With gasoline approaching $4 a gallon, I began thinking about alternatives to driving to strip clubs. My favorite strip club in the Detroit suburb of Inkster is 7.7 miles from home, and the cost of a round trip in my BMW is around $3. That cost will be increasing as gas prices continue to rise. I also have to pay $7 for valet parking because there are no other options for parking at my favorite club.
It's a little too far to walk to the club, and the only public transportation in my area is a bus line, which would only take me part way. But when I was in Paris last year, I saw many adults commuting to their jobs on bikes. Why not ride my bicycle to the strip club?
I mapped out a route that would let me ride on sidewalks most of the way, keeping me safe from the crazy motorists. But then my plan hit a snag. I realized that the valet at the club would undoubtedly charge me to park my bike (the greedy bastard), and so reduce my expected savings. I checked out the area around the club, and found a Kroger Supermarket about a mile from the club. It had a bike rack by the entrance where I could lock up my bike for free.
Saturday was a prematurely warm day for Detroit, which made it perfect for my experiment of bicycling to the strip club. Having pumped up my tires with air and my wallet with cash, I hopped on my bike at 2PM and had a pleasant ride to the Kroger store. Then I stolled down Michigan Avenue to the club. The whole trip took just under an hour. As I walked in the door I said "Hi" to the valet, and got down to partying with half-naked young women.
After 3 hours of fun inappropriate for a man of my advanced age, I walked out of the club and for once did not have to hand cash to the valet (the greedy bastard). I reached the Kroger, unlocked my bike, and started home. But now I discovered a problem I hadn't thought of: Riding a bike is harder when you're drunk. I weaved and wobbled along the sidewalks and streets, but I managed to get home without an accident.
Overall, I was pleased with my experiment. Bicycling to the strip club is a viable alternative.
The disadvantages of biking are:
- A bike is slower than a car. It took me a hour to get to the club by bike vs. 15 minutes by car, and so it's not a good alternative if you're in a hurry.
- Riding a bike is a fair weather activity. In Michigan you would not want to ride in the winter months.
- Some clubs will be too far away for biking. I would not want to bike more than 10 miles one way.
- I would not want to bike at night, and so the bike will only work if you go clubbing in the afternoon.
The advantages of biking are:
- Cost savings. Biking saved me $10 in gas and parking, and I could save $1000 in the course of a year.
- Riding a bike is good exercise.
- You will avoid being arrested for drunk driving.
- A bike does not pollute the environment.
- Biking reduces America's dependence on foreign oil.
- Biking is morally superior because you are not giving your cash to brutal and oppressive regimes in the Middle East and Canada.
So I would encourage my fellow strip club enthusiasts to get on their bikes and ride to their strip clubs. It is certainly worth a try.
Lol I enjoyed this article, but sorry jack, I won't be trying this. My 2 favorite clubs are only about 12 miles or less from home. Plus, I have a 97 Honda Civic and it only takes $30 bones to fill up the entire tank even with gas currently at $4.00 a gallon. :)
When I first started to read this, I thought it was a joke, but I actually don't think you were kidding. Don't take this the wrong way, but aren't you a bit too old to be biking to the club? I mean, doesn't it take a lot out of you? Plus, you were probably all sweaty/nasty by the time you got there lol, I'd reconsider this jack.
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