What do you demented perverts think about the following message sent to this rick? Should I go all wildebeest on his ass?
Subject: The Cosmic WiFi Heist – A Day in My Earthly Adventures
Dear Fellow Earthlings (or as I prefer to call you, subordinates of the third and thirteenth letters),
Greetings from beyond the stars! Or, more accurately, from the Starbucks on Fifth Street (I couldn’t get past the barista’s suspicious glare when I tried to order a “Martian Mocha”). As you may know (or maybe you don't, because you're on Earth, and Earthlings often miss things, like subtle cosmic signals), I was born on Venus. Yes, Venus, that gloriously fiery planet where the air is thick with love and sulfuric acid, and everyone spends their days in very heated debates about the third (Γ) and thirteenth (Μ) letters of the Greek alphabet. Ah, the joys of extraterrestrial intellectual superiority.
So, today was an absolute adventure in my Earthly escapade. Let me paint the scene for you: I landed on Earth in a magnificent spaceship – no, not some ordinary, sleek, and shiny model. It was a spaceship shaped like a penis. I know, I know – it’s a touch crude for your Earthly sensibilities, but trust me, it’s aerodynamic and truly the most efficient design in the galaxy. The gravitational pull of your planet’s fascination with phallic symbols is rather amusing, isn’t it?
Upon arrival, I set off on my mission: to steal WiFi from a local Starbucks. Why, you ask? Simple! The WiFi is a crucial intergalactic tool that connects me with the Galactic Council (and honestly, the memes I see online make the Council look like a bunch of amateurs). To blend in and avoid suspicion, I donned my trusty spacesuit: an elegant garment made of a garbage bag (black, very stylish) and a clear popcorn bowl (stolen from a movie theater – I assure you, it was unoccupied). The bowl, dear Earthlings, serves as a helmet. How else can one keep one’s head protected while maintaining visibility of the third (Γ) and thirteenth (Μ) letters of the Greek alphabet? One cannot simply abandon such matters.
As I sat in my garbage-bag-and-popcorn-bowl ensemble, sipping my “Earthling beverage” (which, by the way, was a tragic excuse for coffee), I became increasingly fascinated by the sounds of your Earth technology. The WiFi signals are so deliciously strong in this establishment! However, I suspect the barista grew suspicious of my peculiar attire and awkward space-walks around the café. Perhaps it was my inability to grasp their concept of “barista tips.” Nonetheless, I was able to connect to the WiFi for exactly 47 minutes before the barista started talking about “security cameras.”
In the end, I managed to download a very important file: a document detailing the tragedy of Earth’s obsession with smartphones instead of the real tools of the cosmos, like Γ and Μ. After all, why would anyone waste their time on a screen when they could be learning the third (Γ) and thirteenth (Μ) letters of the Greek alphabet? It’s beyond me.
So, after my successful WiFi heist, I boarded my spaceship (again, shaped like a penis) and returned to my home base, where I reflected on the absurdity of human life. If you, dear Earthling, are reading this, I implore you to learn the truth of your infinite existence: you are nothing but a mere reflection of Γ and Μ.
Until next time, my Earthling friends, I shall leave you with this: never trust a man in a garbage bag and a popcorn bowl helmet when he’s talking about WiFi.
Yours galactically, Zaphod N. Venusius Born on Venus, WiFi Stealer Extraordinaire (Also, you can call me ΓΜ, but only if you understand the importance.)
P.S. – Please stop saying "your outfit is weird." It's a space suit.
Probably Just in case