Groan

great jokes

I was a farmer, but I was never outstanding in my field.
I tried being an airline pilot, but that job had too many ups and downs.
I tried being a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
I couldn't make it as a teacher because I didn't have enough class.

Two guys walk into bar. The third one ducks

A horse walks into bar. Bartender asks, "why the long face?"

John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "why the long face?"

A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't allow mushrooms in here!". The mushroom says, "why not? I'm a fungi."

There was once a relief pitcher for a major league team named Mel Famey who wasn't very good. He kept his job only because he was the owner's son in law. The manager was loathe to use him, so Mel just sat in the bullpen drinking beer the whole time. One night, the team got into a real defensive struggle - 24 innings! The manager finally used up his second-to-last pitcher, cringed, and called for our hero, Mel.

As you might imagine, Mel was prett drunk by this time, but he manned up a weaved to the mound. Sixteen pitches later, he walked in the winning run for the other team. In the post game interview, the commentator asked the winning manager about the final four batters.

"Well," he said, "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us."

Did you know that a a major league baseball team the loses its first game can't serve beer that season? You cant serve the beer if you've lost the opener.......

I don't get it ? Any of it ?

All these jokes are about 2/3 of a pun: p-u!

Not unlike U-M :D

1. The undercooked Pillsbury Dough Boy failed at his porn career because he couldn't rise to the occasion.
2. A new pilot encounters frustration in that in order for his career to really take off, he must first land a job.
3. The pro golfers prowess on the links didn't translate into being good in bed because of his consistent sub-par performance.
4. The patient with rectal itching had an unproductive visit because the doc couldn't put his finger on the problem.

1. I've been meaning to join the procrastinators club, but I keep putting it off.
2. I've been meaning to make a donation to the Alzheimer's Foundation, but I keep forgetting about it.
3. I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure anymore.
4. Indecision may or may not be the problem.
5. Chronic fatigue is incurable because nobody gets tired of it.
6. Constipation does go away, but you will have a hard time getting through it.

Please note, I didn't google any of these last two posts.

A guy was sitting on the wharf one day. He was bored. Suddenly, another guy came by, looking down and going, "three, four, five....."

Hey, man, whatcha up to?" asked the first guy.

"I'm counting the spaces between the planks to see how many there are," was the reply.

"That's cool, can I come too?"

"Sure, let's go!"

They set off counting. By the time the hit the 1000th space, they were totally engrossed. So engrossed, in fact that the both ended up walking off the end of the dock and drowning.

The moral of the story? When you're out of slits, you're out of pier.....

A duck walks into a bar
He orders a drink
He says "put it on my bill"

The submarine bank couldn't get mortgage loan customers because nobody wanted to go underwater on their loans.
The tree bank expanded their business by opening branch offices.

A native american went to his doctor
"I don;t know what;s wrong", he said, "sometimes I feel like a teepee and other times I feel like a wigwam"
"Relax" said the doctor, "you're just two tents"

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".

A couple, both 78-years-old, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the man replied. “She’s married and we can’t go to her house.
I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have
his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so
he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store
and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then
stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside
the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire
purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached
by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?".

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is
very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't
carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of
paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put
a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in
your other hand?".

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to
walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down
this alley. We'll be there in no time.".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?"...

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket,
a gallon of paint two chickens, and a goose. How in the
world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and
do that?".

The old lady replied, "Well.. Set the goose down, cover
him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket,
and I'll hold the chickens!!"

The owner of the tampon factory promised me a job at the end of the month....

I just have to pull a few strings.

A man sun bathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis.

His doctor tells him 2 ease the pain by dipping it in a cup of cold milk.

Later, his blonde girlfriend comes home n finds him with his penis in a cup of cold milk.

"Wow", she remarks, "I always wondered how you re-loaded those things!"

A fisherman from Ohio was angered that he had caught only five good size fish. He was not a happy hooker.

He was, however, apparently a master baiter....... :-D

Shit

There was a farmer who was infatuated with a coffee shop waitress in town. He couldn't bring himself to talk to her so one dark night he left a large bunch of Celery on her doorstep. The next day the Sheriff came out to his field and arrested him as a stalker.

A Proctologist stops at the nursing station to fill out a prescription form, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh Shit" he tells the nurse, "Some Asshole stole my pen!"

In Japan they have a very high percentage of registered women and gay men voting in the national elections and its been a pattern for generations. The reason is simple: they love Erection Day!

There was a gay mechanic who was fired from his job at the auto pool at the local zoo. He blew a seal.