Wife Jokes

Two guys collide in a supermarket.

“Sorry about that," the first guy says. “I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

“I'm looking for my wife, too,” the second guy says.

“Maybe I can help you,” the first guy says. “What does your wife look like?”

“Well, she’s a tall redhead with big green eyes, long suntanned legs and a bright smile,” the second guy says. “What does your wife look like?”

“Never mind,” says the first guy, “let’s look for yours.”

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

What do women and floor tile have in common?

Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them the rest of your life

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the news slowly?
You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead!
Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

Two friends who’ve been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section.
The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday.
The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card.
The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday.
The first guy says, “If she doesn’t like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!”

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.
The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

So the husband comes home to the wife packing, he asks where she us going.

She replied, I'm going to Vegas where I can get 500 dollars a pop for what I've been giving you for free.

The man starts packing, the wife asks why he is packing...

The husband replies, I'm going to Vegas to watch you live on 1500 bucks a year.

Lol

Q. How can you tell that your wife is dead?

A. The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up in the sink.

Two guys were out on the golf course playing a round and knocking back a few beers. They were on the ninth when a funeral cortege passed by on the road outside the course. The one golfer, who had been addressing the ball, stepped back, removed his hat, and placed his hand over his heart. After the cortege had passed, his buddy says, "Wow. That was really touching. I've never seen that before ."

The first golfer says, "Well, I was happily married to her for the last 35 years...."