What do you call a asshole with half a brain?
Gifted.
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What's the difference between government bonds and assholes?
Bonds Mature.
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What is the difference between a asshole and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a
fish.
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What did god say after creating assholes?
I can do better.
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Asshole husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
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Why do assholes want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or
not?" Shows. They had an asshole born with a penis and a brain.
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What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A asshole's undivided attention.
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What are two reasons why assholes don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
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How is an asshole like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many
inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
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Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
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Why are assholes like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
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What do you call an intelligent asshole in America?
A tourist.
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Why do assholes play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
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If assholes got pregnant....
abortion would be available in convenience
stores and drive through windows.
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Why do assholes name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
person who makes all their decisions.
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Did you hear about the asshole who won the gold medal at the
Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
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Why do assholes like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
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How do some assholes define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
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What is gross stupidity?
144 assholes in one room.
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Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to
put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
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How many assholes does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off
and shake the stove.
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What is an asshole's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
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How do assholes sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
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Only an asshole would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
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Why did god create assholes?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
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Why were assholes given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump other assholes' legs at cocktail parties.
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Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed,
"how sad - a dead bird." The other asshole looked up and said,
"where?"
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Why does the stupid asshole put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
That's some pretty cool pool! I like his use of a hot babe as a "prop."
That reminded me of the trick bowler, Andy Varipapa, that I saw on TV as a kid. (But he used bowling pins, not girls, as his props.) See a two-minute sample of his work:
[view link]
NFW--No Fucking Way. Was that a 5-rail shot or a 6-rail shot? Through the rack in the air and hit the ball on the fly? Crazy. The only way it could have been better would be to watch the balls slowly roll over her naked body. I wouldn't care if they ever wound up in the pockets. Of the pool table, that is.
Gator deserves one more.
A dwarf, a duck, a blonde, a priest, a rabbi, and a gator fan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
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