Why do we get so attached?
Many of us, including me, have commented here that we've become very attached to a dancer. I'm wondering why that is? What leads a guy in his 60s like me to feel so close to this stripper in her 20s? Seems kind of silly when I state it like that. Except it doesn't feel that way.
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For me it was easy. First, she was Asian. Secondly, we had music in common at the club. Metal and not the typical club BS! Third, as we've both stated, I think I was the father figure in her life.
For me, I think a part of it is that attachment comes from two people opening themselves up and being vulnerable to one another. I think of many dancers as being quite vulnerable, but often with elaborate defenses. When they let their guard down, that is a welcome sign for us. They will only do that if we reciprocate. And so, the hidden dance begins, and sometimes it achieves some beautiful synchrony, yes?
You ought to read what FONDL typed BEFORE you post here. He typed "Many of us, including me, have...". You can be one of the NOT "Many of us...".
For the exceptionally nerdy and patient, read "Social Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. It will make you think differently about communication between two people.
I wonder if some of us are forgetting that the question is why do WE get so attached. Whether or not SHE gets attached is usually a completely separate matter. I think we tend to project onto her what we want her to be like and what we hope she feels about us - lover, buddy, father figure, whatever works for you. Even an ATF you think you've come to know intimately has kept vast parts of herself private from us, and we fill in the blanks with traits and feelings that are nice to imagine. In this way, strippers are like what they say about the greatest movie stars - they leave much of themselves a mystery into which audiences project their deepesgt desires. That's powerful stuff to grow attached to.
But I think the biggest draw for me is that there were things missing in my life and my ATF came along and filled the void. I had needs that weren't being met to my satisfaction, and she was both willing and able to fill them and vice versa. She also was totally nonjudgmental, she accepted me the way I am, flaws and all, which meant I could talk about anything with her. How many people in our lives are willing to do that?
I also found it interesting that very few people here disagreed with my premise that many of us become very attached to these girls. I expected more argument on that. And parodyman has it wrong, it's not falling in love, it's something very different. I doubt if any of us would think of it as falling in love, especially those of us for whom there's a big age difference.
Like parodyman, I'm not really fooled by the dancers, as it is always about the money, to which I am ready to depart with, for my ENTERTAINMENT. But, a lot of us are vulnerable (not sucker-wise), because we care about people in general, even strippers.
My current problem is that I am attached to my massage therapist, 27 year old divorcee (8.5), flaming long red hair, and a nicely packaged body! Her massages run $43 per hour and are full bodied (except the genitals - damn it!). No happy endings with her (YET?), but still slowly working on it. She is very adament about keeping things 'in perspective' at least at her place of business. As she is new in business with her cousin, she tells me that I am her No. 1 regular (which I am). When in town, I drive 32 miles (one way) to get my massages, so I usually get a two-hour massage, with a smoke break inbetween the two hours. I pay her $100 (hence a $14 tip). I've taken her out to dinner several times. I partied with her and friends once & she drinks like a fish and blacked out.
So, why am I so attached to her? Challenge! Yes, a challenge to see how far she will go to FULLY please me!
FONDL, I can feel attached to the teller at my bank if she smiles like she remembers me. It's a natural impulse.
As for the age difference, we've discussed this before, but it's often much easier for both parties to let their guard down. With your peers, you tend to care more about being judged with approval.
I think the majority of the reasons that we get so (too?) attached have been mentioned, so I really can't add to much, other than to say why >>I<< have gotten so (too?) attached.
-> you have to start from the beginning. You CHOSE your fav / ATF, picking her over the other girls because she turns you on physically. Personally, I only get dances from girls that I find totally attractive and who has the traits that I desire.
-> the open conversation, and learning about one another makes me feel closer to her. Seeing that vulnerable side turns up the heat another notch. I like taking care of and looking after girls that want / need to be taken care of. (another reason that when we hear to much about SOs it has a negative impact, unless of course he's a jerk that can't or won't take care of her)
-> the way she fills a void. I wouldn't be going to clubs in the first place if I was completely happy with my marriage and wife. There is definitely something lacking there - mostly because we've been together so long that the "spark" is not there. Getting that "butterflies in your stomach" feeling when you see her has not been there for a LONG time, but is WAY strong with my ATF. You get to experience all of those "firsts" again... first kiss, etc. How exciting that can be!
-> ego... you have to admit, it's pretty cool to think to yourself that you are spending time with a stripper, especially OTC. It's an amazing and an ego-stroking experience to walk into a restaurant with her in your arms, seeing other guys take notice of her, then look at you - you can see the envy in their eyes.
-> age difference.. there's 23 years difference between my ATF and myself. Honestly, when we are together, I have never once thought about the age difference. She makes me feel younger, AND she makes me feel like it doesn't matter to her and it doesn't matter to me. Through her, everything seems fresher. There's probably also the element of trying to grab onto the time slipping away. It could be mid-life crisis-esque.
-> attention and playtime... how can you not fall for a pretty girl that showers so much attention on you, and lets you play with her, too (even if you are giving her money for it - directly or indirectly)
-> positive sides ... since we always see only their good sides, what's there not to like. We don't hear the nagging, complaining, etc., from them that we might hear from our SOs. There's an expression that you never know what a person is REALLY like until you've fought with them and lived with them. Since neither one is likely to happen, she remains the princess.
-> when we spend time with them, it's usually in a party-like atmosphere, so good times are being experienced and fun times are had by all. I'm sure there's a Pavlovian thing going on, and we associate our dancer friend with good times. Kind'a like now, when I smell the shampoo that my ATF uses, it's like an instant tent is pitched in the front of my pants.
I think that pretty much sums it up, however I'm not sure where harrydave's "hidden dance" theory comes into play. I guess if I relate it back to the Love Corner at the Hip Hugger, where it's nearly completely dark and thus the dance is hidden... There it's very easy to get addicted to the "hidden dance".
As for attachment, I think Doug nailed it.
Famous last words.
David9999: Yeah, it's very similar to "being in love". I'd say that it IS "being in love", but I can't bring myself to saying that. It just sounds too pathetic, and way too early. For sure it's a strong case of "being in lust".
It appears that most established dancers have at least one and perhaps several guys consistently spending (lets say) 1500 to 2000 a month or more on them month after month, I would guess typically those kind of guys are "in love" - lets assume its Third Degree love in most cases, with First Degree "in love" being the real world/real deal/head over heels/full sex situation - although in the real world one can and will experience this so-called Third Degree "in love" situation also. or for that matter Second Degree.
Most established dancers also seem to have (guesstimate) 1 to 4 other regulars who are either broke, live far away, only see her once a month or every few weeks - some of these guys I would wager can be "in love" also - some of course just there for the pure physical deal
Any dancer that could lets say get 10 customers, preferably married guys, with lots of money and/or willing to spend lots of money and the time to see her every week -to "fall in love" with her, and she could juggle them w/o too much club time overlap, and assume that each guy understands the innate limitations of the "relatinship" - I believe this would be near ideal arrangement for many dancers, as they are certainly going to make huge money
A big problem with that many guys of course is that the in-between time (assuming it exists) (VIP/CR time vs hanging in the regular club time) a dancer and a customer spend together, other customers might see them together, which is especially problematic if the girl is doing the head on the guys shoulder routine/handholding stuff "in public" - meaning in the club. Skipping that "public" time I suppose is possible in theory
-> ego... Like Doug & the rest of us, our EGO needs stroked and it's great when done by a much younger beautiful girl. 33 years difference between me and my therapist. I enjoy the looks I get from other guys, even if they see me as a 'sugar daddy'.
Clubbing helps me stay and feel young. I like to keep tan and workout to keep my appearance up, so I can continue getting the compliments from the dancers, whether it's SS or not.
It would seem logical for a customer considering building an ATF arrangement to avoid dancers that they know (very early-on) are in the typical intense/all consuming early phases of real life "in love" situations with real life boyfriends, as basically the customer is all but assured the girl cannot give anything back, sometimes even for years. Either dancers out of current relationships or in a troubled or dead marriages or relationships - would seem to be much better prospects, assuming the customer wants and needs at least a small element of mutuality.
"Last night was sooooooooo frustrating. I had two very good spending regs ITC at once and I handled it bad. Reg 1: PL, annoying as fuck to deal with, worst breath in the world, has been my reg for 8 months and comes in once or twice per week Reg 2: Nice and fun to have ITC, not a PL, smells nice, has been a reg for a few months and comes in once or twice per week also
So Reg 1 was in first and I did $250 worth of dances for him and he planned to get the same again when I finished on stage. Then reg 2 came in by surprise (he usually comes in MUCH LATER in the night). So I say hi to him and then reg 1 tells me to dance for reg 2 (he didnt realise he was a reg but he always tells me to do dances for other customers in between him). So I dance for reg 2 and then I go to speak to reg 1 and to do the rest of the dances he wants BUT NO he wants to friggin talk!! Ok his breath is the worst smelling shit on this earth. He is boring and annoying and I just wanted to get away from him so I said "oh that other guy wants more dances should I go?" and he told me to.
Anyway later on when I went back to reg 1 he was PISSED. He told me he had been waiting for 2 hours and then he left without giving me anymore money. It was a disaster. I wanted to spend more time with reg 2 because I actually enjoy spending time with him ITC but coz he isn't a PL I dont expect to have him as a reg for too much longer hence why I dont want to completely piss off reg 1. How the fuck should I have handled this?"
What usually happens is after visiting her and getting a one-hour or two-hour massage, I'm so frustratingly horny, I sometimes end up at a local SC (if you want to call them that in Columbus) for more 'detailed' attention. LOL
I too would rather get a massage from a young, attractive and personable girl than go to a strip club. But since my regular therapist moved I haven't been able to find anyone I like. Just be careful how you approach your girl if you're trying to convince her to do more, it could all come to a screeching halt- some therapists are very sensitive about that stuff. I think you'd be better off discussing it sometime when she isn't giving you a massage, like over dinner or drinks.
I'm not going to press the issue with her, but I know for a fact, that I bring in more income (roughly 90%) to her and she counts on that money to survive. I'm her only regular client, getting massages twice a week when I'm in town. I'll tell her when I leave for out of town and my expected return. She won't even write the dates down, but textes me on my returning day, asking me how the trip was and when she can expect me in. That pretty much tells me the income is important.
I'm just going to keep approaching it slowly, one step at a time. I don't think she'd ever tell me to never come back, because of the income issue. She now, lets me give her quickie neck & back massages before I leave, helping me along with instructions. LOL
Thanks for the advice, as I know you know exactly what I am going through.