A new health menace is sweeping rapidly across the nation, insidiously threatening Americans in all walks of life. It is a malady so revolting and cringeworthy that no one wants to acknowledge much less discuss it openly. There are no signs this loathsome scourge will go away and every reason to believe it will only get worse.
It’s time to talk openly about dingleberries!
Dingleberries are no longer confined to your pooch! The American Medical Association has documented the startling rise in the incidence of dingleberries among Americans over the last decade. The director of colorectal research at John Hopkins Medical Institute, Dr. Aszweip, stated that “... the newfound popularity of kale, arugula, Swiss chard and other fancy salad greens is directly linked to the tremendous increase in dingleberries among salad eaters in America.”
So pervasive has the dingleberry plague become in upper-crust salad-eating circles that Martha Stewart, the maven of social graces and rectitude, recently published a 25-page article in the New Yorker documenting the socially acceptable ways of seeking assistance with dingleberry removal at a black tie dinner event.
California lawmakers are contemplating mandating “suitable warning labels” on all kale, arugula, Swiss chard and mâche sold within its borders as well as on the menus of restaurants whose salads include those products.
Ever the health contrarian, Gweneth Paltrow insists that dingleberries are nothing to be ashamed of. She is rumored to appear naked on the cover of next month’s Harper’s magazine proudly sporting a dingleberry that almost reaches the back of her knees.
(Reverend Hornibastard reporting)
Between dinglberries and blue waffles the human race will soon be extinct just wait there’s a cooties epidemic coming on the horizon