tuscl

Mongering out in the Mountain West

Thursday, September 7, 2023 5:44 PM
Recently took a couple trips out to the Mountain West region and hit most of the strip clubs out there. One to Salt Lake City to Boise and back. Then I got the itch and had a free week and went from Colorado, looped around the Rockies, up through Wyoming, across Montana, up through Alberta, down through Eastern Washington/Northern Idaho, down through southern Idaho, across Wyoming and back to Colorado. Cities hit; Salt Lake City, Twin Falls, Boise, Ogden, Park City, Provo and then Denver, Grand Junction, Durango, Pueblo, Colorado Springs, Boulder, Fort Collins, Cheyenne, Casper, Buffalo, Sheridan, Billings, Livingston, Bozeman, Helena, Calgary, Red Deer, Edmonton, Cranbook, Sand Point, Couer d'Alene, Spokane, Missoula, Butte, West Yellowstone, Pocatello, Green River, Rock Springs, Laramie and back to Denver. Over 6,000 miles driven. One hotel the entire time. Showering took place at YMCA's or just jumping in various lakes. Constant moving, if I wasn't sleeping, I was actively doing something or driving. Zero lounging around. I don't get many opportunities to be out here, in fact first time out this way, sort of the last unexplored frontier for me in the contiguous 48. So I needed to take full advantage of the time I had. Then of course strip clubs along the way. This area is Mormon territory so strip clubs are in a word; rough. The mountain west makes the bible belt seem like Amsterdam. One way touch was pretty much the standard if contact was even offered. Another thing, around here just is not ghetto at all, it a nice perk not to worry about all that bullshit. Let's put it this way, it's a long way from the Bronx. Anyway this is just a quick run through of my experiences just in case you find yourselves out here too and looking for clues on what to it and what to not. Food Recs- Best food I had was in downtown Butte, Montana. Pork chop John's. A guy in the window cooks you a double pork chop sandwich, with a big thing of fries. Came out to like to like 10 bucks. Awesome stuff especially for the price. Tourist spots to recommend- Shit there is so much. And I hit as many spots as you could, but I'm still getting greedy and kick myself for some stuff I missed just because you don't know when the next time you can get out here is. I fully intended to break off and hit the badlands and see mount rushmore/sturgis but just ran out of time. I passed though Glacier national park, but didn't get a chance to really get out and explore it like I wanted to but looks real awesome. Places I did that I would recommend. Twin Falls/Snake River Canyon. It's like Niagra Falls meets the Grand Canyon. Evel Knievel tried to jump it back in the 70's. Easy to hit as it's right off 84. Yellowstone, was pretty cool, you don't need to hear that from me though. And the Great Sand Dunes national park was interesting. And to be honest I mean the whole thing is tourist attraction, any interstate this plenty to see while driving no matter where you go out here. And the interstates I would recommend, it has dividers, so you can turn your brain off a little bit, you got those roads where it's two way and you got to worry about the guy coming your way going 90 hauling a tractor trailer drifting into your lane, you can't really look around as much. Another thing to mention, out here some of these roads are CRAZY. On some on these mountain roads sometimes no guard rail, no nothing, if you stray, you will go off a cliff and FUCKING DIE. That's it. Also the animals that you could run into here could end up being a major car accident. Hitting a mouse? Forget it. That'll total a car. I ran into Buffalo in Yellowstone, don't want to hit those either. Grizzlies are out there too. Big horn sheep I kept getting warned about as well. If anything it does make the drive a little more exciting then the daily Long Island Expressway commute. Some notes on some strip clubs I hit. Denver-I've been to Denver clubs before. I think the must hit although low mileage is Shotgun Willies, cool environment and the girls are really hot. It feels like a casino but instead of craps tables it's stripper tables. Other places I've been, some cuban lap dance factory places, like Saturday night live and Players. Platinum 84 has some nice laid back spot as is Scarlett's. But some of these places are on that $40 dance bullshit. ROI ain't worth it at that point. Dandy's is another laid back daytime spot, LD's not expensive. I heard some of PT's that were high mileage got cracked down on, and if that's the case this a real low mileage/high priced town overall. Colorado Springs- Snooty Foxx is a nice club but $40 to maybe a touch little while get stared down just no. And then at Fabulous TNT's some brand new first day on the job stripper, who I almost always normally take for dances if they are good looking enough and she was, promises me that she could touch me a little teeny bit for $25 a song. For the first time I decline the baby stripper. Management must be trying to sculpt good habit from the get go, I won't take part in the insanity however. CS is just not the place to go for this sort of hobby. Boulder-The one club by University of Colorado Boulder, Nitro Club, a lot of drunk college kids in the area. Club had decent talent, I expected a little better though, but I was watching these guy get this rip off $40 dances on these giant arm chairs, with their hands lock down at their sides. What a scam. Grand Junction- Only club is Fantasy. And only club for long time btw. The would be the peak of the whole trip for me, and I still had to overpay for what is essentially just good lap dances. All prices negotiable but they don't budge too too much. I met this girl V, blonde chick who looked like a young, believe it or not even hotter version imo of Goldie Hawn. She was one of a few girls here that would commute from shitty to work at apparently Utah clubs, and make their way here instead. One way $40 she said and VIP got her down to $200 from $250. "You can suck my tits!" Alright sold. Private room. I have to admit the lap dances were terrific, it was like we were having rough sex, and damn sure I was sucking her wonderful natural rack. Great body on her. No extras though. LDK that she even smelled in the air which I haven't heard a girl say yet. Anyway that was the best mileage I would be getting little did I know for the rest of my journey here on out. Boise- All dances I got in the city were guy staring you down like at Torch 2. Spearmint Rhino, I guy would pop out around the corner and stare at you while getting dances as if I'm attacking this girl or something. One way contact city. Satin Dolls, I mean everyone in their seriously from customers to dancers, looked like they were in middle school. I need to see some ID. LD's sucked at Torch 2 but it was at least a decent place to hang out so if I had to give a rec maybe there. Salt Lake City-Notoriously one of the worst strip club towns in America. Some places dances are not an option. You pick one, alcohol, nude or lap dances. They don't mix. In these places where dances aren't an option, and most of the girls don't play the floor I mean why even tip past the absolute bare minimum? There is nothing in it for you. The only two clubs worth a damn, and that's by Utah standards is Exoctic Kitty and American dream, if you had to go to two strip clubs it would be those two you could actually get some kind lap dance and I also thought these two also had the best lineups in the area other than Trail (the glitzy club in utah, no LD's). Everywhere else the when I showed up the guy at the front would give me the look like "Dude you actually want to come in here?" Billings- The only club is Planet Lockwood Casino. In Montana they call everything with a few slot machines a casino. I saw some brunette dancing. Solid 7,8ish type brunette GND white girl. Her name was Shea. Now being a Mets fan Shea being where the Mets used to play I saw it as a sign from God. It turns God was just telling me to go fuck myself. I got dances with Shea nothing wrong on her part but it was in a little room you could see into, one way contact, when I tried to touch a little, the bouncer let me know hands at side, and was basically staring me down through the corner of his high the rest of the lap dance. I didn't do VIP to see if it was better but if LD's are that rough I usually don't try to level up. Pretty decent lineup for the area though. But I don't if you can have any fun at all here. Bozeman- Right past that town actually, Teasers is the club. They had all these photos of all these pornstars so those touring acts must come through here. Despite music playing, very quiet strip club, you could hear everybody's conversation. Anyway I met this girl, Blaze there. She could be best described as if Peppermint Patty grew up to become a hot stripper. Freckles, brown hair, nice body, total girl next door old school. Natural, nice ass, tits, not big but nice. Yes please. Anyway, I forego the standard Ld's and get the 15 minute for I believe it was $100 or $120 mostly covered in the corner of what was now and empty club, just me left. Good two way, no nipple sucking unfortunately but she so sensual, big time LDK she knew how just to be sexy. Moaning, eye contact, all that good shit. I highly recommend this girl, good at her job. I went up to Alberta from here, Calgary and Edmonton still the mountain west? Not in the mountains but sort of next to a whole lot of them. Any way it has to be hands down the worst place for strip clubs in North America. It makes Salt Lake City seem like Detroit. I was talking to a girl at the Cathouse in Calgary. Real cute girl with a very proper Candian accent compared to my low class NY sounding ass it was big delta. Anyway she was explaining how in order to get any contact I would need to buy a VIP for like 350 CAD in order for it break the rules(!) and touch me, I wouldn't be able to touch her. That pretty much sums up what extras are in Alberta. Contact is just not a thing. That gay loonie game is most action your going to get. Some clubs actually even offer air lap dances, which I just can't wrap my head around why anyone would pay for that. One thing to note, the girls here apparently get paid by how good there stage show which is why I've always wondered why these girls put in sooo much effort on stage. It's a real stage centric area because there is absolutely nothing else. Also one club Shade in Edmonton, I was asking every what the price of lap dance was, nobody wanted to tell me. They said you got to go upstairs to ask management, they tell you and sell you on stuff. I didn't want to do that, so finally some nice costa rican girl coughs it up and tells me, like 75 CAD for a dance. Yeah na we doin that even in Canadian money. I know there was a lot of tough feelings when Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier left Edmonton but the truth is that the strip clubs were so bad that they had no choice. Spokane- Deja Vu SUCKED. You gotta be kidding me with some of the girls they trotted out there, I wasn't even totally sure some were girls. One chick, I mean I could she wasn't 75 but her face looked like it. Stop with the drugs for crying out loud, it makes you look like Skeletor. People were even tipping this girl which tells me how bad the eastern washington strip club scene is, as this is it. The other club is over the state line in Idaho. Spokane is such cool city, I wish it had a better strip club scene. I said it my review but that wrestling movie Vision Quest in the 80's was filmed in this town and that scene where Matthew Moudine's character was running across the bridge, that was me running out of this strip club. Couer d'Alene- Across the state line was State Line showgirls. The girls go back and forth between the bar and strip club, a lot of in and out, in and out and they get changed back and forth, I think it's an Idaho, I saw it a couple other places, it's kind of annoying. I saw a girl there who looked just like one of my favorite pornstars Violet Myers. (everyone else I felt was kind just ok there) Although she was not a busty but to be fair Violet is freakishly busty, that's not a fair comp. She said she gets it a lot. Chanel from El Paso, a city I know real well. Anyway unfortunately this was a one way touch place. Higher options I'm told are the same mileage, fuck that. What's even the point then? Standard Ld's $25 a song, I got a couple. I asked about OTC with her, because while I met Violet Myers in person as well and she turned me down for extracurricular activates, maybe the stunt double will say yes..."No ask me that at a nightclub. Stop asking girls that!" Jesus, am I that repulsive? Ok yes I am, true, fair enough. Missoula- Fox Club is the only club here. You know what lineup was there was a couple girls in there that could work anywhere in an otherwise just average lineup. Jynx tan slender girl great body I remember was one. The club itself inside is nice but hasn't been updated in a while, you could tell just stylistically it's was probably state of the art in the 1990's. Loud colors and all that and of course as is Montana, slot machines in the club. The Lap dance area is something I never seen it's like a swiss cheese built open room in the middle of the club that people can see into. $50 a song. I mean were out here all the way in Montana and they are charging Vegas prices for one way contact. Get the fuck out of here with this bullshit. Idaho Falls- That One Place is the strip club here. I saw a girl with a Harley Quinn look, which I think sort of ridiculous but whatever it's not a deal breaker. When I meet girls like this who are sort butter facey with a great body, I got to think hard sometimes. Why do I even need a nice looking face. It should be more overrated in my eyes, look at these jugs! But I can't get around it sometimes. They have a baseball style dugout bench where you get lap dances for $25 a song and a girl with a clipboard comes by to stare at you and make you feel like shit. No thanks. It's the little things that make you decide to pull the trigger or not. Ok fine most times it's the big things, those big melons. Pocatello- Club 91. Another club where it's bar on one half, strip club on another. And the girls are back and forth all night. One plain jane chick who was 25 had grandma energy, passively aggressively chewed me out for not tipping. Sat down to tell me that. Lady I just got here and I'm checking out tuscl on my phone. NOBODY else is here yet. I went I got dances from one chick with big boobs, she was kind of out of it when talked to her on stage though, but I was feeling that body type so let me try dances I said. I would find out those big boobs were fake and not as fun to CUP no touch directly was allowed. And the shitty set up here is chairs two feet behind the DJ's ass. One of the dumbest setups I've seen yet. Pre pay. And then this girl Basil her name was (stupid ass stripper name) starts asking me questions and talking, mentally drifting while they clocks ticking and her not dancing btw, (if it was a sort of hustle it was a next level hustle I don't believe she was capable of) I think she just had some severe case of ADHD. I had to keep focusing her to salvage the lap dance. Ultimately too much work and too annoying and too shitty a set up. I've pretty much hit every strip club in this state now and can safely say Idaho is fucking terrible for strip clubs. Rock Springs- Bare Back Saloon. More than any other place that I've been to in strip club land, this place really right out of the wild wild west. Like something out of the movie Road House. Packed to the gills with folks a lot of shuffling, no seats all that bullshit. Talent I guess for the area was good but overall just kind of average. LD's are crammed in a small dark room where everyone's shoulder to shoulder getting what looks like decent two way contact although nothing crazy as it's a community room. I met a girl Nova. Black/White mixed girl. Real big tits. She gave me the run down. Every time I ran into her, I would throw out another offer. Can I suck those big boobs of yours? "Yes if you get 3 or more otherwise na" I thought about it but when she got on stage and took of her top those big things while still nice were just droopier than I usually like. I passed. $40 a song was the standard. 3 for $100. A lot girls wouldn't budge, might be some hold the line shit going on with the girls. Either way cool vibe here, made a lot drunk friends. Cheyenne- Two clubs. Green Door Lounge. Old school saloon type. Wild west CBGB type feel to it. Great place to get a drink. Talent was more veteran girls and pretty awful. 40's and 50's age wise. Price for lap dances was negotiable but the girls I asked wanted $40 a song in an open area. In what world are they getting people to bite on that. I would recommend checking it out, grabbing a cheap beer real quick but not much else. I doubt it has changed very much at all in decades. And then there is the Den. Girls are much hotter, and really not bad for that area at all. I saw this chick Aurora, blonde, with gigantic, natural tits a type of girl that really never goes out of style does it. I said fuck it, why wait, hey let's get dances. And I did VIP. Now in this VIP, it's one way touch. Which was shitty but $150 for 30 minutes seemed not too crazy. So I went with it. I was able to LDK while rubbing my face in her boobs and at least she was grinding on me good but at the end of the day, hands at your sides sucks and I wanted to do so much more with this girl. I still enjoyed myself as it's hard to find girls like that with this kind of rack but at the end of the day I spent way too much money for one way. After that I would return into Denver hit a couple a cuban lap dance factories and catch a plane outta there. I had some good wheels, they gave me a '23 accord, the new gen which was cool fuck around with. I needed something comfortable as other than one night that's what slept in every night, and spent most of my days in. Would I recommend this area for strip clubs? No hell no. For tourist shit? Yes all day. Would I live out here? You know it's very desolate, more people, means more girls to try to have sex so there is that and out here they don't have a lot of that. Nice to visit probably wouldn't live though. Also I did this in summer, in the winter I know it gets crazy cold, fuck all that shit. At the end of day though, so much shit to see, mountains, lakes, rivers, wildlife, sunsets, a whole lotta great views and a whole lotta running around. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pH1XJi8XvUc *Roll Credits* *Dons white suit/sunglasses* *Hops in a car and drives off into the sunset* *Accidently drives off a cliff Thelma and Louise style and dies*

9 comments

  • RiskA
    9 months ago
    You need a Rick Steves-like TV travel show. Seriously, dude. Monetize your passion! I’ve touristed heavily in these parts, but not the strip club scene. Guess I was unwittingly wise. For tourism hidden gems, I like Custer State Park in SD, Colorado National Monument near Grand Junction, and The Mint bar in Sheridan WY. And you are on point about some of those mountain roads: the builders must have been too nervous to try to build guard rails, so it’s pay attention or die.
  • Rod8432
    9 months ago
    Fantastic report, both for Western tourism and the SCs. Re: "Hitting a mouse? Forget it. That'll total a car." - Wow, I didn't realize mice grew so big out West... 😉
  • Muddy
    9 months ago
    @RiskA you know what for now man I’m good with just sharing it with the TUSCL crew and getting nothing out of it, it’s all good with me. And a YouTube show I might I have a lot of strippers coming to slap the shit out me. Payback in full lol. @Rod Thanks man and yeah *MOOSE. I really got to proof read better I read it back and yeah a lot mistakes in there. Oh well at least y’all know I can’t be AI, way to stupid for that.
  • Jascoi
    9 months ago
    thanks muddy for the good report. too bad it's not the wild west anymore. Even my favorite place gets tame in many ways now because of the stupid decisions that managements making. I think the prudes are winning.
  • Jascoi
    9 months ago
    interesting the contrast between Western Canada to Eastern Canada in regards to service and opportunities.
  • Muddy
    9 months ago
    Also just one more thing, the great salt lake of course. Really wild stuff, just wouldn't recommend swimming in it.
  • ATACdawg
    9 months ago
    Sad to think that farmerart's old stomping grounds have gotten so lame...😪
  • crosscheck
    9 months ago
    Man that is a LOT of miles. I couldn't spend that much time in a car anymore. You're doing yeoman's work Muddy.
  • mjx01
    9 months ago
    ^^ I would agree that is where farmerart was based but my recollection is that his clubbing was more GTA and Toronto sweetie. [RIP farmerart, a legend who is missed]
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