Last Night

4/19/2014 9:02:22 AM

I'm writing this from a boxcar in Bangor, Maine.

We went out with Juice last night and it got savage.

At 3PM, he hit me up with a text. 'CLUB JUISC TITTYS TONIGHT' Sure, why not? After a lot of egging, I got Rick to join us. Now, regardless of what you think of him, Rick is fun to go clubbing with, because the guy is just so God damn sure of himself.

Now, if you haven't met him, Rick's a short, cocky son-of-a-bitch that looks like he could be Wallace Shawn's twin brother. This is the dude who 'gets prime tail'.

Juice doesn't look like anybody famous, he's 6', 275 lbs, curly, copper red hair, with a really high pitched voice like Andy Milonakis. This dude really gets pussy and nobody can figure out how. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Me, I'm an inch shorter that Juice, half as fat, and you saw my picture in troops av.

We also hang out with a Vietnamese dude name Charles and a black redneck from Georgia we call The River.

So, 6PM: Charley, River & I get to Ft Lauderdale, check into the hotel and we start off at the Hooters by the beach. The moment I get in the parking lot, he's got me snorting this stuff he calls Street Trash. It's basically Oxycodone crushed up with meth, but when Juice can't score Oxy he uses Tylenol. It makes your fingers numb and your head scream.

We pound some beers and eat wings. Rick doesn't meet us until the club, he says Hooter's girls are a waste of time. Whatever, we got this Puerto Rican chick to clock out and hit the club. She's gonna bring some friends!

9 PM: we all get to the club, her friend 'Sammy' shows up. Bitch is big as juice and sloppy-ass drunk, talking about how 'I can't stand purple pussies!' Juice loves her, gets her on the trash, and she gets more obnoxious.

We see Rick at the bar. He's making moves on some chick and won't come over.

This club was good, I guess this should be a review, but whatever. Nude, half white, rest black and Latino. I only saw one Asian and Charlie was real pissed we kept sending her over to him.

Juice somehow came up with $5,000. I know he doesn't make that in 3 months, so fuck knows where this cash came from?? He gets us in the CR with 5 of the hottest dancers in the club. The night's looking good.

Of course, Sammy takes her top off before anyone, two-hundred pounds of tits and belly flopping around. Two of the dancers take to the Hooters girl. Holy Shit, the sight! They definitely went beyond what Florida law allows. I had to keep my shit together not to pre-j. Mmmmph DAT ASS

Then, the girls turn around for our turn. But about two mins into the dance, the fat chick was on top of a dancer for whatever reason, loses her balance and falls off the couch, through the curtains, over the railing, crashing into a table on the main floor below. You could hear her howling the whole way down.

Bouncers come in, end the party, fat bitch with a busted-up nose and bloody arm.... we get the CR compted. Juice and the dancers promise we'll have some fun later. Hooters girl leaves with her elephant.

I go check on Rick, still at the bar, the first girl left. I guess he got rejected. He's now with this tall chick that looks familiar.

Go back to the floor, Charley and River are at the stage rail. No Juice.

Things get blurry at this point. Weed, whiskey, shots, Juice just has a bag of pills, he's always passing around, and you never really know what your taking. Could be pain killers, Viagra, or sleeping pills.

It finally dawns on me who the chick is!

Rick is still with her at the bar. They're making out. Can you do that in a club? He feels her up, but no pussy groping.

So, I saw this tall chick in Kansas City at a place called Missie B's, kind of a retro vibe, performers. She sang, was pretty fucking glamorous.

When she leaves, I go talk to Rick. He says she's powdering her nose. I say, 'She's nice.'

'Yeah, I'm taking this one home. Sorry, fellas. Have fun sleeping in your cold beds.' She returns, he grabs her ass and leaves the club with her.

Missie B's is a drag bar. Rick is about to have that taste of bile I got locking lips when I felt her cock.

1AM: I get intercepted by a hot, thin red head. I get some drinks and we get some dances.

3AM: Things are winding down, so I find the guys. Still no Juice. I'm bummed, but he's a grown man and can take care of himself.

The redhead comes back and says 30 mins she ready to party. Holy shit! I scored!

We wait in the parking lot, Charley and The River are blasting Lil' John and talking to some real white trash chicks about mudding. The red head come back, god damn, she looks alright in the light.

4AM: We get to the hotel, a fire truck and squad cars are there. Great, a fucking fire, are we even going to be able to stay here?

We get in the lobby and no one's there, so we try to go to the room. When we get to our floor, it is loud and an angry WASPy looking couple covered in mustard storm past us heading to the lobby. The whole places smells of hotdogs and sulfur, like fireworks.

We finally see the firefighters coming back from the burnt out end of the hall.

We get closer and the noise is coming from Juice's room. The firefighters just walk past it. There's a ton of people in the suite -- the Hooter's girl, with five other Hooters girls, and the bandaged up elephant.

I stop. The fucking cops are there and my heart fucking sinks.

But, then I see one cop on the wall with his drawers down getting a blow job. The other is playing poker with Juice. I don't believe what the fuck I'm seeing. Charley and River push me in. I high five Juice. He's got the dancers from the couch room there along with the VIP manager and the cop. We all take bong hits.

I go out on the patio with the redhead, so she can smoke. I wanted to be alone with her, so I didn't say anything, but I'm pretty sure smoking would be OK in there.

We have fun for a bit, then go back in where they're playing twister. On top of the hooters girls, strippers, cops, SC manager, there's also the Venezuelan football team. The party spills out from this suite to the next, Other than that one angry couple, we had the floor to ourselves. Juice said the fire was from 'a pinata blew up'.

Last thing I remember is Juice wanting to pick up some mushrooms from a guy at the rail yard, then going to the fridge for a beer and seeing chickens.

Now, I'm in Maine.

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