tuscl

Joke Exchange!

Monday, August 29, 2005 11:30 AM
I sense that the board needs a little leavity... So, in that spirit I suggest we trade good jokes we've heard, particulary those we've heard from stippers. I have 2. Both of these are from strippers. 1. How do you know that you're at a gay picnic? Well, the first thing is, the Hot Dogs taste like shit... 2. What is the difference between a wife and a job? After six months your job will still suck...

31 comments

  • lousybuck
    •
    19 years ago
    Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now." So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?" The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
  • Shekitout
    •
    19 years ago
    Last joke I saw in a email today(29th)-variation of it W was at a cabinet meeting & was told that 12 Brazilan sodiers had been killed & he asked "How many in a Brazillion?"
  • Clubber
    •
    19 years ago
    easyed14, Ever seen a stupid drunk? Most think they know everything!
  • easyed14
    •
    19 years ago
    I know you have read or heard this wisdom before, but I have not seen anyone explain it as well as the almighty wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went: "Well you see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
  • easyed14
    •
    19 years ago
    Mexican Women Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he had told his wife that she was going to do all the dishes and housecleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a woman from Georgia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On the first day, he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Mexican woman born here in the States. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table at every meal. He said the first day, he didn't see anything. The second day, he still didn't see anything but by the third day, most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a gardener. Gotta love those Mexican Women!
  • pop
    •
    19 years ago
    A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. the Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle."
  • Clubber
    •
    19 years ago
    A man gets a sex change. After his/her recovery, he/she is talking with his old male friends. They ask if it hurt when they enlarged his breasts. No, was the reply. They then asked if it hurt when they cut off his penis. Again, the reply was no. He/she then stated, “You know what really hurt? When they stuck the needle in my head and sucked out half my brains!” Duck if you tell this to a woman!
  • lc693le500
    •
    19 years ago
    This one might not work well in print, but it works in person. What do you get when you cross a whore with a leprechaun? *holds his fingers three inches apart* A little green fucker about this big.
  • chitownlawyer
    •
    19 years ago
    A young man is about to go on a cruise with his girlfriend and goes to a drugstore to buy a box of rubbers and a box of seasick pills. While checking him out, the pharmacist says, "Son, if it makes you that sick, just don't do it." A farm boy and his girl were sitting on a fence in the meadow. As they are watching, the bull mounts a cow. Farmboy says, "I sure would like to be doing that about now." Girlfriend says, "Go ahead, it's your cow." What is the difference between a girl's track team and a band of pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts. and my favorite, which I have probably posted somewhere on this board already... Why do women fake orgasms? They think we care. (The first time I heard that one, I laughed so hard I had wine coming out my nose. It was worth it, although Mrs. Chitownlawyer had a different opinion.)
  • Shekitout
    •
    19 years ago
    Why do girls have legs? If they didn't they'd leave a trail like a snail! That one came from a Hooters waitress. Guy from NY was traveling thru some backroads in the South & came across a guy screwing a sheep in a pasture. The guy stops & tells the Southerner, "Up North we shear our sheep." The Southerner replies "I ain't shearin this sheep with nobody!" Farmer who had fallen on hard times decided to sell 5 female pigs he had at the county fair. While there he met another farmer in a similar situation who was trying to see 5 male pigs. They got to talking & decided they would mate their pigs and sell the offspring & split the money 50/50. They lived 60 miles apart but agreed to meet 1/2 way for the pig mating. The farmer with the 5 female pigs loads them into his station wagon & meets the the other farmer. The pigs mate & the first farmer loads the females back into the station wagon. He asks the 2nd farmer how will he know the pigs are pregnant. The 2nd farmer tells him if the pigs are on the grass the next day they're pregnant but if they're in the mud they're not. The next day the 1st farmer looks out the window & all the pigs are in the mud. He calls the 2nd farmer to have him meet him with his pigs, hoses off the femalesloads them into the station wagon & has them mate again. Next day the pigs are in the mud so the cycle is repeated every day for 1 week. At the end of the week he doesn't have the strength to look out the window and asks his wife to tell him if the pigs are on the grass or in the mud. She yells back "Neither. They're all in the station wagon & one of them is honking the horn!"
  • Jpac73
    •
    19 years ago
    Shadowcat that was a good one. I bet you have told some of your favs that joke?
  • Shekitout
    •
    19 years ago
    A lady goes into a grocery store & asks the produce guy if they have any onions. He tells her they're out of onions. She thanks him and leaves. 1/2 hour later she's back in the store & asks the same produce guy if they have any oinions. He tells her I told you we're out of onions. An hour later she's back in the store and again asks the guy if they have any onions. He tells her "Let me explain it to you this way: If you took the 'straw' out of strawberries what would you have left?" She says "Berries." He asks "If you took the 'blue' out of blueberries what would you have left?" She says "Berries". "If you took the 'black' out of blackberries what would you have left?" She says "Berries" "If you took the 'fuck' out of onions what would you have left?" She says "Wait a minute, there's no 'fuck' in onions." he says "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
  • Shekitout
    •
    19 years ago
    You really went far back for that one, Shadowcat.
  • Shekitout
    •
    19 years ago
    Thought of 3 jokes I remeber from way back that are still funny! Guy goes into a hardware store & tells the clerk he wants a half length of stove pipe. The clerk says we don't see half lenths of stove pipe. The guy says "Yes you do, check with Joe." The clerk walks to the back of the store to find Joe & tells him "Some smartass out there wants a half length of stove pipe", turns around to see the guy has followed him and tells Joe "and this gentlemen wants the other half!" A guy comes into a hardware store & tells a little girl who is the store owner's daughter waits on him that he wants a bastard file. The little girl, thinking he is cursing, runs to tell her father that a man is in the store using bad language. The father asks her "What did he say?" She replies "He wanted a bastard file." The father says that he was not cursing and that a bastrad file is a particular type of file and goes over to the files to show her which one to sell him. After awhile another man comes into the store looking for a file. The little girl says "You want this bastard here?", pointing to a bastard file in the display case, he points to another file & says "No, give me that son of a bitch there." The teacher was passing out milk & cookies in her class and when she got to Little Johnny and said "Johnny here are your milk & cookies", Little Johnny says "Aw shove 'em up your ass!" The teacher is shocked & tells him he shouldn't use such language. The next day same thing happens. On the 3rd day it happens she send a note home with him that she wants one of the parents to come to class and follow behind & hear the bad language Johnny uses in school. His daddy shows up on Fri to observe. When she gets to Little Johnny, he tells her the same thing as the previous days. She turns around & asks the daddy if he heard what his son said. The daddy replies: "Fuck him, don't give him any!"
  • Shekitout
    •
    19 years ago
    A couple were under the boardwalk at the beach about to get it on. He attempts to put his dick into the girl and asks her "Is it in?". She replies "No, it's in the mud!". He tries again and again asks if it's in. She again replies that it's in the mud. He tries again, asks if it's in and she says "Yes!". He replies "Put it back in the mud!"
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    Lousybuck wins!!! (Thanks, man. That one was great.)
  • lousybuck
    •
    19 years ago
    A guy gets a job in an adult bookstore. The manager needs to go run a few errands on the guy's first day. He's there alone when a woman comes in and is shopping for a vibrator. "How much for this pink one?" she asks. The guy tells her $15. She buys it and leaves. She comes back in an hour and says, "It was too small. How much is that bigger white one?". He tells her it's also $15. She buys it and leaves. She comes back in an hour and says, "That was too small too. How much for the plaid one?" He tells her $50." She buys it and leaves. The manager comes back and asks the guy how he did. "Not bad. I sold 2 vibrators for $15 each and I got $50 for your thermos."
  • Shekitout
    •
    19 years ago
    A lady goes to an antique store to look around. She sees a table she likes & asks the clerk H"ow much?" He replies"$200." She replies "too much." and keeps looking. She sees a sofa and finds out its price is $300. Too much. As she is leaving she sees a bowl on the counter with a small frog in it. She asks if it's real and the guy says yes. Is it for sale? Yes, $2. She buys the bowl with the frog and puts it in her guy. As she is driving she looks over at the bowl and sees the frog is crying. Aww! She stops her car and picks up the fog and kisses it. Immediately it turned into a hunky prince! You know what she turned into? The closest motel!
  • AbbieNormal
    •
    19 years ago
    What do a woman and a condom have in common. They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
  • Jpac73
    •
    19 years ago
    A woman puts an ad in the newspaper stating that she is looking for a Husband. She states that she is looking for a man who makes alot of money, Is kind & thoughtful, and is a good lover. The 1st guy comes by the house and rings the doorbell. She opens the door and greets him. She asks him does he make alot of money? He replies I own a chain of restaurants where I live. She then asks " Are you thoughtful & kind?" He says I donate money every year to the underprivledged kids in town. She says okay " are you a good lover?" He replies Well I don't know it's been a while since I have had any. She ends up turning him down. Another man comes by to answer the Ad. She opens the door as before and greets him. She then asks him the same 3questions. Are you a good lover? He says I am a professional Pornstar. So I guess I am good. So do you make a lot of money? Yes, I have a 6figure income. She said well are you thoughtful of others? He replies "Well I don't have much time with my schedule to concern myself with others. The lady ends up turning him away. Weeks go by and no man seems to fit the bill until one day this guy comes to her house. She hear's the doorbell ring and opens the door. The guy says Hi I am here to answer you ad in the paper. She says " Well I have 3questions for you. First of all, do you make alot of money? The man replies " I guess I do alright, I am a disable veteren, and recieve compensation for disabiltiy. The lady says okay are you thoughtful and kind of others? He replies I used to treat my Late wife like a queen. I would buy her flowers everyweek. The lady smiles and says "That's nice." I have one more question which I don't think you can fill. I am looking for a good lover, how can you be a good lover when you don't have any legs or arms? The man just looks at her and says " Hell I rung the doorbell didn't I?" Let this one Marinate on you a bit folks.
  • themailman
    •
    19 years ago
    Literally LOL at that last one...good one.
  • Shekitout
    •
    19 years ago
    The joke should have read "...since they can't have sex..." Sorry 'bout that.
  • Shekitout
    •
    19 years ago
    Two old people meet at a nursing home & decide they since they have sex at the nursing home they will do something as close to it as they can outside the home. They go to a nearby park and there on a bench in a secluded part of the park, the man unzips his pants and takes hi penis out and she holds it in her hand during lunchtime & then they return to the home. They do this everyday. one day she goes to his room for their dailyl rendezvous but he it not there. She goes down to the park to the bench and finds him sitting there with his penis out being held by another woman. She says to him "You son of a bitch, what does she have that I don't have?" He replies "Parkinsons"!
  • themailman
    •
    19 years ago
    An Asian couple immigrated to the US and opened a Chinese restaurant. One night, after an especially busy day, the husband says to the wife "I wanna sixty-nine." She says, "What you want with Cashew Chicken?"
  • themailman
    •
    19 years ago
    DavidS. Try some humor without the sarcasm, man. You just might have a good laugh! (Not that I think your contributions to this topic aren't relevant...they're just not funny.)
  • easyed14
    •
    19 years ago
    A recent survey was conducted as to why men like blow jobs; > 10% like the feeling > 12% like the dominance, and > 78% like the fucking silence
  • davids
    •
    19 years ago
    Q: What's the difference between a stripper and a prostitute? A: A prostitute at least tries to do something to earn her money.
  • davids
    •
    19 years ago
    Q: What does a stripper mean when she says you're her "friend"? A: She means you're her regular customer. Q: What does a stripper mean when she says you're her "boyfriend"? A: You are her regular customer who is spending an aweful lot of money. Q: What does a stripper mean when she tells a customer that she "likes" him? A: She likes his money. Q: What does a stripper mean when she tells a customer that she "loves" him? A: She loves his money. Q: What does a stripper hear when a customer says he "loves" her? Answer 1: He loves her lapdances or extras. Answer 2: This sucker thinks he's going to fuck me OTC for free! Q: What does a stripper mean when she calls a customer her "husband"? A: The customer is buying cars or jewellery or expensive dresses for her. He may be getting sex for cars and jewellery while they are still on the "honeymoon", but after the honeymoon is over, the sex ends. Q: What does a stripper meaning when she says she is going on a "date" with a customer? Answer 1: He's finally nagged me about it enough that I have to throw him a bone. If I don't I may lose his business. I'll wait for a night I'm not doing anything anyway, and then I'll try and hustle some money out of him. You get the idea...
  • AbbieNormal
    •
    19 years ago
    Possible urban legend: On a cross country redeye flight, just after reaching cruising altitude the pilot comes on the intercom to do his usual spiel. At the end, not realizing he still has his mike keyed on, he turns to his co-pilot. "Six more hours... I could really use a blowjob and a cup of coffee..." One of the flight attendants goes running toward the cockpit to tell the pilot he is still on intercom. From one of the seats comes the call "Miss, you forgot the coffee."
  • beardo2k
    •
    19 years ago
    What does a stripper do with her asshole before work? She drops him off at band practice.
  • AbbieNormal
    •
    19 years ago
    How do you know you're at a redneck wedding? All the guests sit on the same side of the church. How many strippers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "I can't do that in a lightbulb... but... the champagne room is REAAAAL private, and they almost never come back there..."
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