadn&#39;t had sex for nearly 3 years! To say having my dick in something warm and wet felt good would be an understatement. I paid her and gave her a big tip. She said she never had done that before but I was different than other guys, I had a reason to be there and I didn&#39;t put down my wife like the other guys did. I believed her. BIG mistake!</p>
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I danced with her she was at the club when I was there. She would leave who ever she was with and come over to me. She asked for my phone number, I said &quot;No, I don&#39;t want to get involved with a stripper, I&#39;m married and I love my wife.&quot; She pestered me every time I saw her, persuading me for my number because she liked me. Finally I gave in. At first she texted me only her work schedule. I never answered I would just meet her at the club. Then one day I texted back, one letter, K. When I saw her she was really excited, I texted her back even it was only one letter. She told me to try texting real words next time. I did.<br />
Soon she stopped texting me only her work schedule. She started texting me every day, all times seven days a week. She would tell me what she was doing, who she was with, how she couldn&#39;t wait to see me. She stared having problems with her landlord and other tenants in the apartment building. She started texting me even more, needing someone to talk to. She had a boyfriend and a brother living with her but I was the guy she depended on. She needed to talk to me because I was the only one who could keep her from having an anxiety attack.<br />
I bought her flowers one day. Her favorite, lillies. She had a particularly stressful day, a fight with her landlord, her boyfriend and her mom. I thought the flowers would cheer her up. She asked me how I knew lillies were her favorite flower and I told her, you have a tattoo of lillies on your back shoulder. That&#39;s how I knew. She said &quot;That&#39;s what I love about you, you pick up on the little things. She told me we were more than friends, we were lovers. We had an exclusive sexual relationship. I was the only man she was having sex with, that&#39;s why it was always unprotected. She did none of that with other guys. I believed that too. She would get extremely jealous if I talked with other girls at all. She asked me to dance with only her, no one else. It made her jealous and we were good together.</p>
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She contacted me almost constantly. Weekends, holidays,several times a day every day or night. One day I texted her in the morning...just to say good morning. She told me I saved her ass...she had missed the alarm going off and slept through it. If I didn&#39;t text her she would have not gotten up on time to go to work. She asked me to text her every morning. I did. One day I didn&#39;t..it was the day we always met at the club. She was upset that I didn&#39;t text she, she wanted me to text her every morning and not skip the days we were meeting. I complied like any good stooge. Things got kind of crazy after that. She seemed to always need me for something. I had to leave work several times to help her or to talk to her because she was having anxiety attacks. Once she had money stolen from her, I went to the club and replaced the stolen money. I went to the club to fix her car.<br />
Then she broke up with her boyfriend and moved out in January. At that point I had gone from spending $100-200 a week at the club to spending $500-700 a week all on her for several months. She then had car trouble. She made no money because she wasn&#39;t like the other girls. She didn&#39;t put out, the other girls were pigs, white trash; she was a good person and a good girl according to her. I offered to fix her car for her. She refused and said she would work 6 days a week to get the money. After several refusals I said, &quot;Suit yourself, work 6 days a week and wear yourself out.&quot; A few days later she asked me to help her. I GAVE her $5500 to fix her car. That did not include dance money, I paid for that separately. WE were supposedly in an exclusive sexual relationship, or so I was lead to believe. She told me her client that she danced with regularly, Bob Villa she called him was jealous of me. I didn&#39;t need to worry because he was &quot; a nobody, no one that matters at all, he is not important to me.&quot;, she said. &quot;He was a jerk, his wife was sick with breast cancer and he was here dancing with girls.&quot; I asked why she danced with him then and she said if he wants to pay me to sit and talk about his soul mate Arianna I&#39;ll take his money. That&#39;s all he does with her when she dances with him, talk about her friend Arianna who hasn&#39;t worked there for a year.<br />
Over a 6 week period I gave her about $8800 between car repair money and dance money. My spinal injury became worse over time, it got to the point where I couldn&#39;t control the pain with medications anymore...I needed surgery. The procedure lasted 7 1/2 hours. The surgeon said it was one of the worst cases he had performed. There was so much compression of the spinal cord I was lucky I was walking around and not in a wheel chair on a respirator like Christopher Reeve. I was supposed to take several months out of work to recover and I couldn&#39;t leave my house for 2 weeks. I needed to recover financially from helping my friend. I went back to work after 4 days. I didn&#39;t go to the club for 2 weeks though...I couldn&#39;t drive. My wife drove me everywhere. My friend was killed in Afghanistan while I couldn&#39;t drive. I missed his funeral. I felt miserable.</p>
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I finally got to go back to the club after 2 weeks. I told my &quot;lover&quot; I needed to slow down the spending a bit so I could recover financially. I needed a couple of months to make up for the money I gave her for her car repairs. She said OK. Of course she did, what was she going to say.<br />
That&#39;s when things changed. She was living with her mom since January. According to her mom and her sister weren&#39;t sharing food with her and she was literally living on frozen chicken nuggets and green beans. Mom was being physically abusive to her, attacking her, punching her and pushing to the ground. She was always getting sick. I started only paying her for the dance time with a $20-$30 tip instead of the usual $100-200 dollar tip. Suddenly she began ignoring me in the morning texts. I would not hear from her for hours...did she get sick, did her mom hurt her badly....I would panic thinking something bad had happened. She had painted such a bad picture of her life. I needed to know she was okay. I texted multiple times throughout the day worried something was wrong. She would usually contact me later in the day telling me she slept all day or got busy and forgot to text me. One day she told me she was sleeping and would call me when she got up. At 5 PM I thought to myself this girl sleeps more than anyone I know....I went online to Facebook. There she was at 11 Am chatting with her friend Jack. Jack owns a boat and takes her sailing, all innocently of course. At 1 PM she back on FB chatting with Jack again. I went to the club to meet her and asked about why she didn&#39;t call me like she said...she said she was tired and slept. I told her I saw her chatting on FB with someone at 11 and 1 so I know you weren&#39;t sleeping. You just blew me off. She asked who she was talking to. I told her her friend with the boat. Once again she said, &quot; He&#39;s a nobody. He is not important. He doesn&#39;t matter at all. You don&#39;t need to worry about him. Let&#39;s go upstairs, I need to get out of here there&#39;s too much noise.&quot; Up to the Lust Club we went. I did the usual, bought her drinks and something to eat. Then an hour champagne dance. I had one more test to do to see if I was imagining the change or not. I paid her $280 and said count it please. she did. She looked disappointed and searched the table for more money. I handed her $30 more and said I&#39;m sorry I can&#39;t afford more right now. I need a little time to straighten my life out after fixing your car. She said that&#39;s okay and we left. She said she was working the weekend. I texted her Saturday she did answer me and said she was going to work on Sunday...I said I&#39;ll stop in to to see you. &quot;Cool&quot;, she said....&quot;I have no dance money so I can only stop in for a drink with you&quot;, I said. That&#39;s when the entire attitude changed even more. It went from you don&#39;t need money to stop and visit for a drink when I meeting her outside the club to give her thousands for her car to, &quot;as much as I like hanging out with you I need to work for a living, I can&#39;t just sit and talk to you.&quot; Everyone that goes in on Sunday knows the club is dead until 2 or 3 o&#39;clock. Suddenly I was only welcome if I had dance money even though there would be no money to be made for several hours. On Friday I was so important to her, she was so worried about me when I had surgery she thought she&#39;d never see me again. I was going to be part of her life forever. Now I could only see her if I had dance money! I was suddenly the reason for everything wrong in her life. I was the reason other guys wouldn&#39;t dance with her. I was the reason she made no money at work. She seemed to forget I had helped her through one of the worst times of her life when no one else would, not even her family. I was no longer welcome with her. How dare I text her over and over again asking if she&#39;s alright. I was harassing her. How could I harass her when I was doing what she asked. She wanted the daily texts, she wanted the exclusive relationship. In fact, she built the entire relationship! The money pot was disappearing and so was I. Her money made from me went from almost $3,000 a month to a paltry $1,200. I was no longer worth her time.</p>
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The lies became very apparent now. Mom and sis won&#39;t share food with me but &quot;I don&#39;t need to wash dishes I didn&#39;t dirty I buy all the food in that house&quot;. Hmmm. Bob Villa is a nobody, but she dances with him 1-2 times weekly to talk about Arianna. Arianna didn&#39;t exist. The manager told me he had been the manager for 19 years and there was never an Arianna working there let alone one who had left and got married a year ago. Your the only one I have sex with, but she needs a &quot;place to spit out a wad&quot; in these small rooms.<br />
The warning signs were all there, the lies were always present, I ignored them. The OC &quot;dates&quot; never materialized except when she needed money. I learned from the bartenders she was known throughout the club as one of the worst girls in the club for performing full service...she did it all the time. That&#39;s how she kept the customers coming back. The owner himself told me she was one of the most &quot;whacked out girls in the place&quot;. The bouncers told me every CR dance gets sucked or fucked or both. She&#39;s been doing it since day one.<br />
This is all true. I am a pathetic loser, I trusted someone who could not be trusted. Any girl that has a boyfriend of 6 years who suck and fuck for a living and can keep it a secret from him is defined as something. And it is not a nice girl or a good person. I cared about someone who manipulates and uses people as a way of life. Don&#39;t be like me. When it comes to the club scene remember what Michael Corleone said in the Godfather, &quot; Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer&quot;. In other words TRUST NO ONE. The people who want to hurt you are not all in Iraq and Afghanistan. Some of them are right here at home, the very people you risked your life for disguised as sweet girls who want one thing; To separate you from your money and as much of it as possible.<br />
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