A Monger's Guide to Spanish in Tijuana

A year ago I made my maiden voyage to Tijuana. It was amazing, and since then my mongering life has revolved around making my way back to this sacred paradise. Preparing for that first trip, I searched everywhere for an easy one-stop guide to speaking Spanish in la Zona Norte. I wanted one article I could read on the flight that would help me brush up on the Mexican lingo I'd need to deal with Chicas both in the bar, and in the boudoir. I couldn't find anything. And so, I've endeavored to put together this guide. I've packed it full of all the Spanish you'll need to know from the moment you cross the border until you're back at US Customs. I've broken it down into sections for dealing with Taxi Drivers, Receptionists, Viajeros, Meseros, Chicas, and finally Paraditas. If you're in a hurry, skip to the sections for Chicas and Paraditas. That's where the most essential stuff is. Buyer beware: I'm still learning to speak Spanish myself. We learn by doing. I welcome your corrections and suggestions in the comments, especially from those who are fluent speakers. To my fellow mongers who have yet to experience the carnal delights of TJ, I had you in mind when writing this guide. I hope I'm able to help speed your maiden voyage. Let's go! / Vámonos! ::::: Taxi Drivers / Los Taxistas ::::: Where is the taxi stand? / ¿Dónde está la parada de taxis? A taxi, please / Un taxi, por favor I'm going... / Voy... ...to Chicago Club / al Chicago Club ...to Hong Kong Club / al Hong Kong Club ...to Hotel Ticuan / al Hotel Ticuan ...to the border crossing / a la frontera How much? / ¿Cuanto? Do you accept dollars? / ¿Aceptan dólares? $8, OK? / Ocho dóleras, ¿bien? Don't forget my suitcase, please / No olvides mi maleta, por favor Thanks, goodbye / Gracias, adiós #Key numbers for Taxi Drivers: Eight / Ocho (The price you should probably pay to get from PedEast to HK or CC, in dollars.) Ten / Diez (The price they'll try charge you. Pay it or haggle for a few bucks, up to you.) 15 / Quince (Yikes, find another cab.) 150 / Ciento cincuenta (What you should pay, in pesos.) 200 / Doscientos 250 / Doscientos cincuenta (You just got in and told him "Hong Kong" without even asking the price, didn't you?) ::::: Hotel Receptionist / El Recepcionista del Hotel ::::: Good day / Buenos días Good afternoon / Buenas tardes Good evening / Buenas noches I'm checking in / Hago el check-in I have a reservation for two nights / Tengo una reservación para dos noches I don't have a reservation / No tengo una reservación I need... / Necesito... ...a single room / una habitación sencilla ...a double room / una habitación doble ...a Jacuzzi suite / una Jacuzzi suite ...a half-hour room / una habitación de media hora ...an hour room / una habitación de una hora ...to pay for the room / pagar la habitación My name is Ron Jax / Mi nombre es Ron Jax Credit card, OK? / Tarjetas de crédito, bien? Do you take credit cards? / ¿Aceptan tarjetas de crédito? What's the WiFi password? / ¿Cuál es la clave del WiFi? Can you send a room attendant... / ¿Puedes enviar a un viajero... ...to unlock the safe? / para abrir la caja fuerte? ...with a remote control for my TV? / con un control remoto para mi televisor? ...to clean my room? / a limpiar mi habitación? I'd like to order room service / Me gustaría pedir el servicio de habitaciones Excuse me, what time is breakfast? / Disculpe, ¿cuál es el horario de desayuno? (For the Ticuan enjoyers.) I need to check out out / Necesito hacer el check-out (You remembered your receipt for the mini bar deposit, right?) #Key numbers for Receptionists in Tijuana: One / Uno Two / Dos Three / Tres Four / Cuatro Five / Cinco (Lucky you, staying that many nights) 20 / Viente (HH room rate at Hotel Jalos at CC) 40 / Cuarenta (30-40 min room rate at Cascadas at HK) 80 / Ochenta (2 hours short-term room at Jalos, or 1 hour at Cascadas. Either way it sounds like fun.) ::::: Room Attendants / Viajeros ::::: (Viajeros literally means "voyager" and it's what they call the room attendants at Cascadas and elsewhere.) Please, I need... / Por favor, necesito... ...extra towels / toallas extras ...clean sheets / sábanas limpias ...condoms and lube / condones y lubricante ...bubble bath for the jacuzzi / baño de burbujas para el jacuzzi ...Viagra / Viagra ...Cialas / Cialas ...a few of those little toothbrushes with toothpaste / algunos de esos pequeños cepillos de dientes con pasta de dientes The safe isn't working / La caja fuerte no funciona (You'll need this phrase, I guarantee it.) Could you clean my room, please? / ¿Podrías limpiar mi habitación, por favor? I'm late for my flight, can you check the refrigerator quickly? / Llego tarde a mi vuelo, ¿podrías revisar el refrigerador rápidamente? #Key numbers for Viajeros: Five / Cinco (The price of a box with lube and two crappy condoms at Cascadas. Better to bring your own.) Ten / Diez (The price of a Viagra or Cialis, but you might get a deal on five or more.) ::::: Waiters / Los Meseros y Las Meseras ::::: A beer, please / Una cerveza, por favor I would like... / Quiero... Do you have... / ¿Tienes... ...Tecate / Tecate? ...Tecate light / Tecate lite? ...Corona / Corona? (Nope, they never have Corona.) ...bourbon / borbón? ...whiskey / whisky? ...water / aqua? A tip, for you / Una propina, para ti Excuse me, where is... / Disculpe, dónde está... ...the bathroom / el baño ...the shaving cream show / el espectáculo de crema de afeitar ...the robe attendant / el asistente de bata ...the exit / la salida Help me meet... / Ayúdame a conocer... ...a girl with big boobs / una chica con chi chis grandes ...a voluptuous woman / una mujer voluptuosa ...a spinner / una flaca ...a fit girl / una chica en forma ...a blonde / una rubia ...a brunette / una morena ...a goth girl / una chica gótica ...a MILF / una MQMF ...a new girl / una chica nueva ...a girl who likes... / una chica que le guste... ...anal sex / el sexo anal ...BBBJ / la mamada sin condón A beer and a table for us both / Una cerveza y una mesa para los dos Yes, another beer for us both, please / Si, otra cerveza para los dos, por favor Can you change a twenty? / ¿Puedes cambiar una veintena? Singles dollars, please / Solteros dólares, por favor We would like to go... / Nos gustaría ir... ...to the VIP room / a la sala VIP ...for a privado / por un privado Thanks, friend, we're going upstairs / Gracias, amigo, vamos arriba (Spanish nouns are gendered, so it's "gracias, amiga" if you're talking to a mesera or another chica.) Later! / Ahorita! (Literally "now", but Mexicans will use "ahorita" to mean "whenever I get around to it, probably never." It's an appropriate retort to that mesero who won't quit bugging you for food orders. Or also for that random unwanted chica asking you for propinas.) Are you kidding me!? / No mames! (Literally, "don't suck". Say this if a mesero does something really obnoxious, like swooping in to pick up ficha beers too early.) No more, thanks / No más, gracias No more for her, thanks / No más para ella, gracias (She just didn't get the hint, did she?) #Numbers to know when dealing with Meseros: Four / Quatro (The price of a beer at CC) Five / Cinco (A beer at HK) Ten / Diez (The price of a ficha beer) 20 / Viente 30 / Trienta (The price of a wine ficha, why did you just let her order that?) 100 / Cien (If you're changing "un billete de cien dólares", make a mental note of the mesero's badge number.) ::::: Strippers / Las Chicas ::::: Pardon me, are you busy / Perdón, ¿estás ocupada? Hi, would you like a beer? / Hola, ¿queires una cerveza? (You could also ask if she wants "a drink / una bebida", but if you're at HK she's going to order a $30 wine ficha, so specifically offer beer instead.) Please order beer instead of wine, so I can tip you more / Por favor, pida cerveza en lugar de vino, para que pueda darle más propinas What's going on? / ¿Qué pasa? How are you? / ¿Qué tal? (More appropriate if you have already met her once before.) What's your name? / ¿Cómo te llamas? How do you spell your name? / ¿Cómo se escribe tu nombre? I'm Ron, nice to meet you / Soy Ron, mucho gusto Do you speak english? / ¿Hablas inglés? My Spanish is very bad / Mi español es muy malo How old are you? / Cuántos años tienes? I'm 39 years old / Tengo treinta y nueve años Where are you from? / ¿De dónde eres? I'm from the U.S / Soy de Estados Unidos (This is obvious to her, so know the translation for your city or state.) I'm... / Soy... ...a farmer / granjero ...an engineer / ingeniero ...a mechanic / mecánico ...a banker / banquero ...a businessman / un hombre de negocios ...an astronaut / astronauta (I mean, why the fuck not?) I'm... / Estoy... ...excited / emocionado ...very happy / muy feliz ...drunk / borracho ...tired / cansado ...nervous / nervioso ...honry / arrecho (Literally, "I'm bothered.") ...hard for you / al palo para ti I'm... / Tengo... ...sleepy / sueño ...hungry / hambre (Notice that Spanish has two different verbs for "to be". You'll use "ser" when talking about a permanent state, and "estar" for the temporary or ephemeral, like how you feel. To make things more complicated, in Spanish the verb "tenar / to have" is used to express age and physical needs. Here's an example of all three verbs in action, all cases where in English we'd say "I am": Soy Ron. Soy de Nueva Jersey. Tengo treinta y nueve años. Soy astronauta. Estoy emocionado y muy feliz, pero tengo hambre.) Do you like... / ¿Te gusta.. I'm looking for a girl who likes... / Busco una chica que le guste... ...weed / la mota ...tequila / el tequila ...BBBJ / la mamada sin condón ...deepthroat / el sexo oral profundo ...anal sex / el sexo anal ("Greek / la griego" also works here.) ...backdoor action / la trastienda ...DATY / el buceo (literally, "diving") ...a threesome, foursome, or fiveway / el trio, el cuarteto, o el quinteto Do you like... / ¿Te gustan... I'm looking for a girl who likes... / Busco una chica que le gusten... ...to kiss a lot / muchos besos ...footrubs / los masajes en los pies (We're using "gustan" or "gusten" instead of "gusta" or "guste" in these last two cases, because the things we're talking about are plural.) What's your favorite position? / ¿Cuál es tu posición favorita? You're... / Eres... ...beautiful / hermosa ...TOO beautiful / demasiado hermosa ...hot / buenas ...good looking / guapa ...pretty / bonita ...my favorite / mi favorita ...exciting / emocionante ...too expensive for me / demasiado caro para mí (Spanish adjectives are gendered. She is "hermosa, casada, o borracha", and you, the male PL, are "hermoso, cansado, o borracho.") You aren't my type / No eres mi tipo Will you dance for me? / ¿Bailarás para mí? Can I touch your tits? / ¿Puedo tocar tus tetas? Can I rub your pussy? / ¿Puedo frotar tu chocha? (You could also call it "la panocha", which might sound more playful than "la chocha".) A tip, for you / Una propina, para ti (Or just tuck it into her g-string.) Who's your favorite girl here? / ¿Quién es tu chica favorita aquí? (When she asks "¿Y Tu?", tell her "¡Tú! Eres mi chica favorita y también la más guapa." Or, point to that other chica you have in mind for el trio, you lucky bastard.) Gracias amiga / Thanks friend (Say this, with a propina if you like, to politely tell her you're ready to move on.) Thanks my lovely, but I'm going to meet other girls / Gracias corazón, pero voy a conocer otras chicas (A more direct way to move on.) I'm going to the bathroom / Voy al baño (Or you could just Irish goodbye that chica.) Wait here, I'll be right back / Espera aquí, volveré enseguida I'm not ready, not yet / No estoy listo, todavía no I'm ready, let's go! / Estoy listo, ¡vamos! Do you want to go... / ¿Quieres ir... ...to the VIP room? / a la sala VIP? ...do a privado? / hacer un privado? (It's the worst deal in the club, but maybe you have a coupon.) ...to see the shaving cream show? / a ver el espectáculo de la crema de afeitar? ...to see the hot tub show? / a ver el espectáculo del jacuzzi? (For the CC enjoyers.) ...to find a table on the third floor? / a buscar una mesa en el tercer piso? ...to the Miami room? / a la habitación de Miami? (Good suggestion. Chicas at HK love the reggaeton they play here.) ...to Azul for dinner? / a cenar a Azul? (A high value play, especially after a good arriba.) ...upstairs / arriba? How much? / ¿Cuánto? How much for an hour? / ¿Cuánto por una hora? And for two hours? / Y por dos horas? How much for the whole night? / ¿Cuánto cuesta toda la noche? How much does the bar fine cost? / ¿Cuánto cuesta la multa de bar? (These fines are killing us, HK.) Can I prepay the bar fine? / ¿Puedo pagar por adelantado la multa del bar? (At least you'll avoid a knock on the door mid session.) Kiss me / Bésame I want to kiss you / Quiero besarte Is that ok? / ¿Eso está bien? Is it ok? / ¿Está bien? Are you ok? / ¿Estás bien? (Memorize these last three phrases. They will go a long way with the chicas and will almost certainly result in much better service. And you'll rarely hear no.) Vamos... / Let's go... ...upstairs / arriba ...to the shower / a la ducha (Note: many chicas will say no because the shower mucks up their hair.) ...in the jacuzzi / al jacuzzi ...to the bed / a la cama Grab my... / Agarame... Suck my... / Chúpame... ...package / el paquete ...balls / los huevos ...nipples / los penzones ...piece / el pedazo ...dick / el pito ...cock / la verga Jack me off / Masturbarme I like it / Me gusta I don't like it! / ¡No me gusta! That's hot! / ¡Buenas! Let's fuck already / Queiro coger ya I'd like to try... / Quisiera probar... ...a hand job / la paja ...a BJ / una mamada ...missionary / misionero ...doggy-style / la adoracion ...cowgirl / cabalgando ...reverse cowgirl / cabalgando hacia atrás ...the spoon / en caja ...russian / la puneta rusa ...DATY / el buceo ...a finger in the butt / la espada de Carlomagno (Literally, "the sword of Charlemange!") How much for another half hour? / ¿Cuánto por otra media hora? What's your whatsapp number? / ¿Cuál es tu número de WhatsApp? (You did connect a WhatsApp account to a Google Voice number, before you left the US, right?) #Important numbers to know when dealing with Chicas: 69 / Sesenta y nueve 100 / Cien 120 / Ciento veinte (A typical HH rate for arribas at CC or HK, as of this writing.) 200 / Doscientos 240 / Doscientos cuarenta 300 / Trescientos (The current bar fine for TLN at HK. Ouch.) 480 / Cuatrocientos ochenta ::::: Street Walkers / Las Pariditas ::::: I'm staying at cascadas hotel / Me hospedo en el hotel cascadas Can you go there? / ¿Puedes ir allí? How much do rooms cost here? / ¿Cuánto cuestan las habitaciones aqui? How much for... / ¿Cuánto cuesta... ...a blowjob / una mamada? ...a blowjob without clothes / una mamada sin ropa? ...sex / el sexo? ...sex without clothes / el sexo sin ropa? #Key numbers for paraditas: 400 / Cuatrocientos (Current going rate in pesos for sex, tops on.) 500 / Quinientos (Rate for sexo sin ropa.) 800 / Ochocientos (A higher end rate for a paradita.) ::::: The End / Fin ::::: I hope that this guide helps you out. If it does, let me know in the comments or via DM. And let me know if you have any suggestions or corrections. Thanks to @PutaTester for recommending Dirty Spanish by Juan Caballero, which contributes some of the juiciest bits to this guide. And finally, treat those chicas well!