Groan
TheeOSU
FUCK IT!
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age ; it doesn’t last
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22 comments
I tried being an airline pilot, but that job had too many ups and downs.
I tried being a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
I couldn't make it as a teacher because I didn't have enough class.
A horse walks into bar. Bartender asks, "why the long face?"
John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "why the long face?"
A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't allow mushrooms in here!". The mushroom says, "why not? I'm a fungi."
As you might imagine, Mel was prett drunk by this time, but he manned up a weaved to the mound. Sixteen pitches later, he walked in the winning run for the other team. In the post game interview, the commentator asked the winning manager about the final four batters.
"Well," he said, "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us."
2) A new pilot encounters frustration in that in order for his career to really take off, he must first land a job.
3) The pro golfers prowess on the links didn't translate into being good in bed because of his consistent sub-par performance.
4) The patient with rectal itching had an unproductive visit because the doc couldn't put his finger on the problem.
2) I've been meaning to make a donation to the Alzheimer's Foundation, but I keep forgetting about it.
3) I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure anymore.
4) Indecision may or may not be the problem.
5) Chronic fatigue is incurable because nobody gets tired of it.
6) Constipation does go away, but you will have a hard time getting through it.
Please note, I didn't google any of these last two posts.
Hey, man, whatcha up to?" asked the first guy.
"I'm counting the spaces between the planks to see how many there are," was the reply.
"That's cool, can I come too?"
"Sure, let's go!"
They set off counting. By the time the hit the 1000th space, they were totally engrossed. So engrossed, in fact that the both ended up walking off the end of the dock and drowning.
The moral of the story? When you're out of slits, you're out of pier.....
He orders a drink
He says "put it on my bill"
The tree bank expanded their business by opening branch offices.
"I don;t know what;s wrong", he said, "sometimes I feel like a teepee and other times I feel like a wigwam"
"Relax" said the doctor, "you're just two tents"
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the man replied. “She’s married and we can’t go to her house.
I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”
his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so
he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store
and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then
stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside
the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire
purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached
by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?".
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is
very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't
carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of
paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put
a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in
your other hand?".
"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to
walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down
this alley. We'll be there in no time.".
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have
your way with me?"...
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket,
a gallon of paint two chickens, and a goose. How in the
world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and
do that?".
The old lady replied, "Well.. Set the goose down, cover
him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket,
and I'll hold the chickens!!"
I just have to pull a few strings.
His doctor tells him 2 ease the pain by dipping it in a cup of cold milk.
Later, his blonde girlfriend comes home n finds him with his penis in a cup of cold milk.
"Wow", she remarks, "I always wondered how you re-loaded those things!"
He was, however, apparently a master baiter....... :-D
A Proctologist stops at the nursing station to fill out a prescription form, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh Shit" he tells the nurse, "Some Asshole stole my pen!"
In Japan they have a very high percentage of registered women and gay men voting in the national elections and its been a pattern for generations. The reason is simple: they love Erection Day!
There was a gay mechanic who was fired from his job at the auto pool at the local zoo. He blew a seal.