You might have heard this on before
TheeOSU
FUCK IT!
A gent is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
They had a wonderful time.
He stays for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed.
Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . . "You just happened to catch my eye."
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"A gent is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table."
I figured this was about JS69 and he has never been confused as a gent.
Guy really likes a girl. But he is self conscious about his wood eye.
Guy wants to ask out this girl, but she is self conscious about her wooden leg. But she really likes the guy with the wooden eye and he really likes her.
Guy finally gets up the nerve up to ask the girl out.
He sheepishly goes up to her and asks her if she would like to go out on a date with him to the movies.
She excitedly exclaims: “would I?!!!”
He quickly replies: “Fuck you peg leg!”
A To hold up his pants.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays".
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex"? So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath"!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play".
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work"?
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it".
Along the same line...
A Sailor with a wooden eye went to a dance. At the dance there was a woman with a peg leg. With both of them being disabled no one wanted to dance with them.
Knowing that only the peg-legged woman had low enough standards to dance with him the wood-eyed sailor asked her, "Would you like to dance?" Overwhelmed the woman exclaimed, "Would I! Would I!" The sailor replied, "PEG LEG!!!!PEG LEG!!!"
A wench with a wooden eye went to a dance. At the dance there was also a pirate. No one wanted to dance with them.
Knowing that only the pirate had low enough standards to dance with her the wench asked him, "Would you like to dance?"
Overwhelmed the pirate exclaimed, "Would I! Would I!"
The wench shot back, "PEG LEG!!!!PEG LEG!!!"
How many times can you recycle the same joke?
About as many times as someone can recycle the "what should i wear?" threads or the "does this stripper really like me?" threads etc etc etc :D
let me pile on with an oldie:
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It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. = At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words, " he said, "but what’s the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast ... that was my idea."
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When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. And since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"
Heard it before but i still laughed when I read it.