How to let go?

As I stated a few days ago, I'd seen an ATF after about two years. I called her a day ago, and she is moving out of her boyfriend's house after about two years. She was looking for a place to live. I wish I could have her move into one of the spare bedrooms I have. Not a chance to do this, but a pleasent thought, none the less! She said she would call me later, but to be honest, I do not think this will happen, but then I'd not expected to ever see her again.

Bighands, I think that's a pretty common story. Guys get lonely for one reason or another, start going to strip clubs and find a girl they like. The fact that she's (usually) unattainable makes her more attractive. And safer.

I thought I was alone in this. Two year ago I fell hard for a 19 yo sweety. I couldn't think of anything else but her. I am in a bad marriage, she is in a bad relationship. She said that although they live together, they don't sleep together. They only stay together for their daughter. We were an outlet for each other. We met OTC, I paid her, though she never asked me too. Never had intercourse, but lots of other good stuff. She was very loving, but would hardly ever kiss me. Like the song says, it is in her kiss. If she wouldn't kiss me, then it was not real.

Then one day, she calls me very upset. The guy has slept with her girlfriend who was staying with them. I was supportive of her and cared for her, but if she wasn't that involved with him, why the big tears? I believed she called me because she believes that I love her, And I did. That was one year ago, I have seen her only once OTC since and only stopped in a few times to say hi. But when I see her, all the emotions flood back and I want her.

SC for me were just a way to make up for lack of interest in the wife. For months, I went to other clubs, but couldn't get interested because I missed her so.

Now she calls to say hi on occassion, but it is not the same.

I just noticed that you said this only happened a couple weeks ago. That's way way way too soon to think about having any sort of relationship beyond the typical customer-dancer relationship. You're wondering what she thinks of you - chances are you're overanalyzing the whole situation, she probabaly doesn't think of you at all, you're just another guy who comes in to see her once in a while. Either walk away, which I guess is what you've decided to do (although I find that to be kinda sad) or develop a casaul realtionship with her, but take your time and let it develop slowly. And be prepared to accept that it may not develop at all. But what ever you do, don't bear your soul to her, you'll scare the shit out of her. You're at least a year away from that. And don't over analyze how she acts on any given night, you're reading way too much into that, it doesn't mean anything. If you have goals or objectives as to how you want to be with her, forget it, the chances of it happening the way you think you want it to are tiny. But if you're willing to accept whatever happens, go for it.

If anyone would have asked me what kind of relationship I hoped to achieve with my ATF 8 years ago, my answer would have been very different from what she and I have today. But I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything. I'm so glad that what I thought I wanted didn't come true. What I have now is much better.

JC: It sounds to me like there's virtually no chance that she has mutual feelings for you as has been suggested. Either she is feeling seriously creeped out, or she has scarcely taken notice of your intense feelings, and you are reading way too much into her obliviousness and indifference. The former sounds likely, because she is so young she may not have yet learned how to exploit lovesick customers, so her instinct is to run away. A more experienced stripper might try to play you.

The creep out reaction, by the way, is not unique to strippers and wide age disparities. It's a common reaction in any relationship where one party suddenly expresses wild infatuation or fervor that seems out of proportion and unrealistic to its recipient. As a kid, I went through a few episodes on each end - creep and creeped - before I caught on.

All of our advice about "following it wherever it goes" is moot if she declines to take part. So, I'd say your best course for putting it behind you is to try to appreciate the poignancy and humor in a sweet delusion that anyone with a heart has been lucky to go through to some degree, and to remain open to similar feelings the next time around.

That's been pretty much my experience except that we never broke it off, we've remained friends. I think a lot of these girls welcome a father figure into their lives. A lot of these girls have never had an older stable male in their lives and enjoy having one. But you have to be satisfied with that role. If you expect sex then you become just like all the other men who've tried to take advantage of them and it won't work. Intimacy is fine but don't expect sex if you want it to last. Mine has been going on for 9 years, we've become closer than ever and it's been very satisfying.

JC2003,

A few years ago I developed a relationship with a dancer. She was 20 at the time, and I was 53. I am sure I was the father figure. She would confide in me and ask for advice. I would not say there was love involved, at least in a romantic way. I saw her outside the club and in the club, and she always sat with me. After she moved to a club to far away for me to visit easily. I told her that I couldn’t take it this way. I believe I hurt her, at least that is the impression I got from her. That was almost two years ago. A week ago Friday, I saw her again. How is not important. She was quite friendly and I asked if I could call her again. Yes was the answer. I haven’t called yet, as meeting might be a problem. I have to mention that I am married and she lives with her boyfriend, so I have to see what happens. I’ll try to set a lunch with her so we can talk. By the way, during those nearly two years, I never got over her or stopped thinking of her at times. So many things reminded me of our good times together.

I would think one of two things are happening with that girl. Either you are creeping her out, or she doesn't see you as "just another customer." Maybe she has feelings for you? Hard to say. I guess there are three options. Stay away and just let it fade away. Continue with what you are doing and see where it goes. Or just be blunt and ask her if she is feeling anything too, or if its just your imagination. It's tough meeting someone in these clubs for more than the show. Too much baggage, and I think, when a girl retires, she doesn't want to advertise she was a stripper if she gets a "legitimate" job.

I knew a stripper who was heavily involved with a guy. He did not know she was a stripper (she only did it part-time to earn extra cash. Had a sales job full time.). She finally told him. He freaked out and broke it off. She never made the same mistake again.

I appreciate the feedback and sentiment in this thread. I promise not to pull an RL on you guys.

I have decided to stop going to the club. As much as I enjoy going, everytime I see this girl, the wheels start turning, and I have a hard time enjoying myself. Talking to the other girls who I have casually befriended at the club helps, but the other girls are there to work.

Anyways, I was getting weird signals from her. You know like when dancers start walking by you and looking in your direction a lot but never ask you for dances? And when you try to make eye contact or get their attention, they suddenly act like you don't exist? When I tip her on the stage, she puts on a big fake smile, takes the dollar, loses the smile, and moves away quickly, avoiding eye contact with you for the rest of her set.

I must be creeping her out something fierce, I guess. Ah well.

Shadowcat, I could have written your first several sentences. The difference is the ending, we're still close friends. I know exaclty what you mean about loving her in a very special way. If I had it to do over again I wouldn't change a thing.

I also have to agree with Chandler. "At every point where you have a choice, choose foolishness." Good advice. As long as you're willing to pay the price.

And, above all, when there are new developments, come back here and entertain us. Just don't pull no RL on us, OK?

If you "just follow it wherever it goes", as FONDL says, that may turn out to be the best way to let go, as well. Once your starry-eyed state of bliss has played itself out, your obsession will return to earth out of exhaustion if nothing else. So, it's better not to try to manage it or allow it to simmer for too long. At every point where you have a choice, chose foolishness.

I based my opinion on the belief that during our early lives (eg. our teenage years) we're often on an emotional roller coaster - we experience a lot of really high highs and a lot of really low lows in the emotions department especially regarding the opposite sex. And that as we mature the highs tend to get a little lower and the lows a little higher until eventually we can barely tell the difference. And at first that's a welcome change but eventually we begin to miss the big emotional swings, especially the highs, because we realize that those were the moments in our lives when we were most alive. And that leads to the typical mid-life crisis. I've found relationships with strippers can be a good way to stir up the emotional landscape once in awhile if you can do it without getting out of control. I also think that every choice comes with a price, and if you aren't willing to pay the price you should avoid the choice and just walk away from it. The difficulty is that you may not know what that price is going to be.

In the immortal words of Ed McMahon, "You are correct, Sir!." I agree with FONDL. I might also agree with Yoda, but I can't tell that until he voices an opinion on the issue.

I think ChiTown actually agrees with FONDL, as do I to an extent. My original comment was based on the assumption you wanted to let go (thus the qualifier at the beginning you might want to consider). FONDL raises the other possibility, enjoy it while it lasts, just don't get too caught up. By the time we've hit 30, most guys have experienced both unrequited love and a major breakup, so it's not as if the feelings will be unknown, there is just the added complication that she'll probably never dump you as long as you show up with money so leaving or moving on can be complicated. This is where most guys go wrong, trying to use money to move things to the next level or keep things going. If you keep your head, it can be fun. I actually hooked up once in a similar situation, although I never flattered myself into believing I was anything other than a kinky fling for her. I got over it. Other factors to consider. Do you have a SO? Do you want to? Don't let her take the place of dating women OTC who could make you happy. All part of the try to keep it in perspective approach.

I agree with Yoda. Irrational bliss and unspeakable pain are both part of the human experience. Embrace them both, at the same time if possible. "Let the broken hearts stand as the price you had to pay."

I've not only encountered this situation, I've thoroughly enjoyed it. Here's my advice, which is probably the opposite of what everyone else will say: If it's what you want, assume that she likes you as a person and act accordingly. Realize that it's going to cost you and be willing to invest in it, just don't spend more than you can afford. Also realize that some day it's going to end. Don't try to force anything or manage it, just follow it wherever it goes. Enjoy it while it lasts. The good memories will last forever. Good luck.

Well, there is the longshot possibility that she might like you, and at the risk of reviving the spectre of davids you may want to consider that (admitedly very remote) possibility. After all, someone wins the lottery. Now in the most likely scenario, that she likes you as a good customer and possibly as a "friend" who makes her working hours a little nicer I don't have much to offer. Remember that she will probably want to do her best to keep you interested and coming in. Also consider the possibility that she could see the opportunity to take you to the cleaners. My best advise is take a break from her. Try a different club, a different dancer, something to keep from seeing her for a while. No need to explain to her what you are doing. Don't give her your number or e-mail. After a month or two see how you feel about the whole thing. We're all human, and in a fantasy heavy environment we're bound to start seeing what we want to see in people. Things like this happen to us all at some point. Just don't equate money with affection. You can't buy her (at best you can maybe rent her) so don't try.

rubs salt in wound

Seriously though, I have never really ran into this problem personally. Just remind yourself that if she has got you feeling like this, it just means she is really good at her job.