Not in love but on the hook.... got advice?
After Dadillac's post, I figured I would see what the experienced here have to say about my (entirely fictional, of course) situation as I may qualify for his PL of 2016 status.
I've been seeing a dancer for about two months (6 dates?), although I have never seen her dance since we met through the WYP dating site. I met her at the tail end of an extended business trip but have been able to continue to visit less frequently (every 2-3 weeks instead of every week) and will be relocating to that area as the extended trip turned into a new job. After meeting we agreed to what I thought would be a SB/SD arrangement. She was very upfront about her dancing and said she has done arrangements before. She has been happy to keep it transactional and has never asked for an allowance, or really any specific amount. We discussed the ranges we were both expecting on "date" #2, they overlapped, and it's been fine. She has never asked for more. In addition to dancing, she said she is also in school for a grad degree, but after a busy fall semester, she is taking the spring off even though she only has one more semester to go. She will be dancing more to pay bills, as well as continuing to work her social work day job. After some conversations during our most recent visit, it's pretty clear she's not new to any of this - I know, I shouldn't be surprised. She wants to keep using the pseudonyms we each used on the site and gives some personal details but is cagey about other information. We have a routine that is dinner followed by fun back at my hotel. I get very few texts from her, she usually just responds to make plans, but that's it.
I know, what's my problem? Sounds damn near perfect - a hot, late 20s spinner that I can have fun with and isn't trying to mess up my home life. Well, I guess that's where I feel I'm in PL of 2016 contention, because I am looking for more out of a SB/SD relationship. After some reflection, I realized what I have been getting would be more accurately described as a GFE. There has never been a clock on our fun and she stays as late as I want, but there's no feelings. I'm not looking for either of us to fall in love (she said she has a long distance boyfriend and I'm married) but a basic friendship would be nice. I got cursory texts for the birthday I had and for some personal and professional accomplishments, so maybe that is friendship in her mind. She is a stripper and all the SS that goes with it, right? I also realized is that if this is a more transactional relationship, while she is hot, the rest doesn't meet expectations. I have done my part and been generous, particularly our last visit near the holiday. She was supposed to stay the night so I was covering her pet sitter and travel to meet me (a little further than normal since it wasn't a business trip), as well as being a nice guy and adding extra for a holiday gift. Of course she didn't stay, but I had already sealed the card and honestly, I've been having some performance issues (stress, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, take your pick, they all apply) so I wasn't concerned about giving her extra, figured it might help make a connection (between her and my money if nothing else). At any rate, if we had a fuckbuddy friendship, then it's fine that she wears jeans and sneakers and whatever came out of her underwear drawer that day and we have vanilla sex. But if I'm basically getting a GFE, I want the porn movie GF in a short skirt, sexy lingerie, matching bra and thong, etc. and some crazy sex. She's the one that said she could make a threesome happen but when I asked her to set it up a week later, suddenly her friend allegedly just graduated and moved. She also talks about drawers full of her "work outfits" but never wears them for me... maybe that's her version of me not being a customer? If so, it sucks.
What do the experienced here suggest? On one hand, I have a situation that is not quite what I'm looking for - so I'm still working the sites and seeing what I can find. On the other, there is no reason to stop the good thing I have going, especially now that I've had some sense knocked into me about it. I need to stop being such a "nice guy" and definitely stop trying to build a relationship that isn't going to happen. Even if we met on what claims to be a dating site, I need to treat her like the stripper she is and stop being extra generous, give her the minimum, and not worry about offending her if I want to bust a nut on her face. Am I on the right track now?
I've been seeing a dancer for about two months (6 dates?), although I have never seen her dance since we met through the WYP dating site. I met her at the tail end of an extended business trip but have been able to continue to visit less frequently (every 2-3 weeks instead of every week) and will be relocating to that area as the extended trip turned into a new job. After meeting we agreed to what I thought would be a SB/SD arrangement. She was very upfront about her dancing and said she has done arrangements before. She has been happy to keep it transactional and has never asked for an allowance, or really any specific amount. We discussed the ranges we were both expecting on "date" #2, they overlapped, and it's been fine. She has never asked for more. In addition to dancing, she said she is also in school for a grad degree, but after a busy fall semester, she is taking the spring off even though she only has one more semester to go. She will be dancing more to pay bills, as well as continuing to work her social work day job. After some conversations during our most recent visit, it's pretty clear she's not new to any of this - I know, I shouldn't be surprised. She wants to keep using the pseudonyms we each used on the site and gives some personal details but is cagey about other information. We have a routine that is dinner followed by fun back at my hotel. I get very few texts from her, she usually just responds to make plans, but that's it.
I know, what's my problem? Sounds damn near perfect - a hot, late 20s spinner that I can have fun with and isn't trying to mess up my home life. Well, I guess that's where I feel I'm in PL of 2016 contention, because I am looking for more out of a SB/SD relationship. After some reflection, I realized what I have been getting would be more accurately described as a GFE. There has never been a clock on our fun and she stays as late as I want, but there's no feelings. I'm not looking for either of us to fall in love (she said she has a long distance boyfriend and I'm married) but a basic friendship would be nice. I got cursory texts for the birthday I had and for some personal and professional accomplishments, so maybe that is friendship in her mind. She is a stripper and all the SS that goes with it, right? I also realized is that if this is a more transactional relationship, while she is hot, the rest doesn't meet expectations. I have done my part and been generous, particularly our last visit near the holiday. She was supposed to stay the night so I was covering her pet sitter and travel to meet me (a little further than normal since it wasn't a business trip), as well as being a nice guy and adding extra for a holiday gift. Of course she didn't stay, but I had already sealed the card and honestly, I've been having some performance issues (stress, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, take your pick, they all apply) so I wasn't concerned about giving her extra, figured it might help make a connection (between her and my money if nothing else). At any rate, if we had a fuckbuddy friendship, then it's fine that she wears jeans and sneakers and whatever came out of her underwear drawer that day and we have vanilla sex. But if I'm basically getting a GFE, I want the porn movie GF in a short skirt, sexy lingerie, matching bra and thong, etc. and some crazy sex. She's the one that said she could make a threesome happen but when I asked her to set it up a week later, suddenly her friend allegedly just graduated and moved. She also talks about drawers full of her "work outfits" but never wears them for me... maybe that's her version of me not being a customer? If so, it sucks.
What do the experienced here suggest? On one hand, I have a situation that is not quite what I'm looking for - so I'm still working the sites and seeing what I can find. On the other, there is no reason to stop the good thing I have going, especially now that I've had some sense knocked into me about it. I need to stop being such a "nice guy" and definitely stop trying to build a relationship that isn't going to happen. Even if we met on what claims to be a dating site, I need to treat her like the stripper she is and stop being extra generous, give her the minimum, and not worry about offending her if I want to bust a nut on her face. Am I on the right track now?
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11 comments
SJG
WYP is a sex industry site, and she's a sex worker, just like all SBs on Seeking Arrangements, even if we're not supposed to be obvious about that. You seem to know that already, but it always bears repeating :)
I can't tell quite exactly what you want... I do think that her being above-board about not being terribly interested beyond your sexworker/client relationship is a kindness in a way, better that than her pretending to like you and you falling for it. You should definitely stop trying to build a relationship that isn't going to happen, or worse yet, that she dislikes but is acting out for you. What I'd do is enjoy her for what she is, be thankful she's forthright with how she feels, and keep looking for a woman who'll give you a bit more (keeping in mind that your desire for this may end up being self-destructive)
tell her exactly what you expect. You don't pay if you don't get what you want. You expect her to stay the night and wear those sexy outfits.
I'm digging it, and she's happy with it as well.
Based on the fact that you don't know her real name, it seems like she wants to keep it strictly business and the way it is. Nothing wrong with that, as long as your time togethet is good.
However, if you want more, there's no harm in shopping around for a better SB, while you continue to see her. I've found there's a lot of gray area with SB's and the experience can be completely different from one girl to the next. Most of the SB's I've been with have given me their real name and life story. I think you may find a better situation, but if not, appreciate the one you are in.
Good luck.
I didn't return her texts or calls for two weeks and when we finally talked again, I told her that the amount of money I was paying her gave me the pick of any number of other women. If she wanted to keep seeing me here are my expectations: and I held her to it.
@K: Yes, there are "gifts" invovled with any time we spend together. In most cases, I don't care if she spends the night but this time was a different type of trip in that it was specifically to see her and we had talked about it and I was willing to cover her costs for doing so. While I've certainly mentioned the outifts and all, in trying to be a "nice guy", I haven't pushed because I was trying not to be "another customer". Since it seems that I am (and not just because of the nature of our relationship, but from some of the new stories she told me at our last date) then I've got nothing to lose.
@georgmicrodong: I am truely happy for you. When we are together, I would say she is a bit distant (which leads to my complaint), but definitely engaged and interested. We talk a lot and there is a lot of just enjoying each other's company - at least for me, but she seems to enjoy it as well. She almost never checks her phone so maybe she really is one of the few millenials that doesn't have to be texting constantly. She said she is happy with the arrangement so I am going to try to be more satisfied with it as well. I think if I were still traveling to her area regularly, I would be less unhappy as I could see her more often. Until I get moved for the new job, it's once every 2-3 weeks instead of weekly. That's a big part of why I don't want to upset things, because it will be a great situation once I am local to her again.
@ClearHeelsHotAssCantLose: You nailed it. I should have said I don't know her real last name, or I don't think I do (pretty sure I don't, records searches don't find any matches and while she seemed to almost slip up once I think it's like my pseudonym, close to her real last name so it's easy to cover up in a slip like that). I do know her real first and middle names (she goes by her middle name), her dancer name, as well as her Facebook name although I haven't friended her because she specifically said she doesn't want to know my real last name. I have a Facebook for my pseudonym so I was thinking I might message her through that and see if she is willing to friend me or not. The more I talk about this, the more I realize I have a pretty good thing going but like I said above, I'm lonely so I will continue to see what else I can find. I had one other meet through WYP and she was nice, but nowhere near as hot as this first one (who I was already seeing). The second was early 20s but after meeting in person, the pictures were clearly from during/early college - she had put on some weight and just couldn't compare to the 100lb spinner. She did tell me where she worked (security clearance job) and her real name, but the connection and attraction weren't there - I don't think she even read my profile before the date. Just like with that one, there's no reason to stop seeing the current one while I look for someone that better matches what I am looking for and being new to this, her experience has made a lot of the initial awkwardness easier so I feel more confident in dealing with the girls during my search.
Thanks to all for the comments, I appreciate the advice and putting words down has been cathartic and helped me work through it some more on my own as well. Any further advice is still appreciated!
For those that responded with real advice, I am appreciative.