Losing my edge ... and LIKING it! ... mostly ...

Hi guys, just thought I'd post something that's more of a "journal entry" than a discussion post, but you might find some of these thoughts interesting anyway. Your thoughts are always welcome. Unless of course you're one of the psycho dudes who's already on my "ignore" list, in which case, GO AHEAD and flame, I won't see your post anyway!

So, y'all who remember me know that I've been doing what I call "mongering" for about twenty years. I first began to be a regular strip-club attender back in the early 1990s, when I lived in Toronto. I discovered, among other distractions, the amazing brothel-plus-strip-club that was Fantasia in the suburb of Richmond Hill, and thereafter followed a decade and a half of wandering about the continent looking for things that compared. Never really got any experiences that totally matched up to that level of excitement. I've posted a thousand times, on a thousand boards, about a thousand ideas related to sexuality and my drive to get it. It's been running my life, but not in a bad way. Here's what I mean.

Mostly I'm just a horny regular dude, nothing out of the ordinary, wouldn't say I'm "sexually addicted" since I don't actually experience serious detriment to central areas of my life or work as a trade-off for my sexual escapades. For example, during the times that I didn't have money for mongering, I simply didn't monger. I'd skip strip clubs, save up, attend another venue that cost less, just "use" the internet for what it was meant to be used for, that sort of thing. At one stage I scheduled a "monger's trip" to Houston, solely to get my bone in Houston high-service clubs. At another stage went to Amsterdam and really went hog-wild with the window-girls, by my reckoning an average of four a week for about four weeks ... but that's not really a LOT of sessions with prostitutes, relative to what some guys report on Amsterdam-specific boards. So I didn't really think of myself as someone who "had a problem," and I still don't. I never lost a job merely because I was out late mongering; I never went bankrupt or got arrested or got an STD (that I know of! in fact, the only STD symptoms I've ever experienced were given to me by a civilian regular girlfriend who was not a particularly sexually active person, and not given to me by any professional). But I also always wondered, wow wouldn't it have been nice to have saved a lot of this money and put it into my 401K and yet still have had an enjoyable life?

I mean, I didn't actually REGRET spending the money. But I also wasn't PROUD of it, and I certainly didn't tell the rest of the world. My co-workers and family (parents, siblings, cousins; I have no spouse or children, never been married) has no clue, I hope, that I screw prostitutes as essentially my only sexual outlet, or that I attend strip clubs in low-key or high-key party atmosphere as essentially my only social outlet. It was just weird and I knew it. I mongered on my own, with a "regular" strip club in whatever city I happened to live in, with a generally comfortable but "needy" attitude toward it. And I kept thinking, something tantamount to, the idea that I would NOT monger if I didn't "have to" merely in order to get my hands on attractive women.

I had always convinced myself (wrongly? or rightly? doesn't matter, I was convinced) that I was utterly undesirable to women, and that the hottest women were more interested in jerking my chain and making me feel miserable than in getting together for "legitimate" sexual and romantic liaisons. I basically just had the ASSUMPTION that I was inherently a pathetic loser. I had read up on the pick-up boards that you can change this assumption and that you can start to "work" your way into a different social circle, but I had known about those boards since about 1999 and yet hadn't ever seen much positive result in my life. I tried half-heartedly to become a "PUA" or to fuck strippers or to never go to strip clubs again or to not care whether I went to strip clubs or ... whatever the "solution" of the month was.

Well, I've had two or three major changes in my life in the last five years, or so, that have really knocked a dent in my mongering. I no longer "need" to monger the way I used to. I notice that my "need" is diminished in other capacities in my life, too. For instance, when I drink alcohol, I no longer "need" to consume LOTS of alcohol to the point of obliteration. Previously, I was somehow "letting myself down" if I stopped imbibing, or otherwise let my foot off of the throttle. I felt like I had to "push it to the max" every time. Now, afterwards, I feel more like, if I want one drink, I'll have one drink, but that having several is kind of boring. And that's how I feel about lap-dances and about mongering in general, too.

This change has at least one major advantage. That is, that I'm building a more "normal" (what IS "normal" anyway?) and "legitimate" social circle. I have friends I spend time with on weekends. I know about their wives, husbands, kids. I help walk their dog when they go out of town. I visit their place off-the-cuff if I'm doing a weekend errand in their neighborhood. I had thought that I didn't have a "sex addiction" problem (and, can one really be "addicted" to sex? I think that's a problematic concept in the first place), but the reason I thought I didn't have a problem was, that I saw that my mongering wasn't really impacting my work or my bank account or my family relationships at all. I didn't argue with mom, or steal the family TV to cover my gambling debts, or take addictive substances (aside from, maybe, ahem, alcohol and tobacco), and certainly no illegal activity with drugs and money. The illegality was limited to the most "victimless" prostitution I could engage in, stuff that might theoretically still have an economic or social "victim" in the sense that the feminists would suggest if they were anti-prostitution feminists but which, to me, really was win-win for the male and the female, for me and the provider. But, what I hadn't realized was, mongering was taking a toll on my RELATIONSHIPS. Like, I didn't get hot girls to date me.

Like, that IS the point of mongering, for me. Hot girls. I know a lot of guys who date some hot girls, then go to strip clubs anyway. I know guys who enjoy sex with their hot girlfriends but also try to get laid at strip clubs and sometimes get the rub-and-tug at the Asian massage parlor anyway. I wasn't like that. To me, mongering, with Asian massage or internet call-girls or just at a strip club (technically maybe lap-dances aren't really "wh*&e-mongering" but I use the word "monger" to include lappers, just as an easy short hand), all those things that I did, were all about REPLACEMENT sexuality. Couldn't get it in real life, therefore "had to" or "was forced to" or "am required to" go get it for money.

Oh, by the way, I know I know, sometimes the sex you get for money costs a lot less than the sex you get for free. No debate from me on that one. :) Not arguing the contrary. Just tellin' my own tale.

So there I was, going to strip clubs and thinking, gosh, wouldn't it be nice if I could DATE a girl who looks as good as that girl there. And gosh, maybe THAT one who is so nice to me, maybe she REALLY likes me. Pathetic loser, right? I knew it was a vain and stupid fantasy and that, even if there was the off-chance that a girl and I "hit it off," there were still a thousand other hurdles to cross -- the difference between her and my socio-economic and educational backgrounds, her drug habits, her druggy-habit-y friends and co-workers, the fact that her getting with me means losing me as a customer, etc. etc.. I never really harbored belief that the fantasy would come true. But it was the only avenue to a "real connection" that I had.

And that's kind of sad. I know guys who go to strip clubs with their male friends, and male-bond over beers, and also enjoy the women. I am not one of those guys. I know guys who know the dancers because they went to high school with them, and sometimes work at the clubs, and sometimes after-party with the girls and even if they don't fuck the strippers in particular they tend to be dating the strippers' friends who, gee what a surprise, are also young and quasi-hot women. I am not one of those guys. I know a few very happy married men who attend strip clubs to make up for their wives' detrimental ageing bodies. I am not one of those guys. I know of men who are BALANCED about their use of mongering, who integrate it into an otherwise NON-needy life, in a sane way. It turns out, I wasn't one of those guys either.

So what the hell happened? What changed? Why don't I "need" to monger anymore? And really, I don't even "enjoy" lappers the way I used to. In the last half-year or year, I can see that I have basically gotten to where one stripper is just another stripper, and no matter how great she smells or looks or hits me in the solar plexus with her physical perfection, it's just a physical response. I haven't even really gotten hard-ons recently when watching stage dances, and yes there were some awesome stage-dances that I recently watched. I think so much more of myself now, than as someone who is controlled by his desires. My "neediness" has just evaporated.

I have two answers to why.

One is, a beneficial change of career. I am no longer "nobody." I don't know, exactly, when "nobody" status descended onto me -- I can look back on my self-perceptions basically back to mid-teens (I'm mid-forties now) and what I see is, that during high school I thought I was the total Shit and yes I was. I dated the girl who, a few years later, would be our school's homecoming queen, she looked hot, we made out. And then later, when I look back on a later time in my life, what I see is, that I was the total Loser and yes I was. I didn't date anybody, didn't know how, just "knew" that the girls were going to diss on me and treat me awful, wondered why I never met attractive women, wondered why I hated my job, why did I have to TRY so goddamned hard to get ahead in this world. My attitude toward myself changed. I don't know why or when. Maybe I need to figure that out?

Here's the metaphor: ya know, everybody has some work-loads at some times of the year that are just TOO MUCH to get accomplished. Well, some people go to their boss and say, "Man, you assigned me tons o' shit, I don't think I can do it all, I mean I WANT to and I certainly will do what I can over this weekend but at some point it's not all going to get done and so we need to plan on figuring out how to fix that so it DOES get done ... blah blah." And boss says, "Oh, OK, let's see what we can reassign, let's get you an assistant or some intern for this or that routine task, let's reconsider, or at least let's look at it and figure out why you find it so hard because your predecessors have been able to do it all." But me, I say the SAME DAMN THING to my boss, and boss just says, "Yeah, loser, I didn't think you'd ever get it all done. You know, nobody on the planet is as lazy as you." I wonder why my impact on my boss has always seemed to be so detrimental even though I was presenting to him or her the same information that, in the mouths of other people, was instead beneficial to them and their relationship with boss. Why was it SO DIFFICULT to get ahead?

So, I leapfrogged. I got a law degree. I know, being a pussy-whipped little whelp junior associate at a big firm who's nevertheless in his mid-forties is probably bottom-of-the-totem-pole experience. But for me, first, I'm not going to a big firm to be pussy-whipped. Much more than ever before, I run my own life. I choose where in the market to insert my skills and I try to make a profit off of them. I'm WANTED by my society, at least a little bit. Rather than "yet another" dude with an excellent education (my school was in the top 5 of the nation, this year, in Chronicle of Higher Ed) and "yet another" English Master's Degree from an Ivy League graduate institution ... and making less than $20K a year ... suddenly I VALUED myself because PEOPLE AROUND ME weren't just treating me like "yet another." I had no idea this would come about! I didn't want to be "impressive" when I decided I wanted a law degree. I wanted to know about how to fix my home town's legal problems (New Orleans post-Katrina). I wanted a chance to make some more money (hahah, who knew the legal market was going to bottom out!). But instead I learned, that when other people approve of you rather than just ignore you, that you suddenly don't feel invisible any more. (BTW, I think I know what middle-aged women who lose their visual luster mean, when they say they "feel invisible." I compare that, to where I was at BEFORE my law degree.)

Second, aside from the law degree and better career opportunities, there's the other thing. I got diagnosed. Doctors call it a bunch of things -- ADD, ADHD, head trauma, variety seeker syndrome, etc. etc.. Basically, I'm not very good at OTHER people's office systems. I like running MY OWN office, my OWN relationships. I can't integrate into a system that someone else has set up. Not, because I'm stupid and inept -- which is the usual assumption at a workplace, if you can't recall that you have to FILE as well as DUPLICATE the TRS report. Instead, it's because I need to see the big picture to UNDERSTAND the system before I can remember it. I need to have overarching instruction, not minute. So, at least now I know what to look for, if ever I try to integrate myself into someone else's system again. Look for a boss who doesn't want me to disappear into the one-cog-in-a-machine system, if I can find him or her. Or, if i can't find him or her, then, at least admit to myself, that it's not MY FAULT that "it's so much harder" for me. I just have an essential make-up that doesn't work in their system. I don't need to keep trying harder and harder. That won't help, it'll just frustrate me.

Frustrated, was who I was. I was frustrated that I couldn't get the girls, so I went to the strip clubs. Which frustrated me even more. I was frustrated that I couldn't get ahead at work, so I tried even harder at work. Which frustrated me even more. Diagnosis told me, "Hey, dude, you need to DEFUSE your frustration, not CLAMP DOWN on it." I needed to lift the lid off the pressure cooker, not seal it even tighter onto the boiling kettle. And I needed to take drugs.

Dude, drugs work. I love my Prozac. My frustration is piffled away. I notice when hot-enough chicks notice me. I flirt. Something might happen. I see subtle interactions at the strip club that I didn't see before. I notice when I'm worrying some hyper-sensitive stripper chick (and I decide whether or not to bother to stop worrying her), I notice when I piss off the bartender (they used to just get huffy for what was, to me, absolutely NO apparent reason at all). I can do social interaction. Maybe I can get a hot girl.

I have so many advantages. Solvent, running my own (not very profitable) small business. With advanced degrees. With a great supportive family network that will bankroll my business for a little while. With no kids, no lame-ass fat middle-aged middle-American wife who whines at me. With free time to run the business, WHICH I DAMN-WELL ENJOY DOING! I like Quickbooks. I like Practice Management software. I really like finding clients! Advertising and self-marketing is, uh, FUN, believe it or not! And I have the chance to actually enjoy some shit for a while. I'm not "needy" for the things that I used to "have to have," not half as much as before. Prozac, Valium, Adderal, Ritalin, Lithium all those other things ... well, some are just crazy shit. But for me, one or another of them has helped with the defusing of frustration.

So, why do I write all this? Hell, I dunno. I think it's a great development for me. It's been going on for a little while and I've shared some of it, and there's really nowhere else that I can post stuff like this. I mean, you don't call up Oprah and say, "I used to fuck four Amsterdam prostitutes a week and now I don't even want to go to a strip club because I find that TRYING to pick up a hot girl at a law-school mixer is MORE fun!" You wouldn't want your mom to see you say that on TV. :)

I wonder if it will stick. I wonder if it's all just the drugs. I wonder if it's maybe that I'm getting older, and a little fatter. Gaining weight has helped reduce the libido for a lot of things, sex and "excitement." I like being "normal" fat. It's only about ten "vanity" pounds extra, invisible if I'm in a business suit (though I'm not aerobically healthy at all). What I wonder is, where is my "drive"? I never used to be overweight because I was frustrated all the time, frustrated that my 10K run time was too high, so I was always pushing pushing. Frustrated that I didn't have the big biceps that I wanted. Frustrated that even though I did tons of bicep curls, I didn't GET the big biceps that I wanted. Frustrated that chicks didn't like my biceps. Now I just figure, hey, some chicks go for biceps, but some chicks go for lawyers regardless of bicep size. I'll find some of THOSE chicks. But I have no oomph, no "edge," no get-up-and-go for it. The Prozac regimen has reduced my "neediness" and that's good, because it means I have faded out of the interest in mongering, and out of the interest in alcohol binge-drinking. But it also reduced my "neediness" to succeed at ... well ... anything.

I took the lotos. And I like it. :P