• articles >
• jackslash

jackslash

Detroit strip clubs

With gasoline approaching $4 a gallon, I began thinking about alternatives to driving to strip clubs. My favorite strip club in the Detroit suburb of Inkster is 7.7 miles from home, and the cost of a round trip in my BMW is around $3. That cost will be increasing as gas prices continue to rise. I also have to pay $7 for valet parking because there are no other options for parking at my favorite club.

It's a little too far to walk to the club, and the only public transportation in my area is a bus line, which would only take me part way. But when I was in Paris last year, I saw many adults commuting to their jobs on bikes. Why not ride my bicycle to the strip club?

I mapped out a route that would let me ride on sidewalks most of the way, keeping me safe from the crazy motorists. But then my plan hit a snag. I realized that the valet at the club would undoubtedly charge me to park my bike (the greedy bastard), and so reduce my expected savings. I checked out the area around the club, and found a Kroger Supermarket about a mile from the club. It had a bike rack by the entrance where I could lock up my bike for free.

Saturday was a prematurely warm day for Detroit, which made it perfect for my experiment of bicycling to the strip club. Having pumped up my tires with air and my wallet with cash, I hopped on my bike at 2PM and had a pleasant ride to the Kroger store. Then I stolled down Michigan Avenue to the club. The whole trip took just under an hour. As I walked in the door I said "Hi" to the valet, and got down to partying with half-naked young women.

After 3 hours of fun inappropriate for a man of my advanced age, I walked out of the club and for once did not have to hand cash to the valet (the greedy bastard). I reached the Kroger, unlocked my bike, and started home. But now I discovered a problem I hadn't thought of: Riding a bike is harder when you're drunk. I weaved and wobbled along the sidewalks and streets, but I managed to get home without an accident.

Overall, I was pleased with my experiment. Bicycling to the strip club is a viable alternative.


The disadvantages of biking are:

1. A bike is slower than a car. It took me a hour to get to the club by bike vs. 15 minutes by car, and so it's not a good alternative if you're in a hurry.
2. Riding a bike is a fair weather activity. In Michigan you would not want to ride in the winter months.
3. Some clubs will be too far away for biking. I would not want to bike more than 10 miles one way.
4. I would not want to bike at night, and so the bike will only work if you go clubbing in the afternoon.


The advantages of biking are:

1. Cost savings. Biking saved me $10 in gas and parking, and I could save $1000 in the course of a year.
2. Riding a bike is good exercise.
3. You will avoid being arrested for drunk driving.
4. A bike does not pollute the environment.
5. Biking reduces America's dependence on foreign oil.
6. Biking is morally superior because you are not giving your cash to brutal and oppressive regimes in the Middle East and Canada.

So I would encourage my fellow strip club enthusiasts to get on their bikes and ride to their strip clubs. It is certainly worth a try.