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bigfella1975

This is my first TUSCL article, and I'm writing it on a topic that I've been thinking about for over 30 years: what is classy or trashy in the context of strip clubs. This opinion piece is intended to generate responses and possibly ire. Many of you will object to some of my thoughts. Some may reject every sentiment I offer here, but I expect most of you will agree with at least a portion of the comments that follow.

First, a little background on me. In my 30+ years of going to strip clubs, I never go to topless, bikini, or pastie bars. I go to strip clubs to see women naked. Boobs are great, but nothing gets my motor running like pussy. To some of you that equate nude clubs with trash, my club preference may disqualify me from the topic I’ve selected here: what can be classy about strip clubs. I disagree. I know of nothing more inspiring and worthy of reverence than the bare female body. Its presence, in all its exposed glory, does not make the place or the dancer less stylish or sophisticated. There are many other factors that are much more significant.

Let us start with the clubs. An adequately illuminated and nicely appointed interior does help. If the club is too dark, I become suspicious of what the club owners or dancers are trying to hide. How many clubs have you visited where the men’s room is the single brightest space in the building? It’s too many by my count. This is NOT where we need excessive lighting. Speaking of restrooms, a filthy one is not classy, and neither is a men’s room attendant. None of us need help with the soap dispenser. And the men’s room is often the only place in the club where patrons can elude a particularly aggressive dancer or take a break from the pounding sound system. Staffing this refuge is a drag.

Since I mentioned the sound system, being able to talk to dancers, the barmaids or other patrons at a club is an expectation. Having to shout over the music… repeatedly… is definitely not classy. Also, not classy? A running commentary from the DJ. Yes, we know there is a two-for-one dance special going. No need to mention it six times a minute. Archibald’s in DC uses a digital display to “announce” the current dancer that also shows the order of dancers to follow. This is a strategy that is both classy and helpful. And there is no need to announce that someone purchased bottle service either. No one cares.

Anything that adds to the frenetic energy, like sparklers and a smoke show, is also not classy. Do you hear me Scarlett’s Cabaret in South FLA? And why are strip club owners obsessed with mirrors and gold finishes? It feels like costume jewelry or lipstick on a pig. Fine dining does not resort to these cheap finishes but buffets in Las Vegas do. An updated décor is fine, but a creative layout or one that considers viewpoints across multiple spaces and stages is best. Crazy Horse in SF retains fixtures from the building’s early days as a theater, and the many levels of Hong Kong in TJ allow patrons to see across much of the club. Comfortable chairs are nice if they don’t limit navigation, and I appreciate a club that features different types of seating while not compromising on the guest site lines when seated. Palomino in LV does this well.

Compared to other businesses, strip clubs have a lot of rules. Someone else can write an article about the appropriateness of various club policies. Since this is an article about classiness, I am compelled to address one type of strip club guideline here: the guest dress code. In my 30 years of mongering, I have never been turned away because of my attire. This is because I always dress about the same as I would if I was going to the office. By dressing nicely, I am signaling to the staff that I am respectable, that I will treat the dancers respectably, and that I deserve to be treated the same way. I dress the same way when I fly for the exact same reasons. It is no wonder flights are so uncivilized considering the number of people flying in their pajamas. I almost always get compliments from dancers simply because I am not wearing sneakers and have a shirt with buttons. And I usually get a chuckle when I tell dancers “I dress nice, so you don’t have to.” Club patrons who show up in wife beaters, tattered jeans and flip-flops are not conveying a message of respect. And as silly as it may seem, if backward baseball caps are communicating something negative from an owner’s standpoint, then I applaud them for enforcing the rule.

Speaking of enforcers, let’s talk about club security as they relate to classiness. I understand why the bouncers are there and appreciate their presence. Ideally the security team is visible but not aggressive even when situations go sideways. Classy bouncers can diffuse a situation with just a glance or a tap on the shoulder. Classy bouncers do not escalate a bad scene or get in shouting matches. Like anyone in a position of authority, that status can be abused by someone whose power goes to their head. No one likes a loud and hostile goon in a suit. Classy bouncers are smart, approachable and have a sense of humor.

Before we shift our focus to the dancers, let me emphasize that a club that qualifies as “classy” does not indicate that all the dancers on staff are automatically considered classy. I’ve been to plenty of nice clubs with trashy dancers. I’ve also been to trashy clubs with a classy dancer or two. A classy establishment does lift everyone’s status, but there is much a dancer can do, or avoid doing, to come off as classy. Let’s get into it.

Class implies a sense of style and sophistication. Some dancers think they can convey class with pretense and other slights of hand. Most are not deft enough to pull this off. The fastest way to dispel this myth is with a conversation. A dancer that can only talk about how good she is in the VIP rooms is a classless bore and is to be avoided. It’s a start if a dancer can talk about her life outside the club. The next step is to see if she can smile; I am talking about a real smile and not some inauthentic smirk. You know it when you see it, boys.

Since I touched on authenticity, fake anything is not classy. Fake boobs. Not classy. Fake butt, eyelashes, lips, crazy-long nails… all not classy. Think of Aubrey Hepburn, Selma Hayek, Michelle Obama, and Maggie Cheung. None of them have/had fake shit. Now think of that stripper with the jacked-up chest, ass and mouth that looks like an extra-terrestrial. She is definitely not classy.

Since I hit on dancer appearance, let’s agree that excessive tattoos and piercings are not classy. Leg and back tattoos are not just trashy, they’re ugly. The bellybutton piercing with the long, dangly jewelry that reminds me of a man’s pocket watch chain or the retractable keys of the high school janitor… not classy. But the main thing I look for that is always a dead giveaway is a dancer’s feet. While no reasonable person who wears enclosed shoes has long toenails, this is a common site in strip clubs. And if you combine the long toenails with the other common site of strippers’ toes hanging off the platform of their undersized, open-toed shoes, you get a look reminiscent of a bird claw clinging to a perch. I was at a club in Vegas years ago where every single girl had the dangly toes look. What kind of broken homes were these girls from where not a single mom had informed their daughters of this fashion faux pas?

So, what is a classy look for strippers? Well, there are fewer “dos” than “do nots”, and most girls that get my attention are often doing something unique from the other dancers at the same club. The one girl in a jump suit always stands out. So, novelty gets rewarded in my book. But here are a couple classy can’t miss strategies: gowns and hair updos. Brides wear their hair up and don gowns for a reason: it’s classy. I was a regular visitor to a club in SF years ago that had one performer who always wore a white gown and her hair up when she was not dancing. The place was trashy, but she was not. Boy did she stand out. Come to think of it, she was the reason I regularly visited this club. I gave her a lot of money and she was worth every penny.

Here are some concluding thoughts. Unlike me, some patrons go to clubs looking for trash, not class. If this is your preference, maybe you should author a different article? Pushiness and negativity are not classy or sexy. Strippers that can dance are classy and sexy. Slow, deliberate movement is classy and sexy. Frenetic energy is not. A stripper who smells good is classy and sexy. A stripper who smells like her last meal (is that pizza?) is not sexy or classy. Fat girls are not classy (remember Aubrey, Selma, Michelle and Maggie… not fat). Having a sense of humor is extremely classy, sexy and a great way to defuse uncomfortable moments. And finally, smart girls are classy and sexy.

So why would I write such a piece? To entertain, maybe. Or to seek the ire of those that disagree. I guess my true objective here is to share opinions with the community that may resonate enough that some of my thoughts actually get passed on to club owners and dancers. And how will that happen? Through all of you that read this, of course. If I observe a reduced number of foot sightings that resemble bird claws at clubs, I know I have partly succeeded.

What do you think is classy or trashy about strip clubs? I am eager to hear your thoughts.

Adjudicators

IWantHerOnMe

Your definitely going to get a lot of disagreement but that's what makes clubs work, that variety of preferences.

DickyDoo2

JC2003

Puddy Tat

Reachme

mogul1985

Context21

BGSD3100