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Bond, James Bond

reverendhornibastard

Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy

Every guy deserves at least one “James Bond moment” in his lifetime.

Mine occurred at 37,000 feet when I was 34 years old.

I was on a Singapore Airlines flight somewhere over Asia. The first class cabin on that aircraft could have accommodated 20 passengers but on that day there were only two passengers in first class. I was fortunate to be one of the two.

It was dinner time. I enyoyed some blinis and caviar with chilled vodka as an appetizer. Then I feasted on an excellent boeuf bourguignon accompanied by vegetables I didn’t recognize and an excellent, fine red wine. Dessert featured a rum raisin crème brûlée and a sweet after dinner liqueur.

I felt so fucking sophisticated! For a moment I forgot that my parents had raised my sorry spic ass on the high plains of West Texas.

In case you’ve never had the pleasure of flying on Singapore Airlines, allow me to describe some of its hallmark features.

Singapore Airlines is widely reputed to be among the finest airlines in the world. It has often been cited as the #1 airline by a plethora of international travel magazines and travel industry critics. Their safety record is among the best. Their airplanes are spotless. Their service is impeccable and their flight attendants are clearly chosen for their youth, grace and beauty.

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After dinner in the first class cabin, the last item on offer is a selection of chocolates made available by your lovely flight attendant who presents them on a tray from which you make your selections.

My gorgeous Singapore Airlines flight attendant smiled warmly at me as she approached my seat. She was carrying the tray of assorted chocolates. As she presented the tray of chocolates, she held it oddly high. The back edge of the tray was pressed against her abdomen immediately below her delicate Asian muchachas. She bent forward toward me so I could get a better at what she had to offer. In this position, from my vantage point her creamy smooth Asian tits were far more noticeable than any of the chocolates on the tray.

“Do you see anything you like?” she purred.

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I glanced up at her face. She was smiling at me, making sustained eye contact.

I didn’t know what to say. Was my beautiful flight attendant purposefully trying to raise my blood pressure and inflame my libido? Or was she just innocently doing her job, being nice to her passengers in the first class cabin?

I couldn’t be sure.

I was young. So was she. It was the perfect time in both of our lives for this kind of sexual innuendo and intrigue.

If I hadn’t become so flustered I might have come up with a brilliant reply like, “Yes indeed! I do see something I like! And the chocolates don’t look too shabby either!”

But the chilled vodka, the red wine and the after dinner liqueur dulled my normally piquant wit.

I finally managed to mutter something like, “It all looks so tempting but I think I will just quit now and read for a while.”

What I really meant to say was, “I’d love to have a taste those two puppies in the back, the ones with the brown noses!”

Despite it being an overnight flight, I didn’t sleep very well. Maybe I ate too much for dinner. Or maybe I was too busy fantasizing about what might have been if I had not become so tongue tied at a crucial moment.

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I really botched what was probably a golden opportunity.

With a stroke of clumsy ineloquence, I had managed to transform my one and only “most James Bond moment” into yet another one of my “most Mr. Bean moments.”