Worst lapdance ever

Don't have a single standout dance, but the worst 10 either involved a dancer thinking she was practicing for a bucking bronco contest, or not getting near the value that I hoped for.

FONDL no little wifey to explain to so that wasn't a problem. The club offered to pay for the emergency room costs in Dallas but I figured it might be better just to take the hit on this one. I told the insurance company that I had tipped over a chair in a bar and gave as little infomation as possible lol

Guys, I have no doubt she thought she was stimulating me, it was just that she did it so poorly it was the exact wrong kind of stimulus. It was more like the "OK I'll tell you everythingjustmakeitstop" stimulus.

That's easy. Without a doubt, my worst lap dance was about 4years ago. It was at an all nude club known for ultra-high mileage. I was approached by this very attractive, tall blonde. She came over to me reached down and started shifting gears through my pants and then asked if I wanted to join her in the VIP room. At about that point, I was unable to say no.

VIP's at this club are $40 each with a three song minimum. She took me back to a very private room, stripped off all her clothes and asked for payment in advance. I paid her my $120 and as she began to dance.

As she began her dance, I noticed a very repugnant odor from her as she got closer. At first, I thought it was body odor but in just a short amount of time, I realized she smelled like shit! She got up on the couch I was sitting on and straddled my face from a reasonable distance. At that point, I noticed she had a small, but powerful, piece of toilet paper hanging from her butthole. At this point, I began to pray that she would get no closer, but God rarely listens to me. She turned around with her ass about a foot away from my face and started moving towards me. As she moved closer, my head moved further back until I had the back of my head up against the wall. There was no further retreat. As she moved closer, I kept hearing the theme from "Jaws" in head. There's no doubt in my mind that she planned on sticking it right up into my face and I didn't know what to do!

Finally, with her about four inches from my face and me ready to blow chunks, I asked her to stop! With nearly two and a half pre-paid songs still remaining, I made up some lame excuse that I had just remembered I had to be at a friends house 15 minutes ago. I apologized for cutting our session short and told her I didn't expect any refund. I just wanted to get out of there ASAP and didn't give a shit (pun intended) about the money. Too bad! She really was a fine looking woman!

FONDL: Yes, it's done in lieu of using her hands. Around here, they usually do it right at the start while she's standing over you. The intent is to get you hard, or at least get you going, before she turns around and lowers her ass onto your lap. Then, she may bring her hands into play more covertly. Actually, the shin thing looks pretty overt , although it's a weak substitute.

I've had girls do that too. I think it's because they know guys like a certain amount of rubbing there but the girl probably doesn't want or maybe isn't supposed to use her hand. It has never done much for me. I believe I've also had girls use their bare feet to the same purpose. Must have been a soccer player at one time.

AN: Your knee-to-the-nuts babe was probably botching a technique I've seen a lot where the girls lightly rubs her shin up and down on your crotch. It doesn't do much for me, but it's not unpleasant or at all painful. I don't know if it's a regional thing. I' guess I've seen it mostly in Michigan.

Very recently I had a dancer who grinded on me so hard that she actually left a large bruise. Since my...uhm...."hardware" is much smaller (at least compared to you gentlemen) & safely buried, she apparently thought that she had to jackhammer me to gain access to it. Bless her stupid, but well-intentioned heart. Later that evening I explained to mrs. lopaw that the bruise was a result of a nasty table bump. Bless mrs. lopaw's concerned, yet gullible heart.

Another time I had a VERY drunk dancer slip while dancing for me, and she slammed her chin onto the bridge of my nose. HARD. Hurt like hell, and I got outta there quickly after that. If it was any consolation, at least she didn't throw up on me.

Golfer, and how did we explain that to the little wifey and the big bad insurance company? I'd love to have been a fly on the wall for those conversations (lol.)

Mine was in a club in Dallas that I won't name. It was actually a tableside lap dance arranged by my drunk friends. Metal backed chairs, dancer climbed on my lap, her legs on my thighs and put her overly ample breasts right in my face or actually my face right between them. I sort of leaned back, taken by surprised, the chair turned over she fell on me and I ended up in the emergency room with a strained back. What a way to end a road trip. lol

Ouch! You must have really said someting wrong to her, or maybe the guy before you did. I've had a few total air dances in clubs where that wasn't the norm, but nothing particularly painful. Actually the worst ones were probably a couple times when girls let me know they were doing me a large favor by taking my money. I remember one in particular in a big terrible club in Springfield, Mass., that was getting good reviews until I slammed it, and whose name I don't care to remember. I can stomach almost anything except that kind of attitude.

Anyway I'd rather remember the really good ones.

Once, in a club were I gone to the VIP area about 3 times, which were GREAT! On my 4th trip there the dancer I took back wasn't bad, and that was the reason the dance was bad. I didn't even stay the alloted time. It was all air! I finally just got up, paid her, and left.

I could go into types of bad lapdances. There is the airdance dancer in the non-airdance club, experienced many times. There is the dancer who grinds too hard, also experienced many times. There is the dancer who thinks you're there to hear her whine about anything and everything and not actually dance. There is the dancer who smells bad. And then there was the dancer I had who I had at a nude club, didn't even go topless, and went with the airdance, and couldn't even do that right, just standing there. It was like she was a ghost.