How to save the airlines
AbbieNormal
Maryland
I know we have a few people here who work for airlines. I also know that most airlines are in financial trouble. My uncle sent me this, I couldn't resist.
Here's How to save the airlines.........
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard- looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Bill Clinton
Here's How to save the airlines.........
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard- looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Bill Clinton
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17 comments
But it seems to me that Shadowcat, who works in the airlines industry, agreed with my point about short flights being a profit drain for some of the airlines that are in trouble. Perhaps that's because the small regionals don't have a big overhead cost structure and can therefore undercut their larger competitors.
There is also a serious problem regarding the airspace becoming too crowded in some areas, and eliminating short flights and relying on other forms of transportation for short distance travel would help solve this problem.
But the real benefit of driving instead of flying is that you can hit a lot of strip clubs along the way. Try doing that from 30,000 feet.
But let's be honest, it's the frequent flyer miles that are killing airlines. In theory it sounds reasonable - give away seats that otherwise would remain empty to encourage business travellers to take more flights than necessary. And it works, that's exactly what happens. Trouble is it has become too popular, to the point that nobody pays to fly anymore except for business travellers. But why businesses allow the marketing guys to keep airline rebates (which is what frequent flyer miles are) for personal use, when they'd prosecute their purchasing guys for theft if they pocketed rebates on other itmes purchased for the company, is beyond me. Frequent flyer miles on flights purchased by an employer are the employer's property, regardless of what some other employee like the CEO might say, and using them for personal use is theft, it's stealing from the owners of the business.
Chitown, I believe that auto dealerships do make the same prices available to everyone, you just have to ask for them. I've never had to show a copy of my income tax return to purchase a car.
Fer chrissakes ...
I did an "internship" on terrorism when I was a college junior. Got a stipend to travel Europe for the summer, was the upshot. But one thing I came back understanding, was the difference between preventative and reactive measures.
The USA is still inept at prevention. Changing all the rules about liquids at the airport just after a plot with liquid bombs is foiled, is, in itself, exactly the problem. Terrorists are looking at that, and going, "Ha, so AGAIN we had the bomb before they had the prevention. Just gotta get one on the plane." They've learned that their technology will be responded to after it blows up. What caused the terrorist plot's downfall was infiltration, not prevention. (By the British, I might point out, too.)
The best part about driving is on the return, since you get to leave when you are ready, not when it's time for the plane. That has particularly become an issue since American dropped St. Louis as a hub and air service into here has beome crappy. It used to be easy to fly into Midway on Southwest, but since that facility expanded, it's almost as screwed up as ORD.
By the way, in terms of all other businesses charging the same prices to their customers...what about retail auto dealerships?
Fly for 1.5 to 2 hours or so. Hop off, rent a car. Takes me about 15 minutes. Then arrive at the destination within another 15 to 30. Perhaps around 3 hours or so for me. Perhaps my experience isn't normal though. I think the last time I flew, the plane even arrived early at the destination. That doesn't happen too often. I don't fly very often though. It's been over a year since the last time I flew. That trip was a major hassle after I arrived in Detroit for a messed up stopover.
But to answer your question, I live an hour from the nearest airport (assuming no traffic jams which is rare), it takes another half hour to get from the remote parking lot to the terminal (if I'm lucky) and I'm supposed to be there 2 hours before takeoff. So if I have to fly anywhere (which thank God I don't anymore) I have to leave my house 4 hours before the scheduled takeoff to be safe. The shortest flight you're in the plane at least 1.5 hours. Then I have to stand in line to rent a car, take a bus to pick it up, and drive another hour or so to where I'm going. All of which sounds like at least 7 hours to me. I live very close to an interstate and can usually drive almost 500 miles in 7 hours, depending on where I'm going. Anything less than 500 miles is no contest. Plus I have a really neat car which is a lot more fun to drive than sitting in an airport or on an overcrowded plane. And I get good gas mileage so it's usually cheaper than flying.
2) Require airlines to have a single fare that everyone pays for the same flight, which is what every other business in the US has to do.
3) Eliminate frequent flyer miles, which are nothing but illegal kickbacks.
The airlines have caused their own problems with their dumb policies.
Then the next major problem would be if it was mainstream, how would you keep out the kiddies and mothers and wives who object? Many wives may not like it if their husband was actually having a good time and they were not. I think that is what happens when you have a bunch of women with pussy whipped husbands. Just my opinion. No one has to agree with it.
This concept reminds me of a recent Bob & Tom bit (yeah, I'm a "Friend of Hal") Anyhow, as a takeoff from Snakes on a Plane, it would be called Skanks on a Plane and would have strippers for stewardesses.