Things you should've said on your last visit....

To the guy old black guy sitting next to me wanting to give me five every time some ugly skanky stripper walked by..

Dude we don't have a "brotha" thing in common. You're taste in girls is bottom basement. Stop looking for my approval to get dances from the most rachet looking bitches in here"

Now that my health is in the shitter.............

To all those strippers who offered me BBFS, I wish that I had said...........YES !!

I wanna suck your clit, babe.

Gimme it.

I might have asked a waitress if she was single and her phone number, but that was a few visits ago the last time I saw her.

In another case when a dancer ripped me off and after complaining to the manager, he said he could go get the money back from her and give it to me, Instead of hesitating and saying never mind, Yes, I want it back. Go get it.

For every hot girl that wanted to hook up with me but I didn't try because I thought she wouldn't be interested, let's go have fun.

I wanted to tell some bitchy dancer that I was going to come over here and offer to fuck your brains out. But apparently someone beat me to it.

Then, I was going to tell you a joke that was so funny it would make your tits fall off. Apparently you heard it too many times.

To the 50-year-old-looking dancer at IR who kept bugging me for dances,

Did you not see who else i was dancing with when I was there? Was it not obvious that you didn't fit the description of what I was looking for? They were young and all but one of them was reasonably curvy. I gave you one dance out of pity, and honestly I wish I just gave you the $10 without the dance. Then you kept bugging me afterwards. At least you got me to leave the club: had it not been for you, I'd have stayed all night, spent more money, and possibly never made it back home.

"So, Lacey, do you wanna meet up afterwards? What's your number?"

To one dancer who approached me during the tip parade and shoved her body against mine - "Deodorant is required, not optional. Bitch."

I can't really think of anything that I wished to say but didn't. I'm not very shy in my dealings with dancers, so I am apt to say more or less whatever I want.

But I do sometimes wish that I could take something back. A few weeks ago I broached OTC, multiple times, with a 20 year old girl who I knew was fairly new to dancing. I did it even though she was reluctant to consider it and kept mentioning her fiance as the reason, a guy who I actually saw come in with her to check the club out a month earlier. I could tell that she needed the money, so a predatory instinct took over. If I had turned up the juice a little more I probably would have succeeded, but my better instincts took over and i let it go.

It's not that I wish to say anything, but sometimes I think it would be amusing to say something like:

To the PL across the bar glowering at me because I'm having a good time with his girl: Suck it up, buttercup.

To the dancer who offers to blow me for the low, low price of $800, condom required: Hahahahahahahahahahaha! You so funny!

To the stripper cleaning my cum off her face and eating it with her fingers and saying "I'm not a whore like the rest of these bitches:" Do you even know what a "whore" is? And here's your $20.

To the otherwise lovely young lady with the worst case of Stinky Cooter Syndrome I've ever had the misfortune to encounter, who's offering to 69 with me: I'd sooner eat a rotten duck egg omlet with dogshit and pig vomit.

And my favorite, that I actually got to use, to the...large, Shrek-clone stripper bitching about the way I, and several other patrons, fawn over one of her coworkers while ignoring her: If you have any self esteem issues, I suggest you not not spend much time contemplating the potential reasons for that state of affairs.

"If you are offended by the things I say, imagine what I hold back."

To the guy next to me loudly offering the cute waitress $1,000 for a fully nude lap dance (which would be illegal):

You're full of shit and a little pathetic.

To the dancer who let me rub all over her body on the floor during her pitch then proceeded to tell me she was enforcing the no touching by customers rule in the LD area:

I'm really confused. You provided good grind so I won't complain too much. But considering I can apparently touch you when I'm not paying but not when I am?... odd.

To Jenny that hot day that the AC at the club wasn't working and what you asked me went strait over my head, "Yes, I do have air conditioning back at my place, wanna leave hear and head back there?"

Not because I was shy, but my wit is slower in my advanced age: "My name is Chasity". "Mine is Promiscuity
This time it may have been because of shyness or discretion: "I will give you the best lap dance you've ever had." "Oh really? You're going to blow me, fuck me, then taste yourself on my dick (all bareback), then have me finger your clit and Gspot with 1 hand while I massage your nipples with the other until you cum so hard I can feel the squeeze on my fingers? All for my last $140 with no tip?

Not because I was shy, but my wit is slower in my advanced age: "My name is Chasity". "Mine is Promiscuity
This time it may have been because of shyness or discretion: "I will give you the best lap dance you've ever had." "Oh really? You're going to blow me, fuck me, then taste yourself on my dick (all bareback), then have me finger your clit and Gspot with 1 hand while I massage your nipples with the other until you cum so hard I can feel the squeeze on my fingers? All for my last $140 with no tip?

To Jaime the stripper who lied when I asked if my CF was working and she told me she wasn't there even though her dance set is right after yours so you knew GD well she was there...

I would not dance with you if you were the last stripper in town. Take your nasty stretch marked tummy to some other desperate PL, I rather go home and stream porn. And that chin piercing makes you even uglier than you already are.

I can't even begin to regret how many times I should have asked for a phone number. As a rule I don't bring my phone into the club (as it's just another distraction). My next trip I'm bringing a pen and a fresh pack of post-it notes!