Reverend Hornibastard’s Fashion Tips

Posts on this august discussion board by a moronic, juvenile malcontent who believes that looking like you belong in prison constitutes high fashion persuaded me that ANYBODY can qualify to be a fashion advisor.

This emboldened me to offer my own fashion tips.

I am a complex personality who cannot be confined to any one fashion or image. Thus, I switch back and forth between two distinct styles as my mood and circumstances require.

STYLE A - THE STERN, HIGH POWERED BUSINESS LAWYER: If you’re going to walk into a roof m to propose a commercial structure and your draft of a contract for a multi billion dollar transaction, you have to project authority and power. Your presence must immediately command everyone’s attention and respect.

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To help achieve this effect, you must look, act and speak a certain way. You must speak in an elegant tone that displays a powerful and penetrating command of the English language. To dispel the impression that you might be just another monolingual American moron, I strongly recommend you leaven your oral presentation by liberally sprinkling in some foreign words and phrases. (I can speak English and five other languages and I make damn sure everyone in the room who can count that high knows it within the first twenty minutes after I start flapping my lips.)

Your grooming and fashion sense are also critical to establishing your place at the apex of the boardroom’s food chain.

“No tattoos!” This goes without saying. The only thing that might destroy your credibility faster and more thoroughly than a tattoo would be vigorously excavating a booger out of your nose and, after briefly examining it for unwanted hair, eating it in front of your audience.

Maintain proper dignity and decorum at all times. Refrain from making cavalier references to your “bitches and hoes” or passing around photos of your ATF ink and STD laden slut bucket. Don’t bring up stories about running trains on your girlfriends. This won’t make a favorable impression on anyone, not even on a Mexican drug lord.

You should wear a stylish but conservative bespoke power suit that cost you at least as much as one night in a park-view executive suite at the Plaza Hotel in New York City.

Expensive but tasteful cuff links are essential.

The only permissible ostentatious fashion items are 1) a solid gold watch (preferably a Rolex), 2) an easily recognizable famous brand fountain pen worth at least $1,000 and, 3) if you wear eyeglasses, they should be unique, memorable, expensive and reflect your deep reservoir of self confidence, erudition and panache.

Absolutely no hoodies or athletic shoes!

STYLE B - THE REAL REVEREND HORNIBASTARD: I refer to “Style A” as my attorney costume. It’s not the real me. The real Reverend Hornibastard grew up in West Texas and it shows. I prefer a hot dog at the ballpark over a steak at the Ritz and I openly admit it. If you spot a guy in the first class cabin of an international flight wearing an odd combination of fancy, expensive looking eyeglasses and comfortable cargo pants purchased at Walmart, you may well have spotted Reverend Hornibastard. If the guy has an expensive fountain pen clipped to the neckline of a muscle shirt with a crude quip or slogan on the back, then you’re definitely on the same flight with Reverend Hornibastard. Come introduce yourself, have some caviar, chilled vodka and enjoy a friendly conversation about “nothing.”

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