Bicycling to the Strip Club
jackslash
Detroit strip clubs
With gasoline approaching $4 a gallon, I began thinking about alternatives to driving to strip clubs. My favorite strip club in the Detroit suburb of Inkster is 7.7 miles from home, and the cost of a round trip in my BMW is around $3. That cost will be increasing as gas prices continue to rise. I also have to pay $7 for valet parking because there are no other options for parking at my favorite club.
It's a little too far to walk to the club, and the only public transportation in my area is a bus line, which would only take me part way. But when I was in Paris last year, I saw many adults commuting to their jobs on bikes. Why not ride my bicycle to the strip club?
I mapped out a route that would let me ride on sidewalks most of the way, keeping me safe from the crazy motorists. But then my plan hit a snag. I realized that the valet at the club would undoubtedly charge me to park my bike (the greedy bastard), and so reduce my expected savings. I checked out the area around the club, and found a Kroger Supermarket about a mile from the club. It had a bike rack by the entrance where I could lock up my bike for free.
Saturday was a prematurely warm day for Detroit, which made it perfect for my experiment of bicycling to the strip club. Having pumped up my tires with air and my wallet with cash, I hopped on my bike at 2PM and had a pleasant ride to the Kroger store. Then I stolled down Michigan Avenue to the club. The whole trip took just under an hour. As I walked in the door I said "Hi" to the valet, and got down to partying with half-naked young women.
After 3 hours of fun inappropriate for a man of my advanced age, I walked out of the club and for once did not have to hand cash to the valet (the greedy bastard). I reached the Kroger, unlocked my bike, and started home. But now I discovered a problem I hadn't thought of: Riding a bike is harder when you're drunk. I weaved and wobbled along the sidewalks and streets, but I managed to get home without an accident.
Overall, I was pleased with my experiment. Bicycling to the strip club is a viable alternative.
The disadvantages of biking are:
1. A bike is slower than a car. It took me a hour to get to the club by bike vs. 15 minutes by car, and so it's not a good alternative if you're in a hurry.
2. Riding a bike is a fair weather activity. In Michigan you would not want to ride in the winter months.
3. Some clubs will be too far away for biking. I would not want to bike more than 10 miles one way.
4. I would not want to bike at night, and so the bike will only work if you go clubbing in the afternoon.
The advantages of biking are:
1. Cost savings. Biking saved me $10 in gas and parking, and I could save $1000 in the course of a year.
2. Riding a bike is good exercise.
3. You will avoid being arrested for drunk driving.
4. A bike does not pollute the environment.
5. Biking reduces America's dependence on foreign oil.
6. Biking is morally superior because you are not giving your cash to brutal and oppressive regimes in the Middle East and Canada.
So I would encourage my fellow strip club enthusiasts to get on their bikes and ride to their strip clubs. It is certainly worth a try.
It's a little too far to walk to the club, and the only public transportation in my area is a bus line, which would only take me part way. But when I was in Paris last year, I saw many adults commuting to their jobs on bikes. Why not ride my bicycle to the strip club?
I mapped out a route that would let me ride on sidewalks most of the way, keeping me safe from the crazy motorists. But then my plan hit a snag. I realized that the valet at the club would undoubtedly charge me to park my bike (the greedy bastard), and so reduce my expected savings. I checked out the area around the club, and found a Kroger Supermarket about a mile from the club. It had a bike rack by the entrance where I could lock up my bike for free.
Saturday was a prematurely warm day for Detroit, which made it perfect for my experiment of bicycling to the strip club. Having pumped up my tires with air and my wallet with cash, I hopped on my bike at 2PM and had a pleasant ride to the Kroger store. Then I stolled down Michigan Avenue to the club. The whole trip took just under an hour. As I walked in the door I said "Hi" to the valet, and got down to partying with half-naked young women.
After 3 hours of fun inappropriate for a man of my advanced age, I walked out of the club and for once did not have to hand cash to the valet (the greedy bastard). I reached the Kroger, unlocked my bike, and started home. But now I discovered a problem I hadn't thought of: Riding a bike is harder when you're drunk. I weaved and wobbled along the sidewalks and streets, but I managed to get home without an accident.
Overall, I was pleased with my experiment. Bicycling to the strip club is a viable alternative.
The disadvantages of biking are:
1. A bike is slower than a car. It took me a hour to get to the club by bike vs. 15 minutes by car, and so it's not a good alternative if you're in a hurry.
2. Riding a bike is a fair weather activity. In Michigan you would not want to ride in the winter months.
3. Some clubs will be too far away for biking. I would not want to bike more than 10 miles one way.
4. I would not want to bike at night, and so the bike will only work if you go clubbing in the afternoon.
The advantages of biking are:
1. Cost savings. Biking saved me $10 in gas and parking, and I could save $1000 in the course of a year.
2. Riding a bike is good exercise.
3. You will avoid being arrested for drunk driving.
4. A bike does not pollute the environment.
5. Biking reduces America's dependence on foreign oil.
6. Biking is morally superior because you are not giving your cash to brutal and oppressive regimes in the Middle East and Canada.
So I would encourage my fellow strip club enthusiasts to get on their bikes and ride to their strip clubs. It is certainly worth a try.
Want 4 weeks free VIP to tuscl?
Write an article
19 comments
When I first started to read this, I thought it was a joke, but I actually don't think you were kidding. Don't take this the wrong way, but aren't you a bit too old to be biking to the club? I mean, doesn't it take a lot out of you? Plus, you were probably all sweaty/nasty by the time you got there lol, I'd reconsider this jack.
IF YOUR
You have a good point about getting all sweaty. I was okay on that cool spring day, but during the hot and humid summer I would probably arrive at the club soaking wet. Could I participate in an on-stage shower show with a couple dancers?
And in reading that you are already biking the weekly mileage than we do not need to go through the math on advantage of health for biking verses the risk of being too old to go to a strip club.
So maybe a compermise of a moter bike to the Kroger (free parking and all) then the exercise of walking.
Not sure what the goals are, saving money?
exercise?
I assume you live in Westland ( or wasteland as we call it) so rent is not an issue. You drive a BMW so available desposible income is not an issue. You spend at least 3 hrs. in a club so again deposible income is not an issues. Detroit and subs have the worse mass transportation options, so GREEN is not the motivation?
Help me Help you:)
I have made an effort to reduce my dedicated trips to strip clubs by doing things like stopping by on my way to/from other places.
Maybe if we can get a nationwide movement going, pick a day, and have every sc customer ride a bike to the club on that day we can make the brutally oppressionist's in Canada take notice that we aren't a slave to their oil and they better give in to our demands!!!
So what are our demands?
I've even biked on Michigan Ave, but I don't recommend it.
Crawl/stagger? Often.
Bike in L.A.?
No Way?
I'd be a red blotch on the sidewalk before I got even close to a club!
Anyways, I biked down to check out the one club near me that I haven't been to yet. About 6miles there, just a 40 minute lazy ride there. Ofcourse it helped that it was a beautiful day 67 with a nice breeze.
Coming home took a while longer though. I had to walk the bike for a mile until the sidewalk started. I was still alittle too buzzed to bike next to traffic.
Great idea -- but at another club in Detroit that has the same ownership as your fave in Inkster, the doorman won't let you in without seeing you pull your car into the valet space. So your bike-to-the-club days may be numbered, even without the rising humidity.
--andersong.
you left out the juicy part of your story !!!
As you were heading out the club on your bike - a dancer who just got off work was hitching for a ride.
The noble gentleman you are - you accommodated her.
As you were riding your bike with she side straddled in front of you - she says "do you realize i'm naked"?
You tell her - "do you realize this is a ladies bike"