Guy Allows Wife / GF / SO to Strip.... WTF?!

Well Doug,
I am an entertainer and I have a BF. I actually met my current BF in the club where I am currently employed. It started out as him and his friends hanging out with me there, and then we started dating casually outside of the club. Over time our feelings grew and he realized that I was a good girl. One I think a man, or any person, should realize that where you work, or your job, does not dictate who you are as a person. Two, he has to trust that the woman he is with is a "stand-up" gal. An honest woman is an honest woman, and a skank is a skank no matter where she works. For all any guy knows, their darling wife, or GF, could be sleeping with her boss @ her nice office job just to get a raise (now there's something to think about). I think a man has to be one whom is content with himself, which makes him not so envious. My BF has no problem with me continuing to work there nor has he every pressured me to stop. He makes good $$ @ his job so he doesnt need my $$. He still hangs out in there with his friends while I'm working. We have a great relationship because my job it is what it is; just work. And that doesnt or hasnt changed the fact that we get along like best friends, we hang out in other strip clubs together, we are both silly as all hell, care about each other, and we both know where each others head and heart are.

DougS: First of all let me say that there is no room for jealousy in a strip club. By customers of dancers. I was recently asked by two fellow TUSCLers for some dancer names at my favorite club. I started naming them off in my email to them and when I was done, I was surprised that there were actually 20 names. I know who is married, who has a bf, and who has kids. I don't know of any that do not have SO's. I am free to go from flower to flower without upsetting any of them.

My former ATF was married and had 2 kids. She described her husband as laid back. When ever I was in the club, she stuck by me. Some times another of her regulars would come in and want to get a dance from her. She always asked me if that was OK. I always said yes. Then I could spend some brief time with my other favorites. Bones was a party to this conversation with her. I wanted to get a dance from another dancer and I asked her if it was alright. She said "Of course. you don't have to ask me." I said "Well you always ask me before doing a dance for another customer." She said "That is out of respect for you." Later Bones asked me if it was alright to get a dance from my ATF. I said "of course. YOu don't have to ask me."

My former ATF is now in the process of getting divorced. Caught him cheating on her with a much younger non stripper and using her money to do it. He kicked her out of the house that they were living in (owned by his parents). She then began staying in hotels. 6 months ago she hooked up with some guy and moved in with him. He wouldn't let her continue dancing. 2 months ago, another dancer who keeps in contact with her, told me that she was unhappy with the guy and wanted to come back dancing but she had to figure a way out of the relationship first. Impossible for her to save up any money because he controls the purse.

I once asked her if she was giving me special dances, She said yes. Only one other customer got the same treatment. I said "Donny?" "No, it was a long time ago and the he does not come into the club anymore. Bones commented to me after getting several lap dances from her, that they were good but that he knew that I was getting better ones. No jealousy.

Meanwhile life goes on. My#1 favorite (not ATF) is filling her shoes nicely. Always asks me if it is OK for her to do a dance for another customer and I always say sure. Last month I met a dancer new to the club but didn't get a chance to get any dances from her. Next day, I mentioned this to #1 favorite. When she got off stage, she came back to here I was sitting and had the newbie in tow. What a cute little spinner. We talked for awhile and they talked about the difference in their tit sizes. They both had them exposed. I got 4 lap dances from the newbie and she made it onto my favorites list. Later #1 asked me how was it. "very good" I replied. No jealousy here. If nothing changes between now and OCT 26th, I will asked her to be the hostess with the mostest for our group. Does that sound good to you, Bones?

Jealousy aside, some guys see the idea of their SO out supporting the household by shaking her stuff with strange guys as an unthinkable insult to their honor, manhood and self-respect. Other guys see it like a pimp as a point of pride. Perhaps they both have their priorities screwed up, but I definitely side with the former. The latter might feel cool for about two minutes. However, it's closer to the way I feel about a fave in the club. I'm glad to know she's a hot ass stripper that other guys have their way with. I ain't no white knight.

I once worked with a guy whose wife became a dancer. He was just fine with it until she ran off with another guy. End of story. My ATF once told me she had decided to move in with another customer of hers. She asked my advice. I told her I didn't think it a good idea for reasons stated above. Here, some guy meets a dancer in club, she moves in with him, then he gets upset that she dances! Go figure! Didn't last a year.

Well, I don't think I'd want a 'wife' of mine working as a stripper, let alone a bartender or waitress in a strip club.

However, as far as a 'girlfriend', I believe I could learn to deal with that situation better. If the g/f fell in love with a customer or fellow emplyee (guy or gal), then that would be her choice and my loss, but what the fuck, no legal binding shit to get involved with. Besides, maybe the ole g/f would bring me home some pussy if she were bi!

FxxyChick:
Thanks for your response... You pretty much summed up my thoughts about jealousy/trust, etc. It's kind of a weird scenario that I find myself in. I believe that Miss ATF's husband trusts her (otherwise he wouldn't allow her to be working in a club, right), and >>I<< trust her, too. At the same time, I am interested in pursuing our "relationship", but if anything happens, that means that she's broken her husband's trust, and knowing that, perhaps she is less trustworthy in MY mind, too. Of course it's a two-way street, in that my ATF knows I'm interested, and willing, which means she knows that I'm up for breaking my wife's trust, which again implies that >>I'M<< not trustworthy, right? Maybe that's part of her apprehension... Very early on, when discussing our partners, my ATF asked me to do two things... 1) go home and buy my wife flowers, and 2) NEVER f^ck a woman other than my wife. Stange, huh?

Comments to the above are welcomed... also, you said something that raised a few interesting thoughts. You said that you actually met your BF in a SC. Pardon me for being nosy, but were you apprehensive to dating a customer, or did he never buy dances from you? I've read that if a guy is interested in dating a dancer, the worst mistake he can make is to buy dances from her. Once he does, she will always see him as a customer, rather than a romantic possibility. Any truth to that?

When I started dancing I had been married already for 9 years, so we stable and secure in our life... To my husband he takes having a wife who dances as a compliment. He knows I am coming home to him, knows that I carry myself with respect... It all depends on your realtionship, for us it works..

I agree with evilcyn on this one. It all depends on your relationship. For one thing, there are swingers out there who actively screw other people's spouses in the presence of their own spouses. The trouble with most dancer's SO's is these are the people who are lucky to even have a girlfriend/wife/SO. They aren't capable of getting normal girlfriends (meaning non-dancers), so they have to resort to dating dancers, which gets problematic when they come to realize that the dancer is spending time with other guys. So if they get lucky and get a girlfriend, they want to hold on forever tightly. They turn into control freaks because there is nothing else in their lives they are in control of. It's a dilemma for which there really is no good solution.

I'm often surprised at the losers whom I have seen bringing dancers to and from work. At least in my experience, they arrive in rattle-trap old cars, usually are very skinny 19-year-old unemployed-looking white boys (wearing supposed "ghetto" outfits, like reversed baseball caps, wife-beater t-shirts, low baggy pants, belt-chains, sunglasses, etc.). Gap-toothed, pimply, poor, uneducated, slovenly, dirty even, weak and skinny ... I just go "wha ... ?"

DougS,
Actually yes I was apprehensive. Never before had I mixed business with pleasure in the form of a relationship or anything else. Yet, as stated before, he would just come in and hang out with me while I was working. Actually I think the fact that he would come in and we would just chill out, laugh, and have a few drinks is what drew me to him. He never really pushed the issue, as far has having my phone number, or going on a date. He didnt come across as the typical guy trying to pick up a girl, or dancer, like most I've come into contact with. The irony of it all is, through our many conversations, we discovered that we grew up in the same part of town, had previously hung out in the same places, knew a lot of the same people, and had alot in common, as far as our personalities and views on life, but never crossed paths before (seems like something out of a movie, right?). Yes, there were a few dances here and there, but a good person is a good person. So by the time he asked me out, which was a lunch break from work (4 him), I took a chance and it's been almost 2 yrs now.

Book Guy, I think it all comes back to that self-image thing, at least for some of them. My ATF used to have a BF who was way below what I thought she should have - a loser in nearly every respect. I could never figure it out. Years later she admitted that she stuck with him because she didn't have the self confidence to think she could do better. Thankfully she's gotten over that.

There's a niche, there. If there are super-hot young girls dating lozer young boys, and someone like you or me meets the super-hot young girl in a strip club, the only thing standing between you or me getting to date a super-hot young girl is, being a better catch than the lozer young boy. Right?

Hmm. It never really seems to work out that way.

Book Guy, your theory actually had a lot to do with my ATF and I becoming good friends. She was often looking for something to do while he was off doing drugs with his buddies, and I was there. If he had paid more attention to her, I don't think she would have ever spent enough time with me for us to become close. And when she finally had enough and decided to move far away, I was there to help.

FxxyChick: Yes, it DOES sound like something out of a movie. Congrats... though it sounds like HE is the one to be congratulated! Your response does underline the fact that I've probably played the game incorrectly with my ATF, though. I bought a lot of time with her at the club, so there's a good chance that she could have trouble separating her view of me as a customer from how I hoped she views me. Even though I AM a really "good person".

If you were a lazy son of a bitch who could convince a hot woman to sleep with you and also go work and make money enough for the both of you, wouldn't you do it too?

Heck, now that I think about what I just said, isn't that really the modus operandi of just about every woman looking to get married, i.e., convince some doofus to sleep with you and go work and make enough money for the both of you? The only difference is that they want to have kids, too.

Hi DougS,

Perhaps I haven't read the thread well enough, but . . . I think generally being a "good person" qualifies you for being a woman's girlfriend more than a love interest. My bud's stripper/prostitute girl friend was in love with him because he met her requirements 1) Very Tall 2) Very Powerful 3) Extremely Aggressive----enough to get himself locked up, if the police were in a bad mood or followed the law. Her interest in nice wealthy guys was near zero as far as a romantic relationship. Sex not a big deal at all in her mind, but she'd rather you find a real girlfriend instead of trying to buy her. No big deal that her boyfriend sleeps around and takes all her money. You want her as your woman? It ain't that hard if you meet her physical requirements. Just act like a total thug and pound her current boyfriend into the ground, but remember he isn't exactly an easy mark and loves spilt blood especially if it ain't his and he did the spilling.

Does she know this is brain dead? Yes, but she feels she doesn't have much choice in what attracts her and gets her wet. She had plenty of chances to move in with a wealthy guy and probably be treated like a queen. Money was actually a pretty low priority for her except to keep her boyfriend from roughing her up.

BTW, I thought she was a real sweetie--just her taste in men was warped.

Also, some strippers and other women as well have an unbelieveably POWERFUL MOTHERING INSTINCT. Show how poorly you live and don't be surprised if she wants to make it better--money, pussy, whatever she can do to help. OTH, if you are successful there is NO mothering for her to do and she won't feel truly needed.

Sorry all, been away from the board for a while on vacation, and noticed this post. I can assume that you are talking about me as being the poster who's wife is an ex dancer. I allowed her to continue to dance for nearly 9 years of our marraige for several reasons but first and formost was that she had a serious money spending problem. Since she was unable to live within our means (which is pretty good if I was the only provider) I continued to allow her to dance. For the most part what she made was hers to do with as she pleased. If she wanted to contribute to the bills she was free to do so. Truthfully since she has stopped she continues to spend, but on a much lower scale.

Second, it kept her in shape, she liked the way her body looked when she was dancing, and it was like joining the gym and getting paid to do it.

Third, I never minded it since it was a compliment of sorts that she was in the position she was. She always came home to me, and was never a "nasty" dancer. You might be asking yourself, how I knew that......well I had people known to me, but not to her who went into the club(s) and witnessed this firsthand. She now knows that and was not upset and was in fact flattered that I cared about her safety and well being in a round about sort of way.

>She always came home to me, and was never a "nasty" dancer. You might be asking yourself, how I knew that......well I had people known to me, but not to her who went into the club(s) and witnessed this firsthand.<

That sums it up for me. Do you want to be in a relationship where you feel you have to spy on your SO? No thanks. I understand it's her job, and she has to make a living, it's just not a situation for which I could make the necessary commitment. A casual romance-level commitment, maybe, but not anything serious. Say all you want about it depending on the couple, some jobs and situations are just asking for trouble. Remaining faithful takes more than good intentions. It calls for both parties to avoid situations where common sense tells you you're greatly increasing the chance of getting intimately involved with another. So, for example, I would expect an SO to sacrifice going on dates with other men. Likewise, I would quit going to strip clubs by myself and hanging out in singles bars. Private eyes or not.

Yes, there is the trust issue. But for me, it's more of the thoughts about what she is doing, or what is being done to her. For instance, I know that if my wife were a dancer (not that there's any chance she would do that, and I wouldn't allow it anyway), I feel completely sure that she wouldn't do anything "nasty", or OTC, etc. I also know that my ATF doesn't do anything nasty, and if I had a deeper relationship with her, I feel that I could trust her. My problem is, I don't like the thought that other guys and touching her body, and she's rubbing her body on their body. Thinking that a dozen or so guys are touching her every day she works.... THAT is what would be hard to deal with.

Doug, I don't see it as merely a trust issue. It's recognizing that people are fallible, and when exposed to too much temptation too often, even the most trustworthy of us is prone to lapse. The most realistic way to handle it is to avoid tempting situations within reason.

The kind of jealousy you describe I think depends a lot more on the couple and each partner's attitude. Some guys aren't bothered by it, some go crazy over thoughts that have no foundation in reality. I'm like you in that it would bother me a lot with an SO who was a stripper. And I wouldn't be as sure as you of her refraining from dancing nasty or falling prey to other temptations on the job. Again, even good people are fallible in the wrong situations. However, I definitely wouldn't let any of this bother me with an ATF. Are you kidding? Of course she's being nasty with other customers. She wouldn't be my fave if she weren't.

I'd love to say that I'm a live-and-let-live type of guy, and would therefore "let" my significant other continue to do her thang, whatever she chose. I mean, after all, I like attending strip clubs, so who am I to prevent HER from going to the same place? And if I loved her, then, presumably, I'd accept and trust her AS IS and therefore accept her own judgments about what is best for her and for the relationship from her point of view.

But I probably wouldn't be like that. I'm not sure it would be JEALOUSY exactly that would get to me. I don't really think I "own" any partner to the extent that I don't want other guys to look at her naked at all. In fact, I might even be PROUD (kind of another sin!) of the fact that she could command that kind of attention but then *I* got to take her home! More likely it would be distrust. If she's stripping for all those guys, then how many is she giving handjobs to? How many is she spending a half-hour OTC servicing? I don't think I would handle very well the close associations between prostitution and stripping. I know what can go on at a strip club -- I've been the recipient of many of those services! And I wouldn't want to be intimately involved with someone doing those things, because then I'd be getting those diseases, taking those risks, and likely also trying to be intimate with someone who was slipping down the slippery slope toward other vices.

Of course, none of that is necessarily true about a stripper, or even about a girl turning tricks. But it would run through my head over and over and over ...

I find the suggestion that my significant has the authority to "allow" or "disallow" me to do anything rather offensive. Perhaps this is indeed a generational difference, as DougS suggests.

When we (my boyfriend and I) met, he was made quite aware of my job; had he a problem with it, he could've chose not to pursue me. Clearly, seeing as we're together, and I continue to dance, he has no major qualms with my work.

Now, if a situation were to arise, and he expected me to quit, he'd be more than welcome to show himself the door after I kindly explained to him that I already have a father.

(Whose authority ended when I turned 18).

MIDancer:
I think perhaps my choice of words didn't correctly portray the gist of what I was trying to say. When I said I wouldn't allow my wife to dance, I didn't intend it to sound so male chauvinistic. The whole premise to the discussion topic was trying to understand how a guy could put his SO (wife in this case) into a situation where she felt forced to dance. My ATF MUST dance because her husband doesn't make enough money to support the family. She doesn't like dancing, nor does she want to dance. I just don't understand how he could permit that situation to occur.

I believe this situation is different than a dancer that wants and likes to dance. If my SO loved her job dancing, I would not ask that she quit. I'm not saying that it wouldn't bother me, though I would hope that she would choose to quit in order to respect my feelings, just as I would stop doing something that I knew my SO didn't like me doing.

Perhaps, in you ATF's situation, it isn't a matter of her husband permitting the situation to occur. There are plenty of people who are underpaid in this country or stuck in low-end, low paying jobs due to a lack of education (or a lack of education in a field that yields a high demand for workers). I don't think the blame should be placed solely on your ATF's husband; he simply may stuck in a situation of limited mobility (i.e. unable to get a better paying job, more hours, more education, etc.).

As for your other point... Yes, in an ideal situation, your SO would choose to quit in order to respect your feelings. However, quitting isn't always a feasible option. In my situation, for example, both my boyfriend and I completed our undergrad work within the arena of liberal arts. Until he or I (or both of us) complete our grad work, I have two options: strip or find some low-paying job and live paycheck to paycheck. I recognize, mostly because there are no children involved, that I DO have a choice and I COULD choose not to dance. However, as much as I would like to call it quits, I'd much prefer NOT to live with the overwhelming stress that accompanies just barely making end's meet. My boyfriend understands this, and out of respect for my sanity, never brings up the issue of my retirement.

But then again, I just don't think my job irks him as much as it might some other guys. I think it comes down to us having a great deal of trust and communication in our relationship, and the recognition on both our parts that my job is simply that: a job.

I guess it's different strokes for different folks. I myself am probably in the old fashioned crowd since if I was married, I wouldn't want my wife stripping. However other married couples are ok with swinging. I'm not in favor of married swinging.

I thought I had some inhibitions against getting a lap dance from a married dancer as well but one dancer asked me the other night right after I just finished a few drinks and then before I know it, I'm getting a lap dance. Seemed weird that she told me she was married and then added that her husband was ok with it. I think she wanted me to remember her. I'm not even sure why she told me she was married. Another weird night.

My only guess why she told me she was married was that she didn't know if I might act like shadowcat or a number of other guys posting here. I like happily intoxicated dancers though.

MIDancer: Sure, my ATF's husband is stuck in a low-paying job. BUT, and this was the point I was trying to initially get across. If it were my wife/GF/SO that was feeling forced to strip in order to have enough money to feed and shelter her family because of my low paying job, there is NO way in hell that that would happen. I would be working extra jobs, flipping burgers, mopping floors, whatEVER it took in order to keep her from feeling the need to dance.

DougS: Okay, let's say the situation were reversed, and the dancer in question was the husband/boyfriend. Should the woman be "working extra jobs, flipping burgers, mopping floors" etc., in order for to keep HIM from feeling the need to dance?

Actually some dancers prefer that their SO don't work outside the home because it doesn't make any sense. Although I do believe in the stereotype of the worthless boyfriend, there are boyfriends who treat their girlfriends very well. And, the relationships appear to be a win/win. Like one dancer pointed out to me, she isn't looking at the dollar every 3 seconds. Yes, bills need to be paid but to her money was not a high priority. The way she treated me, money definitely wasn't at the top of her list. She told me she'd been with her boyfriend for almost 3 years. The first year she insisted he that he work even if he made peanuts. Later she decided it would nicer if he was willing to take care of the home and other traditional female roles. She thinks he makes a better househusband, then she would make a housewife and says he does a very good job and that there is a lot less stress on the home front. She hates cooking and cleaning while he thinks doing those chores is NO problem at all.

MIDancer: The way I was raised, it's up to the man to provide for his family. So, I believe that the husband/BF should do whatever it takes to make sure that his wife/GF/SO/family is taken care of, even if that means that he has to strip in order to make a living, as you mentioned in your scenario.

DougS: But what if the wife/girlfriend didn't want him to strip? Should he then quit in order to respect her feelings and wishes, even if that meant putting the family financial security at risk? (By the way, I don't intend to be confrontational, I was simply raised to reject conventional gender role assignments, and therefore have trouble with the idea of a woman expecting, or even wanting, to be "taken care of.").