Strippers and Childhood Abuse

18 comments

• FONDL

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  17 years ago

  I know that there is something in my ATF's background along the lines of sexual abuse, but I don't know exactly what. And I'll never ask her, the only way we'll ever discuss it is if she brings it up. We almost got into it one night a long time ago over something that I said totally by accident, but she clammed up and has never mentioned it again. But I'll never forget that night, I believe it's the only time anyone has ever seen her without any masks on. I saw her naked soul that night, and I'm probably the only person who ever has. And because of that I knew that we'd be part of each other's lives forever. I believe that seeing someone's soul has that effect.
  
  I also know that her mother was raised in foster homes and was raped repeatedly in at least one of them. Which is why the mother is a raging alcoholic and the whole family, except for my ATF, is really screwed up.
  
  I think sexual abuse is pretty common among strippers, but it's not something I've ever discussed. Nor do I want to unless I knew the girl really well.
• imnumnutz

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  17 years ago

  my situation is somewhat similar to that of FONDL. My current ATF is, in my mind, very beautiful, intelligent and articulate. She comes from a broken home, was abused on a number of occassions between the ages of approximately 10-15, left home when she was 16 or so and has been on her own since. I know she has been in physical fights with at least 1 boyfriend. She told me all this and also said she is ashamed of some of her past behavior. I am 1000% certain that had she grown up in a loving, grounded family, she would now be, at 25, on her way to a very successful carrer in business, a profession, even in politics. She is trying right now to get the education she needs to begin a career in the health field, but is far behind where she might have otherwise been and always will be.
  
  My ATF reminds me, physically and otherwise, of an intern in our office from a few years ago, who represents the flipside. Very beautiful, intelligent and articulate, everyone loved her. Had her master's degree by the age of 24, left our office to teach in Europe for a year, now married and a successful commerical real estate broker. Her family was great. With the proper support and upbringing, that could have been my ATF.
• ozymandias

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  17 years ago

  You know, a big part of what *makes* that ATF of yours freaky and "high mileage" is her fucked up developmental background - the various rapes, abuses, dropping-out-of-school etc is what makes a good stripper.
  
  I mean, it's awful, but it also *created* the hot chick whose grinding in your lap or sucking your dick in VIP. If she hadn't been screwed up by "uncle" or whatever, she'd probably be your fully-clothed executive assistant instead, and you'd be seeing *another* girl in the strip club.
  
  So I really don't want to go there, or even care, really. If she tries to bring it up, I just let on how bored I am hearing about it. She has better things to be doing with that mouth, as far as I'm concerned!
  
  O.
• motorhead

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  17 years ago

  There seems to be some commonality here. Although my current ATF has never admitted to any childhood abuse, it wouldn't surprise me. She never knew her biological father and was in and out of foster care. Her mother (also a stripper) was pretty fucked up with drugs. When my ATF was living with her mother, she had to contend with her mother's boyfriend who was in and out of prison. Not a pretty picture....so it wouldn't surprise me if there was something in her background. Amazingly, she seems rather well adjusted, but that could just be part of her stripper lies. She did admit that her long-time boyfriend did go thru an abusive stage several years ago, but claims he is done with that. Not so sure that is true either.
• harrydave

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  17 years ago

  Yeah, the association is there. In my experience, but only based on girls I have really gotten to know, sexual abuse and physical abuse are common, as is family drug abuse or alcoholism. But not always, and that is what makes it so interesting.
  
  Worst case is former ATF, who was raped by a neighbor, spent her teenage years in a crystal meth haze with everybody else around her, and then had her dad leave and get a sex change operation. I met Dad, who is, uhhhh, husky. Needless to say, she (the real girl) had some unresolved issues.
• FONDL

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  17 years ago

  Imnumnutz, your ATF sounds almost exactly like mine. With one major exception - she isn't at all ashamed of anything she's done in the past, she admits some of it was really stupid but she also correctly recognizes that all of it is what made her who she is today. My ATF is now 30 and is finally closing in on getting her BS. But she's not concerned that she's later than some others, she knows she'll eventually get there and that's all that counts. And when she does she'll probably appreciate it a lot more than those who had an easier time of it.
• imnumnutz

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  17 years ago

  fondl, thanks. I try to convince my ATF of the very statement you made--that her past is what has made her the person she is today...the one I'm attracted to. Besides, she couldn't change it anyway. But between us guys, I'm sorry that she wasted such potential.
• shadowcat

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  17 years ago

  What about abused customers. I was sexually abused by my baby sitter when I was about 8 years old. I remember only 3 things about it. We did fuck. My younger sister kept asking the baby sitter to do it to her. And my father taking me to see the baby sitter's father and tell him about playing hide the weinie. My first piece of ass, I can't remember if she was good looking or not and if she was a good fuck or not. Now I want to fuck the baby sitters. lol...
• DandyDan

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  17 years ago

  One of my old favorites, who's now out of the business, told me she got raped by the neighbor when she was in middle school. She also told me her mother would smoke crack in front of her. She sounded like she had a fucked up childhood, and is the only woman I have ever known personally who had an abortion. I hope she's all right.
• FONDL

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  17 years ago

  When my ATF was about 12, her mother was working as a waitress in a strip club (the same one where I met her although it was called something different then) and one of the strippers lived with them for awhile. The stripper shared drugs with my ATF - that was her first drug experience.
  
  If you want to be friends (or whatever) with strippers, it's good to remember that a lot of them have had really screwed up childhoods that have left them with deep deep scars - what I call birds with broken wings - and they aren't ever going to be what most of us would consider to be normal, they will always have some holes in their personalities. You need to be prepared to accept that because they aren't going to change.
  
  Imnum, I wouldn't call it wasted, just delayed. Encourage her to reach her potential, that's what I keep doing with my ATF. The only thing she's missing is self-confidence, although if you met her you'd never guess that, she comes across as one of the most self-confident people I've ever met. But it's all an act and I'm probably the only person who knows that. It's one of the things we talk about a lot.
• Yoda

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  17 years ago

  Many dancers do a great job of presenting themselves as being very confident when in reality they are not. I guess it's something you have to learn to do if you are going to succeed in the business even though inside it may be an act. I am very friendly with one dancer who has told me about being abused as a child by an uncle. Other than that I have had dozens of favorites over the years and nothing any of them has ever said indicated that they had been abused as children. I do know a couple that had abusive boyfriends or husbands back in Brazil.
• FONDL

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  17 years ago

  Yoda, it's not just strippers who pretend to be something that they are not, people from all walks of life do it. In fact it's my opinion that a lack of self-confidence is what drives a lot of highly successful people to become so successful, they have an overwhelming need to prove to themselves (and others) that they can.
  
  I also don't think that most people who have been abused are ever going to admit it, especially not to someone whom they barely know. There's no way to know how common it is among strippers.
• DougS

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  17 years ago

  Of course most dancers/escorts don't go around telling me about the skeletons in their closet, but those that I've developed a rapport with have confided their secrets and dirty laundry of their pasts. The vast majority of those girls have told me of sexual abuse.
  
  One girl - my prev-ATF, had a particularly sorrowful tale. I believe it might be the dancer to whom Chandler is referring. (it's at least very similar) She was regularly sexually abused (raped) by her step-father. Her mother supposedly knew it, but chose not to believe. Two of her other sisters were also abused, though if I remember correctly they weren't actually penetrated like she was. Prev-ATF decided to press charges because the lowlife was making sexual advances toward her youngest sister, and she wanted to make sure that he didn't do that to anyone again. She had her younger sister move in with her. The case came to trial about two years ago, and was held in GA because that's where the assaults had taken place. I actually gave $1k to her for traveling expenses and to live on during the trial, which lasted a week. When it came down to it, none of the sisters would testify against him, and because of that his attorney was able to leverage that fact and turn it against her ("surely, she must be lying") and the creep was found innocent. She was left totally devastated and wasn't the same girl that I'd known during our time together. I believe that played a big part in us growing apart.
  
  Anyhow, presumably as a result of the abuse, my prev-ATF and two of her sisters became dancers and all danced at the same club (one of Chandler's haunts).
• FONDL

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  17 years ago

  Which rasies an interesting question - are girls who have been sexually abused more likely to become strippers, or is sexual abuse more common in the lower income and broken households from which many (most?) strippers come? I'm inclined to think that both are true.
• DougS

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  17 years ago

  Fondl: Excellent point. I'm sure there is some truth to that, but I think if you separate the two, it's more about the sexual abuse. I kind'a think they might get the attitude that "i've already had that done to me, I might as well make money while doing it".
• chandler

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  17 years ago

  Doug: God, that's a harrowing tale. No, I wasn't referring to the same girl. I didn't know her story before, although I'm not surprised to learn she had been through some kind of abuse.
  
  Often, you feel like you can sense it from a girl's manner, her sensitivity. With some, the reckless way they share their body and their sexuality seems to come from some self-punishing impulse. What makes them attractive to us as strippers is also kind of disturbing.
  
  One fave I got pretty close to had those dual traits in such an extreme I was sure she must have been abused, but she said she'd had a very benevolent upbringing, although her teen years had been troubled, and scarred her in other ways. Her stripper friend was the one who told us both about the abusive uncle with the whiskey bottle. She told it in a carefree way when we were all sharing our early sexual experiences, more as an amusing memory than anything she considered abuse. But it left both of us kind of stunned. And I had to believe it was at least partly the root of her obsession with sex toys.
  
  I admit to a kind of morbid curiosity about just what form of abuse is behind some of these cases, and how it explains their present behavior (not that you should expect a simple cause and effect). You're always hearing generalities about how common it is with strippers. All you usually hear individually is, "I was abused." or "You know, so and so was abused." Like I said, my instinct is to fill in the missing details with the worst scenario imaginable. But what sounds comparatively mild - a single incident, or something far short of penetration - can be just as damaging. And often the abuse isn't sexual. It can consist of a very harsh or negligent upbringing, which is so common among some poor families that strippers come from that they may not think of it as abuse. A lot of it depends on how it has played out in their mind, which of course is very private.
• FONDL

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  17 years ago

  I think abuse can produce two other effects. It can teach the girl to compartmentalize - eg. to separate the person to whom the abuse is happening from their "real" self, that's not really happening to me that's someone else. It can also teach the girl that this is the way the world works, guys only want one thing, and I'd better learn to accept and use that to my advantage. I think we commonly see both types of attitudes in strip clubs.
  
  My ATF exhibited both of those attitudes. She was very skilled at playing up to guys, flirting and making them feel that they were special, even guys she didn't care for at all, especially guys she didn't care for at all. And she made loads of money doing so with no qualms of consiousness, especially when separating money from the real jerks. She quickly became a very skilled con artist.
  
  And I was always surprised at how different she was OTC vs. in the club, she was like two different people. And I think that's how she looked at dancing - that was someone else doing that. I even called her by two different names. We'd even joke about it, I'd say something like "By the way XXX, how's your friend YYY doing?" Same person.
• chandler

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  17 years ago

  Good point, FONDL. The coping mechanisms they develop to survive abuse can also equip them to deal with stripping and thrive from it. So ideally, it almost makes you wonder if stripping came about as an outlet for abused girls. But it doesn't serve them so well in other parts of their lives. I've also known strippers with those attitudes who weren't necessarily abused, and some who were who had a hard time keeping their stripper persona and their off-work identity sorted out. Tracing cause and effect can be elusive.