What makes a good strip-club review

IMHO, the purpose of strip club reviews is to provide accurate, timely information that the reader can use to decide if he wants to visit the club and what to expect. Different readers have different criteria, and they fall roughly into two groups; regulars and first timers. Regulars can benefit from timely updates about the club, a favorite dancer has returned, prices and/or policies have changed, there's a halloween party, etc. I'll approve a review that gives only a little information if said information is actionable and timely, in other words, if it's useful. First timers need more general information upon which they can make a decision about going. A first timer may want to know: 1) Is there mandatory valet parking? Personally I'll never let anyone other than my mechanic drive my vehicle. I don't mind paying to park, but there is no legitimate reason for "mandatory" valet parking. I've heard of clubs demanding your car keys even if you park off their property. The only reason for this is so they can hold your keys hostage. They can do that if a dancer insists you owe her money. There's nothing you can do about it. 2) Is there smoking allowed? Some mongers are addicted to tobacco and must smoke, others don't like smelling like an ash tray. 3) Is there food available? Reading "Bogarts has excellent, reasonably priced food" lets a monger know he can skip dinner and go straight to the club. 4) Is there a cover charge, and how much? This is something I'd like to know. "Bogarts has $5 cover charged, waived for veterans" isn't too important, but a $40 cover charge is. 5) Do they scan your ID? I'll never let some goon at the door scan my ID, even if I've already paid for parking. 6) What are drink prices? We don't need a complete menu, but "bottled water is $10" or "bottled water is $2" makes a difference. 7) Is the club and neighborhood safe? No one wants to be rolled. 8) What is the racial make-up? You may not want to be the only white guy in a club. 9) What kind of entertainment is available? At some clubs all you can do is look from a distance. At others blow jobs and hand jobs are available at the bar or your table (for those of us who aren't shy). Most clubs fall in between these extremes. (I've actually fucked bare back at the bar when it was crowded, but I didn't include it in my review). Are table-side dances available? How much do they cost? What kind of action can you get table/bar side? You want to be careful when describing the action. Don't mention a girls name in conjunction with any kind of activity. Her mom and/or boyfriend may be monitoring the forum. Don't say "every dancer there will suck you off in the VIP", because the local police or concerned citizens may read about it. Saying "we discussed billy joel, and I left satisfied" is all we need to see. Saying "I had fun in the VIP" says nothing. What you call fun might not be fun for others. What's the break down of private activities? 10) Are private dances pre-pay to the bar? The dancer can promise to fuck your brains out, lick your asshole and let you pee in her mouth in the VIP, which you have to pre-pay, but if all she does is sit fully dressed and tell you about her problems, what can you do? Take your lumps, that's what you can do. And saying a certain dancer didn't provide good service after you pre-paid doesn't help much because that's what happens when you pre-pay. 11) Is there a bathroom troll and what is the condition of the bathroom? I don't care, but some guys do. 12) Do the charge for a seat? Some clubs like to nickel and dime you to death, pay to park, pay cover, pay to sit at a table, pay to go to the VIP each trip, perhaps each song. I like to know if it's a club that charges for everything like some clubs do. I avoid those clubs; others may not mind. 13) Overall quality and quantity of the dancers is important, of course. Telling us that you got out of a meeting and had time to kill isn't useful information. Telling us what kind of girls you like, what game you were watching on TV isn't useful. Saying the bar is on the right, the bathrooms are in the back won't help anyone decide if he should visit the club. Who cares? Those may be details, but they aren't details that matter. Just think about who you're review is for, an old regular and/or a first-timer, and only include information that is useful to one of both groups of readers. And of course, having good spelling and grammar makes a review easier to read. Use complete sentences. USE PARAGRAPHS! I'm a dumb hillbilly, I can't write very well unless I PROOF-READ! It isn't hard, and it's courteous to readers.