are you honest with your ATF?

I'm usually a bit more truthful so my experiences won't help too much here. I typically do not worry about things like this either.

I once lied to a girl in a regular bar who came up to me and kept insisting I must be married. I said I wasn't for a while. Then I got tired of it all and said I was. I'll let the better liars here give you the benefit of their experience. :) No insult intended here guys.

Your "past wife"? Did you tell her she was dead? That's gonna be tough to recover from.

It could be worse. You could have been married and told her you were single. Maybe the worst outcome is that she'll think a "past wife" was a strange thing for a guy to lie about.

I've heard of married guys lying about being single. I've never heard of a single guy inventing a non-existent X-wife to BS a stripper...Dude,I have to ask, what was the point?

Well, I get tired of being asked how come I'm not married, so I can sort of relate. Lucky for me, an ex-wife isn't something I need to invent.

Yes, I've been pretty straight with my ATF. In fact, probably TOO honest. The way I see it, if I expect honesty from her, I have to be honest with her. There are, however, a few semi-truths, and a few things that I haven't mentioned, but have implied, all of which I will correct, as we continue to get closer.

I actually dropped a rather large bombshell on her during our last OTC. During my business trip back in Sept, when we first got acquainted, we tried to plan out when we'd both be in the club later that week. She'd thrown out a night, and I told her that I'd already "had plans with a friend". (the plans were actually a scheduled OTC with my prev ATF) She pressed me who that "friend was", and whether it was a girl... I lied and told her "no". Months later, during our last OTC, for no other reason but to show her that I was being honest with her, I 'fessed up and told her that that night I'd actually had plans to meet another stripper OTC. When she asked "what exactly did you two do together?", I described my usual OTC experience with my prev ATF. She was visibly shaken by that little revelation, but we talked through it, and within a few minutes, all was okay (as far as I know).

Imnumnutz: I would tell her the truth. If you intend to cultivate your "relationship" with this dancer, I'd simply tell her, like I told MY ATF. Start out by saying something like "Hey [insert name], there is something that I wasn't totally truthful about, with you, and it's really bothering me...." and just plunge ahead. Seriously, your white lie isn't that big of a deal, and I'm sure she will not hate you for it.

I have always been honest with my 2 ATF's and the other dancers that I refer to as favorites. I have nothing to hide except how much money I make and nothing to lose. I have said it before on here and I'll say it again. Honesty breeds trust and trust opens doors and spreads legs.

Imnumnutz: Really, nobody should be surprised to find that things said in a strip club aren't all gospel. Bullshit is such common currency ITC, you usually need to learn about each other all over again OTC. I would tell her you probably made up half the stuff you told her, just like she probably did, and laugh it off together.

Doug, isn't telling your ATF the truth about your previous ATF going beyond the call of duty? Any girl should know that to ask if the friend you were with was another girl is an invitation for you to lie. For that matter, excuse me for being blunt, but why on earth would she expect you to be honest with her when she must know you aren't being honest with your own wife?

I'd tell the truth too. If you want this relationship to be real, fess up, for her sake and for yours.

If I get repeatedly asked for why I'm not married, I just say "I haven't met the right girl yet." I never heard a dancer say that was not a good answer. In fact I've heard a couple of dancers say something like "better to not be married than stuck with someone you don't like"

Sure you COULD tell the truth...but a lie makes for a much more interesting future board. I say go all out! You are in fact a secret agent...you're ex wife is ex-KGB, and you cannot divulge her identity for her protection. You were also the bass guitarist for Scorpion (like she would know). Unfortunately, your old man (the oil tycoon) didn't believe in your music career and cut you off. Oh yeah, you're Batman!

Chandler:

Yeah, it's a conundrum. How can I expect Miss ATF to believe a single thing that I say, when she knows I am lying to my wife (and have done so, in her presence)? Furthermore, why would Miss ATF ever trust a guy not to run around on her, when she knows he is already running around on someone else? I don't present a very good track record, do I?

I suppose it's just like me accepting everything that she tells me, even though I know that dancers have a high level of expertise in the art of deception. I guess it comes down to believing what you want to believe.

Doug: I was asking half rhetorically about the contradiction, but I might have come off seeming to accuse you, so I appreciate your forthright answer. I think customer/ATF relationships are usually made possible only by something less than full honesty, so these recent threads about it strike me as a bit overearnest.

Another thing for Imnumnutz to consider: When men talk about lies, they usually focus on mis-statements of fact. Women are less concerned about that and more about false feelings behind the lie. So, if you lied to cover up insecurities about your romantic history, she'll probably be more understanding than if you did it as a play for sympathy.

Chandler: I didn't take it as accusatory at all. I also don't think Miss ATF expects me to be honest with her, but I believe she appreciates the fact that I am. Also, I think she can overlook the fact that I'm deceiving my wife by giving her false alibis for my whereabouts because Miss ATF is obviously doing the same in order to meet me for our OTC rendezvous.

imnumnutz - If it comes up again, tell her you said that you had been "engaged" once, not married. She may bite on it as being mis-heard by her. Worth a shot.

Like Yoda asked.... why tell her you were married once when you weren't? I don't see the point in that line.

Otherwise, I would keep as much stuff about myself "SECRET" as possible from ATFs. An ATF is a toy, a hobby, a GFE. If you ending up getting engaged, then let her know about yourself.

Most dancers, to include ATFs (sorry you ATF guys), are there for the fun and enjoyment and $$$$$$. My recommendation to nosy dancers/ATFs? Answer their question with another question. I.E., "What do you do for a living?" "Who said I had a life?" - "Are you married?" Just come back with "Are YOU married?" or come back with "I'm not sure!" That'll throw them.

If a dancer is ever "dumb enough" to ask (generally just emptily) "So, are you married?" I can answer, with a mock shocked frightened expression, "Oh gosh NO NO NO heaven's NO why would I do that? geeez THAT'S frightening." Haha, it's a fun way to build rapport. Then she can complain about her loser boyfriend, or about how awful it was to have been married to a "controlling" person (strippers always think of their LTRs as "control freaks" because, generally, the strippers want to do more things that are out of the ordinary, or out of line, than the men want them to do). And I haven't ever been married, so I basically will be agreeing with her. :)

The marriage question seems to come from dancers who just want to talk and ask questions at least in my very limited experience.

A couple of dancers I've met who wanted a more sexual encounter with me never bothered to ask that question. I think they were more focused on a way of getting alone with me. Sometimes I wonder why is it that girls you aren't that attracted to are usually the ones who seem to want you the most. Maybe they just expect an answer of no and feel no harm in trying. Now if a very hot dancer tried that with me, I might be wondering if she was serious about it or not.

i appreciate all the advice. i'm going to try to find a way to correct this situation--it may actually bother me more than it might bother her. i'm one of those "pathetic old men" another poster rants about (LOL!!!). Actually, I'm 31 years older than my ATF, so I see nothing serious developing, and frankly I don't want it to--i'm just too set in my ways. Nonetheless, she and I do enjoy yakking with each other and just sharing some laughs. I'd be happy if it just stayed at that level, but maybe it goes further, we'll see.

While currently, I do not have an ATF. I'll share this one with you from my past and most recent one. One day we were talking about my ex and the divorce. She knew my first and only true ATF. I told her that my ex found out about our relationship and wrote to her. I asked would you like to see the letter. Her reply "Hell yes!" I went out to my truck and got it and gave it to her to read. After reading it, she had 100 questions to ask and I answered them all. The trust was cemented and although she was married my mileage kept increasing every time we met.

Imnumnutz: What we really were hoping to hear you follow up on is why you told her you'd been married. Care to explain?

Imnumnutz: Good luck, guy. I know you said you don't really want things to develop into something serious, but reading between the lines, I think you wouldn't mind that at all. I DO know where you are coming from (I'm in a similar situation with my ATF). Even though I think chances are really slim that things will progress much more than they have already (and if they did, it would be a serious problem), I STILL would like to see it happen.

I think I know what you are all talking about when you mention "ATF", but most of those relationships really are about the steady money stream and affectionate attention that you give your stripper. Lying about being married before when you weren't *is* kind of strange, but I've lied about having a gf when I didn't (and about breaking up with this imaginary gf...lol!) to a stripper. When I'm asked, "How come you've never been married?"...I just say, "Just lucky I guess". :) We're all suckers in the end...