tuscl

The tread where we post quotes from other people's reviews

chandler
Blue Ridge Foothills
Thursday, September 8, 2005 12:51 PM
bestoftmz had this to say about Kenny May's in Hammond, IN: "If you are out walking your dog, you may want to stop by here. They just might offer your dog a job. It's that bad."

32 comments

  • tropicalH2O
    •
    19 years ago
    It's true that the strangest things happen in SC's. I've worked in 7 clubs, some only for a few shifts, but others for a few years (part-time). What I love about SC's is the escape from reality and the intimacy shared with strangers. Men will often tell a dancer things he wouln't tell his good friends or wife/girl friend. I have my share of experiences, but that's not what this thread is about. Thank you for sharing your experience. -T
  • metaldude
    •
    19 years ago
    Since you liked the toilet paper quote, I'll tell the similar story. Two weeks a go three friends and I went away for a golf and ... weekend to Atlantic City. I did as much research as I could on clubs in AC and based on what I found I wasn't expecting much. But after dinner Friday night we headed out anyway. One of the guys in our group has made a habit out of persuing questionable women. I was on a business trip to Puerto Rico a few years back with this guy and he picks up the largest ugliest girl in the Mayaguez Hilton bar, her nickname from the rest of us became Moon Face Bear (you get the picture). So here we are in this AC club and there aren't any 9's or 10's but at least there's a reasonable collection of 7's and 8's. I turn around and I swear I see Gwyneth Paltrow in her fat suit from Shallow Hal. As soon as my buddy sees this girl he's off to the private dance area with her and we are left with our mouths hanging open. A couple hours go by with each of us making several trips to the LD area and even leaving the club to go next door to get more drinks, but during all this time we never see my buddy. Finally he comes stagerring out of the LD area with a big smile on his face. We head back to the hotel and rank on my buddy calling him Shallow Hal the whole way. When we get back from golf to the hotel I take my SC clothes downstairs to be dry cleaned so they won't smell like everything that was rubbed on them when I get home. The next day we are playing golf again before we go home. Two of the guys are complaining about how bad their clothes smell (SC rookies) so I tell them that I had the hotel laundry do mine. Shallow Hal says "there's no way I was bringing home those pants I was wearing the other night, but I wanted I souvenir". He wips out a piece of fabric that used to be the crotch of his pants that he coutout with a pen knife before he threw the rest of them away. This thing has all sorts of stains on it red (lipstick I think), brown (reason the story is similar) and yellow (I don't want to know). Were standing on the first tee laughing our asses off until the starter yells at us for holding everyone up. Hope you all enjoyed.
  • tropicalH2O
    •
    19 years ago
    These posts are hillarious! I like the reviews about the dancer with bandages on the ends of her legs (feet), the clown den and the toilet paper story. More stories, please.
  • metaldude
    •
    19 years ago
    "RUGEL" wrote this about a place in my area Ruby's 2. I have a similar story to tell sometime that just happened to a friend of mine the weekend befoer last while we were in Atlantic City on a golf weekend. Well, this used to be my favorite place but without the hot Brazilians and with the not so attractive girls remaining I give this club a low rating. But what happened to me a few weeks ago really turned me off. A not hot girl approached me and yakked quite a bit and latter of course asked me about getting a private dance which I reluctantly agreed. In the back room she got naked quick then rode me like a pony. After one song I was done, paid her, then left. Got in my car, looked down and noticed a shit stain in the front of my shorts. I was toilet paper to her. Threw my shorts out the door and drove home in my underwear. From now on, I must be more careful.
  • baddy
    •
    19 years ago
    I just read this in a review of C-Mowes Key Club in Washington Park, IL and thought it was a gem: "It gives off a bad redneck vibe, not like miss kitty's which has a good redneck vibe."
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    Gotta love a review that describes only the furniture and sound system - no dancers, no dances, no people, NOTHING! The full text of castro reviewing Turbulence in Tuscon, Arizona: "This is a new club in Tucson, AZ, located next to the airport. The building is brand new and the property is very well kept and lit. Inside is great - very spacious, great lighting and sound system, very clean inside and well kept. The chairs are GREAT! Nice big comfy chairs with armrests. There is only 1 stage, and it is kindof small, but there is plenty of other room for tables, chairs, etc. The VIP lounge is one of the best I have seen. It is huge, with about 8 leather couches. The whole layout is very good. My only complaints are: the lightening system was designed for higher ceilings, so the lights are far too bright wherever you sit, and the music volume is ok, but when the DJ comes on, his mic input is way too loud, especially with this annoying voice. As a sidenote, this club was designed to have alcohol, but Tucson rejected their license, so there is an empty bar. It's very nice, but sad that it is unused."
  • komey1970
    •
    19 years ago
    Oklahoma City must be strip club hell for patrons. For strippers, I guess if you can't make it there, you should get out of the business. Tatle Tails was reviewed this way by crazynut: "Rated the worst of TUSCL's bottom 40! Now I see why. Even 70 virgins is not worth this experience. The place is poorly marked outside even though it is right next to the street. The only parking is diagonal parking on the street making exiting a dangerous not to mention if the cops see you backing out. Its in a rougher type neighborhood although no dealers or pimps were seen. When you walk in they zing you for the cover charge before your eyes can adjust to the dark and before you realize that you temporarily lost your sense of smell too because of some rank funky odor. The dancers were not that ugly and with counciling most of us should again one day be able to appreciate women. While the beer was cold, the music too loud, and the lights dimmed for our visual health, the bartender was the best looking one in there and he hadnt shaved in a few days. One girl that only played the video game never moved but she probably couldnt with out use of a forklift. She had so many rolls on her she looked like the Michelin tire logo character. Another heavy set dancer sat down with us uninvited and joined in our conversation. She asked each of us if we wanted the best nastiest dance ever as she grabbed our thighs. Animal sodomy is a crime in this state so we refused. Besides we had already seen the raghead imprints on the outside wall so we didnt want to tell St. Peter what we were last doing and where. They did have one skinny young girl with black decaying teeth that didnt look to bad in the dim lights. When she came to the table during her stage dance to make us tip her she did sit on one buddys lap. We were able to save him after calling med flight, a priest and the hazmat team but his cloths had to be destroyed. I cant give any more details as we signed an oath of secrecy in the interest of national security which is stanard procedure for these type of normal government cover ups, plus we didnt have to tell our wives. When you have a note from GW it sure makes it easier explaining why we got home so late. They have a pool table but no balls, a Cue stick with no tip but a damn nice light over it that blinked randomly. In some clubs around the country they have bathroom attendents to hand you towels or cologne. Here the bartender came running in and sprayed DDT over us to fend off a swarm of sand nats that swarmed to the sound of falling water. Now I understood what the loss of smell was about when we first came in, its DDT mixed in with just a hint of yeast infection to protect us against flying insects and evil spirits. Even though I survived agent Orange, three mile island, disco, white rappers, karioke and the gulf war syndrome I think I have met my match. "
  • easyed14
    •
    19 years ago
    This one had me rolling. This was posted by phil55 on 9/28/05 reporting on the Flamingo Theater in Anaheim Ca. The next night was weird. I came in about an hour later then anticipated so I only got to spend a little bit of time with Diana before she had to split. It was even greater than the night before. Less nasty but more sensual. After she left I danced with a friend of hers named Danger. Nice girl, nice personality with some chat before the dances. Then things got out of control. An older, chunkier blonde came over. She said her name was Stella and she said she wanted to 'finish' what Danger had started. I don't know why but I agreed and behind the VIP curtain we went. She told me that she had been away from the club scene for a while and was using the Flamingo to get back into the swing of things. Stella had worked at the Hawaiin Theatre in the COI before so I knew what I was in for. I told her I wasn't into paying for any extras so don't do anything beyond the standard. I guess her standard is different as she went straight for the crotch. She unzipped my pants and tried to get me off by hand over my underwear. Not unpleasant but I was a little nervous about club mgmt looking to see what was going on. She pulled my hands over her boobs and apologized if I felt scars as she had just had reduction done. I hadn't felt scars but now felt repelled and afraid of causing pain. She then moved my hand down to her pussy and told me to make her come. I'm ashamed to say that I went to work and she faked (I'm pretty sure) a pretty good orgasm. Despite all the hand action, I wasn't going to do the same. In the course of events, she then turned her ass towards me and OH BOY the bitch had swamp ass! GIRLS PLEASE if you read this, you must remember your HYGIENE! If you drop a deuce before your shift or during it you must whip out the Spinctereine (www.mintyass) and use it. Nothing will cause a dick to go limp like the smell of shit. Around then I was figuring that God was punishing me for even being in that booth with such a skank. I had to swallow the bile rising in my thoat and retrict my breathing to mouth only and pray for the session to end. She was asking if I was married and if I wasn't could I give her my phone number so she could call me to tell me where she would be working next so I could come see her. I told I was (not true) so she said no problem she'd give me hers. The dance ended, I gave her a $100 bucks and she asked if I had given her a big tip and I told her I paid the price of admission and not to get greedy. She told me to stick around so she could give me her number and we could go again and this time I was going tinish for sure. I waited for her to turn around and I high-tailed my ass out of there in two seconds flat.
  • AbbieNormal
    •
    19 years ago
    Gotta love a club where the post is about the lunch special. LeGranWoo on Archibalds in DC Went over to Archibald's today for the Monday burger special. They have a 1/2 price burger every Monday that comes to $2.50 for lunch...add a non-alcholic beer and you can get lunch for $6.50.
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    Somebody we all know from around here should take a tip from RickinSM and book tickets to LAX, Westminster, Calif. and the Green Girl Saloon: "These girls are super hot, some are absolutely smoking. You've got to check them out. And some of them date customers. I gotten a couple of them to go out with me."
  • lc693le500
    •
    19 years ago
    Not Cheetah's, but Cheaters, in Providence, RI (a club I once visited). However, I didn't see what GeorgeW saw: I sat through 3 dance sets down in the "bullpen" and then I saw something I'd never seen in a strip club before - something I never thought would ever happen. Up onto the stage was what appeared to be a slightly chubby dancer (typical dancers from Cheaters gone by). She had a problem standing on her 5" heels, but then turned around. SHE WAS ABOUT FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT!!! Damn, who wants to see a five-month pregnant woman strutting around in front of you with nothing but a g-string? I almost gagged, put down what was left of my beer, and booked.
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    Hot off the presses, it's loungelizzard on Cheetahs in Lansing, Michigan: "I felt my way over to the bar, sat down to wait for my eyes to adjust and ordered an O'Douls to pace myself for later partying in the Motor City. A dancer immediately sat next to me and asked if I'd buy her a drink. I agreed and she ordered a shot of Yager and a beer chaser. She was very obviosly drunk already. When my eyes adjusted it also was obvious that she rated in the top ten on the all time skankiest girls ever to work in a strip club. When the drinks were delivered she proceded to tell me at length about her sick mother. She then said "I've never tasted an O'Douls before. Can I try yours?" Before I could answer she grabbed the bottle and took a big swig. After a few seconds of staring at the bottle contemplating the number of diseases that could be transfered, I cut my losses and walked out. It'll be a long time before I'll be back."
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    Quasar has some strange news to report on (note the name) Clown's Den Gentlemen's Club in Cheyenne, Wyoming: "...there have been some changes. The club is under new ownership, and while this has produced some improvements, not all is well. First, the clowns are gone in the remodeling, and the name is changing to 'The Den.'"
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    Okay, at last here's one that is NOT NEGATIVE! Nor is it funny, just interesting. From the Red Garter in Indianapolis, horsefeathers2 reports: "I did see a GORGEOUS woman there. For two hours I waited for her to go on stage but my wait was in vain. She never danced, never circulated around the club and disappeared to the DJ booth or the back (dancers) room most of the time. "Finally, I caught her coming out of the back room and inquired about her lack of appearances on the dance stage and she claimed she was not really into dancing that night. This was odd, why would a dancer go to work if she didn't feel like dancing? "Anyway, I didn't make a big deal out of it. She was a stunning beauty (I learned she was from Nassau) and seemed like a wonderful person, so I didn't pester her for any more info. As I was leaving, one of the other dancers told me that the woman I was interested had just received some bad news and was feeling a bit down. So, I began to understand a little better. I only wish I was in town more often because I am sure I would enjoy the company of the perfect 10 that works at the Red Garter...even if the couch dances aren't that good."
  • lc693le500
    •
    19 years ago
    Okay, maybe I'm going a little overboard here, but this is great. If there were a Strip Club Negative Review Hall of Fame", I would nominate this post. It's from landr, about the No. 5 Orange Showroom Pub in Vancouver, BC: "Reading the other reviews, I made sure to visit No. 5 Orange Showroom on an off night to avoid the crowds. So I chose a Sunday from 9PM to midnight, when it was moderately crowded, but a seat at the stage was available. Unfortunately, I seem to have visited, not the No. 5 Orange Showroom described by others in these reviews, but the one in some kind of evil parallel universe. There were only three girls dancing with 20- to 25-minute breaks in between. Worse, the girls were among the least erotic dancers I’ve ever seen in a strip club. They simply walked back and forth on the stage, occasionally pausing to unceremoniously remove something. Upon removing her panties, one almost immediately used her blanket to clothe herself for the remainder of her act. Another covered her breasts with her arm for several minutes after removing her bra. The other was a 34AA. I guess it’s not necessary to announce Amateur Night in evil parallel universes. Worse, one dancer kept complaining during her act that she was tired and hot (hot in the temperature sense, not the sexy sense). Another stopped her show frequently to demand $5 tips for almost nothing and then later another $20 from the audience to do a shower show, but no one took her up on it. The DJ interrupted anyway that no shower shows would be happening this evening in this particular universe, no matter what. After all, that would’ve required some energy, and energy seemed to be in short supply in this universe. If what was happening on the stage had been worth seeing, which it wasn’t, the stage was too dark, with only UV lights on for some of the dances (apparently people in this universe see in the UV). There were several additional girls wandering around soliciting for private dances. But few were taking them up on them. Too bad most of the chairs lacked backs. It would’ve been easier to go into some kind of suspended animation, or at least to nap, during the uninspired performances and long breaks. The best thing I can think of to say about No. 5 Orange is that the rest room was nice. I guess people in this universe go to strip clubs for the bathroom décor. Also, since I didn’t spend much, I gave the cash I would otherwise have spent on tips to the homeless folks hanging around No. 5 Orange’s parking lot, who seemed more deserving."
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    According to kandi, Woody's in Cedar Rapids, Iowa has come up with a couple of unusual schemes to annoy their customers: "$10-$12 cover every time i have been here. door guy badgers you to tip cashier gal. told him to pay her hourly or take it out of the cover i just paid. very unproffesional con." [...] "chairs are so big and so many that it can be difficult to move around. many of the chairs have screws in them that stick up through the bottom......OUCH!!!!
  • lc693le500
    •
    19 years ago
    Doc Johnson's in Philadelphia? Chuck666 is our guide: "This place is scary as hell." Then... "There's something downstairs, maybe live gay stuff, I didn't go down there, and access to a dirty bathroom, or you can walk back to the live entertainment area." Then... "The one who greeted me was a kind of charity case, and hard to say no to. She only had one foot, and hopped around on the other. Both feet (ends of legs) were rapped in bandages, and I didn't want to know what was underneath them. As I walked into her cubicle, it's all done in private cubicles, I saw her skin was breaking out around her midsection all over." Finally.... "No offence intended to this poor woman who was reduced to doing this for a living in her condition, but I didn't want her sitting on my lap clothed, naked, anything. And I sure as hell didn't want to whip it out in that place, especially if she was going to touch it. Ever been in a situation where you'd pay good money to a stripper to keep her from f**g you? If not, go here. Damn." Kinda makes you wonder what made Chuck go THAT far.
  • lc693le500
    •
    19 years ago
    Let's go to Detroit, shall we? But not to Bevs Backstreet Lounge; noc_playa explains why: There were 4 girls there, 3 were hurtful to the eye.
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    A visit to Ybor Strip in Tampa led qbid to write: "Before the next 2 for 1, an older dancer came by and sat down and obviously trying to nail down someone to do the next 2 for 1 with her. Like a sucker, I bit. Lots of milage but yuk, she's old. Not going back even if I am in town again."
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    Wow, a second citation for CrazzzyEd, the Bard of OKC!
  • FunSeeker
    •
    19 years ago
    This is one the very best quotes from CrazzzyEd's review (Oct. 4, 2003) of Tattle Tails in Oklahoma City: "The bar has an international flavor with warm beer like in Europe, fat belly women like in Russia, droopy tit pygmy grandmas like in Borneo, as well as bearded aborigine type women you find in Australia’s Outback. There is also a rude bartender like in France and no speakee engliee customers. You don't need a passport to travel here just a day pass from your psychologist."
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    (That previous one should have read *Farmingdale*, NY) Now here's ArkansasJake reviewing Tan Fannies in Panama City, FL: "In light of the cover charge, and the rather lacking scenery, I decided not to bother, but they all shouted for me to come back and said I could get in free. I thought about that for a moment and realized even then I wasn't interested, so I left. The dancer followed me to the door, and then out onto the sidewalk, shouting at me (first just exhorting me to come back, moving on to obscenities.)"
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    You know, AN, I've actually made an effort to find good quotes from positive reviews, but they just don't make the grade. I can't help it - I'm drawn to the 1s, 2s. & 3s, cause I know there's gold in those reviews. Case in point. Cecilmack reports on the following run in with a dancer at Crystal Cafe in Farminton, NY: "I was talking to my friend, having a good time, and laughing. She looks at us and says, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?" We were just kind of stunned, like a deer in headlights. We couldn't believe she would speak to us like that, or get all mad at us for nothing. After that exchange, we decided to finish our beers and check out. In the mean time, she informed us we should be tipping her more."
  • AbbieNormal
    •
    19 years ago
    Odd that all the best lines are from negative reviews. I guess that's part of the nature of humor.
  • lc693le500
    •
    19 years ago
    bahruce didn't much care for Chez Joey in Baltimore.... "had the distinct displeasure of entering this venue a few weeks ago while on a bit of a bender. even extremely intoxicated, i can tell you theres nothing worse than being solicited by a stripper with an adams apple and stubble."
  • lc693le500
    •
    19 years ago
    I'm starting to like this thread. It's funny as hell. CrazzzyEd went to the Blue Fox in Oklahoma City and wrote the following: "This club is the perfect example of why we have no nudity laws in Oklahoma. The dancers ask for money to play the juke box but I dont know why since when they dance, their thighs rub together and it drowns out the music. The AC only works in winter so they cool the place by buying a six pack at 7-11 and letting the floor fan blow across the beer before they serve it at room tempeture."
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    An anonymous poster on Striptease in Las Vegas: "she asked if i wanted a lap dance i asked how much and what can happen. she told me 25 at the table no touching and 3 for a 100 in the lounge area no touching at all 15min for a 100 in the vip area touching her buut cheeks she would not touch me at all 20 for half hour and she would touch me through my jeans and if i got the 4oo she wiuld get me off shin to skin but i could only touch her through her clothes. that did it i left."
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    Nothing much has changed at Mitchell Brothers O'Farrell Theater in San Francisco since I was there nearly 10 years ago: srtripsearch reports: "You can go wrong with any dancer. High level of hustle but don't let it bother you as soon as you say no they just go to the next guy, don't be afraid of saying no and avoid any explanation they don't care they just want to make money and they no there always someone else will say yes because they are that good ." formerATLclubguy says: "The never ending parade of chicks asking for dances is annoying, although at least they feel you up while they ask."
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    Lousy clubs seem to inspire all the best quotes. A visit to Club Oz in South Gate, Calif. inspired gpower to write: "Now to the actual entertainment. I saw the same dancer take her top off and put it back on for six songs in a row. [...] After waiting through her whole set and part of the next, the waitress still hadn't bothered to come by and sell me a drink. She hadn't bothered to ask anyone else either so I didn't feel too bad."
  • lc693le500
    •
    19 years ago
    And here is canyudofoo's assessment of Woody's in Islamorada, Florida: "Looks like the owner dragged a twenty thru some trailer park and all the trash followed him to the club."
  • Clubber
    •
    19 years ago
    Most people visit Woody's for the band that plays there, I think on Thursday and Friday.
  • chandler
    •
    19 years ago
    Bumped so I could share the saga of stinky reporting on Wiggles in Merritt Island, Florida: (12/19/04) I went to Wiggles at 2pm on a Friday afternoon. There were no girls there at all. The bartender said that they were late. Hell, the club opened at noon ... they were seriously freakin tardy. (1/7/05) I ran by Wiggles the other day. I went in about 1pm and once again no dancers. They say they open at 12, but I'd wait until 2 based upon my experience. I waited until a big girl showed up, and then I headed for the door. Enough time wasted on that day. (2/21/05) Ok, if there are no dancers, how can it be a strip club? Went by on at 3, there were no dancers. I got a beer and talked to the bartender for a little while. She says they are "independent contractors" and they come in when they want to. Earlier, when Wiggles was called Babes, stinky had this to relate: (7/17/04) I was approached by an insurance saleslady who happened to dance. While she talked about insurance and her young twins at home, I noted that I was a bit underinsured and a lot uninterested. Like all the girls at Babes, there was something just a little wrong with her. The other problems noted with dancers: crack whore, past prime, serious whiff of ass, and extra tonnage. I got a dance from Miss "serious whiff of ass". Of course, I didn't know this until she sticks it in my face and that shit lingered. All in all, the night sucked.
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