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The Horror of Hair Pollution!

reverendhornibastard

Depraved Deacon of Degeneracy

Men have plenty to worry about. They are expected to put meat on the table, keep a roof over their family’s heads, pay for medical costs, clothing costs, educational expenses, buy and maintain automobiles, cover the costs of an occasional ski vacation or Caribbean cruise and generally keep the family’s economy afloat. Men must attend to all these responsibilities while worrying about the myriad of threats to their own well being.

There is no shortage of problems and maladies that habitually afflict men: paternity suits, baldness, enlarged prostate, erectile dysfunction, and STDs of various descriptions including the highly dreaded “Grape Nuts” Syndrome (Stage 1 - grape nuts; Stage 2 - grape nut flakes; and the most dreaded Stage 3 - post grape nut flakes).

If that isn’t enough, sooner or later most men have to grapple with the horrors of hair pollution.

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Hair pollution is perhaps the most insidious of all maladies facing men because it strikes without warning and is so mysterious.

Hair pollution causes hair of unknown origin to appear inexplicably on your clothes, in your car and in your home.

Nobody really understands why.

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Hair pollution on your clothes tends to happen when you have just returned home after a late night business meeting or after a business trip. The cause or causes remain mysterious.

It is bad enough when hair of unknown origin is found on your shirt or your suit. But things can get truly ugly when hair of unknown origin is found on or in your underwear.

Hair pollution can also occur in your car or in your home. Hair pollution in your car or home occurs most often upon the return of your (soon to be ex-) wife or girlfriend after an extended absence. Once again, nobody really understands why.

Hair pollution in your home tends to occur on the couch, in your bathroom and on the sheets of your bed.

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Ominously, hair pollution typically involves hair of a color, length and texture totally unlike your (soon to be ex-) wife’s or girlfriend’s hair.

Hair pollution researchers remain baffled why this should be so.

It gets worse:

Hair pollution can strike anywhere - even on your body!

I recall an occasion many years ago when an Asian employee who worked under my supervision contacted me early one Saturday morning and invited me over to her place for some one-on-one training. I had previously provided one-on-one training sessions to this young, eager beaver and was delighted that she showed the gumption and initiative to request another session.

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When I returned home around noon my wife made it clear that she was in a canoodling mood. Given where I had just come from and what I had been up to, I thought a quick shower was in order before hopping on top of my wife.

As I lathered up in the shower, I thought I felt something tugging on my private parts. I checked but saw nothing. As I continued my shower I again felt something tugging on my dick and balls. This time I inspected more carefully and found a long, luxuriant, black hair tangled around my dick and balls. I carefully removed it and checked thoroughly for any others.

My (now ex-) wife had short, light brown hair.

You can imagine the catastrophic scenario that could have unfolded if that long, luxuriant, black hair had found its way into my wife’s mouth during our pre-game festivities!

Some dismiss hair pollution as insignificant. But never let your guard down. Men have lost their homes, their children, their savings and even their lives as a result of serious, recurring episodes of hair pollution.

Because hair pollution is so common and can strike anyone anytime, anywhere, it is imperative to have a well thought out plan to deal with hair pollution when it strikes in your life. It is extraordinarily difficult to extemporaneously concoct a plausible, innocent explanation for hair pollution discovered in your bed and/or in the shower by your (soon to be ex-) wife or girlfriend especially when she is screaming at the top of her lungs while tearing the house apart searching for additional incriminating evidence.

Believe me, I know.

As a precautionary measure, I bought a couple of Afghan hounds (one blonde and one with black hair).

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I ALWAYS encourage them to sleep on the bed.